`cynic's child`

Saturday, July 30, 2005

yesterday's Partyworld escapade was great! u shld have seen yingpeng sing.. wah lew. its a pity he nv joined Project Superstar. albeit im e onli girl der, andrew yingpeng and chaoshun were very accomodating towards my sophomore attempt at singing karaoke. at first i was still quite apprehensive... coz i shy ma. e voice nv open den keep "zao sia" lor.. den dunno how to sing wif mic, so i sounded like a mouse compared to chaoshun's booming voice. had so much fun!!! haha. well at least im more comfortable wif singing in front of ppl liao la.. coz dey practically heaped praises for my singing tho it wasnt exactly good. anyway, im suffering for it now... my throat hurts so much!! *cough cough*

speaking of which, yingpeng was from my sch but we hardly knew each other den. now we meet almost everyday and exchange daily topics like nobody's business. so glad dat i've found another post-Commonwealth acquaintance.. he's always there wif his megawatt smile and im always so amused when he gets excited over singing.. and now it brings me to yet another issue. i miss commonwealth and all my frenz from there. im still keeping in contact wif more than half of them la... but still, i miss 2/5 and 4/4. i miss e netballers. i miss xiaowen. i miss running on Morning, Wednesday mornings, and at Macritchie on Friday afternoons. i miss mr yong. i miss mr leong scolding us. i miss waving to all my peeps along e corridors. i miss e morning rendevous with firdaus (oops). i miss taking class photos. i miss being saboed in e toilet with water sprays, shampoo and eggs. i miss griping bout how squeezy it is in e hall and not getting a good view of e stage. i miss e canteen food. i miss all e private corners i shared with different ppl; e shower cubicle in e 5th level girls toilet with Xiaowen, e 6th level staircase landing with Firdaus, e space outside 4/4 classroom with Evelyn and Fedora...

its one of e most memorable times in commonwealth i suppose, coz it happened at e most impressionable period of my life when i was a teenager. when u get away scot-free with having fun and u're forever in holiday mood. when u get all suicidal juz coz ur best friend backstabbed you. when u took pride in e most minor things dat ppl praise u for. and im dead sure that these memories are here to stay. here's a deep-felt thank you to all e ppl i've encountered in CSS, for making up such an important journey of my life. love u all...

how time flies. im sitting for A levels in another approximately 3 months. attended the talk by NUSFASS today, and i was pettily pissed at e science students who had e slightest intention of stealing our places in FASS juz coz dey cant get into THEIR science faculty. we arts students slog our butts off, writing essays a hundred times longer than their miserable formulae and SPAS, struggling so hard coz our subjects are so abstract. we suffer unnecessarily long timetables because e arts subjects wouldnt fit into a short day. dey look down upon us because of our relatively inferior results. if dey were all dat good, den why dun dey compete for e places in their faculties instead of degrading themselves to get a place in Arts? and why did dey even take Science in e first place if dey wanted to come to a Arts fac? so trashy la... take Arts as last resort juz bcoz dey din specify very stringent admission criteria. ewks.

oh good news. weijian got in. yays~ <-- notice e unsually calm tone that's distinctly un-Applie behaviour. that's bcoz i decided that i shall not go all hyper over him anymore in public, unless im with e fanclub or at home coz im aware dat ppl may think it's childish and fanatic. so i shall reserve that for private moments.

revision is going smoothly. *beams*

butterflies whispered at
7/30/2005 01:20:00 AM

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

eeps.

i sang till my voice sounds hoarse now. coz bout 5 days ago, i discovered i noe how to harmonise... haha. so i kept singing along to any songs i noe. den 2 days ago, elaine, andrew, yingpeng, chaoshun and me stayed till 8plus in sch to study. on our way out, we walked along e track and realised e ambience was perfect for singing! e wind was cool, it was dark and e lights from the nearby flats illuminated a beautiful background. we went to e basketball and juz started singing all e songs we possibly tot of right then. i used to be quite shy bout singing in front of ppl coz i wasnt confidence of my voice. after all, all of em were such good singers!!!! got formal training (voice lessons.. choir practice...) ok! but i opened up la.. den now i sing like der's no tomorrow. keke. and we're going to partyworld tml to blast our voices to e max! how cool can dat be eh?

got back GP. got 35 for paper 1 and 31 for paper 2. not bad la... a B3 overall. but i felt like i don't deserve e marks. it has certainly been inflated coz i wasn't impressed by my effort this time around. if mrs razal were marking it, im sure she would penalised me more. hopefully, we can get back our lit papers on friday. then i'll see how ugly my progress report would look for this term. and my mum gonna meet mrs razal this saturday to discuss my academic performance. den i'll head down to my aunt's house for my cousin, Kei Kei's, bdae party.

weijian dance sooooooo cute. he's so charming lor... i went for e recording on tues and boy! he sang real good. 2nd highest scorer. and weilian sang very well too!!! very very touching... he improved alot too! so proud of him.. but toopid, dey cut off alot of parts in e telecast. there was one very cute part in weijian's video, where he was climbing up this pole, BUT THEY CUT IT OFF!!!!!! ARGH!!! and did i mention i took a photo wif weijian's gf? she so chio, so amiable and so nice... coz sherlynn and yuhui sat right in front of her during e recording den dey requested to take photo wif her. den i juz 'chop' in and take oso.. hehehe. if onli i could do so wif weijian as well.

today stayed to study until 7. yay, so proud of myself! so far, i've been keeping to my revision schedule. manageable i guess... hopefully it'll stay this way for e months to come until e prelims and oso to e A levels. had a talk by NTU today, and im quite convinced dat i won apply there. most probably, i'll be going to NUSFASS.... if my results permit la, dat is.

downloaded lotsa lotsa songs!

im so broke. im told to watch The Island (i oredi missed War of The Worlds). alot of bdaes are coming up (xiaowen in particular, firdaus, joan...) and im so outta cash. argh. and i gonna spend another 10 bucks on tml's outing. bleeeee. sponsors anyone?

APPLE SAID I LOOK SLIMMER!!!!!! WHOOOHOO! its either i grew taller, or i reali lose weight. actuali i noticed it too this morning when i was dressing for sch, but i tot it might be juz a psychological mirage, upon tinking dat e exercises i've been doing e past week shld have some effect. yippee yippee yay yay! now ppl cant say im fat anymore. wakaka.

frankly i dunno wat izzit all bout between me and chaoshun. we're juz reali good buddies lor. true, we may be spending alot of time together but dat doesnt mean anything what. we're enjoying each other's company as frenz and nutting more than dat. and im 100% sure our friendship will not blossom into anything more than that, be it now or in e future. but kuku andrew and kuku yingpeng juz kept teasing us. even ELAINE helped to put us together. aiyo..... play play can la... dun push it too far can oredi. man! chaoshun, we muz unite and fight against e evil forces! haha.

butterflies whispered at
7/27/2005 11:06:00 PM

Sunday, July 24, 2005

love weijian to bits. went to see him at Bishan Junction 8 yesterday wif my sis and sherlynn. met another weijian lover, and she happens to live near us! next time can go together le. hahaha, another eye candy feast. and he's standing wif weilian!!! den i can take photos of them together. anyway, we were waiting for the Superstars to arrive and dey played alot of songs by Jolin. e place was reali crammed and we were almost sniffing each other's BO. we were like, almost headlice-jumping distance apart. but being Applie, i couldn keep still and i kinda bounced to e beat la, but i was being conscious and took care not to bump into other ppl. den this 14 year old or so, tapped me on e shoulder and told me in a very buay song tone to "STOP SHAKING!" and she diaoed me in e face. haha. i dun see e rationale for her behavior so i shook even vigorously to make my point. mebbe i shld have juz sang "wo yi ge ren tiao wu..." to her. haha.

being photomaniacs, i suggested to take neoprint after dat! haha. we barely knew each other but are united by one common reason: weijian. i love this clique of ppl coz dey're very nice and humble. not like some other unscrupulous beings who resort to anything to diss other fans, fight for tix or criticise other contestants. yea, dats e ugliness of this whole idol-chasing thing lor.

anyway, i was caught between fir and shishi again. bleah. im so innocent lor!!!!!!!!! and i realised how much shishi was like me in e past.. always getting jealous over lil lil things. thankfully i learnt my lesson.

REVISION OFFICIALLY STARTS ON MONDAY!!!!
got everything panned out liao. shld be able to complete e whole syllabus by e next 45 days. yeap.. jiayou ba!!!!!!!

butterflies whispered at
7/24/2005 11:39:00 PM

Friday, July 22, 2005

weijian is in, whoohoooooo!!!! our votes din go to waste..... yay!!!!!! i swear dat my heart almost stopped when dey announced e last one to be kicked out. when leon's face was flashed on e screen, MY SIS AND I JUZ SCREAMED OURSELVES MUTE IN OUR PARENT'S BEDROOM. WEEEE!!!! more chances to see weijian le...... im so so happy....... this sat, i muz go catch him at Bishan, no doubt. even arranged to go der early to 'chop' place... den i bring my homework der to do while waiting for e event to start at 2pm. wahahahahaa. this time MUZ take photo wif him..

sia la. i very demoralised leh. my academic performance is going downhill. e tests i've been getting back, either fail or juz pass. so so so so disappointing. am i reali not working hard enuff???? but i very 'yong xin' oredi.. i try not to sleep in class anymore, i try to engage in more discussion... tho my teachers said im generally quite consistent, i dun see e reflection in my results lor. 51 more days... i muz improve by leaps n bounds, no matter what.

tml going to see RAPTURE by sajc dance. hope we'll enjoy it ba...

if it happens one more time, e tears will stop. and i'll make my heart stop beating from dat moment onwards... i can no longer stomach e betrayal...

butterflies whispered at
7/22/2005 12:17:00 AM

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

deniece, rach almost laughed their tummies off when dey heard me pronounce e above phrase. apparently, dey found it very amusing from e way i say it.

i failed econs. 47/50. 'sickened' was e word when i saw my marks... i reali din expect myself to fail, esp. after i spent almost e whole of one week mugging for this subject. so disappointing... =( damn, 52 days to prelims. i betta betta betta start to get reali serious. no kidding.

went for Project Superstar recording on monday and bam! its really cool... being der in a real studio, seeing my idol live in e face (tho im like almost 10m away from him...) and juz enjoying myself in e presence with so many other fans. e atmosphere was real good, and everybody juz gave their best in cheering. im not biased, but Weijian's fans cheered e craziest lor. we screamed at every lil thing.. haha. even e hosts were overwhelmed. and most imptly, Weijian sang sooooooooooooooooo well! it was so touching and so good... e judges all had good comments for him. he reali deserves to get in, no doubt. if all goes well, he will. im keeping my fingers, toes and all e other parts of my body that can be crossed, crossed. anyway, saw e telecast on TV juz now and saw myself behaving quite fanatically when e camera caught me in its view. most of e time, i was like grinning from ear to ear and waving my placard (self-made okay!) like nobody's business. elaine commented dat i looked so funny on tv... and chaoshun said i was crazy. which i dun deny la... coz i shouted myself hoarse until i had a sore throat e next day. and i skipped MO XIE bcoz i wasnt feeling up to it. muz make up tml..

procrastination is e killer of time. im practically butchering mine ruthlessly. oh no.

1. i muz study everyday.
2. i muz work out at least 3 times a week.
3. i wanna tan.

3 resolutions to myself. dat means, no more afternoon naps coz it wastes time. gotta sleep early everyday... but i prolly noe i won la. i'll try... i'll try.

mrs razal wans to see my parents. =( onli elaine and carmen were exempted. oh man............... der goes my hopes of wanting to become top 3 students in e class. HOW??????????????

my bank account is rapidly being depleted. my sis owes me 50 bucks. and der's alot of other expenses i haben paid for, like topping up my ez-link and buying dat Econs TYS for practice. grrrrrr.... everytime i had to draw money out, i feel a great sense of reluctance amounting to dat of parting with ur lover. im not stingy or what la... its juz dat i feel reali annoyed at e way im spending, tho most part of it is necessary. im cutting my daily spending to at most 3 bucks a day, surviving on plain mee fen and drinks at all times possible. tok bout fiscal discipline.

i cant wait to start working. im oredi flipping thru FastAds. haha. anybody wanna recruit me?

butterflies whispered at
7/20/2005 10:59:00 PM

Sunday, July 17, 2005

blah.

oh i forgot to say dat weijian has 2 vampire teeth! hahaha. i have this fetish for guys... i dun like straight rows of teeth; i like e occasional vampire tooth coz when dey smile, dey juz look so cutely flawed. firdaus last time oso liddat one.. awwwwww...

went online to check out e university courses. a few days ago, i was comtemplating not to even go to university coz of e lack of direction and confusion. none of e courses actuali interested me den. i guess it was juz a side effect of my condition... but now after browsing thru FASS's site, i felt like doing so many courses lor. im interested in Communications and Information and Psychology, Sociology. and im spoilt for choice between NUS and NTU coz NTU offers a double major in which i could take Psychology and Sociology since i cant reali choose between e two. it offers both e micro and macro perspective of how e human mentality functions and how society is formed on that basis. eh eh... so interesting. i always wanted to do these courses but was turned off due to lack of career choices. dunno whether its credible or not, but the webbie said dat those grads were employed into PR positions, marketing analysts, tourism among others. a-ha! all of which i'll gladly try my hand at... esp. tourism. For Communications and Information, i could branch out into e media industry, trying journalism, radio broadcast or even television broadcast. haha. i've always be a people-oriented person, so i guess i gonna specialise in dat! cant stand being shackled in e office typing away, or researching thru piles of mini-print and coming up wif a thousand ther hypotheses or reports. but e web alone is not enuff information la.. still cant make a decisive choice based on dat. will see how again.. if not, i can always go NIE and become a teacher. juz dat it doesnt seem dat appealing anymore since i got more interactive options.

bug-a-boo. yesterday night around 2 plus, shishi actuali msged me again coz fir was angry wif her for something and sought help from me. i was oredi asleep by den... and guess what? i dreamt of firdaus! e moment i woke up n saw those msgs, it was almost like deja vu. in my dream, i was running away from someone whom i dun like (but in real life, he's actuali my close fren la... and he kinda pushed his boundaries a lil too much in my dream). den i was running to e bus stop when i saw firdaus on bus 99, standing and holding e handgrips wif bags of groceries. e most ridiculous thing was dat he was wearing this baggy pale yellow singlet (not e shoddy type, but rather those hunky type). it would be sooooooooooooooooo laughable in reality coz he's too skinny to carry it off but aiya, he looked quite snug in my slumber illusions. haha.

its like 1.33am now. i got a tummyache caused by Justea dat my lil bro took home from NDP for e pri sch students. haha. i still rmb my own experience at e National Stadium, soaking in e spirit of National Day along with e youth of my age, our vibrance lighting up e whole atmosphere and our ever-curious-but-never-satisfied craving for fresh discoveries. e fireworks juz totally fired us up as well... oooooh. juz love it.. wonder when i'll get to go again eh?

butterflies whispered at
7/17/2005 01:12:00 AM

Saturday, July 16, 2005

im so tired. i woke up 7.40am this morning juz so i could reach Esplanade early for e tix to Project Superstar's revival round. dun ask me why im so fanatic this time round when i have nv gone so crazy over such idols before. brought my sis along. met a few new frenz and we did banners together. whoa, im so proud of our work. muz reali thank Sherlynn for her hard work, as well as Angie and Huiyin (if i rmb correctly). we hit it off quite well. haha. guess what? im like one of e oldest in e group.. probably less than five who are older than me. but everyone mistook me for a sec sch student. oh well. haha. for our hard work, we were awarded e tix! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....... im gonna root for weijian on monday!!! yippee yea yea! and i gonna vote for him too. mebbe 10 times lor.. 6 bucks.. at most dun eat lunch for 2 days can oredi. anyway, juz a comment on e fans: dey're quite civilised la, albeit lotsa bitching and gossiping bout other contestants and blah. but i reali liked my grp of new-acquired frenz... dey're much more mature than e rest. anyway, e title is e name of our fanclub. yay, go figure what it means.

wakaka. wif juz a few clicks on friendster, i found out who's weijian's gf. man. so disappointed but im happy for him all e same coz e girl seems quite nice. judging from her testimonials and profile, i tink she compliments weijian perfectly. both very cute and kiddy-kiddy. looks real demure too. and dey onli got together this June lor. see, my news so 'ling tong'. so no chance of them breaking up la haha. wish em all e best ba..

actuali tml got event one. but i dun tink i'll be going... wanna start my revision proper liao. tho i doubt it'll begin tml.. staying at home kills all my motivation to work hard. gotta tidy up my room and start to plan my revision schedule liao..

2nd night w/o fear..

butterflies whispered at
7/16/2005 10:18:00 PM

Friday, July 15, 2005

i'll live with it. i know dat my condition is pretty bad but i'll overcome it somewhat. i'll find e strength within me to get thru this. i may not succeed but i'll try.

"I cannot get enough of people that know what they want, and that want all the beautiful things life has to offer them. But it’s not enough to just know, they need to believe they’ve the right to it, and that it’s possible. Everything really is possible, and I don’t believe we are living in a bland age where nothing exciting ever happens, where everyone is apathetic and uninterested in anything aside from making life a little more bearable for themselves." -sarongpartygirl

i cant agree more. anyway, elaine tan immediately comes to mind when i saw this on SPG's blog. she's like e perfect ambassador for this. i find dat my life is so mundane, sch home sleep sch home sleep. occasionally trips to town and hanging out wif frenz. typical 18-year-old life. i so wanna do something outta e ordinary... i wanted to do part-time voiceover. i wanna be in e service industry, smiling and serving ppl everyday. i have no big dreams; i juz dun wanna be part of this insectified society, working a 9-5 job, having e same routine everyday. i crave excitement. i have e zest for life. shouldnt everyone have that too? i guess ppl have varied definitions of zest. fedora told me dat this top student in her faculty actuali studies e minute she reaches home till bout 2 or 3am, till she understands every single bit of her lecture notes. it is onli when she needs to eat or go to e loo dat she rests. otherwise, its juz STUDY SLEEP STUDY SLEEP. that is totally scary. i cant imagine myself doing that. i'll have no life la... i wonder if she ever feels contented doing that. mebbe for her, getting e results she desperately wants is her ultimate achievement in life and striving for that is a fulfilment to her. mebbe it would be healthier to strike a balance... like Mr Leow. he works sooo hard yet he has e time for so many other tasks. and he thoroughly enjoys himself. how i wish i could pan my life out this way too..

starting my fitness regime again in dunno-how-many-months. began wif a 15 run in e park, 30 sit ups and 30 push ups for mere warming up. gonna increase it gradually... next session will be tml. yea man.. time to get those fats burnt away. but gotta admit dat i almost burst my tummy eatign at deniece's house today. rachel, her and me went over to cook spaghetti! haha. had such fun... and we cooked so much dat we were practically struggling to finish e last morsel of pasta on e plate. but it was nice! digested our food by way of teaching deniece econs haha. i haben been very close to rachel actuali, juz dat i hang out wif her in sch. but i find her a very nice person to tok to... she's very soft-spoken, very tolerant, easy-going and easily amused. yea.. love rachel!!!

have i mentioned how i detest ppl who takes my things w/o permission? its basic respect ok. if you're reading this, u jolly well know who you are. i dun hafta spell it out. i mentioned it to you alot of times before, and just before i kept quiet bout it doesnt mean i dunno anything bout it. u betta stop what you're doing before i get nasty. im being very nice here by not flaring up at e invasion of my private space.

was going to sch today alone coz my pa nv fetch. i was walking from e life landing to e bus-stop when i passed by a group of teenaged hooligans and dey wolf-whistled/made teasing sounds. i ignored and continued walking since i normally dun bother bout such boliao ppl, and was standing quite a distance away from them when this guy rode up on his bike and tapped me on my shoulder. i was kinda startled, and he said dat his fren wanted to noe me and requested my handphone. being e patient person i am, i politely told him "im going to sch and i dun have time for u" sorta stuff but he kept persisting dat dey could wait till im dismissed from sch blah blah blah. heck. firstly, he could barely speak Chinese decently and secondly, he looked like some underaged adolescent. and he dares to come up to me for my number. some ppl... i juz cant believe how desperate/thick-skinned/ignorant dey are. apathy i say.

ah. now i onli got weijian to tide over my frustrations. tml im going to "fight" for tix to e revival round. den help e fanclub paint banners. weeeeee. hopefully i'll get to go la. ^.^ jia you jia you.

butterflies whispered at
7/15/2005 11:14:00 PM

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

u probably cant see thru e screen i've put in front of myself.

for a moment, i wished i was a recluse. shut out from the troubling world, from the disturbing affairs of everyday life. i could do with indulging in solitude...

yesterday night, i slept fitfully. tink its coz i was reali tired. was on e phone with firdaus till 3.30am... he has something on his mind, and he asked if i could call him to chat. might as well, since i was reali scared to sleep after e previous 2 nights. before we knew it, it was oredi been 3 hrs on e line. told him bout my problem... dunno why but i instinctively felt dat he's e onli one i could confide in. no feelings of lingering affection or watsoeva; i tink its juz e fact dat i trust him enuff. and we traded secrets as well. anyway, juz hope his problems will blow over soon. same goes for dearest xiaowen.

i still cant help being disappointed at my Econs common test. mr tan analysed e article with us and i could understand everything dats in there. i could even answer majority of e questions he posted. but why a miserable 11/30??? there's something wrong in the way i answered the question because a few of my paragraphs that were painstakingly written and thought over, was simply labelled "irrelevant" or "out-of-point". due to this, i had this very strong impulse to revise the whole of my Econs syllabus starting from today. i've resoluted to stay back during e extended study hours and start my preparation for A levels. cant allow e same mistakes to occur during this crucial exam... gotta find time to work out a revision timetable till prelims so that i've got everything panned out. jiayou, menghui...

this is for -you know who you are if u r reading this-. thanx, i reali appreciate ur concern but im quite certain its something dat divine interference won help. dats why i went to e priest in e first place... it did help for a while but i guess its still my mind doing e dirty work. its purely psychological, i figured. this has got nutting to do with u, but upon hearing what u wanted to do for me, i immediately felt this reflex to shut myself out. as in... just keep quiet bout my problems and not tok bout it aynmore. im not saying u caused it or that im blaming u; its juz my character. mebbe it helps if i explain that this is why i dun tell ppl my problems. i feel uneasy bout ppl helping me... u can listen, u can offer me a shoulder, or even encouraging words. but somehow... i am extremely uncomfortable with ppl going to such lengths for me. u get what im saying? i reali do noe how much u care and i reali am touched, speaking from e bottom of my heart. but unknowingly, i felt very pressured and very stressed out. i oso dunno why. i want u to knoe that its not ur fault and that u've done nutting wrong in doing so, truly. its juz a disorder in me.. but rest assured, i'll consult my mummy bout it. if she agrees, she'll bring me over to e temple k? thank u so much...

tml is chinese oral. i nv prepare leh, how?

butterflies whispered at
7/13/2005 11:25:00 PM

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

its recurring again. e last 2 nights were spent in my parents' bedroom. now im reali afraid to sleep at night. even having my parents in e room doesnt help, coz its right there in my mind. its fooling around with my sanity...

i noe what is causing it. but i cant do anything to stop it. i found out yet summo evidence. its causing a big gaping hole in my heart, a reeling state of mental imbalance and incessant fear. i find dat my tolerance is slowly wearing off, my attention is short-spanned and i get psychologically exhausted easily. because of e tumultous nights, i cant keep awake... coffee doesnt help too. i keep switching off... and today i juz got back my Econs case study. 11/30. huh... e fact dat everyone has this kinda grades across e level, doesnt come as a consolation to me. my MCQ sucked even more. 7/15. FAIL. i spent one week studying for Econs alone and came back with this kinda grades. and i need 30 marks for my essay juz to pass... 30/50 leh. its not a very high possibility...

bleeding my life away...

butterflies whispered at
7/12/2005 10:21:00 PM

Sunday, July 10, 2005

YEP! or rather, superstar gazing!!!!!!! i went down to P.S to catch them at Design Fiesta. tho dey onli came for a while, it was still very nice. i was like squashed among bout a hundred over screaming girls. i onli shouted for Weilian... but it was drowned in all e shrieks and screams. i came for Weijian tho... haha. all e contestants looked so good in real life... esp. Weijian lor! very very cute. saw qiuyiong, wenting and jeannie der as well. hahaa. took lotsa pics of em. gotta upload em into shutterfly. but i dun tink i'll be going down for other events anymore... im not reali into fanatic impulses. after this experience, im quite contented oredi. and i was enlightened bout how ppl get so ugly and detestable, gong to extreme lengths juz to catch a glimpse of their idol. i was like pushed so many times over and i heard ppl insulting rival fans, as well as dishing out unpleasant remarks bout them and e contestants themselves. aiyo... i dun understand why.

gotta thank chaoshun for accompanying me down in e sweltering heat, juz to stand behind me idling away while i ogle at Weijian. hahaa. i spent like close to 8 hrs wif him today, going to e event, eating Ichigo Bliss at Mos Burger, trying out e scores at Yamaha, and most of all, taking neoprints. we took 2 times coz e first one was tooooooo bright. i swear nv to take dat machine again.. haha. i shall pledge my commitment to COCOA. its e best one i've ever taken and i love it man! had so much fun posing away........ i was on a perpetual high the whole time. hahaa. anyway, when we alighted at our bus stop, chaoshun entertained me wif his newly-bought harmonica. man, he's got e talent. all he needs is practice and voila!!!! u can showcase it in halogen's jamming, baby!!!! and i realised dat e harmonica is more of a sad instrument. e sound of it juz reaches into ur soul and tugs at ur heartstrings, i duno why.

and i onli ate one meal today. hahaa. woke up too late to have breakfast. lunched at cineleisure foodcourt and supplemented it wif Ichigo Bliss and strawberry milkshake. den i din touch anything until it was dinnertime. i simply ate an onigiri from Yoshinoya coz i wanted to eat at home to save money, but when i came back, i din have e appetite so i juz ate e corokke and contended with dat. haha... super unhealthy! but tml, ma say we having steamboat for dinner... so i shall make up for dat by eating more tml.

hmm. i need to exercise badly. my fats are jiggling out.

butterflies whispered at
7/10/2005 01:28:00 AM

Saturday, July 09, 2005

how can weijian be out?? why kelly out???? why ruth and jason in????? WHY???!?!!!!

but e worst is still e exit of weijian.. so unfair. he can sing lor... =( i was like reali stunned when the screen showed weijian's face instead of jason's to determine e one who's gonna be out. my heart juz sank lor.. im sure alot of other ppl felt e same. eeeee yer. kelly oso liddat. but i felt dat xinhui shld be in and ruth shld be out. ~>_<~ i like xinhui... she's got style!! like maia liddat... whoo~

anyway, today i attended the councillor's investiture. was abit like last yr's la... but it was great all e same. this batch of councillors worked reali hard and reali put in their heart and soul for e sch. anybody who cant feel it, is probably blind, deaf or juz plain unappreciative. dey cried so badly today, could reali feel their sadness and reluctance. but i gotta leave halfway, right after dey were done wif e 24th student council, i quickly rushed down to Plaza Singapura to meet fidz n eve.

and e bus journey was a butt-numbing, ass-freezing, bladder-managing, vomit-inducing ride. it was a holy one hour long.. all e way from jurong to dhoby ghaut. and i sat thru it without even sleeping lor. haha. reached p.s juz in time to eat!! we had pizza hut.. student's lunch promotion. we ordered baked rice, hawaiian pizza and seafood lasagna to share. it's to celebrate EVE'S BRITHDAY on thurs! yea.. me n fidz got her the Oasis album dat she wanted... after dat, we walked around, took neoprints and fooled around wif eve's digicam in e neoprint machine. hehe. it was a blast. and during dat time, chaoshun msged me to say dat weijian was in town. juz one street down at topshop! OMG!!!!!!! i almost wanted to run all e way over der to see him. haha. dats juz crazy la. but oh well, elaine had e heart to take a pic of him and send it to me. sooooooooo cute lor! THANX SO MUCH, ELAINE! its my wallpaper now haha. but too bad i cant see him in real person...... so near yet so far lor.

but hey, tml im going down to p.s again to support him coz he's got this event la. and chaoshun even shoved his plans to accompany me there. yay, chaoshun rox! im so sorry to make u change plans... i promise to treat u lunch someday. DATS A DEAL OK? DUN YOU DARE TO REFUSE!! hopefully can see him up close. mebbe will be lucky enuff to get an autograph or something. aiyo... im going gaga over him la haha.

anyway, im so anxious over my results of e common test. onli Chinese is returned... e rest still dunno yet. argh. i could die waiting. oh ya. we had this video viewing during gp on religion and e world. found it quite interesting la... at least i made sense outta it. it all makes logical sense but once i got outta e lecture theatre and i tink bout it, i get so confused again. i do understand but i cant seem to find a direction amongst all these conflicting views and theologies. but its thought-provoking nonetheless. i dun understand why some ppl juz dun get e idea of these philosophies and concepts. not dat i wanna stereotype and be biased but i see this apathy most prevalent in e science students. dey were like either dozing off, or chatting among themselves or simply juz not paying attention. mebbe its coz dey dun get it.. i dunno.. but izzit dat hard to grasp such ideas so close to our hearts???

*yawns* wish me luck for tml. im going to slp oredi.

butterflies whispered at
7/09/2005 12:48:00 AM

Thursday, July 07, 2005

im in e sch comp lab now, supposedly doing my GP research but ah... i was too tempted wif e superfast connection here and e fact dat i ahben been updating my blog for bout 2 days.

im feeling hungry..

anyway, e visit to e priest worked. no more sleepless nights.. actuali i still am afraid of e sounds, but its as tho i've been blessed with a sort of power to overcome. everytime i hear something, e familar feeling of fear creeping over my senses will still be there but it won seize me easily coz i've somehow had this shield against it oredi. yay.. and for e first time in bout 2 weeks, i finally was able to dream of something...

but e problem in my family still aint solved yet. im not as upset as im angry over it. feel like screaming at e top of my lungs to let it all out. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

AND WEIJIAN IS SOOOOOOOO ADORABLE! man, e results are coming out tonight. im keeping my fingers crossed dat he won be booted out. he's so so so charming and so cute. im totally in love with him oredi... he's my SUPERSTAR!!!

yesterday night, i spent like close to 1 hr msging fan phang. he asked whether i was attached and all... den he kinda hinted dat he wanted to ask me to be with him after i told him dat im single. but somehow, its juz doesnt right la. we haben met for so many years, and both of us certainly has changed alot since we last met. i tink he likes me as e image of e primary 6 girl dat he's in love wif. but he doesnt noe how much i've changed in terms of mindset, mentality and values etc etc. personally, i tink he's not mature enuff in e aspect of relationships... so i dun tink we'll click at all. true la, i had this major crush on him before but dats like 7 years ago! he's not even e kind of guy i would fancy now... coz he's so different from me. but i'll give it time to let him noe me betta, since he asked so... i'll see how it goes den...

ah, lesson ended. time to go...

butterflies whispered at
7/07/2005 09:13:00 AM

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

yesterday i went to meet e 6.1 peeps after dey visited alvin. i wasnt allowed to go coz of my condition. guofeng, fan phang, lai kuan, yetfeng, junjing and chongkeat were der and we played pool at cineleisure. my virgin attempt... i malu-ated myself learning e basics, but ah well, dey were kind enuff to lemme cheat, and i got 2 balls in at e very least. how long has it been since i've last seen them? a yr ago i guess. i miss them so much.. guofeng and fan phang haben changed... still clowning around. i felt a lil weird upon seeing fan phang tho.. coz im vaguely aware of his affections for me. yea, after 6 years leh!!!!! but i no response la. dun feel anything for him in return tho i had this major crush on him in primary sch. i was behaving more consciously in his presence lor.. hope to go out wif em again someday, or even have a chalet as yetfeng suggested it!

oh, i din mention dat mama brought us out to bugis on sat for a shopping spree after praying at e temple. i got a blue tube for $9.90, a swirly-coloured spag top dats onli $19 instead of e usual $49 and maroon sweatpants for onli $13. and we ate alot of vegetarian goodies coz my aunt is a vegetarian and she recommended lotsa delicacies.

been slacking around for sometime. oops. nv even bother to check my bag for homework when i reach home...

why did god create men with their brains in their balls? like what dey say, their organs are probably the most impt part of their body coz without it, der's no offspring to speak of. i wouldnt even be here without e integration of a particular spermatoza wif an egg, i admit. but does it give males a right to let their lower part of e body rule over their rationality? on an individual basis, it doesnt affect me much but tinking of it on a large scale male population, its juz very mind-boggling and infuriating at how men can juz be controlled by their sexual impulses and not tink of e consequences after that. married husbands can have extramarital affairs even if they do have a loving family, ignorant teenagers injure themselves masturbating up to 20 times a day, boyfrens go skirt-chasing or visit prostitutes in Geylang, some go to the extent of raping any old auntie in e alley juz coz of e urge to satisfy their sexual desires. don't dey even stop to tink of the consequences beforehand?? im not a guy, i dunno how hard it is to quench dat hunger for sex. mebbe its precisely why i dun understand e whole rationale behind all these acts of stupidity and infidelity. no matter what it is, it won stand as an excuse for all those sins dey commit in e name of sex. sex is supposed to be a display of love, the apex of pleasure between lovers. be it premarital sex, one night stand(note: there's no S), or sex in a marriage, at least it complies with my definition. but going around on e pretext of sharing ur balls amongst a heap of women, IS JUZ NOT RIGHT! promiscuity, that is. why cant they juz keep it to themselves, or to just one partner? if e girls( albeit a few black sheep) can do it, why cant the guys follow suit? its plain injustice when hotheaded males give shitloads of excuses and apologies after committing such sins against the women. go fuck a kangkong if u have to.

butterflies whispered at
7/05/2005 09:38:00 PM

Sunday, July 03, 2005

sleepless nights. nv one night passed without all those illusions haunting me.

my mum cooked me herbs to make me sleep betta.
i went to the kuan yin temple and prayed.
my aunt bought an amber pendant dat has calming properties.
she taught me a mantra to ward off evil.

it still din work. last night, i tot i would be able to get over it but i couldnt. i was in my room initially, chanting e mantra over and over again whenever my mind succumbs to it. but i still kept trembling, still kept breaking out in cold sweat. den i went to my parent's room, tried to get some sleep but i ended up crying coz i felt so bloody useless.

dunno when we're gonna resolve this matter. its seriously affecting me... this week alone, i misplaced my hp 3 times, and my wallet once. thankfully i found them back. e longer it drags, e worse it'll get. today i discovered something again... and it is disturbingly hurting. cant bear to tink it...

mama took em to a priest this morning. he chanted some prayers, and blew a breath of air into one of my holy bracelets. i tink its supposed to gimme strength. i juz drank e water dissolved with e ashes of a talisman... im keeping my fingers crossed...

butterflies whispered at
7/03/2005 11:04:00 PM

Saturday, July 02, 2005

mama made me drink some awful chinese medicine dats supposed to make me sleep fitfully. i almost puked at e smell of it but thankfully it was quite tasteless. lets hope it takes effect coz if its gonna happen again, i'll juz scream e night away. i cant stand it anymore.

yesterday night was another nightmare. i tot i could sleep betta coz my sis was still up, e lights were still on and i might feel more secure dis way. but no. i rmb myself falling asleep oredi coz i was dead tired, i was oredi halfway into dreaming. u noe wen u dream, u'll tink of events, things and whatnot visually in ur mind's eye. suddenly, the dreaming stopped for no reason and my mind's eye blanked out completely. then e sensation of fear starts to grab me again. i oredi listened to elaine and put a talisman under my pillow but it still won work. i tried to go back to sleep after dat when i heard the same voice saying "oi" to me. juz one word as well. and i was so startled dat i juz let myself up into a sitting position. my sis noticed, and she asked me wat happened but i din tell her coz i din have e guts to tok bout it. i fell back into my sleeping position again and tried to block out e sounds, but i still couldnt sleep. mama came by and i cried out to her dat i couldnt sleep, and she immediately asked me to go her room. before dat, she made me offer incense to e altar to bless me wif a peaceful night, but it was no betta. i was still very sensitive to the sounds around me but mebbe i was reali reali tired out dat i eventually fell asleep.

every morning, i wake up in a very dazed state, not knowing what to do and how e day will go. but im pretending to be normal as always, going bout my routine as usual and going to sch after dat. mebbe ppl will see me behaving queerly in e morning but i'll try to get myself warmed up by not tinking of that problem and by joking around wif ppl to make me forget. i hope im behaving like myself then. elaine probably sensed dat i was faking it, and she asked if i was alright or not. she and chaoshun were quite worried for me. im sorry, guys. sorry to make u see me liddat. i'll be strong for ur sake ok? im trying, still trying...

going home would be a different story. i dunno wats with my brother's room but everytime i seem to enter it, i get a feeling of being repressed. even now, as i sit in front of the computer, my heart is clenched, my head is pressed against, my hands feel jellyish and weak. sometimes wen i go to e kitchen and i become alert to those sounds, i'll experience it as well. its juz dat i feel it more in his room... i dunno why...

tml got interhouse netball. got informed onli today. so i can onli go to the kuan yin temple later in e afternoon. hope dat she'll bless me. on my part, i'll hafta do wateva it takes to hang in there...

and i got absolutely no idea how to approach my brother bout it. i cannot garner e courage to broach e subject at all. coz everything is still so fragile. i dun wanna upset e delicate balance. for now, mebbe i'll even be contented wif how it is. but i'll noe it'll always weigh upon my heart like a stone. i feel so terrible.. terrible..

butterflies whispered at
7/02/2005 12:01:00 AM