Saturday, October 15, 2005
ah. i dunno what came over me juz now in school. i was quite melancholic and all. i kinda induced myself to feel betta and coupled with e hydration of sleep, i feel betta. but not fully chirpy la. still a lil hung over some stuff. and im having this constant light-headedness that makes me feel as if im going to faint any minute. e images i see in my vision are blurry and unstable... ahhh graaaa. that's what deprivation of sleep does to you.
e pangs of insecurity won go away tho. im still scared of how ppl tink of me. all along i have been affected by ppl's perception of me. i dun deny that i yearn to be accepted by ppl so thats why i mostly let ppl have their way instead of standing my own. but it seems like this decision has manifested in other forms of negativity. i get paranoid when ppl dun respond e way they normally do. i question myself whether im doing things the wrong way, so dats why they reproach me silently for that. i haben got proof, but i keep imagining the invisible knives ppl plunge into my back. mebbe its there, mebbe its not. i have no idea.
making ppl smile makes my day. so when they dun smile, i feel like a failure. its totally foolish and toopid to tink so, but ah... i dunno. its part n parcel of wanting to be accepted, i guess. wanting to be accepted for my help and concern. wanting to be accepted by relating to them. so which exactly is e problem? them or me?
i bet u din know how badly i needed to be accepted. and i admitted that in my request for testimonial. speaking of which, i was almost shocked outta my skin when i got e form. all along, i have been an average student with normal grades, then suddenly im "commended" for scholarships. i wonder how it happened. Elaine said it was for e top 30% of e cohort. so i was wondering if the school standard was reali so bad that even my grades of B C C qualified for top 30%. so feeling abit exhilarated, i went to BrightSparks.com to find information regarding scholarships and i kinda got disillusioned coz most of it required "S" papers, outstanding CCA records, distinctions for at least 3 subjects. u tell mi la, how in the hell am i going to qualify???!!
dramafest was alright i guess. a few acting talents here and there. i was quite dissatisfied with e plots tho. it was almost amateurish and secondary school-ish. not that i wanna boast but my sec sch had more provoking stuff than that. mebbe they wanted to cater to the JJ crowd or what, so they kept it simple and explicit. i tink e onli thing that's commendable is e amount of effort they put in in rehearsals, prop-making and advertising. last year's was absolutely great in comparison. how i miss my seniors! they were damn good!!!
gonna mug wif eve tml. from 9 till 6. kudos to us!!!
butterflies whispered at
10/15/2005 12:45:00 AM
