Saturday, August 13, 2005
i dunno wer to start.
i feel disoriented. im unsure of alot of things...
im starting to dissent from my revision plan, thanx to e national day break. no goooooooooooood. nooooooooooooooo good. im bout 3 days delayed from e original schedule, and its like another 31 days to prelims. time to get back on track...
im facing this huge crisis that is entirely unnecessary. i dunno how to explain it but it bothers me like hell. mebbe i question and ponder too much. mebbe i give in too much. mebbe im too sensitive.
i feel myself constantly putting myself in other ppl's shoes and reflecting on what i had reacted to whatever was said by anybody or how i behaved, den i get very paranoid and fearful of e impression dey may wrongly incur from an unintended portrayal of reaction on my part. its hard to put in words. i juz feel quite insecure these days. feel like im being targeted by ppl. its a very intangible feeling but my intuition detects it very significantly. could jolly well be e stress catching up wif me. i have no idea too..
i dunno... if i shld be giving in to aggressiveness. most of e time, i relent coz i dun wan a discussion or topic to go on and on but e other party would take his/her stand as guaranteed. as a result, i feel suppressed coz i couldnt get my point across. i might have if i tried harder but i din wanna strain relationships. sometimes, its that tender when it comes to certain ppl, and i fully understand that it wouldnt be appropriate to clash head-on. on one hand, it doesnt help e other party coz he/she may be in e wrong and i din try hard enuff to rectify e problem. but on e other, i couldnt reali be sure of what's right n wrong. in fact sometimes, even tho i know my facts well and am 100% sure that im correct, i feel threatened enuff not to substaniate myself.
weijian got eliminated. im sad =( haha. but i shall support sin huey still, despite having declared to boycott e show if weijian is kicked out.
ppl dun noe me well enuff. i did my best scrolling thru my mental list of friends yesterday night, and i realised there's not reali one i actuali share a deep sense of chemistry and telepathy with. im good friends with everybody coz im amiable enuff, but i dunno who i can call my BEST friend legitimately. by right, a best friend should know me well enuff, my character, my mentality to e extent of predicting my responses. u may tink its too high an expectation for a best friend, but its not. its e same with love. u say 'i love you' very casually to ppl that u wanna proclaim a treasureship and liking for, to friends, to family and even very mere acquaintances, when love actuali embodies something alot deeper than juz affection, adoration. so "best" friend gets used too frequently as well, even when it actuali doesnt reali fit into e exact criteria of 'best'. but anyway... i juz feel quite helpless la. its not anyone's fault but mine that im having such a crisis coz its me, myself and i who's perpetrating it by not sharing my private problems and musings. not brooding over it but juz cant help lamenting.
got lots to write. but im beat. i dun tink im writing coherently coz e tears are swirling in my brain instead of my eyeballs. im crying mentally. i feel my inner self crying out but my outer self is there typing away wif a stoic face and emotionless expression. by e way.....
e sleepless nights are back... dunno whether due to 7th month or this problem... =(
butterflies whispered at
8/13/2005 02:22:00 AM
