[[see through me]]
[x] applie
[x] elaine/menghui/apple pie/heng mui/ah meng
[x] sweet seventeen turning elephantine eighteen
[x] 02/11/1987
[x] jurong junior college
[x] family, friends
[x] passion, truth, beauty, love
[x] adventure seeker, daredevil at heart
[x] cynical optimist
[x] introvertly emotional
[x] hypersensitive, uberparanoid
[x] down-to-earth, happy-go-lucky

[[fancies]]
[x] white chocolate
[x] rum and raisin ice cream
[x] strawberries in any form
[x] gummy candies
[x] contemporary popular dance
[x] singing chee-na pop
[x] pink and white
[x] shopping and window-shopping
[x] swimming
[x] short poems
[x] stoning
[x] smiling and making ppl smile
[x] mint

[[pooh-poohs]]
[x] smokers
[x] animal abusers
[x] two-timers/womanisers
[x] male chauvinist pigs
[x] injections/dental/surgery
[x] flying bugs
[x] supernatural occurences
[x] gore
[x] insecurity


[[withered glory]]
December 2004 January 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005

[[friends and favs]]
designer
chaoshun
evelyn
xiaowen
serena
Xiaxue
Ayumi Hamasaki
Shutterfly ;

Saturday, October 29, 2005

first paper two days away. i saw e seating plan in e concourse two days ago and i freaked out, jumped out of my skin, had a heart attack, sucked in two litres of air into my lungs within the span of 2 seconds.

and reality hit me hard.

tho im certain i've studied more than enuff scope to cover the minimal requirements of e paper, i still feel ill-prepared. mentally, im reeling from the shock of my impending doom. physically, im still suffering from woozy spells and gastric problems.

i broke down inwardly a couple of times these past few days. forgive me if i ever seem to be zoning out and thus ignoring u as a result. i've been stoning more frequently these one week than i did in these past 2 years (ok la, mebbe not...). there was one particular night that i was studying in e cafe. i sat alone at a round table while elaine and pompom sat at another table. then i juz disintegrated... like a wad of boiled tissue paper. my consciousness juz fell apart. i can almost describe the panic that overwhelmed me then; as Panic rats that scuttled out of nowhere and started to run helter-skelter all over my sanity, gnawing away at the fibres of self-motivation and rationality. i crumbled, lost it amidst a swirl of chinese characters, swept everything from e desk into my bag and fled from the cafe to regain self-control. i wanted to cry to make myself feel betta, but e tears won come no matter how hard i will it. how frustrating when it comes when u least wan it to come, and it doesnt when u're dying for it to.

i noe how u feel too. mebbe u're juz as hapless. mebbe u're a lil more prepared. mebbe u can't be bothered. i dunno. but bear in mind, everything will pass soon. even tho i seem to be losing it, i believe strongly enuff that my confidence will restore itself when e time comes. i believe in you too. believe in yourself. i might not be there to see you thru, but juz be sure that we're in this together so we gotta hang on together and cross e gallows.

butterflies whispered at
10/29/2005 12:52:00 AM