`cynic's child`

Thursday, June 30, 2005

im on e verge of collapse. im falling off the edge anytime.

im sori to all those who cared for me. i did what u all told me to do. i tried to fight it, i tried praying, i tried shouting. but its no use. it keeps coming.

i couldnt sleep again. i was totally overwhelmed by sorrow and anguish, and i sat up and hugged my knees to myself, letting e tears fall freely. it hurt so bad... so so bad. i dunno how long i cried but i knew dat it wasnt enuff to empty my heart of the frustration. i had to stop tho, before i let grief consume my whole core. mebbe it sensed my vulnerability and found a backdoor to attack me.

i kept telling myself im not scared of them. for a moment, i felt empowered and strong. i was brave. but onli for dat moment. because the next moment, i felt e paralysis starting. its seizing me bit by bit, i become arrested by fear again. den i'll hypnotise myself time and time again, that im not scared of it. but it sees thru my facade of bravery; it breaks thru e defence i built and crept into my heart and mind again. i even heard e female voice saying 'hello' to me. it was not spoken into my ear, but i heard it in my mind. it was juz one word, spoken neutrally wif no hint of viciousness. juz liek any other sound i would have dreamt of. but i wasn't dreaming. i was conscious. and it spoke to me. mebbe im paranoid, but e more harmless it sounds, e higher e potential to turn into something malicious. u get what im saying? its like, it'll fool me into a trap and then crush me into pieces later on.

have u ever experienced coming close to insanity? yesterday night i was brimming to e pt of going mad. i juz wanted to scream, to flail and throw things away. i needed to release everything pent up inside my heart. its so overpowering that every 10 mins or so, i feel a queer sensation in my heart. in chinese, they call it "xin han". like as if ur heart is freezed up or something. u feel odd and painful at the same time.

i feel like giving up and succumbing to wateva is repressing me. im certain its my hallucination. i feel damned weak. my head feels like its being crushed from e sides. its a constant pressure, and the entire skull feels heavy. like u're gonna fall any minute, faint and juz knock out. i couldnt take it anymore; i broke down in sch. i juz wanna cry it all out but im aware of ppl looking on. ppl getting curious. aware dat ppl are getting worried. im being tugged at both sides; on one hand i juz wanna break down and let my defences fall but on the other, im tied up by other considerations. why izzit dat things hafta work this way? why cant i juz free myself from every other thing and let loose?

mama tinks im juz crazy. she tinks its juz stress. she doesnt understand. now im afraid to ask her to help me.. it seems like der's no one else to go to for help. much as i want to, i dun wanna become a burden to anybody. i dun wanna let my problems disturb them in anyway. i gotta depend on myself... myself alone.

i have to do it... right?

butterflies whispered at
6/30/2005 10:38:00 PM

finally, i dun hafta force myself to smile. finally, i felt truly happy. the first time in so many frightful days.

because i was ranked 3rd in mr tan's econs group. 4 classes in all. but dat was for e second common test la... e case study in which i unexpectedly scored well for. nonetheless, i was reali happy coz before that, i wasn't even in e top 25 for e first test. in fact, i was near borderline passing. im glad dat i've improved so much and econs seemed to be my best subject so far. yay yay! my target is gonna be fulfilled soon. but mid-yr results not out yet... im keeping my fingers crossed dat i won deprove. and another good thing is, 04A5 has made a great leap from e 3rd class to e 1st class in terms of passes. whoohoo!!! mr tan was positively beaming and heartened to see us improving, and im reali proud of my fellow classmates as well. our passing rate increased so drastically lor... and i hope dat our quality passes will improve by leaps and bounds as well. kudos to 04A5!

i've fallen in love with Weijian of Project Superstar. he's so superly cute. i dunno why but i juz tend to develop huge crushes on ppl wif this kinda looks. no go for those hunky guys wif bulging muscles n towering height. i fancy lanky ppl wif CUTE CUTE CUTE faces, and i tink Weijian is e epitome. and its a delicious bonus dat he sings so well too! i started to notice him during the episode wer all 24 contestants were briefly introduced and shared a lil bout their lives. even one of e judge said he was real cute and he shld follow dat route to megastardom. so now, im rooting for 2 ppl on e show.. first is Weilian and second is Weijian. one for the voice and one for e looks. purrrrr-fect.

attended a Stress Management Talk during civics. pretty enlightening and engaging. we took a mini-personality test and my behavorial style is Steadiness followed by Influence. so true eh...
im said to be friendly, outgoing, emotional, enthusiastic, sociable, sincere, dependable, loyal, supportive and considerate. sounds juz like me eh? and it suggested dat for me to cope wif stress, i gotta:

1. talk to others
2. confront the issue at hand
3. verbal encouragement from friends
4. sleep

e 4th option seems like e best option, but for now it wont be coz e interval time from being awake and falling asleep is juz e right time for my mind to start and hallucinate. well, i've tried toking it out to firdaus and i've received lotsa support from my friends. gotta thank elaine, chaoshun, jesline for keeping me going. i noe u guys will be der, but for e moment, i won tok bout it. mebbe not for a long time to come. i guess e onli thing i haben done is to confront e issue at hand. i cant tho... even tho i wished i could. coz i dread e consequences...

i observed e situation at home. LOOKS pretty normal but judging from e interaction, it juz doesnt feel all that comfortable at all. in fact, i feel the undercurrents most... and den e fear crept right back into my heart. =( i dunno how else to put it into words... its just... so bleak and intimidating. im 18 years old, going into adulthood... den this kinda thing happens. yea, im supposed to have betta coping mechanism now, and i guess i am than i would have if it happened 4 years ago or something. but still... nobody wans it to ever happen to their own family.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how i wished i'll go bonkers at this very instant then i won hafta tink so much, wonder so much, fear so much...

butterflies whispered at
6/30/2005 12:20:00 AM

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

its getting from bad to worse. everything dat i tried to do cant keep it at bay. its haunting me... i tink im going insane. its juz a matter of time from now.. I REALLY TRIED BUT ITS NO USE. ITS NOT LIKE I WANNA BE THIS WAY.. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME AS WELL. stop telling me dat its onli a psychological barrier that i can overcome. im certain its not; its more than dat. it's almost like a disease dats inflicting damage both physically and mentally.

they say "all good things come to an end". how come it doesnt apply to bad things as well?

last night, i gave myself a good talking to bout how to deal wif the problem, after firdaus's advice and all. i tot im becoming betta. but IT had to come. i fell asleep, but i was woken up by a force dat hit my head. almost like someone delivered a blow to my head, and even my ear felt deaf for a moment. i stayed in my sleeping position to sense for anything, not daring to open my eyes, until i broke out in cold sweat again. i heard e sound of tv in e living room, so i dashed out to tell my mama bout it. all e while, my heart thumped like mad like what previously happened. so she made me pray, and smoked me with a special incense supposed to keep e evils away. i moved from e mattress from e bed, to sleep wif my sis and bro. i couldnt sleep coz i was too sensitive to the noises out there. even e screech of e cars passing by sent chilling shivers down my spine and i would open my eyes from time to time to keep checking for anything amiss. even in e blankness of eyes shut, i seem to see e darkness dilating as i start to feel woozy and faint. its exactly what happened dat time as well... like ur energy and consciousness seeping outta ur body, like u're gonna die coz u feel ur heart being relentlessly pressed down and its beating so hard u fear that it might juz break thru e walls of ur chest.

then my sis spoke up and told me that e bed seemed to be quaking. den she realised it was me trembling, tho i didnt know it myself. upon hearing that, i started to feel e tears coming but i din wanna cry in front of her coz it would probably scare her to know what was happening to me. it is scaring me too. e holy pendant doesnt seem to have any effect on my nerves. i feel jumpy and paranoid. at e corner of my eyes, i thought i saw a figure but it turned out to be juz an object. everytime i tot i saw something move, e thing was actuali stationary.

im reali trying to mask my fear, partly coz i know these are not real and ppl would tink me a lunatic if i told em. partly coz i dun trust anyone enuff to tell em what im going thru. dey dun understand, i dun tink anyone will unless dey have gone thru it b4. its an ordeal, its miserable to try and endure it. im still trying to be my cheerful self in school, still trying to smile at everything that comes my way, still trying to be brave. cant u see im trying???

much as i wanna have e luxury of crying and have a total breakdown, it is not a time to. not when e family matter is bearing down on us. not when im going to have my exams in a few month's time. not when i have to be there for my sis, my bro, my mama, should anything go wrong. not when i still have a thousand responsiblities. not when ppl are still out there behind my back, saying stuff and spreading rumours. not when there's so much to tink of. not when im expected to put up a brave front and be strong.

but at e end of e day, at e end of every activity, when night creeps in... it starts to come at me again.. again and again.. it won leave me alone..

butterflies whispered at
6/28/2005 10:39:00 PM

Monday, June 27, 2005

im so torn up inside. my heart aches so much.. =( i duno wat to do. i fear the consequences. i feel like doing something drastic to change e situation, but i know its immature and may jolly well negate it instead. i feel damn helpless... i see it yet i can do nutting. or rather, i fear that my actions may make it spiral into something tragedic... i tink of it all e time, whenever my mind is not occupied with something. im starting to feel weary and tired. i wanna break down and scream. i wanna have a good cry, a nice downpour of tears and let it all out. at night, it gets especially hard to bear because dats wen u're most susceptible to emotional outbursts. e tears juz roll silently, unreflected, cold.

but no one muz see it. no one muz know what is going on. offer me a shoulder to cry on, a tight hug... but i won need a ear coz i won tell.

i finally told someone. i told firdaus. he's e onli one who can understand now, so dun start tinking dat im having weird ideas in my head. i won stoop so low to go n break up other ppl's relationship, unlike what ppl love to say bout me. its juz dat he has gone thru e same thing, and i got someone whom i can relate to. i feel much betta. nevertheless, the heart-wrenching feeling doesnt cease...

and i have figured out that im over firdaus. its juz psychologically natural to feel something for a past flame, no matter how long ago e relationship has been ended. but i dun deny wondering if we'll get together again. after all, he's e best i've ever had. but dat i won dare to hope for. and anyway, it'll hafta start all over again. there's nutting left to continue from, to speak of. and mind u, i won do anything to try n get him back. its juz toopid. i got my life to lead as well. its juz dat if our paths crossed again, so be it. i'll leave it to e hands of Fate.

im back to sch again. haben adapted to working mode yet... im feeling lethargic and outta energy. i dun feel like doing anything, in actual fact. juz wanna sit in one corner and stone. ironically, sch work is e onli thing i have now to take my mind off undesirable thoughts. stayed back wif gwen in sch during chinese lesson to finish off our work, tho like most of e others have oredi dismissed themselves since our teachers din come. anyway, had a bad case of tummyache thru-out e whole of today. went to e loo and lao-sai for 3 times lor. den now feeling a lil painful as well. and i felt dat i was a lil less bubbly, less cheerful today. simply coz i din feel happy enuff to do it. im glad to see my frenz again la.. but my spirits juz wont lift. sorry if i ever seemed cold or unacknowledging at times.

izzit wrong to stretch oneself beyond e limit? izzit wrong to try too hard? sometimes, trying to be stronger breaks you, because you have exceeded ur capacity. instead of becoming more enduring and tolerating, you snap and the tables turn against you. u become weaker than you used to be, because now you have no resistance AT ALL.

had a heart to heart talk wif my sis on saturday night till bout 4am. lotsa tears and mucus flowed but we sorted some things out. hope i've enlightened her on some stuff, and made her stop tinking so narrowly bout some issues. i got to know my own flaws as well, and i've resoluted to try and change them. shall stop hollering at my younger siblings when im annoyed, or being selfish with my property. time to be a good daughter as well as a good sister from now on. if e circumstances take a turn for e worse, at least i've fulfilled my duty and my roles. den der wont be as much room for regrets, if dat's any consolation...

hallucination is bad. it plays with your state of mind, and makes u imagine things for no apparent reason. its scary because you know that these are not happening, but its so real and tangible that ur consciousness starts to slant towards e mirages instead. i find myself searching for these "things" to check if they are reali der. its driving me to e brim of my sanity... and my food intake has been reduced drastically. i no longer find a urge to eat, to pick up e utensils and scoop up e food into my mouth, much less to chew slowly and savour it. my meals today seemed terribly bland... instead, i have e tendency to binge on snacks. i've eaten 4 packets of Mamee today, and i swallowed even e seasoning. VERY UNHEALTHY indeed... but i dun have e sensibility to regulate myself. i juz wanna let myself limp... do wateva i feel like doing and not do anything i dun feel like doing. lemme have e luxury of "relaxation" when i can... coz i won get to enjoy it as often in e future.

e temptation of the penknife is overwhelming. yet i've become fearful of e blade. i tink back of e times when i juz slashed myself repeated in a mad frenzy, and all that blood trickling out within seconds. e metallic smell of it filled my nostrils, and perversely, it seemed therapeutic at dat moment. like i've released blood tainted with anguish, angst, pain and sorrow. for e moment, i feel liberated. until i panicked when e blood couldnt be stopped... the tissue paper is soaked to the point of saturation. i even used my lips to suck e blood, and the taste of blood seeping back into my system. den i'll wash e lacerations under e tap, feeling e cold water scorching e raw flesh. den i'll don a long-sleeved shirt and carry on my activities, pretending that nutting has ever happened. but no matter what, e scars are there to remind you. most of it have healed by now, except e deeper ones. my forearm used to be a maze of criss-crossing lines, but now it has all faded back to skin colour and thus concealability, unless u take a reali close look.

am i to risk those again? i hope not.

butterflies whispered at
6/27/2005 11:28:00 PM

She sits in her corner
Singing herself to sleep
Wrapped in all of the promises
That no one seems to keep
She no longer cries to herself
No tears left to wash away
Just diaries of empty pages
Feelings gone a stray
But she will sing

'Till everything burns
While everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate
And all of this pain
I'll burn it all down
As my anger reigns
'Till everything burns

Walking through life unnoticed
Knowing that no one cares
Too consumed in their masquerade
No one sees her there
And still she sings

Till everything burns
When everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate
And all of this pain
I'll burn it all down
As my anger reigns
Till everything burn...

- Anastacia feat. Ben Moody "Everything Burns"

butterflies whispered at
6/27/2005 10:10:00 PM

Saturday, June 25, 2005

shishi called me on my handphone juz now coz she had a quarrel wif firdaus and he is refusing to pick up her calls or reply her msgs. so she came to me for help... but what i could onli do was to calm her down, and give her advice on what to do... nutting much. but its surprising that she came to me first instead of anybody else.

so wanting to be a mediator... i called firdaus up and tried to tell him bout it. i detected e sense of helplessness and pain in his voice and he hung up on me before i even finished toking. called him back and asked him to juz cool down... his desolation was so raw and blatant. and wats more surprising is dat, i actuali felt a pang of heartache upon hearing it.

i have no idea whether it was juz feeling for a fren, sympathy for his state of anguish, or simply e lingering remanants of my love for him. i insist dat im over him; im juz not aware dat some things juz cant be gotten rid of no matter how hard i try.

but tinking back.. i cant seem to stop toking bout him entirely, esp. wen ppl around me tok bout relationships and e immediate link in my mind would be him. juz ask evelyn. she observed how i kept recounting e past to her bout events dat happened when we at that time happen to be either in e same place or same circumstance of what i experienced before with firdaus. but i cant help it if me and him reali shared dat much to be rediscovered and trounced on again in e future.

one thing is for sure.... i cant still be in love with him....................................................................... can i?

butterflies whispered at
6/25/2005 01:07:00 AM

Friday, June 24, 2005

exams are finally over. had my last paper and im free from e clutches of mid years... for e time being. ah... last min studying helped a lil i guess. some of e things i read came out, but most of e time, i was crapping and making things outta nutting. bout 90% of e stuff i wrote probably weren't what he thought... i juz added in my own coz i simply dunno how else to fill up a decent one and a half pages for each question.

yeap. went to town wif andrew, yingpeng, elaine and chaoshun. went to meridien hotel's shopping plaza downstairs to have elaine's jeans customised. she brought like 7 pairs and e total cost is like onli 71 bucks. $10 for each on average which is a pretty good deal coz it'll be done according to her way of wanting it.. and some include converting jeans to skirt and stuff liddat. quite cool eh... shall do der someday and do e same wif my unusable jeans. den went to.... OG again!!!!!! haha. i bought a bikini top from bodynits. thats going for onli half price, at a cool $13.45. wanted to buy it for my fren... but decided against it coz she probably won wear it. shall get her something else when i see something betta. i tried it myself and it was tooooo small!!! hahaha. i tink im going back to change it for a medium-sized bottom... coz e cutting of the bikini doesnt go wif my body. haha. looks funny wen i wear it. den went cineleisure and shared yoshinoya wif elaine b4 heading home. i tell u ah... my heels were practically killing me lor. in order to fit into their looks (all of them are at least 170cm lor...), i wore 3 inch heels. wahhhhhhh... all dat walking is taking my life. its quite a funny picture lor... 3 giants, 1 tall girl, and 1 short misfit. hahahaha. and i nv felt more grateful when i finally reached home and rested my feet on level ground. i almost flew.

speaking of bikinis, tml im going to suntan at sentosa wif gwen! weeeeeeeeeee. i was intending to wear e pink one dat xiaowen gave me... but its a halterneck and e tanline will show. so i was trying all means and ways to find out how to wear it without looping it around my neck... den i was struck by an ingenius idea!!!!!!! i turned it into a tube-halter instead by juz changing e way it could be worn, and dats juz wat exactly i wanted to buy initially. im so happy!!!!!! no more tanlines whoohooo!!! i actuali took down e pic of its 'transformation'... got 'before' and 'after' summo. cant wait to get my new tan!!

and how could i forget to comment on Project Superstar? 4 contestants were cruelly kicked out.. but thankfully weilian still remained. from e start of e auditions till now, he's been e onli one i've supported wholeheartedly not coz i pity him for being blind, but coz he's e onli one who sings from the heart. i dunno how, but whenever he sings, his voice and emotions touches me. what's more, his bravery to stand up amongst his competitors despite his disability is reali admirable. he may not have e looks, e talent... but he definitely has e passion and perseverance to go on. his performance on wednesday may be a lil lacklustre, but i believe he'll reach greater heights in the later round. JIAYOU, WEILIAN!!!!!!!

the night before:

i dunno wat got into me. after blogging, its bout 1.50am. packed my stuff and went to sleep.. but i tossed and turned without any inclination of falling asleep. my senses suddenly became very heightened, to e state of hypersensitivity. onli my bro was in e room wif me. i lay on e mattress, an unknown force paralysing my body. i became acutely aware of e sounds around me; e churning of the air-con.. e creak of e window grille.. e bus passing by 14 storeys below. with each and every sound, my body froze and broke out in cold sweat. i have no idea why im so afraid. i opened my eyes and surveyed e surroundings for anything, but there was none. but whenver i closed my eyes, my ears took on even more alertness. i tot i vaguely heard e shrill sound of a whistle somewhere, and i juz stopped breathing altogether. i felt my heart thumping erratically and my brain was juz overwhelmed by fear. i chanted prayers and hoped dat e sound won come closer to me. it went away but e other sounds kept making me jump. i tried to tink positive tots, i tried to escape into dreamland. i forced myself to dream. but e noise would then wake me up again in the cold, dark room. i was so so afraid. it was a horrible feeling. i juz felt like screaming in fear to keep these away. there wasn't even e consideration to cry.. i juz felt reali empty in e head, my breathing was becoming heavy, i felt e central area of my face becoming numb. i felt like something was zapping my life, my consciousness away, like im going to faint or slip into a coma or juz die. i fought to keep awake and i jerked up in an abrupt motion that almost caused a cardiac arrest. i felt reali scared and reali helpless, but i knew nutting was wrong. it had to be my hallucination. i became so scared dat i resorted to creeping up e bed and sleeping next to my younger brother for security. i even put my fingers on his arm to feel his presence... i dunno what was happening to me and it was frightening. e time was oredi 3am and i realised dat i had been consumed by fear all this while for no reason at all. still, i couldnt sleep... e sounds seem to become an existent presence in my head. until i used my bolster to cover my ears so that i wont hear e sounds anymore, that i finally found sleep.

writing bout it makes me recall. and recalling it brings back all e physical contortions i've experienced last night. i feel my heart being repressed now.. im feeling scared....... i dunno what to do....... what the hell is wrong wif me????????

butterflies whispered at
6/24/2005 11:40:00 PM

i juz love to hear these lovely innocent and pure tunes when everything else in my life seems to be so bleak. its by Sixpence none the richer. Eve and me juz adore e song to bits.

im heartened. by e peeps who came n offered me encouragement, or at e very least, a listening ear. it may not seem alot, but enuff to give me a considerable sense of comfort and bring some light back into the darkness. xiaowen. keng ee. chaoshun. azrul. ahh... ziheng too.

speaking of which, i was browsing thru my "Sent Items" in my hp juz now. i've got a habit of deleting msgs straight after i read them coz unliek my Sony Ecrisson, Nokia doesnt offer the "Delete All" option when e inbox is spilling over, so to save e future cost of time and effort of deleting msgs one by one, i've decided to juz get rid of it once i've read it. but sometimes, it'll slip my mind and some msgs gets retained in e inbox. so i was looking thru... den i saw e msgs sent to ziheng, and it sounded suspisciously fishy coz msgs in between were deleted. suppose someone were to look at these msgs, he'll prolly tink dat im having something on wif him. so lemme clear e air(based by wat i rmb la... coz most of it have been deleted):

ziheng: hey whats on ya mind recently?
applie: exams and personal problems...
ziheng: ya ok? -something like, what kinda problems-
applie: im alright
ziheng: tell mi bout ur problems
applie: thanx but nvm la.

blah blah blah (i forgot)

applie: hai, i dun intend to tell anyone bout it... dun wan word to spread around
ziheng: -something- i won tell anyone, i assure ya.
applie: as in, dats juz part of it. i dun intend to tell anybody bout it. Im not confident of teling it to anyone. And y u wanna trouble urself with dis anyway...
ziheng: its no trouble. i reali do care alright. -something-
applie: thanx but im not about to share. take it as my bad k?

-end of conversation-

dats e real thing. and now compare it to what is currently left...

applie: hai, i dun intend to tell anybody bout it.. dun wan word to spread around.
applie: as in, dats juz one part of it. im not confident of telling it to anyone. and y u wanna trouble urself wif dis anyway...
applie: thanx but im not bout to share. take it as my bad k?

like i secretly wif ziheng den dun wan ppl to noe liddat right? ahh.. in any case, we're not. and probably never will.

anyway, 2 papers down. 1 more to go in another 6 hours. lit paper 1. i totally have no idea how to study for it leh... so i juz went online and searched for some theme analysis and such. but dun tink it'll help much heh. im planning to wake up at 6am tml den go sch by 7 for last min study, but its almost 2 and im not in bed. coz im PARTY MOOD! chinese paper over liao and its a huge load off my chest! phew. so now i very relac...

well, econs went alright but not spectacularly good. at least i noe enuff to put ink on paper instead of spending most of my time dallying and staring blankly at e question, which is what usually happens 1 yr ago when im still an econs failure. but im planning to ace it for my A levels!!!!!!! er hum, but chinese wasn't as good la, coz i din prepare sufficiently. i mean, THERE CAN NV BE ENUFF TIME OR BRAIN CAPACITY TO PREPARE FOR CHINESE coz der's simply tooooooooo much to memorise. but i tink i managed to crap my way thru. shouldnt be a problem passing la.. geee.

tml going out wif andrew, yingpeng, elaine and chaoshun to town! yay yay... den saturday going tanning wif gwen!! after dat sch reopen liao... i haben finish my homework leh. how ah?

i DIY-cut my fringe. but e rest of my hair needs trimming.. its getting too thick. but im phobic of haircuts liao. hate e way it turns out everytime. mebbe i'll juz content for now.

whats wif e internal strife in blogsphere bout SPG and xiaxue? basically, there's nutting between them directly but ppl are making up stories and criticising xiaxue for being jealous bout hogging the limelight with e boobs on SPG's entry. yea, she posted a naked pic for herself on her blog. den ppl had to go and kick up a big fuss over it. c'mon la, there's so much porn on the Net and u wanna pick on this tiny pic that shows her body in black and white? summo, its an artistically-taken picture lor. SEE WHAT I MEAN BY SUPERFICIALITY? den xiaxue being her usual sarcastic-humorous persona, wrote bout how SPG's boobs looked weird and commenting bout e fuss in e media over that. den it juz spiralled wen e ppl started to put words into her mouth and all. so misconstrued that WanBao even posted a picture of xiaxue and identified her as SPG in a horrific mistake of direct translation from TNP.

one word: RIDICULOUS. and i completely feel for it coz the issue bout me and ziheng has been scandalised in the same pathetic and horrible way. hey ppl, get ur facts right la. u're causing unnecessary stress and tarnish on ppl (xiaxue is facing a breakdown amidst hate mail from ppl defending SPG) as well as e inevitable criticism on their social life and habits (SPG's family upbringing got dragged into the picture). and all this won escalate to such a ugly state if u guys bothered to keep ur gossip-hungry mouths shut or even tried to clarify e truth instead of juz "duan zhang qu yi" from hearsay. bleah. enuff of this sick shee-it.

i almost gave myself away while trying to spy on it. im certain im close to having a heart attack last nite. xian is not home and i got no one to tok to bout this. e problem is staring me in e face right now and i can do nutting but keep my eyes shut and pretend its not der, while trying to figure how to make it go away. quite futile as i can see it. and e fear is growing like a malignant tumour as days go by. if i dun solve it, or if there is no cure, i'll be devoured by it someday.

i dun wan it to happen. im scared. =(

butterflies whispered at
6/24/2005 01:47:00 AM

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

tell mi what can i possibly do now? i seriously wanna find an outlet to let it out, but i jolly well noe e bearing of this matter if dis gets out. no.. not even my frenz muz know. i dun even tink my sis can be trusted now... its not dat im biased or what, but she judges too extremely and leaves no room for other considerations. it makes it harder that its a very touchy subject and broaching it alone is painful enuff. what makes things worse is dat she's real stubborn and i dun have e luxury of energy to go explaining the philosohies behind it. she likes to tink dat everyone is entitled to their own opinions and i shouldnt exert mine on her. im not saying she cant have her own views; its juz dat i wan her to see a broader and more mature perspective of things. but going into it will juz evolve into a quarrel over differing viewpoints, which isnt e central focus. and recently, im feeling reali frustrated that i tend to snap at her too quickly when she gets on e wrong side of my nerves. juz bout 15 mins, she said something insulting and im still reeling from it. i noe its not true but it hurts all e same and it makes me wonder why she comes up wif it anyway. mebbe she misunderstood or juz wanted to find something to spite me wif. doesnt help that kor is in camp e whole of e week... e entire burden seems to rest on my shoulders now. its a fragile balance and im trying my bestest to keep it there. nobody understands e kind of restrain i gotta put myself thru in order not to show any signs of abnormality when i juz wanna burst in tears. having no one to trust or to confide in juz add fuel to e fire.

i hope i get e exams over n done wif asap. currently, im still in a state to concentrate but once it hits e brim, thats it. for now, i'll manage. for e sake of my family... went studying wif evelyn today at her country club and i barely finished half of what i normally would have done. 2 more days to econs paper... but im more worried for my Chinese and Lit..

worries worries worries.

went to OG Orchard to try and change e tee for pa but it was outta stock so it was quite a wasted trip. had to go to e loo when i was waiting at e bus stop to go home, so i went to e nearest building which was Winsland House. and e ladies had to be situated at e 4th floor... so i need to take e lift with all those working adults as dey stared at me in my tee and track pants. so intimidating. and i had e misfortune to be there at e peak hour so when i was going out, it was practically "people mountain people sea". during e bus ride which took a good 1 hour despite being 174e, i tot bout lotsa stuff. i tried to sleep and shut my mind out coz i was reali zoned out after sleeping late yesterday, but my brain doesnt allow me to. e thoughts juz kept rushing thru... one after another... i feel so helpless.

i cant seem to find e strength to keep me strong. somebody tell mi wer to go find it...

butterflies whispered at
6/21/2005 01:47:00 AM

Monday, June 20, 2005

its almost 3am. its raining outside. everyone's asleep by now. its dead silent except for e roll of thunder. perfect weather for snuggling in bed and for feeling comfortable.

and its during these kinda moments when u feel most vulnerable. for no reason, ur heart starts to feel queer. its an odd feeling of discomfort, and u try to squirm outta it. den e psychological part comes in. ur mind starts to wonder bout things u've chucked away at e corner of ur mind, things u least wanna tink about coz it hurts.

it makes sleeping so much harder when the prospect of crying it out in oblivion seems like an easier option...

butterflies whispered at
6/20/2005 02:40:00 AM

happy father's day! we went out for dinner at Blk 526... acutali wanted to go somewhere more special coz its Father's Day bu coz we din plan beforehand, we settled for dat instead coz pa suggested it. in e car, i tried to persuade em to go marina bay for dat ultra-cheap steamboat buffet but ma said its too rushed to go all e way der since kor had to book in at 10 plus so... nvm. den we went to popular to exploit my 20% discount voucher... bought like $54.54 worth of stuff. gave pa e white Goldlion polo tee and realised it was too big. heading down to OG tml to try n change it to size M, but dunno whether can or not coz its oredi past 7 days... shall try my luck anyway.

yesterday went studying wif chaoshun at Nanyang CC. actuali, he sneaked me into e study room coz a membership was needed to access e room and i din have it. stayed der from 11 plus till close to 7. chaoshun left bout 5+ to meet his fren. wah.. its a very very quiet place and reali conducive to study in. e tables were cubicle-style so no worries bout disturbances. e onli gripe i have is e chair... soooo uncomfortable. sitting der for a few hours can be quite ass-numbing. geee, and i broke e rules by eating snacks wen im not allowed to. der's a CCTV at e corner of e room, so chaoshun made me sit right at e side so dat it won catch me. haha. anyway, chaoshun was quite a good companion to study wif. he offers entertainment i.e introducing me to some nice New Age songs, gets me out for munchies i.e he whisked me off to KFC at 4 plus to eat Cheese Fries while i ate Shrooms Burger, and keeps quiet wen he's supposed to. did i mention he looks reali cool wif e braces? they are TEAL in colour... very striking! haha.

shishi msged me today using fir's hp. it went something like "i love you ah... i still got feelings for you." im like.... hmmmm... so i replied, "even if u give me money to take him back, i oso dun wan ah, haha." its her bdae today anyway... happie birthday to u! anyway, it was quite amusing la, tho i dunno wat she's up to. probably testing my response? but seriously, im over fir liao. yea, i do tink back of e times we shared as a couple, but its merely recounting e feeling of being loved and not longing for e person himself. it just so happens dat our breakup was quite a traumatic one for me and till now, i couldnt get over e pain. these days, i wasnt feeling reali good and optimistic bout stuff so it juz dug up past experiences of pain and letdowns.

sigh. i tink im too paranoid. a symptom i had last time. i cried bout 2 times ever since my spirits started rolling downhill. e first time, i shan't elaborate coz its a personal matter. but its scary nonetheless... i dun tink it'll break up e family constitution but still, its a sensitive thing. and probably will do a reasonable deal of damage if it ever comes to light. upon finding out, i got reali afraid and i juz msged my bro in camp. din noe wat to do, felt so helpless so e tears juz came. my sis heard and came over, so i told her bout it and she started crying too. e second time, was because my sis came home late. she was supposed to go to jp for a while to do her fren a favour, but she took longer than expected. so i called her hp and it was switched off. its like 10 plus oredi... so i kinda got worried. den i called her other hp... got thru and it suddenly got cut off. when i called back again, it was switched off. i panicked like shit... my heart juz kept thumping madly against e heart cavity and i ran over to my kor's room. i was almost hysterical when i told him bout it coz i tot mebbe she got abducted or something and e perpetrator turned off her hp, not knowing she had a second hp. so wen he heard it ringing, he interrupted e call and switched it off. turned out dat she left her second hp in kor's room and it switched off due to low batt. den i frantically msged her to call home and went to open e door to wait for her. wen she finally called, i juz kept quiet and went to my room coz i was in too much agony to say anything. when she came home, i stayed silent when i would have normally screamed at her for coming home late. till it became too much to bear. i went to e kitchen for some ice cream to calm myself down when pa came over and questioned me, so i juz broke down.

but reali, this sis of mine ought to be more responsible la. it doesnt matter if she goes out late as long as she bothers to tell us when she'll be back home. but everytime, she'll exceed e supposed time she told us she'll be back and she doesnt call back or msg until its reali late. dats why i always had to holler at her when she comes back home. not a very nice thing to do la... but she juz won repent despite e number of times i've been nagging at her to do it. even kor had to interfere at times. den she'll get real pissed and give lotsa reasons for why she's late. still, dats no excuse not to account to us ma... i mean, ppl at home will worry what... she probably doesnt know i scream at her coz i care since i show it in such an unruly way. ah well, i dun need her to know anyway. ppl care without having to let others noe bout it, juz like how ma loves us. tho she doesnt speak so, juz by showing concern by cooking or even nagging is enuff to let me know dat she genuinely cares for us.

coming back to e topic of paranoia. i reali dunno how to get rid of this demon. it has become a part of me. i tend to tink of e most pessimistic situations when something crops up. say, if my fren is late for 1 hour for no reason, i'll be tinking... "where could she be? could she have gotten lost? could she have been held up? could she have overslept? could she have been accosted?? what could they have done to her? is she safe? could she have an accident? WHAT IF ITS FATAL? DOES ANYONE KNOW? IS E AMBULANCE IN TIME TO SAVE HER? ARE THE DOCTORS CAPABLE TO REVIVE HER? WHAT HAPPENS IF THE DOCTORS HAD A MISHAP WHILE HAVING THE SURGERY???????????????" that's my thought process for that 1 hr entirely. frightening huh? den i'll be there trying to contact her, pacing up and down blah blah blah.. now that things are not reali going my way, my paranoia seems to go one notch higher and im reali tortured by it. cant concentrate on my work and i keep tinking bout it till sometimes, i even cry. its silly i noe.. but say if it were to come true, i'll be truly devastated. and e degree of fear i have of that possibility is so high that it makes me break down upon tinking bout it.

I'm tired of rumors starting
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lying
Saying what they want about me
Why can't they back up off me
why can't they let me live
I'm gonna do it my way
Take this for just what it is

im coming to terms wif e rumour. but e emotional consequences that have been dragged up from e past doesnt wanna go away...

butterflies whispered at
6/20/2005 12:24:00 AM

Thursday, June 16, 2005

u nv knew juz a mere knowledge of dat incident could send me back to e state of how i was 4 yrs ago.

it wasnt bout e incident. im over it. but it oredi ripped off e scab, opened up e wound and started to grope my previous injury again. and dats wat is hurting me so much.

i feel like crying at everything i see, everything i hear. i feel so impossible empty yet full of sadness and anguish. i duno how to describe it. i feel like something grabbing at my throat, u noe, dat kinda feeling wen ur about to cry. a sour feeling seeps up ur nose and ur eyes moisten. den i feel e pressure on my chest... like some invisible force pressing on it. i feel like i cant breathe and i juz wanna scream. inwardly, it feels like someone squeezing my heart tightly and it feels real terrible. it feels all so familar. all those ugly memories rushing back like a tidal wave. i tried to contain it but it couldnt. it seems as if juz a few days ago, my best friends ran away and backstabbed me. it seems as if juz a few hours ago, untrue rumours spread across e classes and i was misunderstood to e worst case possible. it seems as if juz a few minutes ago, alvin passed away. it seems as if juz a few seconds ago, firdaus left me.

so much for being Miss Nice. so much for trying to be a stronger person. so much for morphing heartaches into smiles and laughter. so much for building up my inner strength and devoting my outer energies to e ppl who matter to me. so much for trusting once more.

i feel so unnatural trying to be e usual person i am. i was consoling jinyi juz now... i felt like breaking down myself. i was asking chaoshun how he was with his fren.... i felt so tired. i was toking to firdaus bout philosophies of relationships, i felt like telling him things that i shouldnt. i feel like being e weakling i used to be last time... let everything come and crush me. i'll juz succumb to e blows till u hit me no more. it suddenly dawned on me how hard it is to be stronger, to be braver. but i have come this far.. i've overcome e odds.. i've learnt valuable experiences and lessons. im not about to let go of these things.

i love, care for and respect ppl i regard. but why don't i get e same kind of treatment as well? mebbe im not tinking hard enuff but i cant tink of someone who reali loves me now. i noe my parents and my family do, but mebbe for now, i cant feel it. and if dat is so, doesnt it mean dat it aint enuff? i juz wan someone to come n shelter me from the onslaught of these traumatising memories. i promise i won need for long... juz this while will do...

butterflies whispered at
6/16/2005 10:57:00 PM

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

some ppl juz cant keep their mouth shut. firdaus told me even e ppl in ngee ann noe bout e scandal of me and ziheng. and i got labelled as a boyfren stealer. great... ppl whom i dun even noe are probably gossiping bout it a few hundred miles away from me. it doesnt matter if its true. e fact dat they dunno e full works of e issue is juz frustrating. word gets from mouth to ear to mouth to ear a few million times over, and there's bound to be distortion of the story. yea, IT IS A STORY. ppl juz dun like to hear e truth... dey LOVE e falsified part that provides all e juicy bits. and i reali reali reali have no idea y the world works liddat. weird aint it? i cant reali blame them for being this way too. but if ppl all keep to e principle of honesty and integrity, won it be a betta place for all?

i haben been this worked up for long. e last time it happened was in sec sch when my best frenz turned against me and some others started spreading rumours bout wat happened. i mean, its juz plain vicious la. i duno who did it, but i hope these ppl have a conscience bout wat dey're saying. i juz felt like an old wound dats chucked aside for long, being ripped apart again. this issue is not reali a big matter la, but e fact dat it reminds me of a past experience is juz traumatising all over again. becoz of dat incident, i clammed up. i refused to tell anyone bout my problems and how i was feeling. when e angst and frustrations built up to a climax and i cant take it anymore, i juz took it all out on the penknife. now dat im slowly walking out from dat shadow, its all beginning to cast its malicious gloom on me again. i swear im never going to trust anyone again. im never going to confide in anybody anymore. dun cajole me into these games anymore.

i won bother clearing up my innocence. der's too many ppl to clarify to anyway. its useless. some ppl are juz not worth e effort. let em speak wateva dey wan and i won care, as long as my conscience is clear. dats all dat i hafta account for. i'll let time and fate decide e rest.

ppl who truly noe me, noe best. juz wanna thank firdaus for standing up for me. and for those who in one way or another facilitated this spreading, u noe who you are. my heartfelt thank you for making me learn a valuable lesson.

and now i noe e power of e mouth. "Fan ke yi luan chi, hua bu ke yi luan jiang" now i truly comprehend e meaning of this saying. why dun dey propagate "seeing is believing" instead?

butterflies whispered at
6/15/2005 12:37:00 AM

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

haha. i acted as a calafare yesterday in e movie "One More Chance". very fun experience, except dat der are so many takes of e same scene dat it can get boring at times. and e waiting part too.. super super sian. i guess this is how movie filming goes... nv knew its so tiring, esp. for e production crew. hope it'll be a success for em ba! and if u happen to catch e movie, do look out for me during e last few scenes in e church haha. anyway, im supposed to get 30 bucks for juz sitting der and acting a few bits here and der. got few meals too. pretty cool huh? i dragged my lil sis along too haha, but its like from 8am till 7pm de timing... so if u dun mind e sweltering weather, putting up wif repetitive takes, its quite a nice bargain if ur free to take it up. gotta thank Chaoshun for giving us this rare chance to appear on e big screen, and his sis for being e facilitator and for fetching us der.

went to johor on sunday wif my family to collect rent. but its quite a disappointing shopping trip tho. we went to The Store, which used to be loaded wif bargains and nice clothes. but turned out dat its becoming obsolete soon and e place is quite sparse le. but i managed to get a purple off-shoulder top wif e ribbon on e side for bout 35 ringgit. der were a couple of nice-looking tops as well but i figured it wasnt reali worth e money. before dat, we went to Plaza Angsana for groceries. me and sis went to e upper levels of UOcean to look at e clothes and i tried on a black tunic. but i din buy it coz i tot The Store would have betta bargains... now i regret it. gotta wait a few more months b4 going to johor again, and this time around, we're going to Metrojaya or Jaya Jusco instead.

today, i went to JE library to study wif evelyn. did some quite work la.. finished my Chinese Essay and finished recapping part (D) and (E) of Role of Government. but we stayed der for bout 5 hrs+, so this lil bit is considered unproductive le. sigh... one more week to common test. dunno whether can cram everything by den or not. shucks.. now den i realised i shld have studied for common test instead of wasting my time doing Chinese and Lit homework coz dey won come out for common test. shee-it.

i wonder why ppl like to use "Fuck" so much. its invented for a purpose, which i figured is to express extreme emotions of anger, distress or frustration. by right, i tot its original definition is to have sexual intercourse, but mebbe it got miscontrued to this day. but these days, esp. teenagers juz like to pepper their conversations with this word as if it's so cool to do so. imagine hearing it in Layman's term, "Have sex you" when u say "Fuck you". seriously, its been severely abused for e wrong purpose. moreover, its so crude. i juz cant find it anywhere on my tongue to speak this word. i find it even more bewildering when girls use it. Girls saying "Have sex you" to guys? Eww.

for those who know me, i treasure love more than everything else. and dat love includes kinship, friendship and relationships. material stuff nv reali did matter dat much to me unless these are fulfilled. i live for these basal emotions and onli den, will my life be a meaningful one because without love, its like a body without a soul. haven't u heard dat love conquers all? dats why i treat my frenz with my utmost sincerity, i love my family with my best (tho i may not express it fully), and i'll shower my beloved one with affection and concern. i believe in touching ppl with my emotions and care for them because these ppl mean alot to me. it doesnt matter if i dun get to live in a luxurious home, or get a high earning career, or a reputable social status. at e end of e day, in striving for these, u lose e capacity for e basic human emotions of love and affections. why do u tink dat primitive ppl lived without worries? dey may not have experienced e kind of romantic and sacrifical love we have nowadays, but the bond amongst them is expressed thru battles to protect their own tribe, thru working as a community against external forces.

speaking of that, i miss e feeling of being in love. but unfortunately, i dun have anybody i like now. too bad ^.^

butterflies whispered at
6/14/2005 10:02:00 PM

Sunday, June 12, 2005

how apt since me and xiaowen haben met in almost a year already.

we went to town (again!) and intended to catch Mr and Mrs Smith. but wen we went to Plaza, e queue snaked all e way from e counter to e lift lobby, which is just horrifying. and e tix were selling so fast dat e next available show was 6pm (we reached der at 2+) and dey had prolly 5 shows starting from den till 6pm. mmmmmmmmm. juz goes to show how good this movie i guess. so we dismissed e idea and went to Starbucks for a snack. and xw introed me to New York cheesecake, which was plain addictive and sinful. she swears that she can achieve an orgasm juz by eating dat. hahaa. doesnt apply to me tho. e coffee eclair was reali commendable too... so nice dat e hot cocoa paled in contrast to these confectionary dat it actuali tasted bitter.

took a walk down to OG and dats where we began our rampage. i bought e corduroy pants... weee! but holla, i had to upgrade to a L size. eeeks. we were like, at Fiorucci (e brand) for almost 45 mins trying on stuff we would have nv worn b4 coz its so affordable. believe it or not, both of us squeezed into e same cubicle. two approaching 18-year-olds. hahaha. but its this kinda experience dat colour ur life, aint it? after dat, we went up and looked around for more clothes. bought a Goldlion polo shirt for my daddy for Father's Day. juz wen we're bout to exit, xw decided to go back to Fiorucci and buy summo stuff. haha. she bought 5 tops in all, if im not wrong... bout onli 60 bucks at most? e best bargain u can eva have... and she looks reali good in those clothes. i couldnt have pulled it off, man.

den we went to The Heeren to pursue our fav. pasttime... NEOPRINTS! i missed taking neoprints wif her... i still rmbed e number of times we could patronise a neoprint machine in juz 2 hrs in our sec sch days, together wif joan and simyee. e max was like 6? everytime we went to a mall, e first thing we wanna do is to take neoprints. yep, those were e days. and this time around, it turned out reali nice... as usual. hahaha. we wanted a lesbian pose of us pretending to kiss but due to a lack of experience and expertise, we din choose dat shot coz it looked too fake la. oh, and xiaowen got me 2 beautiful bikinis for last yr's x'mas and this yr's bdae. hahaa. one's pink and one's blue. and i can use e blue one for tanning since its almost like a tube, except for e straps. weeeeeee! thanx so much.

we made a deal to go out during e last week of e hols. and i cant wait already. ^.^

butterflies whispered at
6/12/2005 11:42:00 PM

Friday, June 10, 2005

hahaa. my title has no relevance or watsoever. i juz typed wateva came to my mind dat very instant. but since its THE TITLE, i shall give it some spotlight and free advertising. The brand is Clear O2, available exclusively from Watsons. e skincare range onli consists of 4 products; cleanser, toner, exfoliator, anti-acne serum. currently, i haben tried e exfoliator yet coz its a freakin 29 bucks for one bottle. but as for e others, its reali effective for oily skin like me. most of my peeps know how prone my face is to pimple breakouts, but ever since i started using this brand, i dun have a single breakout at all, lest some occasional bumps here and there dat disappear as soon as i pile on the anti-acne serum. doesnt come cheap tho... both e cleanser n toner is 19 bucks per bottle of 100ml and e seurm is 23 bucks. actuali i din bear to buy but my mum told me it'd be a gd investment if it reali did help my skin. may be a lil pricey but its still cheaper than other dermatologist-prescribed solutions. so ya... juz a wee bit of info on dat.

i realised dat i tend to repeat words in sentences den wat i intended to say doesnt make any sense anymore. like in my previous entry, i spotted 3 errors. e first is "make everyone make for her" when i meant "make everyone wait". e second is "the small was small" when i meant "the place is small". e third is "it got used to it liao" when i meant "i got used to it liao". and speech-wise, i cant seem to articulate properly these days. lack of oral practice i guess. i keep stumbling over my words, or i hesitate coz i cant find e right word in my head at dat instant. mmmm...

din go out wif xiaowen today coz my lil bro had a fever and started to have diarrhoea this morning. since everyone is out, i stayed home to take care of him instead. my apologies to xiaowen for dat. i promise to get u something nice frm johor on sunday. well, e day was spent mostly on sleeping. i woke up at 11, ate breakfast, watched some tv and went to nap. den my bro woke me up at around 2 to cook maggie mee for him. after eating lunch, i watched MTV den felt bored and went to sleep again. woke up at around 6 this time... decided to do some abdominal exercises b4 going to bath. ate dinner.. watched tv again and here i am. bahh.... one day wasted liddat. but truly, i had no mood to do work. i duno why. not disciplined enuff today.. *slaps myself 100 times across e cheeks* aiyo, how can???????? common test is juz one week away... and e whole weekend would be spent going out. wer got time to study??? mebbe i'll do midnight study instead... i dun feel sleepy anyway. hah. outing wif xiaowen postponed to tml. she said to call me tonight but its 11 oredi and i dun hear a single ring. mebbe she forgot. haha.

fact of the day: soya bean increases female hormones. as claimed by my sis. and i prolly finished half a litre of it thru-out e day. hahahaha.

im pretty sure i've stagnated at e developing stage of puberty. which means, im not fully developed. or mebbe im juz born with this amount of hormones and it has oredi reached its full productive capacity. coz i dun see myself growing any taller or any more bosomy. bleah. i onli feel myself growing horizontally. i dun mind my current appearance, but sometimes i do feel inferior to e ppl around me la. still, i accept it positively coz i noe its juz skin-deep and wat reali matters is my personality. my outlook is not something i can help, but of coz i can make myself more beautiful inside so i shall work on dat more instead.

Project Superstar is very nice! similar to Singapore Idol but i like it much betta coz e judges are much nicer and e hosts were great. anyway, there was this blind contestant who got into the second round of audition and he sang I Believe by Fan Yi Chen. its soooo moving, coz he sings with such sincerity. e whole crowd was dead silent and hearing his voice resonate around e stage. he may not look great, nor has wat it takes to be a superstar, but he definitely has touched everyone with his voice. he's soo much betta than those ppl singing for e sake of impressing ppl. i juz felt like crying when he sang the song... come to tink of it, i saw him b4 performing on e streets as a busker. reali admire ppl like this coz dey got e courage and the heart what they believe in. my utmost respects to him.

did u get to see Kelly Clarkson's music video of "Behind these hazel eyes"? she's soooooooooooo beautiful and mesmerising. she doesnt have e classic beauty of "pretty pretty" or supermodel material (speaking of which, i tink supermodels look ugly. dey onli have e body) but she has very charming features. and e video is very nicely shot too. and Ayumi's "My name's WOMEN". super girl powerrrrrrrrrr and as usual, she looks stunning. and i downloaded "Step You" oredi.. v.v.v.v. nice. haha.

everytime e holidays come, i resoluted to learn how to cook/bake or make stuff but i nv gotten down to doing it. argh~ i wanna learn how to make ba zhang but mummy won teach me coz she's too busy. =(

deniece is missing her ben ben coz he went to m'sia. juz wanna tell her dat time will pass real soon and before u noe it, he'll be back. ^.^

butterflies whispered at
6/10/2005 10:50:00 PM

Thursday, June 09, 2005

superficiality is so prevalent in Singapore nowadays. i dun get it... ya, a certain degree of image-consciousness is important yet some ppl juz go wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy overboard. one classical example would be one of e girls frm my pre-u sem group. she wakes up wen everyone was still sleeping and makes up her hair for heaven-knows-how-long with her home-brought hairdryer. dat's e personal thing and i dun mind as long as she doesnt harm anybody, but e fact dat she comes down half an hour late for breakfast and makes everyone make for her juz so she can do up her hair, is sooooo not right. well, i juz swallowed it down whole and juz told her nicely to keep track of e time from now on. besides dat, she said "applie" sounded toopid and silly and dat i shld revert to Elaine when i clearly told her e purpose of choosing "applie". ahh... she had to kick up a fuss over a mere name... but i took it nicely all e same. but e last straw would be proclaiming on her online journal dat on seminar night, e tears shed by e SLOs were tooo dramatic and uncalled for. i mean.. its not like we deliberately wanted to cry. we certainly dun look great wif puffy eyes n swollen lips, do we? we cried becoz of our efforts put in and paid off... but she juz couldnt see e meaning behind our tears. den dats juz too bad.. some ppl juz aint appreciative i guess. and this is juz one of e soooo many ppl dat i noe but dey're shallow in other ways la... sigh. i feel sad to tink of it. realli.

snap out of it, ppl. it aint doing u any good to judge based on looks. dun be so shallow... u'll get to noe betta things in life and beget more sincerity if u look deep inside of those around you. age and time will do monstrous things to ur physical outlook, but nutting about ur character will ever change even till e day u die. but im assuming ceteris paribus la... i mean, some circumstances may make ppl change their inner being over time. so do urself and others a favour. superficiality is not to be championed. im not criticising anybody in particular but i juz hope dat dey find betta meaning in everything they encounter. its truly sad dat some ppl juz scrape e surface n conclude dat it is/is not of good stuff, den dey forgo all dat goodness lying beneath dat exterior.

enuff said. today i went swimming with elaine n chaoshun at Arena country club today. e small was small but its very quiet since its a weekday, and we get e whole pool to ourselves!!!! great weather; cloudy n no sun but it was disappointing for elaine n chaoshun coz dey intended to tan. for me, i juz wanted to exercise so it din matter. spent bout 2 hrs der, mostly chatting bout stuff n all. at first i was quite conscious bout wearing a bikini in front of chaoshun. i did wear it in front of him during e F1 outing earlier this yr but i wore shorts dat time and he wasnt around me quite often. this time, its a full-fledged display of pink candy-striped bikini and flab. haha. but it got used to it liao la... and i guess its time to be more confident of myself coz der'll be more swimming n tanning in time to come! went to bath and pig out at BK. den chaoshun had to leave for his lil date, so me and elaine stayed till bout 6 to study. weeeeee, i managed to finish my chinese assignment, paper 8 drama analysis and started on one paragraph of my chinese essay. haha. not alot actuali, but considering its juz e first day of serious mugging, i commend myself for e effort ^.^ haha.

Primetime News Headline: Dear Mummy has agreed to sponsor my 30 dollars bikini! i swear im gonna scrimp n save for e next half of this yr so dat i dun hafta take so much pocket money from her.

tml going to town wif xiaowen!! haben met her in close to a yr, perhaps? wow.. we're gonna watch Mr and Mrs Smith, den we gonna pig out on stuff and possibly go window shopping again. hahaa. i cant get tired of window-shopping coz i juz cant wait to get my hands on everything! soooooo delectable!!!!!! but due to budget constraint, im onli left wif like 20 bucks for Bugis, Plaza Singapura, Wisma Atria, Takashimaya, Wheelock Place. bleah.. its Mission Impossible practically. i shall juz drool at e stuff outside e glass windows den might as well dump e 20 bucks in e bank. because..........................................................................................................................

IM GOING TO JOHOR THIS SUNDAY!!!!! WHICH MEANS MORE MORE MORE SHOPPING!!!! AND IN RINGGIT SUMMO!!! WHICH MEANS I GET TO SPEND MORE FREELY!!!!! WHOOHOOOOOO!!!

aiya, i tink im going crazy. i haben gone shopping during e GSS season in e whole of my life, so pls forgive me for being so hyped up bout it. anyway, im not a major spender even if i am going on a spree.

i wanna learn dancing at StudioWu. esp. street jazz and hiphop. i wanna take up Modern Indian dance too, but its not offered der. currently, onli True Yoga does.. and im quite sure it costs a bomb. BOOM! i've been harping on this for so long.. but mostly i dun do it coz of e lack of time. dun wanna risk my A levels for it...

exciting weekend ahead. i cant wait i cant wait! shall go paint my nails coz e old layer is cracking quite horribly hehee... tata!

butterflies whispered at
6/09/2005 10:51:00 PM

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

gee i changed back to nokia liao. and i got myself e 7260 model, e black n red one. doesnt look "applie" at all but its nice la. e packaging is sooooooo stylo! it came wif this black leather pouch wif a black leather strap but i din bear to use so i decided to save it for grander occasions instead. meanwhile, it shall be decorated wif my Happy House butterfly and e blue prism heart that dear Rachel gave us during Talentime. actuali i din reali wanna change my Sony Ericsson K500i coz i oredi used to it and its not even half a year old. anyway, i got quite tired of changing phones as well.. but since my papa got free voucher and his plan needs upgrading, i traded in my old phone for this new gizmo for absolutely zero dollars! and it's got a clearer camera as well as FM radio! yabadabadooooooo~

half e world has watched Madagascar. i belong to e pathetic other half.
ALL BCOZ EVE AND FIDZ PROMISED TO WATCH IT TOGETHER, E 3 OF US BUT DEAR EVE OREDI WATCHED IT WIF HER FRENZ!! !@#$%

so dear fidz n i shall go watch it ourselves after/before a day of tanning and shopping. speaking of which, i oredi met up wif her twice this week, yesterday and today. yesterday she asked me out for swimming but i dragged her out for shopping instead. so we went to town... got xiaowen her advanced bdae present, a pair of Waveline goggles and a white tube top which cost me 13 bucks onli! it used to be like 40+ and it got slashed down for e Great Singapore Sale. i wanted to get a pair of corduroy pants as well (U.P $109 NOW $19) but aiya.. it aint a necessity so i decided to save e money for something else. finally got a taste of e XXL Crispy Chicken from Shih Lin Taiwan Street Snacks. very nice.. but very spicy. me and fidz were like sweating away and gulping green tea on our way to OG from Far East. den today, we went out to town again. but dats after 2 hrs of swimming at Jurong East. gwen was supposed to come coz i promised to go tanning wif her at sentosa but heavens above decided to rain so i made a deal to go wif gwen on e last day of our paper instead. no sun, so fidz n me went swimming instead. good workout i muz say... wanted to stay longer but fidz no more stamina liao haha.. so we bathed n hit town again! this time we went to robinsons.. nutting new lor... SALE everywhere... got me real real real tempted. went to The Heeren and got myself a denim tote dats going for onli 15 bucks when its usual price was 49 bucks. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... den headed to Far East again to eat mee sua from Shih Lin and went on a rampage for a halter tube bikini to go tanning! found a couple of super-nice ones but i wasnt willing to buy coz of e price... 30 bucks leh... muz get sponsorship first... coz i keep withdrawing from my bank account. muz keep it in check.. if not, i'll juz spiral outta control with all these friggin' nice clothings.........

and tml im going swimming/tanning (depending on whether e sun wans to come out or not) wif elaine!!!! wahhhhhhh... haha. i've got a affinity for e pool these days. and did i mention dat fidz wans me to go sentosa wif her this sat??????!!!!! hahahaa... im gonna get skin cancer from all dat sun la... but its my onli chance before e common test starts. gonna start serious mugging after all dat play. in fact, after swimming, we gonna study together liao... anyway, i got back my Econs essay. 16/25... so so sucky! overall i had a B grade, but i could have done betta... Mr Tan commented dat my pts were phrased in a way dat it din answer e question so he couldnt award me e marks dat my content shld have gotten. bah. but nvm... shall treat it as a lesson and from now on, i gonna practise more on my essays! weeeeeeeee!

reviewed CAEZURA's dance from e cd AVAC kindly burnt for us. i guess we din do betta coz we din have enuff impact on e audience... no climax at all, so its like, e audience keeps wanting to see more but din manage to. and i realised we repeated 2 of our routines... we din feel it mattered but watching it makes a whole lot of difference coz it suddenly seemed all similar and repetitive. oh well, i guess its too late. for now, im comtemplating dancing for Teacher's Day celebration. Mrs Razal would love dat man... but i dunno if e other girls wan or not. dey probably wanna concentrate on their studies... we'll see how ba.

and i found out dat a whole load of ppl actuali have access to my blog. i dun mind em reading but pls, dun advertise it or anything. and worse still, dun go n contort stories or watsoeva juz coz u read a one-sided account from me. my blog is purely personal but i swear dat everything i said is true. no self-created lies or wat, so i won change anything here juz coz i dun wan ppl to see. go ahead and read but at e same time, juz respect my wishes la. it does u no good to go n make mountains outta molehills. thanx a million ^.^

butterflies whispered at
6/08/2005 11:10:00 PM

Sunday, June 05, 2005

i may have lost my voice, lost my patience, lost my cool, lost my strength at NTU during e past 5 days n 4 nights, i gained a wonderful SLO experience, friends and alot of life lessons. i learnt to be stronger, to be more tolerant than i already was. though it may not be as fulfilling as orientation, e accomplishment is still reali satisfying. dats y i cried during seminar night. all e scolding, bearing wif fellow SLOs who din keep to e protocol, trying so hard to hype up e participants wif all those boring talks and all, it was worth it. apple came up to me during e last day and gave me a hug, told me how wonderful it was being an OGL, now dat he himself has gone thru e experience. same goes for yihao, minus e hug tho. so sad~ haha.

and i realised i missed Group 13. i saw fitria's blog, and she saluted JJC for our "infinity percentage of effort" for everything! whoohoo... dats our reward for slogging so hard. anyway, i slept until 5pm today. beat that ^.^

i miss deniece. its her bdae 2 days ago and i wasnt able to celebrate it wif her coz i was away at pre-u seminar. boohoo. cant wait to see her in sch next week. and im soooooo looking forward to holiday lessons. i dunno why. haha. and ima mug wif chaoshun and elaine at arena country club everyday after some swimming/gym in preparation for our exams. cool huh? dats healthy living for u... i cant wait to get down to my books and start doing my homework. but getting it done is another story altogether.

i need to revamp my blog. its B-O-R-I-N-G. no tagboard, no layout, nutting. ewks.

im changing my phone tml. AGAIN. coz pa juz got his $500 voucher so he's gonna upgrade. mebbe he'll pass down his 6230 to me. or mebbe he'll trade in his and make me trade in mine, den both of us will get new phones. yay! haha.

i need hugs. and kisses. im deprived of it for so long. but im not desperate. juz feel emotionally empty dats all. that's e one thing dat lingers after having experienced an earth-shattering love wif someone for so long and be left with nothing in just a short period of time. dun worry, its natural; im not eager to lap up anyone who's juz keen to get it on wif me. im still waiting for Mr. Right. meanwhile, i shall dedicate my life to my family, my friends and ppl around me. i found out dat i had alot more to give to these ppl after breaking up wif firdaus. and im determined not to change that even after i found my Mr. Right.

i seriously need to dance too! i juz feel like moving it when i switch on to MTV and hear all those dancey tunes. jinyi told me dat Wu Studio is offering 10 sessions for 100 bucks... can choose whichever genre i like. street jazz, hiphip, funk... wateva. sounds like a good deal. but going wif him alone is kinda awkward huh...

ma juz scolded me for staying up late. haha. well i slept too much liao. but i shall be a good girl n sleep more den. nightz~

butterflies whispered at
6/05/2005 04:39:00 PM

Friday, June 03, 2005

overall it was a roaring success on JJ's part as organisers. we received accolades from alot of schs, especially the students. i guess this is what our human touch has done to ppl from all kinds of background. our hard work over e past 2 months has finally paid off. but i won dare say e same for individual group la. got mixed feelings bout it lor. juz a quick recap...

monday was our first interaction with em. did a pretty good job of ushering em to their respective halls of residence and making em feel comfrtable as much as possible. my first impression of my group was quite alright coz dey ored started to mingle around themselves. had all e admin stuff settled within e day and had icebreakers. quite enjoyable and wat's impressive was dat e spirit was oredi quite high by den. had a lashing by mr leow during debrief coz we had some slip-ups dat werent obvious to e participants but deemed very important to mr leow.

second day, e intellectual stuff started. e spirit kinda died down.. coz my group members reali dun like to cheer coz dey tink its toopid. my partner, chio wentian rubs salt into the wound by proclaiming dat he won teach it coz its damn toopid. wah lao... so i cant do anything but to leave it to e later part of e camp, to see if dey're more receptive. had our telematch after dat and it was damn fun, even though we had no water bombs, sap, flour and whatnot from orientation. e special programmes ppl did their job wonderfully to instill e spirit in e participants and i muz reali thank em for dat. nightly debrief was betta this time around... bedtime delayed till around 2am and had to wake up at bout 5am e next day for another 20 hours of action. it was draining to everyone but we kept at it nonetheless, keeping our smiles on our faces and pushing ourselves to e limit of tolerance. by den, i realised dat chio wentian has "mood swings". wen he's high, he goes crazy to e extent of doing toopid things and making everyone roll on e ground with laughter. but wen he's not dat (which is most of e time), he juz sits around and refuses to lead any cheers or songs tho we hafta teach em in preparation for Seminar Night. he won lead anything on his own, which is often required bcoz i was e group slo i/c and i had to run around for instructions to be given and i couldnt be with my group all e while. hanh had special duties so whenever he's alone, he'll juz let em mix around themselves and he'll wander off by himself and tok to other ppl.

third day was a heavy day of boring talks, presentations and small group discussions. tension between me and wentian worsened wen he apparently din like me always having to remind him bout e admin instructions and all to facilitate e movement of 600+ ppl. but i had to take it wif a smile and juz try to cooperate and compromise if i can lor. e group had their kite-making session which was quite interactive and engaging. bedtime was like 2.30am coz i stayed up to do e cards for my group as a gift after e seminar has wrapped up. had to put up wif his waning patience with regard to me but i told myself i could do it. and i did.

fourth day was fun fun fun fun fun! firstly, we went to Thow Kwang for pottery appreciation and we got to know how to shape clay and all into all those ceramic pots. at frst it was quite dreary and everyone were complaining bout it, so i had to psycho em into getting it over n done with. e hands-on was cool tho... we got to paint our own pottery and bring it home. after lunch, had kite-flying at Innova JC and it was superb! e field was soooooo vast and e picture of almost a few hundred kites taking off in e sky was absolutely beautiful. weather was hot but windy, perfect for kite-flying and e group members were juz having fun on their own. me and hanh had an exasperating time flying our kite coz we were positively screaming all e way while trying to keep our kite in e air and not crash into another 600 plus kites. i figured i had a super cardio-workout, judging by e duration of which we juz went crazy and hyped up, which is a good 30 mins or so. released my pent-up emotions and unhappiness by screaming my lungs out and running around in e boundless field... once again, chio wentian had no regard for their attendence and watsoeva... juz cared bout having fun and all.. so it was onli me and hanh doing e job of organising our uncooperative group members. wentian started to get snappy tho he din do it explicitly.. so i juz swallowed it down as well as i could and try to comply lor. next up was seminar night and it was SO HIGH!!!! damn enthu la... e participants enjoyed themselves greatly with e songs, cheers and dance. den e emotions started to flow wif mr leow's address and all. e SLOs cried and e participants started to follow suit. sang all those teary songs together and had a reali touching moment in e Multi-Purpose Hall of NIE@NTU with my group members at last. cried till e cows came home and had our e-web, where dey finally opened up to apologise for their lack of enthusiasm after realising our hard work in making it possible. received alot of hugs and words of thanx from em... made my day fulfilling despite e breakdown wif wentian. finally dey became much more enthusiastic and even proposed an overnight party on this last night. slept at around 3am coz me and hanh were writing e cards for em in my room. as for wentian, he said he was too tired and promised to work on it e next day. before dat, a few of us including wentian were like going crazy playing "ji niu nai" and getting super hyped up bout it. but once we went back to our group and i wanted to teach em how to play this, he became a wet blanket and din wanna do it together wif me and hanh. anyway, it was his birthday la so i juz went along wif it lor without saying a word. din manage to do e compulsory reflections and debrief for em coz of dat.

last day of e seminar. i was technically dead and exhausted oredi from e lack of sleep, plus e fact dat im losing my voice from all dat screaming e previous night. was feeling demoralised over e situation so i juz decided to let wentian handle everything coz i tot, since he wans it dat way, den i shall let him taste how its like to neglect all e important protocol. was almost fainting wen dey had e tea session with Minister Tharman... dats how tired i was. but i kept e smile on nevertheless; it nv wavered although it got less wide and cheery by e minute. my group members took lotsa photos and autographs.. so glad dat dey had a good time. had to abandon my plan coz wentian simply did do wat was necessary and ppl were going missing everywhere, making me and hanh search for em while he was der having fun and chatting away wif em. i got so bitter that i tot dat it din reali matter even if dey're gone after today coz i couldnt feel e bond at all, unlike orientation. broke down wen i was waiting at e transport point coz i could no longer stomach e breakdown between me and wentian, in addition to my state of physical well-being which is almost at zero already. thankfully gwen was der to help me regain my composure.... finally got back to e halls and helped em check out. sent em up e bus and dats wen i felt a tug at my heart at e tot of not seeing em again. after all, i was with em for a whole of e 5 day 4 night camp.. how not to feel attached to em, especially after e emotional outcry e previous night before?

so basically dats how it went la. gained alot of things from this pre-u seminar and im so glad dat i went. i cant help but admt dat im actuali proud of myself as well as e other SLOs for accomplishing this task beautifully, being part of this huge committee to make sure dat everything runs smoothly. for dat, we were rewarded wif affection from our participants and praise from varous schs. and through this, i oso became stronger in e sense dat i have stretched my endurance level to such an extent. and i oso got to experience different sch cultures.. sad to say, i reali despise those top schs. dey may be smart, but they are so condescending towards others who are seen as inferior to em. dat sux totally... not dat i have something personal against em, but i juz cant stand e way dey're so stuck up la.. i din show it tho.. juz had this very strong feeling in my heart as i observed em everyday. but in other ways, dey can be quite nice too so i guess its a love-hate relationship. and now i reali reali reali dislike Anglo-Chinese ppl.. be it ACS or ACJC. dey are juz soooooooo unsupportive and all...(tsk tsk). to tin dey'll become Singapore's leaders in time to come. pui ah... ooops, sorry i cant help it. i also learnt how to deal wif difficult ppl and get along wif em for e sake of professionalism, like with wentian most of all, it was e friendship between e SLOs themselves dat i reali reali cherish. this is what i treasure most bout e seminar.. juz wanna say my biggest thank you to Hanh for being such a great SLO. she's always der with me, to stick it out thru e tough times and oso to enjoy e fun moments. LOVE YA HANH! so ya, dats how my week went.

AND TIME TO START ON PREPARATION FOR MID-YEAR! -_-"

butterflies whispered at
6/03/2005 10:31:00 PM