`cynic's child`

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

happy teacher's day! love all my teachers to death...

i went back to css today. wah... i missed e sea of blue, in contrast to e sea of mud in jj. so many memories, so many things have changed and yet so many things stayed e same. i saw a few friends and i miss him alot. miss phoon say i fat liao( T_T) but she tried to lessen e blow by saying i look nicer this way. ok, i shall be a good student and believe her. stayed for e concert and missed e rowdiness of it all. i compare it to JJ's concert, and realised that JJ's paled in comparison in terms of spirit. most of the j2s were positively dead and gone... so much for enthusiasm. in CSS, there were constant whoops and yells to cheer (or to sabo ppl) regardless whether e performance was nice or not. everyone was spontaneous and participating in some way... i was sitting at e back with e teachers and they were laughing so much. so different from way e jj teachers responded to our own concert. mebbe we're all jaded and skeptical now that we have grown up, or we're juz too lazy to bother.

yay, i love my cookies and im glad ppl loved it too! ^.^

going to gym is good. it makes u feel good bout urself. somehow, after a workout, i feel instantly slimmer. it muz be some psychological factor coz it cant possibly be true. everytime i go home after gym, i'll look at e mirror when i bath and i'll nod wif approval. but mebbe after 3 days after dat, i'll start frowning again. haha... now i have one more dimple. it popped out of nowhere. i tink its coz of e fats on my cheeks... and it juz so happens that there's an indentation. YAY! haha. evelyn told me that my papa muz have a buttchin (coz i have one...) or else he's not my real father. but no leh... its my mama who has it. so how??!!

studying has juz become another routine. its slowly setting in. im probably on what mr ng claims as 'second wind'. its juz like running in a marathon... e initial journey is bound to be tough but once u adapt to the climate and conditions, ur body will become more comfortable and u can cruise on from there. im comfortable wif my pace of studying la... dunno bout e cruising part tho. haha. i see others sticking on their feathers and preparing to soar, whereas im still choosing my feathers. i feel as if im studying alot but learning nutting leh. EH HOW!!! haha.

heard some creepy stuff bout jjc lecture theatres. now im very very very freaked out.

butterflies whispered at
8/31/2005 11:16:00 PM

Sunday, August 28, 2005

yea! GRAD NITE is gonna be held at Suntec this year! whoohoo... thank goodness for e synthetic field. this is e onli time im grateful for e lao ya field we have in good old JJC. its been bald in some parts, and with our constant feeding of flour and soap, it has officially withered off and died. therefore, the need for a new field, yippee! so in preparation for that, i shall be dieting very consciously from now on and diligently keeping to my exercise regime. its barely the A levels yet, and im oredi tinking of post-As activities. hahaha.. BUT I DUN CARE~ i shall then treat it as an incentive to work reali hard so that i can go partayyyyyyyy after that~

being single can be quite worrisome. i find that im looking out for guys too easily. haha. coz recently, i've been taking note of this guy in sch. i knew him by name since last year la... worked together a few times for some sch programmes but until till a few weeks ago, i started to notice him more. and his presence is somehow, dunno whether by my own hallucination, multiplied as in, he seems to be appearing everywhere i go la. scary... haha. no la, juz find him cute. ^.^juz like how i find alot of my other eye candies cute as well. ladeeda.

fir is single now. and eve says we are being scandalous. NO LOR! i can't help it if e guys i noe love to come to me right after a breakup. but okay la, we do tok on e phone till e wee hours, we do tease each other, we do go out wif each other. cannot meh? scandalous meh???!!!

had GP mock prelim yesterday. i barely pulled thru la.. coz e paper was quite hard. for paper 1 alone, i got stuck a few times... i was hoping to do something on advertising since i wrote quite a good one for my TCA(30/50) but e 2 that came out on this topic juz din seem appealing to me... in e end, i settled for Religion coz e question requirement was relatively easy. it was more of a obligatory choice coz i couldn plan properly for e questions i chose, so in my panic, i juz grabbed whichever question seemed e easiest to me. so im banking on my language lor... coz i wrote it quite literarily... hopefully hopefully i can garner a decent mark for it. paper 2 was not very smooth-going as well. i din even finish my AQ tho i wrote quite substantially... but e first part was more like throwing in snippets of Econs knowledge i have. what! demand for imports, employment, national income... omg, i've been poisoned by Econs liao... anyway, im praying that my comprehension can salvage me from my damnation.

tml going to study at eve's house, then gonna meet up wif deniece to do up e teacher's day gift. currently trawling for ideas and facing a Welfare Fund deficit. shall come up wif something nice and meaningful for our beloved Mrs Razal. reali.. i cant find another teacher betta than her. she's dedicated, motivating and always very positive. tho she may have high expectations of us and it may be tough working under her constant pushing, i am aware she has good intentions and i reali love her for this. she's like the epitome of an ideal woman; i juz totally respect her for that. she's got a family yet she manages her time so well (i.e returning us assignments asap unlike some of her fellow counterparts), she's not young anymore but she'll pass off as anyone of us with her wild yet sensible personality plus e fact that she's so knowledgable and sensitive. whoooooooooooooooo. I LOVE YOU MRS RAZAL!!! not forgetting Mr Tan too! he's reali dedicated as well... and i reali admire him for his commitment to e students. doesnt hurt that he's such an amusing character who has e most witty repartees and cutest body language ever. im so blessed to have them as tutors... ^.^

anyone wans cookies? im gonna bake 'ai xin' cookies for my dear teachers... so i shall grant any willing victims to experiment my creations. i shall not be held liable for any cause of injury or fatality tho.

butterflies whispered at
8/28/2005 12:46:00 AM

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

im quite sure that i need sleeping pills. its no longer e noises. i dun need to hear sounds to feel scared anymore. coz i get scared FOR NO APPARENT REASON. one night, i tried to sleep with the radio and the lights on. nothing scary, din hear anything fishy but still, the heart seizures came. after trying to bear it down for half an hour, i couldnt take it anymore and went to my parents' bedroom. and i still couldnt sleep. even with the presence of both my parents. i still shivered in cold sweat. i swore that my blood pressure shot up multifold... i desperately thought of good and nice things to wipe out e fear, but everytime i was about to slip into a peaceful slumber, my good thoughts would be erased and replaced with e acute consciousness and fear. either i go to a shrink, or i take sleeping pills. simple as that. since it has nutting to do with spirits watsoever, there's no reason for me to go for divine help aye? dun wanna dabble in so much of spiritual stuff... to some extent, it scares me. i onli go when i reali feel the need to go. if not, i stay away. i dun like e way e gods stare at me. the Kuanyin temple is fine, coz the gods are benevolent. deities, on e other hand, are aggressive and they always always always are painted with piercing eyes set in a fierce look, which is meant to scare off spirits la i guess. but it scared me off too.

evelyn says me and fir still act like a couple. hmm.. i dunno la. its juz an unconscious response on my part to behave however i was behaving la. i oso dunno how to qualify my feelings anymore... whether i still feel for him or what. heck ah. if it comes, it comes. if it happens, it happens. i'll juz be passive bout it and let nature take its course lor. so yea, juz wait and see ba. anyway, i dun deny that toking to him is reali great, being with him is reali fun coz i feel that he's one person whom i feel truly noes me, understands e way i work and such. i guess its e level of interpersonal engagement we had with each other during the 2 and a half years we were together lor... i feel no need to disguise when im with him. im at my most vulnerable when i tok to him, and he understands. this feeling aint mutual wif any other person on Earth. and yes, i do miss e times we shared. still, it doesnt mean im hoping for anything to happen.

haha. im losing weight as quickly as im gaining weight. as long as i stop exercising, e fats will pile on. and as soon as i start, they instantly emulsify. hehehe, so e morale of e story is not to stop exercising. yep... i've been doing sports all my life, so my body starts to wreak havoc once i halt the routine. logical eh? every wed go gym, then do own exercises every weekend.

im downloading every nice song i tink i can sing in preparation for Campus Superstar. hahaha... actuali not reali la. i was tempted to do so ever since my vocals opened up. now im itching for a karaoke session, but NO! no time to do dat... muz spend every waking minute mugging liao. and i crave to dance as well... after watching Masters of Dance on sunday, when i watched fir and other hiphop dance flaunt their stuff at J.E library. wah... damn cool. and now it has aroused my dormant dancing spirit. ahhhhhhhhhh.... lemme dance lemme dance.........

have decided to stay in sch till 7pm every weekday to revise and go out wif evelyn every weekend to revise as well. HAHAHA! I HAVE NO LIFE SIA!!!!! well, thats e way it has to be until e prelims are over. den i'll take a short break before starting to mug again. die die muz do well for prelims... if not, i'll be too demoralised to do anything liao...

a notice was sent to my home today. it was titled CRIME PREVENTION ADVISORY - OUTRAGE OF MODESTY. mmm.. der's a pervert/sex maniac/molester lurking around my neighbourhood. scary... so i should not stay out late anymore. no joking matter... i was traumatised before, so im being extra cautious now. shall equip myself wif a whistle and 'artillery' from now on...

for goodness sake, chaoshun... there's nutting between me and yingpeng. and yingpeng, there's nutting between me and andrew or chaoshun. and andrew, there's nutting between me and chaoshun. i seriously dun understand why u guys wanna portray me as much-sought-after. haha. im onli loyal to weijian ok?????

butterflies whispered at
8/23/2005 10:51:00 PM

Saturday, August 20, 2005

channel u is coming up with a spin-off of Project Superstar specially for sec sch and jc students! haha. me and sis prolly gonna join... juz for e fun of it la. auditions in sept... so close to prelims. hopefully it doesnt clash with anything impt.

yay, weilian is in!!!!!!!!!!! yahooooooo... but xinhui out le =(

its getting more stressful by e day. mrs razal got kinda hard on us yesterday and i felt quite demoralised by her words. deniece, elaine and a few others got kinda affected as well. and im afraid dat der's still more to come... prelims are looming and teachers are rushing us like bullet trains. e days seem to be getting shorter yet e amount of work we hafta do seems to be getting more n more. i was close to snapping at one point, but it wouldnt be appropriate to break down at this point of time... there was too much at stake. so i told elaine, that we'll hafta watch out for each other and encourage each other. same to all my frenz out there, u guys muz hang on! we're in it together, so ALL THE BEST!!!!

yesterday went to town wif fir. hahaha, he oso fat liao... i mean, put on weight la, not reali fat. den he oso laughed at me... sama sama la. it felt good being with him but there was no feelings involved i guess... its juz a level of comfort we have since e past times. he's still lame as ever... and he's so dismissive at my attempts at being likewise, coz he's e ultimate KING. he let me choose e pants he wanted to buy, but most of what i picked, he dint like. haha too bad... den went to eat Pastamania. wah.... e baked rice very very nice.. but they cooked until abit chaota. nevertheless, its still superduper yummy!

yay, i got tix for the grand finals!!!! juz saw it on Weijian's forum!!!!!!!!! yeap!!!!!! most probably la.... yipee!!!!!!! grand event sia...

butterflies whispered at
8/20/2005 10:10:00 PM

Thursday, August 18, 2005

C and E have another misunderstanding again. i tink this time, it will be e last. i dunno if it's for e betta of em; i certainly hope so. mayhap both of em have taken away something good from e friendship they shared and oso learnt their lessons on how to be a fren. i hope at least, i tried to make things clearer between u guys. all e best to u both... and i love u two.

yay. good news. prom's gonna be at suntec. mmm, i cant wait to finish my exams... 80 days to go...

e last thing i needed was to find out that my yellow Chinese textbook went missing as well. i tink my notebook, Econs notes and text went missing altogether. unless im reali suffering from senile dementia... to e point dat i keep forgetting to take things and worse, forgetting where and when i last placed them. its indeed very worrying...

went to e gym wif deniece, rach and chaoshun. din reali have much of a workout... juz an introductory session and some trials of e machines. i felt like a clown coz i was new there and there were so many ppl around. e instructor kept laughing at me because i looked too extra-ly happy. i almost fainted when the weighing machine stated that i was 53kg. IMPOSSIBLE LA! thank goodness deniece's weight was wrong too...

shit la. e beach shorts i bought juz last month, either shrunk or its because my bottom is ever expanding. i prefer to tink its e former.

Project Superstar was a huge disappointment. i was watching wif deniece at her house and we juz felt so outraged at how it was going. tml, im gonna CHANG PIAN DA LUN bout it in sch wif yingpeng and elaine. so ridiculous and biased lor... cant believe it. e integrity of singing is totally GONE WITH THE WIND. onli HEAVEN KNOWS sia. but anyhow, weilian is oredi a winner in my heart... to hell with e competition. now im pinning my hopes on Xinhui...

i gonna be alright. i will be. because i have to. thank u all who showed me concern. u know who u are. -bows-

butterflies whispered at
8/18/2005 03:01:00 AM

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

i hope someone takes a gun and blows me into pieces.

alright, sorry. that may be a lil insensitive in this age of daily bombings and K-mart access to shooting sprees.

wateva it is, my life is screwed. too many bad things are happening at too short a time. im tired of trying to maintain e objectivity. i dun wanna be the mature one, e responsible one anymore. i wish i could juz throw my hands up and act like a spoilt brat, crying whenever i cant find a solution or raving when i dun get what i want. without my elder bro, its me in charge. everything's bearing upon me and e worst thing is, i cant breakdown. i cant divulge e secret. every single day, i come home to a whole load of clothes to iron, to hang out, to fold/dishes to wash/a playful brother/an irresponsible sister and piles of homework + revision to finish. the stress is beginning to take its toll. i onli reach home at 6 everyday, and i have that much to clear. even so, i couldnt sleep at night. e stress and fear has manifested itself into isomnia and paranoia.

i realised dat my Production and Cost Theory notes were missing, and despite searching for it a hundred times over, it refused to turn up. i dunno what came over me, but i started to rant at e empty room, demanding that whoever or whatever took my stuff to return it to me. at dat moment, i knew i oredi lost my wits and control. e buildup had culminated to such an extent that it onli took such a trivial matter to trigger this outburst. i felt helpless, angered and reali afraid dat i was going insane. later on dat night, i couldnt sleep again and i juz cried into e darkness. consumed by e paranoia dat was starting to surface after i tried so long to bury, i went to my parents' bedroom in tears. i wouldnt wanna go if i could help it coz i dun like to worry my mama. in e end, i caused her to change e aircon filters coz e noise was frightening to me, to come n sleep wif me in my room, to accompany me. i noe dat its uncalled for, but i felt bloody useless and unfilial.

i told yingpeng and andrew bout e secret after much reluctance. my reins went loose, right there in sch, when i couldnt find my notebook n notes. i was there in LT5 with chaoshun and i 'ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhed' and 'arggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' till he almost freaked out. mebbe i reali acted like a nutcase. i dunno. i juz had to unleash e anguish inside somehow.

everything bout me has gone wrong. im having memory lapses again. im hyper for no reason. i cant sleep. im not sane. i have fallen apart.

butterflies whispered at
8/17/2005 11:33:00 PM

Saturday, August 13, 2005

eve decided to have another craving and this time its durians. so early morning, fidz, eve and i trudged down to Chinatown and ate a total of 4 durians. we stank of durian breath e whole day lor... did a lil gift shopping. e stuffs were sooooo delectable, all oriental and dainty. i fell in love wif e silk evening pouches but i oredi exhausted my spending capacity, so i din buy it... after dat we went to harbourfront to walk round e new addition to e shopping mall. not much diff la... took lotsa spastic photos at Mac. haha...

supposed to meet firdaus to pass him his birthday cookies. but eve and fidz decided to eat up a whole load of it and e jar was left wif onli 3/4. i tot it clearly din look presentable as a present so i din meet him lor. anyway, e cookies tasted great! and some of it, supposedly underbaked, became brownie cookies! coz its very chewy... yum yum. eve says dey look more like chips than cookies coz dey're all flat instead of e usual Famous Amos lookalikes.

i still got no idea how to face e problem in my family. im behaving in a less tolerant way of wats happening behind our backs more so than before. i used to conceal it and gloss it over wif cheeriness but i no longer have e heart to carry on. e masquerade is too draining.

im seriously behaving outta sorts. mebbe ppl dun notice it but i sense it myself. even when i tok, i dun care to elaborate both, so mebbe dats y i juz agree with whomever im discussing with juz so i can end it and get back to my enclosure. there's alot of things i used to do but now langour juz takes away e initiative. whateva passion and enthusiasm i have have been dulled by lassitude of e situation. and nowadays, i keep sleeping. despite having enuff sleep, i still feel very dreary in sch, esp. after meals. like a pig day in day out. e adrenaline rush in preparation for e exams is gone too. =(

looks like im in for some deep shit.

butterflies whispered at
8/13/2005 11:23:00 PM

i dunno wer to start.

i feel disoriented. im unsure of alot of things...

im starting to dissent from my revision plan, thanx to e national day break. no goooooooooooood. nooooooooooooooo good. im bout 3 days delayed from e original schedule, and its like another 31 days to prelims. time to get back on track...

im facing this huge crisis that is entirely unnecessary. i dunno how to explain it but it bothers me like hell. mebbe i question and ponder too much. mebbe i give in too much. mebbe im too sensitive.

i feel myself constantly putting myself in other ppl's shoes and reflecting on what i had reacted to whatever was said by anybody or how i behaved, den i get very paranoid and fearful of e impression dey may wrongly incur from an unintended portrayal of reaction on my part. its hard to put in words. i juz feel quite insecure these days. feel like im being targeted by ppl. its a very intangible feeling but my intuition detects it very significantly. could jolly well be e stress catching up wif me. i have no idea too..

i dunno... if i shld be giving in to aggressiveness. most of e time, i relent coz i dun wan a discussion or topic to go on and on but e other party would take his/her stand as guaranteed. as a result, i feel suppressed coz i couldnt get my point across. i might have if i tried harder but i din wanna strain relationships. sometimes, its that tender when it comes to certain ppl, and i fully understand that it wouldnt be appropriate to clash head-on. on one hand, it doesnt help e other party coz he/she may be in e wrong and i din try hard enuff to rectify e problem. but on e other, i couldnt reali be sure of what's right n wrong. in fact sometimes, even tho i know my facts well and am 100% sure that im correct, i feel threatened enuff not to substaniate myself.

weijian got eliminated. im sad =( haha. but i shall support sin huey still, despite having declared to boycott e show if weijian is kicked out.

ppl dun noe me well enuff. i did my best scrolling thru my mental list of friends yesterday night, and i realised there's not reali one i actuali share a deep sense of chemistry and telepathy with. im good friends with everybody coz im amiable enuff, but i dunno who i can call my BEST friend legitimately. by right, a best friend should know me well enuff, my character, my mentality to e extent of predicting my responses. u may tink its too high an expectation for a best friend, but its not. its e same with love. u say 'i love you' very casually to ppl that u wanna proclaim a treasureship and liking for, to friends, to family and even very mere acquaintances, when love actuali embodies something alot deeper than juz affection, adoration. so "best" friend gets used too frequently as well, even when it actuali doesnt reali fit into e exact criteria of 'best'. but anyway... i juz feel quite helpless la. its not anyone's fault but mine that im having such a crisis coz its me, myself and i who's perpetrating it by not sharing my private problems and musings. not brooding over it but juz cant help lamenting.

got lots to write. but im beat. i dun tink im writing coherently coz e tears are swirling in my brain instead of my eyeballs. im crying mentally. i feel my inner self crying out but my outer self is there typing away wif a stoic face and emotionless expression. by e way..... e sleepless nights are back... dunno whether due to 7th month or this problem... =(

butterflies whispered at
8/13/2005 02:22:00 AM

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

its been a very relaxed week because its Singapore's 40th birthday. and we had a super long weekend... haha. all my revision plans were foiled. but i managed to salvage it today, right on e birthday itself! went to evelyn's club and mugged for a few good hours on Econs.

well, yesterday was spent celebrating in school. we had our annual sports carnival and whoa, i loved it! coz i participated in Tug-of-war for e first time in my life! haha. because of my size, i had never been picked to be one of e players, nor have i volunteered myself coz i know my limitations. but nevertheless, i wanted to give it a shot. actuali i was supposed to be running fartlek, but i complained coz i din sign up for dat event. thanks to the ever-wonderful Gabriel, i got my wish! and so did Elaine and Rachel. we lost our first match to Bikila(who had all e 'dua jiat') but we won against Owens! we lost to them in e first half but we persisted in e second and turned e tables around. it was a great experience but a very strenous one. i could feel myself being tugged from one side to another, and at one point, i almost flew frontwards due to e force. now im suffering from rope burn and very serious muscle aches. after dat, Rono shone in e fartlek event, coz we got 2nd for e girls' race and champions for the guys! woooot!

indulged in a delicious thank-you lunch for the SLOs. after seeing e video they played, i kinda missed my Pre-U Seminar days... it was nutting short of a miracle that 20 ppl could come together within 5 short days and shared some much with one another. but it dissipated as quickly as it was formed.... not even one plan for a Group 13 outing materialised! haha.

around evening, i met up with Yingpeng, Andrew and Elaine to go watch e fireworks at Esplanade. because i knew im gonna look weird standing next to all these tall ppl, i chose to wear platforms but how was i to know that, on e way to the interchange, both soles split into half and i had to totter awkwardly to Speedy Rhino juz to buy a new pair of shoes. wasted... if that wasn't interesting enuff, a Prudential salesman approached me juz before i stepped into the MRT station and tried to sell me insurance. here's a snippet of the most amusing conversation i've ever had:

Him: "I presume you are a student studying nearby?"
Me: "Ya."
Him: "Oh alright. Let me guess... NTU?"
Me(bewildered): "Er, no."
Him: "NUS?"
Me(more bewildered):"No..."
Him: "Oh, it muz be SMU then?"
Me: "Erm, no.............."
Him: "Haha, then which are you studying then?"
Me: "JJC...."
Him: "OH! I thought you dressed quite maturely and I mistook you for a University student or something... -blah blah blah-"

wat more can be more laughable than mistaking me for being older than what i actuali am, when most of the time ppl tink me to be a secondary sch student?? haha.

anyway, we found a spot outside marina square with a perfect view of the Esplanade and waited for the fireworks to start, which was supposedly 8pm. but as we waited and predicted and waited summo, it juz din happen. by den, we were oredi crying away from hunger coz we wanted to catch it first b4 heading for dinner. den andrew called his fren and realised that it will onli start at 11pm. so we went to eat dinner before coming back again at e exact same spot, and sang songs to pass time. one thing i love bout hanging with them is that i get to sing! haha... coz usually i'm too shy to sing in front of others, except for evelyn la but even den, i dun sing properly. YP, Elaine, Chaoshun and Andrew have definitely influenced me a great deal.. 11pm came and went and still no sight of fireworks. yingpeng have oredi start 'kunning', and e rest of us were a bit outta our minds, presumably too crazed from waiting so long. haha. we decided to wait till 12 and true enuff, we heard e first bursts of e explosives and we juz took to our heels, heading for e direction where e sounds came from.

and i tell u, those hours of waiting were truly worth it. e display was soooooo BEAUTIFUL and magnificent. it lasted for bout 10 mins, and ppl milling around were juz rooted to e ground and beholding e sight above us. very cooool! and dat marked e 40th birthday of Singapore! haha. after dat, Elaine's father kindly offered to fetch us home. u shld have seen how cramped e car become after Andrew and Yingpeng got into e car coz their legs were so long... anyway, i was so tired that i 'borrowed' Andrew's shoulders to sleep on. den Yingpeng almost fell on the other side of his shoulders as well coz he oso 'kunning' oredi.. very funny. reached home at around 1+ and juz dropped dead on e bed...

so 'chickened'. coz evelyn made me eat McNuggets, and chicken chop today coz she had a craving for chicken so i was forced to eat with her too. and it was chicken wings for dinner. wah... chicken overload...

butterflies whispered at
8/09/2005 11:31:00 PM

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

seems like eons ago e last time i blogged. been trying to dig time to come online but alas, i couldnt afford dat luxury until today.

sunday was spent hollering at e 3rd level of IMM for who else but Weijian? but dat was quite an unpleasant experience la. lotsa pushing and squeezing till those in front(including me) were almost squashed to e point of suffocating. its THAT bad. and im surprised dat e fans were not e ones pushing, but the AUNTIES who come and "cou re nao". and there goes our parents nagging us for doing such foolish chasing after ppl who dun even noe us.

well, after dat, i had this public ruckus with my sis quarreling over some toopid matter which im too lazy to elaborate. but i do agree its partly my fault for losing my temper. i was oredi pissed off at e situation during e Superstar event, den my sis provoked me wif her stubborn attitude and i juz lost it all, in e middle of e street wif ppl whizzing past and cars zooming beside. so DRAMA! all these to emphasize once again that i have no capacity for tolerating ppl who refuse to admit to their mistakes. it juz takes a simple sorry to appease e situation but unfortunately, dats e last thing on her mind. so i blew it. now u guys noe how not to trigger my boiling point.

chatted wif fir bout 2am dat night. apparently, their relationship looks reali shaky now and he is oredi giving up. dun tink it'll be long to go before they go their separate ways ba. sigh. another failed relationship. we discussed bout domestic partnerships lor... coz now both of us are afraid of commitment. our breakup resulted from e issue of commitment and now dat he's experiencing yet another blow, its kinda like "bitten twice, thrice shy" liao. seriously speaking, i wouldnt be surprised if both of us were to go into a no-strings-attached kinda engagement lor. might sound scandalous to some ppl out there, but i guess its something dat can onli be understood by ppl who have gone thru e pains of a failed relationship and suffered for it, therefore turning to alternatives. dat way, there wont be so many restrictions to spark off petty arguments and meanwhile, we could still maintain our present social circle without having to devote so much time to juz one person alone. and the feelings involve wont be so deep. come to tink of it, it might be betta since im going to the University next yr and im bound to meet new ppl who i might find more compatible with. besides, there's no saying if this domestic partnership might still develop into a proper relationship. after all, no matter how long i've been over him, u'll have a thing for ur past love. its juz der niggling at u whenever u tok to him. BUT still. its juz a casual discussion. im juz expounding a lil more on it here to make a point that formal relationships may not be e onli option in e arena of love and feelings.

speaking of relationships. to me, platonic friendships can never develop into BGRs. i juz feel more comfortable being a close buddy rather than e gf coz both of us would have known each other too well to become lovers. in fact, it kills all impulse to fall in love coz there's no element of discovery, mystery and surprises anymore. e reason why i developed this acquaintance into a deep, proximate platonic friendship and not a BGR in e first place, is because i oredi have no reason to venture into e latter option. there's no mutual chemistry, no sparks; juz a very comfortable level of confidentiality and connectivity between us. so boliao Andrew and kuku Yingpeng betta stop teasing me and Chaoshun eh? if not, we'll gang up and whack e lot of u. =p

feeling veri stressed up these days. recently, i couldnt find my BOP notes and i totally freaked out. i spent 2 hours searching for it in e same places over and over again though i oredi know dats it futile but the subconcious paranoia juz grabbed hold of me. i got so frustrated dat i almost cried over such a silly matter. thank goodness i had it photocopied from dearie Elaine. but e aftermath still lingered... i lost my appetite and couldnt absorb a damn thing from e lessons. i was mostly juz staring blankly at e notes, trying to make sense outta e words and struggling to figure out e answers but e mental block couldnt be removed.

KONG BLA BLA!

still adamant to my revision plan but mr tan pointed out that my strategy was probably flawed coz i started from e first topic in J2 and planned to carry it on till the last topic in J2. he said there wont be enuff time. so muz re-format e econs part. suddenly i feel like my whole revision plan was a flop.. coz there's so much to study and so lil time. i keep tinking of e number of days left to e prelims and i start panicking oredi. i feel as if i dunno alot of stuff. soooooooooooo demoralised now. =(

butterflies whispered at
8/03/2005 12:46:00 PM