`cynic's child`

Saturday, October 29, 2005

first paper two days away. i saw e seating plan in e concourse two days ago and i freaked out, jumped out of my skin, had a heart attack, sucked in two litres of air into my lungs within the span of 2 seconds.

and reality hit me hard.

tho im certain i've studied more than enuff scope to cover the minimal requirements of e paper, i still feel ill-prepared. mentally, im reeling from the shock of my impending doom. physically, im still suffering from woozy spells and gastric problems.

i broke down inwardly a couple of times these past few days. forgive me if i ever seem to be zoning out and thus ignoring u as a result. i've been stoning more frequently these one week than i did in these past 2 years (ok la, mebbe not...). there was one particular night that i was studying in e cafe. i sat alone at a round table while elaine and pompom sat at another table. then i juz disintegrated... like a wad of boiled tissue paper. my consciousness juz fell apart. i can almost describe the panic that overwhelmed me then; as Panic rats that scuttled out of nowhere and started to run helter-skelter all over my sanity, gnawing away at the fibres of self-motivation and rationality. i crumbled, lost it amidst a swirl of chinese characters, swept everything from e desk into my bag and fled from the cafe to regain self-control. i wanted to cry to make myself feel betta, but e tears won come no matter how hard i will it. how frustrating when it comes when u least wan it to come, and it doesnt when u're dying for it to.

i noe how u feel too. mebbe u're juz as hapless. mebbe u're a lil more prepared. mebbe u can't be bothered. i dunno. but bear in mind, everything will pass soon. even tho i seem to be losing it, i believe strongly enuff that my confidence will restore itself when e time comes. i believe in you too. believe in yourself. i might not be there to see you thru, but juz be sure that we're in this together so we gotta hang on together and cross e gallows.

butterflies whispered at
10/29/2005 12:52:00 AM

i agree wif eve. e human race should juz die out. i have this perverse longing that e bird flu will become an epidemic and juz wipe out e whole world coz im reali sick of Man's selfishness, greed, materialism. we tink we're so smart and entitled to exploit this small little world we have, killing each other in e process of it and causing unforeseen consequences that they'll onli live to regret when they reap what they sow. all e inventions that we term as "ingenius" are actuali time-bombs. the mere creation of a lightbulb has fuelled e extensive mining of minerals for energy, e excessive pollution generated by burning coal that eventually caused lousy air, asthma, acid rain blah blah blah. i read enough Utopian fiction to see how real our circumstances are and how realisable that those depicted nightmares have become in recent times. mebbe im taking it a lil too far but i feel reali disillusioned and sardonic to say anything good bout this world.

"we're allotted a little space on earth and that we survive in that very wilderness that can take back what it has given us, as easily as blowing its breath on us or sending the sea to tell us we're not so big." -Ray Bradbury

im not surprised at the natural disasters that have been wrecking our world apart. i believe there is a reason why it is coming in bigger scales, killing more and more ppl each time it happens. even God must be feeling hopeless about Mankind already.

butterflies whispered at
10/29/2005 12:01:00 AM

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

e journey doesnt seem so smooth-sailing after all. monday's e paper and im still struggling wif my chinese. im in e sch library now, taking a break from everything.

and i juz cried in sch. in front of all of them. how unglam. but anyway, it helped to relieve everything dats cooped up inside la. feeling much betta now. and not to mention e wonderful bunch of friends i have wif me to comfort me when i broke down. elaine, pompom, nana, carmen, yingpeng. thank you so much, all of u. i dunno wat i'll do without u guys.

i shld stop tinking so much. as in seriously, stop wondering so much. its very detrimental to ur health. VERY. all e dizzy spells, lightheadedness, languidity... argh. another 6 days... by right i shld be in tip-top condition and sit for my paper in e pink of health. won wanna jeopardise my hard work because of such matters... it'll hafta wait then. i gonna confront it and solve it once and for all when everything's over.

nutting will defeat formidable lil applie...

butterflies whispered at
10/25/2005 03:07:00 PM

Sunday, October 23, 2005

chicken little is soooooooo cute! i caught e Chicken Little movie trailer on eve's blog and e dance was simply simply simply toooooooooooooooo cute! however, when it opens its mouth, i get so turned off coz its a rough, gruff adult voice that totally doesnt suit e 'cute' image. eeeeeeeeeee. can't they have a cuter voice-over or something?

i have finally gotten back to e roots of HTML. i used to be so good at it that i designed my very own Neoshop when Neopets was still hot. but after i stopped playing, i stopped using HTML altogether which goes to explain why my blog was pristinely undesigned for like... 10 months?

studied wif eve at mac today, all e way from 9am to 8.30pm. and yea, i woke up on time thanx to eve's wake-up call. she shld be my alarm clock from now on coz my hp alarm seems pretty useless when im in such a pig-like slumber. lately, i've been sleeping so deeply that i cant hear e irritating alarm even at full blast and i'll always wake up to find it snoozing away already. even if e house is burning, i dun tink i'll wake up too. managed to finish one chapter for chinese and go over some Econs essay. doesnt seem like much progress but ah... i guess thats how much i can go. im already half dead by e time i walked outta mac after 10+ hours.

i so totally hate irresponsible ppl. and i even hate ppl more when they castigate e blame on me when i wasnt e one irresponsible. there is more than meets e eye; dun go taking taking everything at face value. it is damn shitty to be wronged. and i abhor everyone when they believe the wrongdoer instead of me juz coz she sheds tears and i din. damn shitty, i tell u. DAMN SHITTY!

actuali im close to screaming e house down. but i shall be a sensible girl and not go to such drastic extents due to a trivial matter even tho im boiling with anger inside. and i cant believe im crying over some toopid comment that UNREASONABLE ppl make. i dun care if i sound childish and petty and sarcastic and blah. ITS JUZ PLAIN SHITTY AT THIS MOMENT THAT IM FEELING NOW.

butterflies whispered at
10/23/2005 12:07:00 AM

Saturday, October 22, 2005

ding dong bell, pussy in the well. today is friday, which means 8 more days to e start of A levels.

*tears hair, make horrified face, steam coming out from ears*

ok, e font was irritatingly small but i tink i'll change it once i have e time. actuali i do now, but im feeling tired and unwell. been having dizzy spells for e couple of days oredi. whichever evil person cursed me, pls lift dat e spell from me pls. its giving me a terrible time grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

my hair is getting thick again. i gotta trim it soon, before it becomes a mop. anyway, chaoshun... i guess u haben known me well enuff to be a person who doesnt practise what she preaches. haha. im serious! well back to e subject of exams. sigh. i know i've been trashing bout giving up and all dat, but i guess its in a fit of frustration and anger. i wont give up la... too much is at stake. even if i hafta work till i die, i'll do it. its juz e fear and pressure that is mounting up each day, as it presses even closer to the first paper. i duno wats making me so worn out and panicky, but I AM. argh.

anyway, a piece of good news. i went to POPULAR to restock my stationary supplies. actuali, i wanted to include a penknife in my shopping list but i guess i shld outgrow that stage oredi. no more escapism for me. im a sensible girl now. turning 18 soon. i saw a delectable pink penknife and i stood staring at it for a full 2 mins while e demons wreaked havoc in me, but well, rationality sets in so i turned away to e pen section instead. aye, aint u proud of me? quick, pat me on my head!!

if u see me anywhere, zoning out and looking as if e world has crumbled around me, pls wake me up from my reverie and give me an assuring word or something. how desperate can i get, begging ppl to console me???!!!!! ok, im on a very self-contradictory mood today so pardon me.

if onli i can go on a binge for chocolates. i need endorphins badly. i wanna go to johor on deepavali to celebrate my bdae. =(

butterflies whispered at
10/22/2005 12:12:00 AM

Thursday, October 20, 2005

i tink im burning out

i duno how much longer i can last

u muz be tinking that im crazy, but i feel like giving up...

its getting harder by e day, getting more and more tedious. my concentration levels follows inversely proportionate. u dun see it on my face nor in my work coz its all mashed up inside. e things i gotta study seems neverending. i tink i reached my saturation level. nutting more can go in. i cant seem to get any higher than this, instead, my marks seemed to be going down with every practice i do. i seem to know everything that i shld know but i feel like i dunno everything that i shld noe. have u felt like that before?

i patiently stare at e words, and tried to assimilate them into my brain but i tink dey have diffused into thin air instead. i stare at them again and try to coax my brain into opening up. my eyes start to blur, i flip the page. i can't rmb what i juz read. i flipped e page back again. i stare at those very words again. i close the book, close my eyes, close my brain. or i close the book, close my brain, open my eyes, open my imagination. negative thoughts find a backdoor and starts turning my consciousness upside down.

i dun wanna wait till one and a half months later; i wanna get it over n done with now.

help. im drowning in paper.

im rambling and blabbering things i shldnt be saying at this crucial point in time. im being too paranoid. im being too sensitive. im being too foolish. im starting to feel e itch for e penknife.

butterflies whispered at
10/20/2005 12:10:00 AM

Sunday, October 16, 2005

bang seyed eve today to take care of my bro at home coz everyone else will be out. as usual, i failed to accomplish anything fruitful except for some underlining/scribblings.

im financially strapped yet u still wanna take advantage of my nicety and exploit wat lil cash i have. why dun u find other more lucrative targets instead? its not as if u dunno my situation. by all means, i dun go declaring im poor or watsoever but going by e way im managing my financial reins with such restraint, it shld be obvious enuff to u. dun push ur luck too far, buddy.

im treated like a puppet to be manipulated by e strings all e time. im onli of use when they need me and when im no longer of help, im marginalised. dumped like a ragdoll after its entertainment value has expired or they found another substitute for me. humans are such manipulative creatures. all e feelings involved... izzit for real or what? or izzit juz there so that ppl can sponge off each other?

butterflies whispered at
10/16/2005 07:30:00 PM

Saturday, October 15, 2005

ah. i dunno what came over me juz now in school. i was quite melancholic and all. i kinda induced myself to feel betta and coupled with e hydration of sleep, i feel betta. but not fully chirpy la. still a lil hung over some stuff. and im having this constant light-headedness that makes me feel as if im going to faint any minute. e images i see in my vision are blurry and unstable... ahhh graaaa. that's what deprivation of sleep does to you.

e pangs of insecurity won go away tho. im still scared of how ppl tink of me. all along i have been affected by ppl's perception of me. i dun deny that i yearn to be accepted by ppl so thats why i mostly let ppl have their way instead of standing my own. but it seems like this decision has manifested in other forms of negativity. i get paranoid when ppl dun respond e way they normally do. i question myself whether im doing things the wrong way, so dats why they reproach me silently for that. i haben got proof, but i keep imagining the invisible knives ppl plunge into my back. mebbe its there, mebbe its not. i have no idea.

making ppl smile makes my day. so when they dun smile, i feel like a failure. its totally foolish and toopid to tink so, but ah... i dunno. its part n parcel of wanting to be accepted, i guess. wanting to be accepted for my help and concern. wanting to be accepted by relating to them. so which exactly is e problem? them or me?

i bet u din know how badly i needed to be accepted. and i admitted that in my request for testimonial. speaking of which, i was almost shocked outta my skin when i got e form. all along, i have been an average student with normal grades, then suddenly im "commended" for scholarships. i wonder how it happened. Elaine said it was for e top 30% of e cohort. so i was wondering if the school standard was reali so bad that even my grades of B C C qualified for top 30%. so feeling abit exhilarated, i went to BrightSparks.com to find information regarding scholarships and i kinda got disillusioned coz most of it required "S" papers, outstanding CCA records, distinctions for at least 3 subjects. u tell mi la, how in the hell am i going to qualify???!!

dramafest was alright i guess. a few acting talents here and there. i was quite dissatisfied with e plots tho. it was almost amateurish and secondary school-ish. not that i wanna boast but my sec sch had more provoking stuff than that. mebbe they wanted to cater to the JJ crowd or what, so they kept it simple and explicit. i tink e onli thing that's commendable is e amount of effort they put in in rehearsals, prop-making and advertising. last year's was absolutely great in comparison. how i miss my seniors! they were damn good!!!

gonna mug wif eve tml. from 9 till 6. kudos to us!!!

butterflies whispered at
10/15/2005 12:45:00 AM

Friday, October 14, 2005

im sulking in front of e library computer now. today is graduation day but it feels like juz any normal day. no formal ceremony, reception , speech or anything. we din even have any formal class photo taking. half e class din come and e remaining half had less than lukewarm responses. everyone seems so jaded.

but im still glad for e days i spent in jjc. i muz say that it has reali been fulfilling and wonderful, despite lots of unpleasant experiences and all. i got loving friends and caring teachers to enrich my otherwise boring life. i got to participate in once-in-a-lifetime opportunities like SLO and OGL, all of which remain etched in my fondest memories. i felt this pang of regret if i din take e chance to say how much i appreciated my classmates, so i wrote some notes for them and to decorate a cushion i got for Mrs Razal. then now i had to pay for it with droopy eyes and lack of energy. hope they understand my intentions.

i recall that my sec sch graduation was alot more memorable. we had e reception and prize-giving ceremony. tho it wasnt exactly grand, we enjoyed it in a sort of humble and sweet way. i took photos with whomever i could take with, and who can forget dat fear-defying stunt me and xiaowen attempted when we climbed over e railings to take a photo on the rooftop of the classroom corridor block?

sigh. i wish things could be a lil betta. i dunno why but i feel this horrible sense of alienation come over me. izzit that im overworry, oversensitive and izzit reali that ppl's attitude towards me have changed? and of all days, it had to be on e last day of sch... but im certain that im e same old applie as always. mebbe i did changed a lil unconsciously and im sorri if it caused any offence or unhappiness in anyone. i am consumed by all kinds of possibilities for now. reali dunno what to tink of it..

going for dramafest later. hope it cheers me up a lil. tata

butterflies whispered at
10/14/2005 01:48:00 PM

Saturday, October 08, 2005

izzit because that e exams are approaching that ppl become easily irritable and insensitive? i seriously tink so. if not, why are problems cropping up everywhere amongst my friends? even i have become victimised for no reason.

keep it real, man. its onli e exams. no use panicking, freaking out and end up jeopardising ur own results. if u need to work on it, then work on it. then u cant be bothered, den dun bother. nobody forces u to do wat u dun wish to do, so dun get all stressed up when u find out that u cant do a single question on your exam paper. it can only be ur fault. if u wanna slack, u make sure u can afford it. its as simple as that what. it saves you any possible repercussions, as well as unnecessary pressure on ur frens. its onli another month away or so, juz bear wif wateva u hafta do la. do consider what your friends would tink as well... izzit worth it to tarnish a friendship juz becoz of a month-long period of exam tension?

if u find that im using very negative language on my recent entries, its because i can no longer stand it. and im oredi being very nice by not saying it in ur face so as to maintain e friendship. but by keeping quiet and giving in doesnt mean that you can keep doing it. and when i do show e slightest hint of offence, dun go all blaming me saying that i've changed or what. its onli coz my tolerance level has been worn away by e incessant friction of ur complaints/dissatisfaction or blah blah blah. this is addressed to nobody in particular, but of coz, those ppl who knows/tinks that they are whom im toking bout shld juz go n reflect on themselves. if u tink u're not to blame, so be it lor. im juz voicing out my opinions. its by no means a retaliatio but rather, an expository comment concerning e need for more discretion, sensitivity and consideration in times of 'crisis'. no obligations to listen watsoever. but if u tink u're genuinely wrong, then i guess this shld be a good wake-up call to u then. cheerios to greater friendship then.

and u realise that using stress as an excuse for behaving this way is unpardonable too.

onwards to nicer-sounding stuff!
i got B for Chinese, C for Econs, C for Lit and C5 for GP. whoa. my best exam report yet. it used to be Ds and Es. now now, dun go assuming that it's juz coz my sch is JJC so i am able to attain such wonderful results. BULLSHEE-IT. i slogged for it and i know i deserve it so i'll prove u wrong by doing even betta for my A levels. in any case, some of e top colleges din reali have very hard prelim papers as well. MJC and PJC had some pretty tough ones too that implies e fair level of competition worthy of top colleges, so dun be that eager to deflate our morale in order to boost your own ego aye? rmb, we're e rising star of JURONG! weeee~

fir treated me to The Myth... i tell u, its reali reali very nice. but not one of my favourites tho. its juz in respect to e plot and cinematics... personally, i won list it as my fav la. im still a sucker for die-hard romance and cartoons. went to meet elaine, chaoshun and pompom to go window shopping... ACCESSORISE has sooooooooooooo many beautiful hats that i wanna buy!!! but its superrrrr expensive la. at least 40 bucks each... when i can get a cheapo one at $12.9o at Far East. but e design and quality juz differs so greatly... i was almost reluctant to leave e shop lor. haha.

finally got my cheque from Jteam Productions of my 'xtra' role in One More Chance. 45 bucks leh! whoo~ at last i can look at my bank account without hanging in shame. its now a blinking three digits!!!!! wahoo~ haha. plus e trickling revenue from my earring sales.. and repaying debts to ppl, i shld be able to accumulate a decent amt of money for a very small shopping spree or something. for this weekend, i'll be totally digressing from my study plans coz im fully booked by ppl for various outings. oh no! but ah well, i guess i'll work doubly hard next week. shall stay in sch wif chaoshun, pengpeng they all till late late to finish up any spillover revision. weeeeeee~

im a sensible girl and im proud of it.

butterflies whispered at
10/08/2005 02:06:00 AM

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

am i tinking too much or did * deliberately kept appearing in places where im situated? somehow, i sensed something fishy.. and my intuition usually doesnt go wrong.

preparation for A levels starts nice and proper. got everything mapped out until my very last paper. IM ALL READY FOR E BATTLE BABY!!!

i realised my bdae is coming. oooooh, how fast. but so sad.. its right after Deepavali and right before Hari Raya. and e A levels are going on!!!! bleah. eve and fidz have oredi decided to celebrate after e As. so im gonna spend a very lonely bdae this day. elaine who coincidentally is born a day before me, shares e same fate. i shall go n whine to her everyday.

if u dunno wat to get, i tink i'll appreciate shopping vouchers e most. sounds practical... but hey, i love shopping! esp. for clothes... wahaha. and saves ppl e trouble of finding my presents too. as well as e awkwardness of telling wat what i wan when they asked me wat i wan for my bdae. seriously, anything will do.... EXCEPT FOR HUGGABLES! no soft toys, no plushies, no cushions unless you're toking bout MOGU cushions. coz i simply have no place to put them nor have any use for it. e onli thing i hug is my boyfren, friends, family, my bolster and MOGU cushions. ^.^

kong blah blah. how come i dun seem to be getting any thinner?

anyway, e sch engaged some makeup professionals to come today to offer some workshop on makeup. i tink it's for prom. how cool can it be? haha. its actuali encouraging us to be vain. or mebbe they tink JJ girls are probably gonna ruin the grad nite with hideous eyeshadows, gaudy lipcolor and all so they had to get ppl to salvage a potentially destructive night. and ya, im going wif deniece and elaine! i hope its of use tho. 25 bucks leh... Deniece says it'll be quite useful for work, which is quite true lor so i decided to go for it.

my sister finally returned me money. yay~

butterflies whispered at
10/05/2005 10:30:00 PM

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

i realised how lucky i am. no matter how hardup my family might be, or how much we had to go thru, we love each other and thats all i need to know. i dun need to have the best of everything, to have e most branded apparel or to eat e nicest food, because i have the best home to go back to everyday. the love we shared need not be spoken out, but we all know its there. it may be flawed, it may be imperfect but at least we are aware of it. i love my family, i know they love me too. i hope this love of mine is able to forgive whateva imperfections inherent of the love we have for each other. i'll take note of e lil things i can do to make my loved ones feel betta if only for juz a few moments. i'll take care of my own temper to make my home a more pleasant one. i'll be a good daughter, a sensible sister and a decent homemaker. come what may, i'll face it with a brave front and fight with my mightiest. i'll not let anything destroy my family portrait. with wateva little strength i have, i make sure i do my part and i pray that my family will do e same as well. there may be times when i may back down from e pain, but i'll survive...

it is only through difficult times that true love shows. e tribulations that ppl encounter are enuff to drive one over e edge, but im glad for e kinship and ties that run deep which make it so much easier to bear through. u may tink that some ppl are juz a thorn in e flesh and u juz cant bear e sight of them, but when hardship surfaces, they may be e first ones who render a helping hand.

i have learnt never to take things for granted because i've experienced a fair share of obstacles and difficulties. and i once again remind myself that, besides that, i must also cherish wateva i have for now. even tho it may be gone in e near future, i shld be happy dat it existed for a short, beautiful time. i am very contented with what i have now and i shld not be hungering for too much because all that could be gone in one fall swoop, who knows.

tho this never occurred directly to my family, it has impacted us all e same. we feel and empathise with wateva they are going thru. we may be borders away from each other, but wateva they are experiencing have taught us very important values to keep in mind. it has taught me bout trust, kinship, transcience and alot more.

i love my family, my friends. there is so much more i could have written but i doubt i can encapsulate everything within the mere capacity of words. i dun tink i made any reasonable sense from e lack of context revolving e contents, but well, its juz some thoughts that i need to get out of my head and to whomever is reading this.

dear friends, i hope u guys reflect on your own life as well.

butterflies whispered at
10/04/2005 01:29:00 AM

Sunday, October 02, 2005

friday
went to fidz house to have a movie marathon! weeeeet~ we binged on KFC and ice cream, effectively breaking my vow of sticking to Atkins diet. but anyway, i was almost too bloated to move around. we watched Kill Bill. initially it was very gory and i shrunk back to e furthest end of my chair. i swear that eve was almost laughing at my expression. but afterwards, it became very amusing instead... coz limbs were chopped off, heads slashed away, scalps skinned in a fashion of blood fountains and funny expressions of pain. mebbe i was too traumatised earlier on, so i was abit 'xiao' to tink dat it was a laughable matter.

later on, we watched american pie. it was so hilarious!!!!!!! all dat sex jokes n whatnot.. anyway, i so wish to have a campover at fidz house again. we can paint each other's nails again and do crazy stuff.

and i am super super super agonised to declare that i have overshot the 50kg mark, after being under that number for 17 years!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!! considering i haben been growing much vertically, i shldnt be piling on weight as well! oh no.......

saturday
went to chinatown wif elaine to get e stuff for earrings. spent another bomb lor... total fixed costs. hai. muz recover everything back!!!! then we went to meet chaoshun at orchard. gave him a pleasant surprise by conspiring wif elaine to bluff him dat she's not coming, onli to pop outta nowhere at Watsons to give him a shock of his life. then we headed to Far East to see prom stuff. i saw this gown dat i totally love at Aristles? (or wateva e shop name is). it was a tube gown... wif a gradual spectrum of e rainbow colours. it so totally fits CHRYSALIS! but it was a whooping $229 lor. no go.

then we went for STOMP! gosh, it was kickass! hafta thank elaine's dad for this treat. each ticket was more than 100 bucks lor, so me and chaoshun were flabbergasted when we found out. shall get something back for him in return. anyway, it was a great showdown. i had my toes tapping to all e rhythms thru-out e show. and being me, i had to break e rules by taking a few shots of e performance, and even managed to get a video of e drummers in e air. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOL! everything was so well-coordinated and creative. both a visual and audio feast!

after dat, me and chaoshun got on our way home. we were at Citylink Mall and i had to answer e call of nature. i went to a ulu toilet, and i chanced upon a couple having sex in e cubicle! eeeeeeeeeee. i din see anything, but from e way their shoes were situated (facing each other and with onli a 2cm gap between them), it was obvious that they were either kissing or doing something intimate. but i nv suspected dat they were oredi at e extreme until i heard e very recognisable moans of climaxing that i heard on American Pie! yuck....... i was so disgusted lor, dat i quickly finished my thing and got out. told chaoshun bout it and immediately regretted not banging on their door or throwing water over e cubicle walls to make e couple embarrassed haha. ppl nowadays must be so desperate...

sunday
boring! i did nutting except for making earrings. it was so boring coz i had to make 12 pieces of e same thing, and it din help dat it was e chandelier design. so now my table is full of unpieced metal bits and beads... and did i mention that i haben done my GP? holla...

oh!!!!!!!!!!!! and i found *'s friendster. weeeeeeeeeeeeee~ can u imagine my happiness? haha. no la... not so exaggerated. i comtemplated if i shld make friends with him, and managed to garner enuff courage to do so after 10 mins of staring at e screen. haha. im such a hopeless person.

going swimming wif fidz tml! im gonna wear my bikini into e competition pool... time to furnish myelf with a to-kill tan for grad nite as well as to tone my muscles and scrap fat! they betta not pull me out for wearing inappropriate attire haha.

butterflies whispered at
10/02/2005 10:16:00 PM