t.A.s.K.i.N.i.L.l.U.s.I.o.N

2005-11-26T01:40:00.000+08:00

BYE PEOPLE!!! IM MOVING!!! ^.^

2005-11-20T01:06:00.000+08:00

im not going to give a damn bout this anymore. go ahead and say wateva u wan. my conscience is clear, i have nutting to hide. the guy above knows who's e victim and who's not, so im not gonna waste my breath trying to vindicate myself from circumstances that stupid ppl impose upon me. if u get e wrong side of e story, too bad for you. as long as my friends believe and know what im doing, its enuff. i have done my part, and hopefully u will do yours too to respect me.

get a life of your own and move your butt outta my personal space.

one last paper to go. i cant wait.

2005-11-17T23:38:00.000+08:00

juz a word of concern to everyone reading this. pls dun link me up on ur blog coz i dun wan anonymous ppl browsing thru my stuff, unless they come here by chance.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! i finally got my nike cap! its called a jealuxe cap. last time, i fell in love with it at eWorld of Sports Jurong Point. wanted to get eve to buy it for my bdae present but it was too expensive... so i got my bro to get it instead. but by e time he went there, EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF STOCK WAS GONE! so i tried to search for it in every available sports store but to no avail. i went to the IMM branch before but i couldn find it again. but this time, when i decided to the loo, i decided to give it one more try.... and kudos! IT MAGICALLY REAPPEARED! weeeeeeeeeeee. eve could testify the state of emotion i was in after i finally had my hands on it.

lalala. 2 more papers. but after paper 8, im gonna catch Just Like Heaven first. heh.

2005-11-17T02:36:00.000+08:00

freak. i can holler a thousand different vulgarities from my vocabulary right now. mypicgallery.com screwed up on me and requires me to pay for its services. which explains why my star icons turned into such ugly tabs of "Account Expired, Please Subscribe".

and all my pics are GONE. 4 years of collection, everything from my 2/5 photos, neoprints, css photos... defenestrated without even a warning. how am i supposed to stomach this?!!!!

im going to change address soon. the thought of unknown people scrutinising my blog and linking me up is too scary for comfort. yes, i have nutting to be ashamed of because everything i say here is 100% sincere, honest and reliable... but u noe my age-old reservations bout mass media. ppl like to "duan zhang qu yi", meaning they take bits and pieces of what i wrote and distorting it to their whim and fancy with no respect for my intended context at all. thats why i got so fed up by the whole Ziheng scandal when everyone simply passed it mouth to mouth and changing the whole story without even knowing what truly happened. no doubt, these comes with the discretion of setting up a blog, but its juz WRONG to distort facts. u can read it, you can disbelieve me, u can judge me, BUT DON'T DISTORT IT. get your facts straight before u come up with your own version of it. its a due respect that you give to the writer when you read their material.

2005-11-17T02:00:00.000+08:00

nutting's going right. i thought the worst has oredi passed, but turns out that Econs is even harder! ARGHHH! at least paper 1 and 2 were do-able. easier to crap... can onli hope that wateva crap i wrote makes some sense to my marker. yada yada. 2 more papers to freedom... wahoooooo! today, me and chaoshun were acting as if everything was over. he treated me to Billy Bombers milkshake and its super thick fries and i can tell u... its SIMPLY DIVINE! too bad it din come in strawberry flavour tho. i had the chocolate one, and whoa... i was blown away. i swear that every inch of my being is enjoying the rush of endorphins that i so gratefully appreciate during this tough period of time.

i have no idea whether i made e right decision. its high time that i tink for myself, and solely for myself. i dunno... i'll reconsider it seriously when everything's over and i'll have the luxury of time to ponder bout our relationship.

to S: all i can say is, things are not what you seem. i account to you solely because i tink u have e right to noe, and not that im trying to exonerate myself. there are things behind closed doors that u won get to hear and it won matter anyway coz everything will sound like excuses even tho they aint. whether u believe me is up to u. if u still tink that i have done you wrong, there's nutting more i can do to convince you. im sorry if it hurts but one thing i can safely tell u is that, im guilt-free. i told you no lies. i did wateva i can to smooth things out between you and him. i din do anything to cause your breakup. as far as i am concerned, we onli started after you guys ended... so pls dun misunderstand. hope u find ur happiness too.

2005-11-13T01:14:00.000+08:00

cambridge hates us. for some reason, they made the papers especially tough this year. i tot Chinese was bad enuff, until i heard of Maths, Chem, Bio and subsequently experienced GP for myself. though it was perversely comforting to know that other ppl found it hard too, i stil dun imagine myself getting the grades i expected.

so wateva happens to Econs and Lit then? i cant bear to imagine. =( worst case scenario: repeat J2. serena, i'll be taking exams with u next yr. how fun!

next week is gonna be draining. but come friday, i'll be shackle-free~! well.. almost. sorry eve! haha. but sunday will still be on with you. anyway, i oredi have 3 movies in schedule, thanx to someone's complimentary movie passes. wahahaha. ^.^ musuem visit. movie. prom shopping. movie. suntanning. movie. bbq. movie. stayover. movie. grandma's house. movie. clubbing. movie. chalet. tha's what has been lined up after my last paper. i'll be free until the end of this yr before i look for work so pls book your slots asap. first-come-first-served basis.

e mood swings are going away. yay. everyone shld be happy after e 24th. but i tink within this period, alot of ties have oredi been broken, forgotten, chucked aside or simply ignored. one by one, my closest frens seem to be getting estranged from me. the distance din matter, its the emotional attachment that is fraying. will it return to normal after the exams? i dunno. i certainly hope so...

i write differently from the way i behave. i tend to be more frank when blogging because i treat it as a freedom of expression. but in reality, i dun normally carry out what i say because there are alot of considerations involved. tho i may defame someone here, it doesnt mean i'll reali vomit vulgarities into that person face-to-face because im aware of the humiliation he/she will face, the scene i'll create, guts it'll take to act it out blah blah blah. bottomline is, what i say here shldn be taken seriously. im old enuff to noe what im doing. pls be discerning enuff to treat me like a young adult.

5th November 2005 2.30am

2005-11-06T22:53:00.000+08:00

that date and time meant something to me, but i shall be mysterious and not say anything...

i cannot stand rich ppl who tink money can do wonders. i saw an article in The New Paper a few days back. a sch bus driver forgot that there was a kid sleeping on the bus, so he drove e bus all the way to the Causeway customs when he wanted to go to Johor to refill petrol. the customs officers found the girl and returned her home safely. now here comes the crunch: i dun deny negligence on the driver and bus attendent's part coz they shld have checked the bus properly. the matter shld have been rested after a letter of apology or something, but the parent of the child had to kick up a fuss and demand disciplinary action against the driver and the attendent, which led to them being sacked from the company. and even after several letters from the childcare schoolhouse, the parent even wanted the sch to change bus operators. NOW THAT IS WAYYYYYYY TOO MUCH. juz coz you pay the sch fees, and fulfil the possiblity of the driver having a decent income, doesnt mean u can go abusing your authority and demanding all sorts of unnecessary action over such a small mattter. its not as if your child has been kidnapped due to that or something. and how could u overlook the hundreds of times that the driver good-heartedly did his duty and delivered your child to your doorstep? and just because of one single incident that doesnt even warrant much panic, you strip some low-income earner of his job without any consideration. asshole.. all that filth of your money has turned your conscience into coal or something?

i was stuck at mac this whole day studying away. but apparently, the jitterbugs got a hold of me and i started to feel all stressed out again. i tink i have peaked at the prelims, and somehow feeling myself sliding down the ramp. the lecture notes looked as undelectable as leftover mould coz i've studied the damn thing hundreds of times before, but i still cant rmb everything i shld have rmbed. THATS WHY I PROLLY FLUNKED MY CHINESE. i tot everything had been installed in my memory thru countless repetitions but that din work for my Chinese A paper coz i forgot wateva was supposed to garner me the 71 marks i got for my prelims. now, its the same case with Econs and im badly traumatised once before. HOW???

i was juz short of breaking down but thankfully, eve, elaine and fir responded to my distress calls in time to keep me from losing control. my deepest thank yous...

anyway, me and eve were one table away from this sec 4 girl studying for her O levels. initially, we were fine with her. budden when this bunch of sec 4 guys, presumably her classmates, came over and sat at the neighbouring table, they started to tok and tok and tok and tok, as if they're here for a chatting session instead of a study session. but the most intolerable thing was how the girl spoke. it was in this ultra-act-cute accent, which i am very certain, was faked in the presence of the guys to attract attention. im not being judgemental here, but i had enuff experience in sec sch to pinpoint who's acting cute and who's not. normally i wouldnt have minded coz i'll be nice and let them be, but today i was already frustrated enough with my worries... so i got freaking pissed and shot dagger stares at her. apparently, she din get e hint coz e chatter went on for another hour or so... argh.

ok. that's my Two Minute Hate for now. i need to exercise tml to release endorphins into my mind so that i won launch into such mood swings and start criticising everybody i see on the street... and i gonna listen to elaine and take a break from studying for one day before returning to the books. im reali drained of energy... cant last much longer if i juz drone on with such unproductivity. so i gonna go out wif firdaus on tues and go look at cloth for my prom dress. then at least i have something to look forward to after my As.

good luck to all who's having your PW oral presentation soon!

stab me

2005-11-04T00:34:00.000+08:00

chinese A was a wreck. i couldn't rmb my gu wen translations properly. outta e 3 essays which i banked so much on, i onli felt confident of 1. i pretty much crapped thru e other 2. e paper was hard, but i guess i had myself to blame as well. felt uber-shitty after e whole 6 hours was over. that's it. i predict it to be a C or D. won be surprised too if its a E. thats how bad it is.

ate steamboat at marina wif my family after e paper, and got to burn alot of stingray and char siew chicken. dun tink im going back to Zheng Fa anymore even tho it may be betta-reputated... coz its seriously congested, and more expensive than e other places around that area. i could have gone to e one OG4 went to last yr for 2 bucks less and gotten a free ice cream and drink, and lots more food... which is where im gonna go on e 25th with OG4 to celebrate e end of As. told u i had inferior tastebuds.

happy birthday to me, even tho its 2 days over. thanx to everyone for e gifts and well-wishes. i love you all! esp. to elaine for treating me the Vienna Boys Choir concert. e boys sounded reali angelic... esp. that soprano. they weren't reali professional and all mebbe due to their young age or unfamilarity with the intimidating big hall, coz a few of them were fidgeting away, coughing and showing signs of unease, but for me, it was reali cute seeing them at their most innocent. and they had BEAUTIFUL hair which positively shone under the lighting. most charming...

im in a terrible state of mind now. dunno what to make of things. fir asked me back, and im dreadfully troubled over it. it felt reali nice to be wif him, but it came at a big price of insecurity and fear. many of my frens have been advising against it, suggesting me to get into a no-strings-attached relationship instead... i won rule it out, but as far as i noe, im not very in favour of that idea coz its afterall, undermining e meaning of a relationship. i very much wanna go back to him, start anew or something... but im afraid of what may come. once bitten, twice shy. i've been out of a relationship for so long that i no longer noe where to start, how to handle it. if i juz blindly agree, it's unfair to him too. besides... there're alot of things to consider. im not very sure of his feelings as well.. mebbe both of us were juz too hot-headed or something. im still in e midst of my exams, and its niggling at me to no end. and i dun wanna be a hypocrite to shishi as well, on one hand helping her to get over him and on the other, snuggling up behind her back.

then what explains the pain gnawing at my heart? what explains the lump in my throat whenever i tink of us? what explains the sudden rush of moisture in my eyes as i look at u?

do i follow my heart's will back to the place where i felt i belonged, or listen to my mind's voice to a path that may hold even greater promises? do i forsake the memories i tried so hard to hide or do i revisit all the beautiful places that you have taken my heart to?

i can't decide if i've gotten over you and fallen in love again or that the remnants of my affection have been awakened by you once more.

i don't know if i love you for who you are or just loving you for the very reason that i can have you back again.

can i even call it love??

this is so melodramatic that i can scriptwrite it into another tearjerking korean show.

courage

2005-10-29T00:52:00.000+08:00

first paper two days away. i saw e seating plan in e concourse two days ago and i freaked out, jumped out of my skin, had a heart attack, sucked in two litres of air into my lungs within the span of 2 seconds.

and reality hit me hard.

tho im certain i've studied more than enuff scope to cover the minimal requirements of e paper, i still feel ill-prepared. mentally, im reeling from the shock of my impending doom. physically, im still suffering from woozy spells and gastric problems.

i broke down inwardly a couple of times these past few days. forgive me if i ever seem to be zoning out and thus ignoring u as a result. i've been stoning more frequently these one week than i did in these past 2 years (ok la, mebbe not...). there was one particular night that i was studying in e cafe. i sat alone at a round table while elaine and pompom sat at another table. then i juz disintegrated... like a wad of boiled tissue paper. my consciousness juz fell apart. i can almost describe the panic that overwhelmed me then; as Panic rats that scuttled out of nowhere and started to run helter-skelter all over my sanity, gnawing away at the fibres of self-motivation and rationality. i crumbled, lost it amidst a swirl of chinese characters, swept everything from e desk into my bag and fled from the cafe to regain self-control. i wanted to cry to make myself feel betta, but e tears won come no matter how hard i will it. how frustrating when it comes when u least wan it to come, and it doesnt when u're dying for it to.

i noe how u feel too. mebbe u're juz as hapless. mebbe u're a lil more prepared. mebbe u can't be bothered. i dunno. but bear in mind, everything will pass soon. even tho i seem to be losing it, i believe strongly enuff that my confidence will restore itself when e time comes. i believe in you too. believe in yourself. i might not be there to see you thru, but juz be sure that we're in this together so we gotta hang on together and cross e gallows.

die world die

2005-10-29T00:01:00.000+08:00

i agree wif eve. e human race should juz die out. i have this perverse longing that e bird flu will become an epidemic and juz wipe out e whole world coz im reali sick of Man's selfishness, greed, materialism. we tink we're so smart and entitled to exploit this small little world we have, killing each other in e process of it and causing unforeseen consequences that they'll onli live to regret when they reap what they sow. all e inventions that we term as "ingenius" are actuali time-bombs. the mere creation of a lightbulb has fuelled e extensive mining of minerals for energy, e excessive pollution generated by burning coal that eventually caused lousy air, asthma, acid rain blah blah blah. i read enough Utopian fiction to see how real our circumstances are and how realisable that those depicted nightmares have become in recent times. mebbe im taking it a lil too far but i feel reali disillusioned and sardonic to say anything good bout this world.

"we're allotted a little space on earth and that we survive in that very wilderness that can take back what it has given us, as easily as blowing its breath on us or sending the sea to tell us we're not so big." -Ray Bradbury

im not surprised at the natural disasters that have been wrecking our world apart. i believe there is a reason why it is coming in bigger scales, killing more and more ppl each time it happens. even God must be feeling hopeless about Mankind already.

distracted

2005-10-25T15:07:00.000+08:00

e journey doesnt seem so smooth-sailing after all. monday's e paper and im still struggling wif my chinese. im in e sch library now, taking a break from everything.

and i juz cried in sch. in front of all of them. how unglam. but anyway, it helped to relieve everything dats cooped up inside la. feeling much betta now. and not to mention e wonderful bunch of friends i have wif me to comfort me when i broke down. elaine, pompom, nana, carmen, yingpeng. thank you so much, all of u. i dunno wat i'll do without u guys.

i shld stop tinking so much. as in seriously, stop wondering so much. its very detrimental to ur health. VERY. all e dizzy spells, lightheadedness, languidity... argh. another 6 days... by right i shld be in tip-top condition and sit for my paper in e pink of health. won wanna jeopardise my hard work because of such matters... it'll hafta wait then. i gonna confront it and solve it once and for all when everything's over.

nutting will defeat formidable lil applie...

chicken little

2005-10-23T00:07:00.000+08:00

chicken little is soooooooo cute! i caught e Chicken Little movie trailer on eve's blog and e dance was simply simply simply toooooooooooooooo cute! however, when it opens its mouth, i get so turned off coz its a rough, gruff adult voice that totally doesnt suit e 'cute' image. eeeeeeeeeee. can't they have a cuter voice-over or something?

i have finally gotten back to e roots of HTML. i used to be so good at it that i designed my very own Neoshop when Neopets was still hot. but after i stopped playing, i stopped using HTML altogether which goes to explain why my blog was pristinely undesigned for like... 10 months?

studied wif eve at mac today, all e way from 9am to 8.30pm. and yea, i woke up on time thanx to eve's wake-up call. she shld be my alarm clock from now on coz my hp alarm seems pretty useless when im in such a pig-like slumber. lately, i've been sleeping so deeply that i cant hear e irritating alarm even at full blast and i'll always wake up to find it snoozing away already. even if e house is burning, i dun tink i'll wake up too. managed to finish one chapter for chinese and go over some Econs essay. doesnt seem like much progress but ah... i guess thats how much i can go. im already half dead by e time i walked outta mac after 10+ hours.

i so totally hate irresponsible ppl. and i even hate ppl more when they castigate e blame on me when i wasnt e one irresponsible. there is more than meets e eye; dun go taking taking everything at face value. it is damn shitty to be wronged. and i abhor everyone when they believe the wrongdoer instead of me juz coz she sheds tears and i din. damn shitty, i tell u. DAMN SHITTY!

actuali im close to screaming e house down. but i shall be a sensible girl and not go to such drastic extents due to a trivial matter even tho im boiling with anger inside. and i cant believe im crying over some toopid comment that UNREASONABLE ppl make. i dun care if i sound childish and petty and sarcastic and blah. ITS JUZ PLAIN SHITTY AT THIS MOMENT THAT IM FEELING NOW.

countdown to doomsday

2005-10-22T00:12:00.000+08:00

ding dong bell, pussy in the well. today is friday, which means 8 more days to e start of A levels.

*tears hair, make horrified face, steam coming out from ears*

ok, e font was irritatingly small but i tink i'll change it once i have e time. actuali i do now, but im feeling tired and unwell. been having dizzy spells for e couple of days oredi. whichever evil person cursed me, pls lift dat e spell from me pls. its giving me a terrible time grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

my hair is getting thick again. i gotta trim it soon, before it becomes a mop. anyway, chaoshun... i guess u haben known me well enuff to be a person who doesnt practise what she preaches. haha. im serious! well back to e subject of exams. sigh. i know i've been trashing bout giving up and all dat, but i guess its in a fit of frustration and anger. i wont give up la... too much is at stake. even if i hafta work till i die, i'll do it. its juz e fear and pressure that is mounting up each day, as it presses even closer to the first paper. i duno wats making me so worn out and panicky, but I AM. argh.

anyway, a piece of good news. i went to POPULAR to restock my stationary supplies. actuali, i wanted to include a penknife in my shopping list but i guess i shld outgrow that stage oredi. no more escapism for me. im a sensible girl now. turning 18 soon. i saw a delectable pink penknife and i stood staring at it for a full 2 mins while e demons wreaked havoc in me, but well, rationality sets in so i turned away to e pen section instead. aye, aint u proud of me? quick, pat me on my head!!

if u see me anywhere, zoning out and looking as if e world has crumbled around me, pls wake me up from my reverie and give me an assuring word or something. how desperate can i get, begging ppl to console me???!!!!! ok, im on a very self-contradictory mood today so pardon me.

if onli i can go on a binge for chocolates. i need endorphins badly. i wanna go to johor on deepavali to celebrate my bdae. =(

tears

2005-10-20T00:10:00.000+08:00

i tink im burning out

i duno how much longer i can last

u muz be tinking that im crazy, but i feel like giving up...

its getting harder by e day, getting more and more tedious. my concentration levels follows inversely proportionate. u dun see it on my face nor in my work coz its all mashed up inside. e things i gotta study seems neverending. i tink i reached my saturation level. nutting more can go in. i cant seem to get any higher than this, instead, my marks seemed to be going down with every practice i do. i seem to know everything that i shld know but i feel like i dunno everything that i shld noe. have u felt like that before?

i patiently stare at e words, and tried to assimilate them into my brain but i tink dey have diffused into thin air instead. i stare at them again and try to coax my brain into opening up. my eyes start to blur, i flip the page. i can't rmb what i juz read. i flipped e page back again. i stare at those very words again. i close the book, close my eyes, close my brain. or i close the book, close my brain, open my eyes, open my imagination. negative thoughts find a backdoor and starts turning my consciousness upside down.

i dun wanna wait till one and a half months later; i wanna get it over n done with now.

help. im drowning in paper.

im rambling and blabbering things i shldnt be saying at this crucial point in time. im being too paranoid. im being too sensitive. im being too foolish. im starting to feel e itch for e penknife.

deadened

2005-10-16T19:30:00.000+08:00

bang seyed eve today to take care of my bro at home coz everyone else will be out. as usual, i failed to accomplish anything fruitful except for some underlining/scribblings.

im financially strapped yet u still wanna take advantage of my nicety and exploit wat lil cash i have. why dun u find other more lucrative targets instead? its not as if u dunno my situation. by all means, i dun go declaring im poor or watsoever but going by e way im managing my financial reins with such restraint, it shld be obvious enuff to u. dun push ur luck too far, buddy.

im treated like a puppet to be manipulated by e strings all e time. im onli of use when they need me and when im no longer of help, im marginalised. dumped like a ragdoll after its entertainment value has expired or they found another substitute for me. humans are such manipulative creatures. all e feelings involved... izzit for real or what? or izzit juz there so that ppl can sponge off each other?

random

2005-10-15T00:45:00.000+08:00

ah. i dunno what came over me juz now in school. i was quite melancholic and all. i kinda induced myself to feel betta and coupled with e hydration of sleep, i feel betta. but not fully chirpy la. still a lil hung over some stuff. and im having this constant light-headedness that makes me feel as if im going to faint any minute. e images i see in my vision are blurry and unstable... ahhh graaaa. that's what deprivation of sleep does to you.

e pangs of insecurity won go away tho. im still scared of how ppl tink of me. all along i have been affected by ppl's perception of me. i dun deny that i yearn to be accepted by ppl so thats why i mostly let ppl have their way instead of standing my own. but it seems like this decision has manifested in other forms of negativity. i get paranoid when ppl dun respond e way they normally do. i question myself whether im doing things the wrong way, so dats why they reproach me silently for that. i haben got proof, but i keep imagining the invisible knives ppl plunge into my back. mebbe its there, mebbe its not. i have no idea.

making ppl smile makes my day. so when they dun smile, i feel like a failure. its totally foolish and toopid to tink so, but ah... i dunno. its part n parcel of wanting to be accepted, i guess. wanting to be accepted for my help and concern. wanting to be accepted by relating to them. so which exactly is e problem? them or me?

i bet u din know how badly i needed to be accepted. and i admitted that in my request for testimonial. speaking of which, i was almost shocked outta my skin when i got e form. all along, i have been an average student with normal grades, then suddenly im "commended" for scholarships. i wonder how it happened. Elaine said it was for e top 30% of e cohort. so i was wondering if the school standard was reali so bad that even my grades of B C C qualified for top 30%. so feeling abit exhilarated, i went to BrightSparks.com to find information regarding scholarships and i kinda got disillusioned coz most of it required "S" papers, outstanding CCA records, distinctions for at least 3 subjects. u tell mi la, how in the hell am i going to qualify???!!

dramafest was alright i guess. a few acting talents here and there. i was quite dissatisfied with e plots tho. it was almost amateurish and secondary school-ish. not that i wanna boast but my sec sch had more provoking stuff than that. mebbe they wanted to cater to the JJ crowd or what, so they kept it simple and explicit. i tink e onli thing that's commendable is e amount of effort they put in in rehearsals, prop-making and advertising. last year's was absolutely great in comparison. how i miss my seniors! they were damn good!!!

gonna mug wif eve tml. from 9 till 6. kudos to us!!!

graduation

2005-10-14T13:48:00.000+08:00

im sulking in front of e library computer now. today is graduation day but it feels like juz any normal day. no formal ceremony, reception , speech or anything. we din even have any formal class photo taking. half e class din come and e remaining half had less than lukewarm responses. everyone seems so jaded.

but im still glad for e days i spent in jjc. i muz say that it has reali been fulfilling and wonderful, despite lots of unpleasant experiences and all. i got loving friends and caring teachers to enrich my otherwise boring life. i got to participate in once-in-a-lifetime opportunities like SLO and OGL, all of which remain etched in my fondest memories. i felt this pang of regret if i din take e chance to say how much i appreciated my classmates, so i wrote some notes for them and to decorate a cushion i got for Mrs Razal. then now i had to pay for it with droopy eyes and lack of energy. hope they understand my intentions.

i recall that my sec sch graduation was alot more memorable. we had e reception and prize-giving ceremony. tho it wasnt exactly grand, we enjoyed it in a sort of humble and sweet way. i took photos with whomever i could take with, and who can forget dat fear-defying stunt me and xiaowen attempted when we climbed over e railings to take a photo on the rooftop of the classroom corridor block?

sigh. i wish things could be a lil betta. i dunno why but i feel this horrible sense of alienation come over me. izzit that im overworry, oversensitive and izzit reali that ppl's attitude towards me have changed? and of all days, it had to be on e last day of sch... but im certain that im e same old applie as always. mebbe i did changed a lil unconsciously and im sorri if it caused any offence or unhappiness in anyone. i am consumed by all kinds of possibilities for now. reali dunno what to tink of it..

going for dramafest later. hope it cheers me up a lil. tata

cut the crap

2005-10-08T02:06:00.000+08:00

izzit because that e exams are approaching that ppl become easily irritable and insensitive? i seriously tink so. if not, why are problems cropping up everywhere amongst my friends? even i have become victimised for no reason.

keep it real, man. its onli e exams. no use panicking, freaking out and end up jeopardising ur own results. if u need to work on it, then work on it. then u cant be bothered, den dun bother. nobody forces u to do wat u dun wish to do, so dun get all stressed up when u find out that u cant do a single question on your exam paper. it can only be ur fault. if u wanna slack, u make sure u can afford it. its as simple as that what. it saves you any possible repercussions, as well as unnecessary pressure on ur frens. its onli another month away or so, juz bear wif wateva u hafta do la. do consider what your friends would tink as well... izzit worth it to tarnish a friendship juz becoz of a month-long period of exam tension?

if u find that im using very negative language on my recent entries, its because i can no longer stand it. and im oredi being very nice by not saying it in ur face so as to maintain e friendship. but by keeping quiet and giving in doesnt mean that you can keep doing it. and when i do show e slightest hint of offence, dun go all blaming me saying that i've changed or what. its onli coz my tolerance level has been worn away by e incessant friction of ur complaints/dissatisfaction or blah blah blah. this is addressed to nobody in particular, but of coz, those ppl who knows/tinks that they are whom im toking bout shld juz go n reflect on themselves. if u tink u're not to blame, so be it lor. im juz voicing out my opinions. its by no means a retaliatio but rather, an expository comment concerning e need for more discretion, sensitivity and consideration in times of 'crisis'. no obligations to listen watsoever. but if u tink u're genuinely wrong, then i guess this shld be a good wake-up call to u then. cheerios to greater friendship then.

and u realise that using stress as an excuse for behaving this way is unpardonable too.

onwards to nicer-sounding stuff!
i got B for Chinese, C for Econs, C for Lit and C5 for GP. whoa. my best exam report yet. it used to be Ds and Es. now now, dun go assuming that it's juz coz my sch is JJC so i am able to attain such wonderful results. BULLSHEE-IT. i slogged for it and i know i deserve it so i'll prove u wrong by doing even betta for my A levels. in any case, some of e top colleges din reali have very hard prelim papers as well. MJC and PJC had some pretty tough ones too that implies e fair level of competition worthy of top colleges, so dun be that eager to deflate our morale in order to boost your own ego aye? rmb, we're e rising star of JURONG! weeee~

fir treated me to The Myth... i tell u, its reali reali very nice. but not one of my favourites tho. its juz in respect to e plot and cinematics... personally, i won list it as my fav la. im still a sucker for die-hard romance and cartoons. went to meet elaine, chaoshun and pompom to go window shopping... ACCESSORISE has sooooooooooooo many beautiful hats that i wanna buy!!! but its superrrrr expensive la. at least 40 bucks each... when i can get a cheapo one at $12.9o at Far East. but e design and quality juz differs so greatly... i was almost reluctant to leave e shop lor. haha.

finally got my cheque from Jteam Productions of my 'xtra' role in One More Chance. 45 bucks leh! whoo~ at last i can look at my bank account without hanging in shame. its now a blinking three digits!!!!! wahoo~ haha. plus e trickling revenue from my earring sales.. and repaying debts to ppl, i shld be able to accumulate a decent amt of money for a very small shopping spree or something. for this weekend, i'll be totally digressing from my study plans coz im fully booked by ppl for various outings. oh no! but ah well, i guess i'll work doubly hard next week. shall stay in sch wif chaoshun, pengpeng they all till late late to finish up any spillover revision. weeeeeee~

im a sensible girl and im proud of it.

nuances

2005-10-05T22:30:00.000+08:00

am i tinking too much or did * deliberately kept appearing in places where im situated? somehow, i sensed something fishy.. and my intuition usually doesnt go wrong.

preparation for A levels starts nice and proper. got everything mapped out until my very last paper. IM ALL READY FOR E BATTLE BABY!!!

i realised my bdae is coming. oooooh, how fast. but so sad.. its right after Deepavali and right before Hari Raya. and e A levels are going on!!!! bleah. eve and fidz have oredi decided to celebrate after e As. so im gonna spend a very lonely bdae this day. elaine who coincidentally is born a day before me, shares e same fate. i shall go n whine to her everyday.

if u dunno wat to get, i tink i'll appreciate shopping vouchers e most. sounds practical... but hey, i love shopping! esp. for clothes... wahaha. and saves ppl e trouble of finding my presents too. as well as e awkwardness of telling wat what i wan when they asked me wat i wan for my bdae. seriously, anything will do.... EXCEPT FOR HUGGABLES! no soft toys, no plushies, no cushions unless you're toking bout MOGU cushions. coz i simply have no place to put them nor have any use for it. e onli thing i hug is my boyfren, friends, family, my bolster and MOGU cushions. ^.^

kong blah blah. how come i dun seem to be getting any thinner?

anyway, e sch engaged some makeup professionals to come today to offer some workshop on makeup. i tink it's for prom. how cool can it be? haha. its actuali encouraging us to be vain. or mebbe they tink JJ girls are probably gonna ruin the grad nite with hideous eyeshadows, gaudy lipcolor and all so they had to get ppl to salvage a potentially destructive night. and ya, im going wif deniece and elaine! i hope its of use tho. 25 bucks leh... Deniece says it'll be quite useful for work, which is quite true lor so i decided to go for it.

my sister finally returned me money. yay~

reflections

2005-10-04T01:29:00.000+08:00

i realised how lucky i am. no matter how hardup my family might be, or how much we had to go thru, we love each other and thats all i need to know. i dun need to have the best of everything, to have e most branded apparel or to eat e nicest food, because i have the best home to go back to everyday. the love we shared need not be spoken out, but we all know its there. it may be flawed, it may be imperfect but at least we are aware of it. i love my family, i know they love me too. i hope this love of mine is able to forgive whateva imperfections inherent of the love we have for each other. i'll take note of e lil things i can do to make my loved ones feel betta if only for juz a few moments. i'll take care of my own temper to make my home a more pleasant one. i'll be a good daughter, a sensible sister and a decent homemaker. come what may, i'll face it with a brave front and fight with my mightiest. i'll not let anything destroy my family portrait. with wateva little strength i have, i make sure i do my part and i pray that my family will do e same as well. there may be times when i may back down from e pain, but i'll survive...

it is only through difficult times that true love shows. e tribulations that ppl encounter are enuff to drive one over e edge, but im glad for e kinship and ties that run deep which make it so much easier to bear through. u may tink that some ppl are juz a thorn in e flesh and u juz cant bear e sight of them, but when hardship surfaces, they may be e first ones who render a helping hand.

i have learnt never to take things for granted because i've experienced a fair share of obstacles and difficulties. and i once again remind myself that, besides that, i must also cherish wateva i have for now. even tho it may be gone in e near future, i shld be happy dat it existed for a short, beautiful time. i am very contented with what i have now and i shld not be hungering for too much because all that could be gone in one fall swoop, who knows.

tho this never occurred directly to my family, it has impacted us all e same. we feel and empathise with wateva they are going thru. we may be borders away from each other, but wateva they are experiencing have taught us very important values to keep in mind. it has taught me bout trust, kinship, transcience and alot more.

i love my family, my friends. there is so much more i could have written but i doubt i can encapsulate everything within the mere capacity of words. i dun tink i made any reasonable sense from e lack of context revolving e contents, but well, its juz some thoughts that i need to get out of my head and to whomever is reading this.

dear friends, i hope u guys reflect on your own life as well.

series

2005-10-02T22:16:00.000+08:00

friday
went to fidz house to have a movie marathon! weeeeet~ we binged on KFC and ice cream, effectively breaking my vow of sticking to Atkins diet. but anyway, i was almost too bloated to move around. we watched Kill Bill. initially it was very gory and i shrunk back to e furthest end of my chair. i swear that eve was almost laughing at my expression. but afterwards, it became very amusing instead... coz limbs were chopped off, heads slashed away, scalps skinned in a fashion of blood fountains and funny expressions of pain. mebbe i was too traumatised earlier on, so i was abit 'xiao' to tink dat it was a laughable matter.

later on, we watched american pie. it was so hilarious!!!!!!! all dat sex jokes n whatnot.. anyway, i so wish to have a campover at fidz house again. we can paint each other's nails again and do crazy stuff.

and i am super super super agonised to declare that i have overshot the 50kg mark, after being under that number for 17 years!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!! considering i haben been growing much vertically, i shldnt be piling on weight as well! oh no.......

saturday
went to chinatown wif elaine to get e stuff for earrings. spent another bomb lor... total fixed costs. hai. muz recover everything back!!!! then we went to meet chaoshun at orchard. gave him a pleasant surprise by conspiring wif elaine to bluff him dat she's not coming, onli to pop outta nowhere at Watsons to give him a shock of his life. then we headed to Far East to see prom stuff. i saw this gown dat i totally love at Aristles? (or wateva e shop name is). it was a tube gown... wif a gradual spectrum of e rainbow colours. it so totally fits CHRYSALIS! but it was a whooping $229 lor. no go.

then we went for STOMP! gosh, it was kickass! hafta thank elaine's dad for this treat. each ticket was more than 100 bucks lor, so me and chaoshun were flabbergasted when we found out. shall get something back for him in return. anyway, it was a great showdown. i had my toes tapping to all e rhythms thru-out e show. and being me, i had to break e rules by taking a few shots of e performance, and even managed to get a video of e drummers in e air. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOL! everything was so well-coordinated and creative. both a visual and audio feast!

after dat, me and chaoshun got on our way home. we were at Citylink Mall and i had to answer e call of nature. i went to a ulu toilet, and i chanced upon a couple having sex in e cubicle! eeeeeeeeeee. i din see anything, but from e way their shoes were situated (facing each other and with onli a 2cm gap between them), it was obvious that they were either kissing or doing something intimate. but i nv suspected dat they were oredi at e extreme until i heard e very recognisable moans of climaxing that i heard on American Pie! yuck....... i was so disgusted lor, dat i quickly finished my thing and got out. told chaoshun bout it and immediately regretted not banging on their door or throwing water over e cubicle walls to make e couple embarrassed haha. ppl nowadays must be so desperate...

sunday
boring! i did nutting except for making earrings. it was so boring coz i had to make 12 pieces of e same thing, and it din help dat it was e chandelier design. so now my table is full of unpieced metal bits and beads... and did i mention that i haben done my GP? holla...

oh!!!!!!!!!!!! and i found *'s friendster. weeeeeeeeeeeeee~ can u imagine my happiness? haha. no la... not so exaggerated. i comtemplated if i shld make friends with him, and managed to garner enuff courage to do so after 10 mins of staring at e screen. haha. im such a hopeless person.

going swimming wif fidz tml! im gonna wear my bikini into e competition pool... time to furnish myelf with a to-kill tan for grad nite as well as to tone my muscles and scrap fat! they betta not pull me out for wearing inappropriate attire haha.

ahhh graa

2005-09-29T22:55:00.000+08:00

thankfully e fuss bout e grad nite tix have been kinda settled. i was close to breaking down over e whole thing la. initially our gang agreed to go together, then a few decided that we shld sit wif e class. then another few wanted to book e seats early so that we could get a good table, but e class ppl had to wait till e last min to make their decisions. as a result, alot of ppl were unhappy bout it and e blame undoubtedly landed on my head even tho i wasn't liable for anything.

dammit. i got my GP paper. toopid KONG BAH BAO!!!!!!!!! he failed me for my paper 2 la!!!!!!!!!!! wat e hell... 23/50. all except for one A5ian failed, while S3 passed everything. wah lao, i was so pissed. juz look at e disparity. HE SHLD BE SACKED. PERIOD. wer got gp teacher mark liddat one? he credited marks when he's not supposed to and he doesnt when he is. crap. even mrs r is superbly agonised at his slipshod way of working. these marks betta not be going to e MOE as a benchmark for a A levels, or else i'll juz bang my head against e wall and die. i tink it was my best paper yet, but e marks dat came back were horrible. even paper 1 was a disaster. im not ashamed to say that it deserved at least a 32 mark because i addressed everything appropriately and coloured it with wonderful language. i was almost dying when i finished e paper, sapped of brain juice and hand strength. but dear Mr Chan aka Barcode decided to hate me and commented that my paper was "mundane and uninspiring"! at first i was so outraged, but it turned to mirth when i found out that everyone else had e same comments. look who's e mundane one now. but anyway... instead of marking my script as it is and crediting me for e way i manipulated my stuff, HE QUESTIONED WHAT I WAS TRYING TO DO when i made everything so obvious and clean-cut. BULLSHIT! i am so terribly frustrated. tho i got a 30/50, which was oredi better than wat e rest of e class got, i still tink that i was shortchanged. all these shitty discrepancies for our big paper! WAT E HELL LA!!!

so much for trying to be a 'rising star of Jurong'.

got back paper 8 as well. got a 59%... which is below my average but i guess i fully deserve it coz i misread one of e pieces. but i was quite pleased for e drama piece... which salvaged my script from e doldrums. a 31.5/50! mmm mmm. my chinese lit was not bad as well. i got 71/100! weeeee. so happy... but i was dragged down by e language component. but overall, its a B or a C la... not bad la not bad.. as for Econs, i onli have my MCQ for now. 14/30! fail........... expected la. so im praying that paper 2 and paper 3 will pull it up...

i look as pale as a ghost. and fair too. i need to go tanning badly.

***********************************************************

ludicrity

2005-09-28T01:02:00.000+08:00

im convinced that im fat. i shall be a 100% vainpot from now on, and be very conscious of what i eat, how i eat, when i eat.

impetus for doing so? *gathers all my courage and tries bestest not to laugh*

i was in lt3 with chaoshun today. he played e piano while i sat at e teacher's table at e front. i sang 'fen shou di qi tian' and when i finished, i got very excited and kinda moved around on dat small surface area of e table. incidentally, there was a glass pane that covered e computer monitor below very near my butt, and as i shifted around, my itchy butt had to land on that glass pane and not surprisely, it couldnt withstand my weight even tho it was like 1 cm thick and it shattered into a million pieces. I SWEAR IT DID NOT JUZ BREAK... IT SHATTERED! very nicely splintered as well... u could hear e crackling of glass in e echoes of e lt la... not a single "piang" but a multitude of "ping ping ping piang piang".

i cant help laughing at e ridiculous scene of it all. on my way to report it to e OM, i juz kept laughing to myself nonstop and e ppl in e canteen were positively puzzled at this siao char bo laughing to herself. luckily e OM din pursue it any further la... i tot he might make me pay for it or even make me do public detention for singing in e lt and breaking e glass pane as a result.

anyway, i tink my appetite is decreasing, dun feel like eating as much as before. i tink im overspeculating but i tink i might have an eating disorder. even tho my stomach is reeling with hunger, i dun feel like eating. and when i do force myself to eat, i feel like puking it all out. i look in dismay at all e food in e canteen and hardly feel any urge to indulge in tastebud pampering. its good in a way that it helps me to slim down, but i dun wan it to become an unhealthy thing. im not dat kinda ppl to take it to the extreme. besides, im dieting juz so that i can keep in shape as well as to instill confidence bout myself.... not to minimise my body mass to bones n skin. i tink that kind of figure is juz plain disgusting... look like Corpse Bride lor. i used to be quite comfortable wif having a lil excess of flesh but ever since i couldn't fit into my clothes and jeans, my self-esteem started to roll downhill and i decided dat slimming down is a betta option. its not reali an issue of image or what la.. dun be mistaken...

haben gotten back any papers except for chinese. and even so, its juz a language component. im not so worried for lit coz Mr Lee said i did quite well. im kinda scared for my GP and econs tho. heard from andrew that onli 10% of e whole cohort passed. even he din make e grade so im wondering where would i actuali stand? =( for econs, i have oredi perused my MCQ paper... not much hope la. e highest i can get is probably 20/30, which is kinda sucky. *shrugs* dunno how to study smart for these papers. i feel as if im oredi at my peak. all i can do is learn e basics, which i tink i have oredi grasped very well, read e lecture notes, do exercises, consult teachers. other than that, it'll hafta depend on my application ability and higher order skills. like what mrs razal said, im not an intelligent student but i compensate by being extra hardworking. now whats left is whether my hard work will get to pay off or go down e drain...

izzit a good thing not to feel stressed? mebbe subconsciously i am feeling e pressure but outwardly, im quite composed. looking at my friends around me, they seem to be freaking out bout their results and future preparation for e A levels. but i still dun feel e heat leh!!!!!!! no doubt im in a study mode, but hmm.. juz feels weird la. or perhaps it'll set in later and i'll regret wateva i said now. bleah.

good luck everyone!!!!!

a big shoutout!!!!!!!

2005-09-26T21:49:00.000+08:00

to all of my frenz who got back their prelim papers. good job if u guys have done well but if u haven't, pls dun be too upset over it. if it is anything, it is merely a wakeup call to tell u that either u haven't been studying hard enuff or that u haben been studying smart. so grab hold of e remaining time to rectify any mistakes u have. cry if u have to, but do get over it soon and start to prepare for your A levels! and always rmb dat my shoulders are here to for u to lean on and my sleeves for u to cry with. love u guys... jia you... dun give up juz yet~

haben got back any papers yet. graaaaa. so frustrating. but i oredi have an inkling that my Lit Paper 8 aint gonna be fantastic coz mrs razal said nobody got more than 30 marks. and she commented dat we were toopid to choose e poem to analyse, me being one of them. sheeeeee-it.

im on Atkins diet now, meaning low carbo and lots of fruit/veggie. and i gonna hit e pool/tracks/gym at least once a week to get e muscles toned, all ready for grad nite. e tix are on sale now... so excited la!!!!!!! and i realised that after e prelims ended, e spots on my face are gradually disappearing, which is good. ^.^ but i'll hafta be careful during the A level period as well... ga.

din manage to make alot of earrings coz my sis din confirm e orders yet. went out wif fir to jp... and i broke my fast by eating LJS chocolate cream pie. last time i din like it but now i tink its real goood. oh, and i found out dat shishi got dengue fever. so suay... hope she gets well la. anyway... i was toopid enuff to give all my coins to fir for him to go home. and my coins almost amounted to $2 plus... see wat i said bout being too nice and too toopid to throw my money away?

too much time on my hands

2005-09-26T00:08:00.000+08:00

actuali i shld be rushing e earring orders now, but ah... i got carried away with surfing e net whilst taking a break. went to cut my hair at Boon Lay upon hearing dat CLEO's free haircut at Ginrich is oredi fully booked. pls dun laugh when you see me in sch k?

the Photoshopping of e photos we took on Friday nearly killed me. i had to resize everything and readjust e brightness and contrast of those that were too dark. and e photos were at least 1MB each!!!! oh well, dats e horror of buying such a good quality cam. but im glad dat e photos turned out great, colour, resolution and all.

was looking at my bro's friend's autograph book. i was vividly reminded of my own childish book. i even had Golden Rules such as "Do not tear any pages! $1 for each page torn!" and "minimum 1 page, maximum 5 pages. Please write on both sides!" so childish right?

my new timetable is super sucky. i onli have GP on monday, and 4 hours breaks in between for Tues and Wed, and full days for Thurs and Fri with as lil as one break for e whole of e day. grrrrrrr.

* appeared in another of my dreams again! and he's wearing dat orange OGL tee again... haha. as always...

im so slack now. no homework to do. nutting to revise for now. not used to it. shall cut short my stipulated break of one week to juz one weekend. will start mugging TOMORROW!!!!!!!!

JUZ KIDDING HEHE! chaoshun, please dun come chasing after me with a parang...

drumrollllllllllllll

2005-09-25T01:44:00.000+08:00

e prelims are officially over! actuali, its 2 days overdue. its juz dat ive been playing ever since i handed up my paper 8 script to come n update... all in all, i tink i worked pretty hard for this exam. i guess it shld be a benchmark for my current standard lor. im pleased with some papers, and disappointed with others, but i guess i put in my best effort for now. so i'll be waiting eagerly for e results of my papers... grrrrrrrrr...

we hit town yesterday!! went to sing at Partyworld again and took lotsa lotsa pics wif e new cam. last time we went without elaine, but this time around wif her, its so fun! got exposed to alot of english songs instead of juz cheena-pop haha. actuali dey planned to go clubbing but i had some reservations so it impeded e plans. firstly, im underaged and i dun wanna be caught violating e rules. rules r meant to be broken but its juz not very glam to be seen being chased out by e bouncers and dragging ur frenz into e water as well. secondly, i have wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy overspent. tho i've received orders for earrings, i've yet to collect payment and im oredi borrowing money to spend during my outings. i owe alot of ppl money lor... that's one guilt im bound to feel everytime i go out.

so we decided to go pubbing instead. andrew introed us to this cool place at marriott hotel.... u can smell smoke but i guess its betta than e regular clubs, where elaine says its so pervasive that u cant even see ur own face. its a reali nice place to chill out, altho we onli drank draft beer due to budget restraint... and we kept teasing pengpeng for not drinking his beer and constantly stoning. so guai... mummy's boy! haha. if im still active past my bedtime, i'll get super hyper after e initial fatigue so i was reali high last night as e streets started to liven up and all. wahoo! e A levels juz seemed eons away!!!! chaoshun was possessed by e modelling ego coz he was totally in a supermodel mode yesterday with all dat catwalk and poses, then we made him model after some ads in e underpass... very nice!!! i muz reali thank them for e very enjoyable night! and especially to Elaine, for buying me e sweet earrings and to Andrew for "alleviating" my financial constraints.

took e NiteOwl home... thankfully i din meet any perverts that e police warned of recently. then today i went out again to Chinatown to get my materials for e earrings. spent close to 50 bucks lor........ so expensive. and i was quite pissed off coz some essentials were outta stock and i couldn answer to e buyers. i can onli hope that dey accept a new design or wait till e new stock comes... which e shopowners dun even noe when as well. $%*&#!!!!! and i was almost foolish to be conned by e price disparity in different shops. i bought some ornaments at one store for 3 bucks that went for onli $1.90 at another. wah lao........... next time muz check properly, if not kena cheated.

me and deniece entered for e KFC Favourite Moment contest. today i went to develop e photos coz tml's e dateline so i had to opt for e express service. went to Kodak and paid like $7.60 for onli 6 photos (60c per pc and $4 service charge coz its under 20 prints). onli to find out that Konica offered to print for 50c per pc with no extra charge!!!!!!!!! I FELT SO CHEATED LA! if dat wasnt enuff, they dirtied e developed photos and i had to go back again to have it reprinted. so i waited a total of 1 hr 45 mins. i noe im a very patient person but they dun hafta waste my time liddat ma.... but i made use of e time in between to go to e boutiques to try on clothes. which was a fatal mistake coz i juz love e clothes that i tried on and am itching to buy it..... =( can onli wait till i have saved to at least 300 bucks before i pamper myself again.

anyway, i realised that i cant hold my notes for long... im pretty sure i sounded horrible at Partyworld but they were too nice to comment. haha. oh well..

change o plans

2005-09-21T23:18:00.000+08:00

yippeeeeeeee! with credit to my sis, i sold a total of $111.70 worth of earrings!!! at least that's e orders for now la. i din noe dat e earrings would sell so hard. alot of them bought e chandelier earrings... which means im gonna make earrings till my fingers bled themselves dry. haha. gonna replenish my materials this sat to get preped for a weekend of twisting metal loops and designing jewellery. i was so encouraged by e sales that i suddenly had this grand ambition of developing it into a small business of sorts, mebbe go online or something. i was tinking bout it all thru my shower, and i figured its a good way to go to earn some easy cash. whoooo! im so excited! but it won take off anytime soon due to my A levels.. mayhaps after that, i'll revamp my sales tactics and get ready to establish my lil jewellery empire. haha. mebbe in my dreams la..

2 more days to temporary freedom! i shall be unleashed from e cage wif e whip of e wind (alliteration sia.. in preparation for Paper 8 on fri...) and plonk into party mood! tml's Econs paper 1 and 2, which is my most dreaded segment. argh... aint studying much for it coz i dun wanna peak so early (no la, actuali its juz an excuse...). haha. i have totally slacked off after today's killer. 3 full hours of drowning in a sea of chinese characters and black pen ink. im so glad its over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHICH MEANS I CAN GO TO PARTYWORLD!!!! and mebbe do a lil shopping/pampering with CLEO's 11th bdae card... since i gonna make a killing wif e earrings. but i won splurge la... muz spend wisely. after this lil outing, muz concentrate fully on exams. no more hangouts wif peeps after that one week of pure enjoyment =( that's a rule to myself...

i wanna watch The Myth and Be With Me. but e latter is M18!!!!!!!! grrrrrr. recently, i have been studying at imm and they kept playing e trailers n MTVs of The Myth for publicity, so i've been reali tempted to catch it. e theme song is especially nice! actuali i juz love e korean chorus la... i feel so moved n teary after seeing e MTV every single time. and im so enamoured by Stairway To Heaven. yea yea, another romantic korean drama... but oh well, i cant help being a sucker for romance. bleeeeeeeeeeeeee....

i binged on chocs today, and im not supposed to. mebbe its coz i saw * at e rooftop cafe, and i practically breathed e same air as him for close to 5 hours. wakaka. imdyingofexasperation. so i remedied that with Kinder Bueno and Cadbury Choclairs, which came in e best flavour yet... RAISIN RUSH! im so in love with it... and ya, i offered one to * oso. haha. lalala. anyway, something happened after that; its juz a trivial thing but i cant help reading more into it hehe. wanna noe what's that? not telling you... wahaha. oh, serena accompanied me after deniece left and introed me to Lexus cheese crackers, which is superbly nice. i bet Chaoshun's mouth is positively drooping to e ground with saliva now... haha. next time i treat u k?

mebbe i've been sitting for too long while i mug. coz im having rashes on my most valuable asset......... my butt. OF ALL PLACES RIGHT????!!!!! argh....

e waters of Jurong East Swimming Pool awaits with a welcoming embrace for my plunge tomorrow... wahooooooooo~

bitching

2005-09-21T00:09:00.000+08:00

me and sis bitched bout sucky bfs and sucky admirers who use the lousiest of tactics to woo girls. surprisingly, we found out (WOW!) that Singapore Poly guys have e worst kinda girl-wooing techniques. and most amazingly, me n sis had admirers from SP who used e exact same tactics. is dat shameless or what?

ever since i changed my display pic in friendster, i've been receiving junk mail from superficial guys again. -_-" for now, i juz click on "REJECT" for every single random friend request to save time.

tml's chinese A. i haben finished studying what im supposed to study even tho i spent a grand total of close to 50 hours (10 days X 5 hours). i was looking at my promo papers last yr, and i was so shocked to see that actuali got 75/100 for it! a fat "A" for chinese! but i figured it won be possible this time... i gave up on 2 topics. hopefully, Lady Luck will see that i have been a good girl nowadays and let e topics i've studied to come out. im feeling real stressed out now... even tho i'll be able to pass quite nicely with abit of luck. its juz that i din finish e entire syllabus, and tinking that there may be a possibility of obsolete questions, i keep worrying over it.

i could jolly well go to sleep wif e present capacity of knowledge, but i juz need e security la..... boohoo. now im trying to relieve stress by playing VOS and blogging... which apparently din help alot...

kor is at e airport now, flying to Brunei tonight for a training stint in the army. BON VOYAGE AND COME HOME SAFELY!!!!!

this is a must-tell. yesterday i dreamt of * and fir together. so funny... they were dancing in a performance (and i saw Ruth from Project Superstar oso). i met * in e supermarket, and i was super excited bout it in e dream. then i went to sneak a peek at e performance and saw fir there too. obviously, fir danced nicer la... and he was wearing this chest-baring white long sleeve shirt. wah... * wore a modest grey tee... couldn rmb much, but i juz feel very amused by e dream la. hehehe.

whoa, i got fan mail. no la.. juz a commment of praise from an anonymous reader. i din tink that such a boring blog would garner any attention in e first place. heck... i din even bother with e blogskin and all i did was to post anecdotes of my life... but to whoever it is, i appreciate it ^.^

friday pls come asap. speaking of which, my plans to go Partyworld wif e gang is thwarted. i overspent this week... and i feel very angry at myself for that. muz save muz save... =( cannot go out anymore.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........

don't want to be here

2005-09-19T22:03:00.000+08:00

the rain's falling, im feeling cold
there's nowhere else that i can go
stranded in a state so painful
im being murdered blow by blow

you stab me with knives in my back
and killed the innocence of my truth
all was stolen of what i once had
left me alone, watched me bled

i don't want to be here
living in gaps, living in dread
why do i feel guilty of existing?
i don't want to be here
under your stare, under their glare
all i wan is to live again...

monologue

2005-09-19T12:40:00.000+08:00

im in sch and i finished my paper 4! weeeee. its e longest paper 4 paper i've ever written... 7 sheets of paper!!! beat that...

i dun understand how some ppl can be so jolly selfish without realising that they are at fault. TO YOU: if u wan something, ask for it nicely. nobody owes u anything so stop acting as if we are your slaves. we dun hafta kowtow to you juz coz u cant find ur uniform. i told u to find it for me if u wan me to iron it. im not ur servant, i certainly dun owe it to u to go around searching for ur elusive uniform. besides, i tried to find it. and u agreed to do it urself but being too busy to watch your anime, u ignored me. so blame nobody for that misfortune. we wish to start our mornings pleasantly, not awakened by some mad ranting. and stop playing victim. if u are in e wrong, u are. stop making everybody else to be the bad guy. even if we are, u correct your own wrongs before u head on to tok bout others. u owe ur own conscience to do so.

so sick and tired of saying it over n over again. but can i help it when it always falls on deaf ears?

yesterday, mummy treated e family to Baystreet 21 yesterday. been binging on good food these days... coz fir treated me to fish and co on saturday. i feel so spoilt. but nvm.. while we were eating, there's this couple who kept looking at us and laughing at our crass manners. but more admittedly, at my blunt remarks. so what if i dun mind my demeanour? at least i dun try and pretend to be someone i am not. if im loud, i'll be loud. there's nutting to laugh at. and so what if my father doesnt know restuarant etiquette? we got nutting to be shameful about. if u're so refined, then mind ur own manners and stop staring so blatantly.

im very angry today. im gonna blast all my complaints right here and now. bear with me.

being nice doesnt mean u can exploit me. i may be stupid for u to make use of me, but i tink ur conscience needs some talking to. i won be so immature to take revenge at u, but i beseech u to be more considerate and kind. just because i din say anything bout your behaviour doesnt mean, i dun mind. its juz that i dun wanna strain our friendship. watch out before u go too far, or i won be kind to u anymore.

deprived

2005-09-17T01:00:00.000+08:00

of sleep. of play. of beauty.

i need manicures and pedicures. not because i want to be pretty but coz they're sooooo weak that they cant grow long without being chipped or flaked. my dead skin is multiplying and i noe nuts bout getting rid of it. looks like a mini-disaster zone to me.

yay. its e end of the week. juz one more week to temporary freedom. right after our lit paper, we're gonna crash PARTYWORLD! weeeeeeeeeeet.

i've been quite self-obsessed of late, coz i keep taking pictures of myself. i stored loads of it in the new digicam, but e prob is... i dunno how to upload it. ^.^ how dumb. i shld learn how to upload photos onto my blog, coz its reali quite boring and tasteless. but im such a lazy bum that i keep putting it off in e excuse of exams and schwork. no more procrastination when prelims are over! smack me if i do.

according to cs's blog, snoozing is great for slimming down. so unconsiously, i've been shedding weight every morning but i guess its not enuff. mebbe i shld set my alarm at 4am and snooze until 7am. wahaha. that'll make a substantial amount of cell death. went to e gym today wif deniece n chaoshun... bah!!! i realised i've developed arm muscles!!!!!!!!! EEEEEKS! u noe, that kinda bulging ones? eeeeee yer... i dun like. ever since i joined netball, that has been my onli regret.... of having very prominent arm muscles. looks very rough on a girl's body.. next time go gym, dun put weights liao... or mebbe i shld go swimming instead of going to e gym.

cs got me thinking. what's e point of a blog when you can't freely express your thoughts? even xiaxue's blog is being monitored by MICA, and two bloggers were arrested for making racist remarks. i mean... i don't condone any disparaging comments or shallow criticism, in fact i quite dislike their way of looking at things. but look, i respect their right to speak up. its juz a personal complaint.. why take it up to such levels as to censor every word you say? its juz a racist remark, it doesnt amount to actions right? i mean, certainly there are ppl out there who are definitely racist but its juz that they din speak up in a public domain. censoring these remarks doesnt equate to the complete eradication of racist sentiment. its true we have to be a gracious society, but admit it la... not everyone can conform to the standards of graciousness. some ppl are juz plain selfish and superficial... so juz let them be la. let their mouths rot in hell lor...

as for me, i initially wanted to keep this blog unknown, onli bound to ppl who surf randomly. but now that i let ppl read my blog, i feel kinda restricted in what i can actualli say. there's alot of things i cannot whine about or criticise for fear of being slammed for being inconsiderate, but like i said, its juz personal opinions. it doesnt mean that i translate it into actions. nobody is an angel... im sure everyone has their own selfish thoughts, its juz a matter of voicing it out or not. but for now, i guess i'll hafta keep my opinions to myself. everyone and everything is juz too tricky to trust....

hola. tml firdaus treating me to fish n co after my study spree with eve. wah, my virgin tryst at that restuarant. suaku right?

running outta money. anybody care to donate to Applie's Relief Fund?

hiccups

2005-09-15T23:03:00.000+08:00

im arrested by hiccups in between verses of "Yuan Lai Ni She Me Dou Bu Xiang Yao" by Ah Mei...

something freaky happened today. as u see, i was about to have a chicken-slaughtering singing session in e bathroom during my shower. i cleared my throat and juz when i started to sing, IT RAINED!!! ok... nutting too serious yet... but when i hit the high note, THERE WAS THUNDER!!!!! then now, i cant sing anymore. some uncles up there muz be conspiring to rob my newly found prowess away...

no paper tml! thats why im slacking away right now. studied at e rooftop juz now, and saw *!!!! gagagaga... i couldnt concentrate for one whole hour. onli after e butterflies settled down, did i start to absorb those chinese characters into my brain. told u it seems as tho im seeing him everywhere i go liddat. anyway, serena came n joined me at 3+... she's such a talkative girl, but very nice to crap with haha. i adore her to bits coz i can be childish with her whereas if i do it in front of my classmates, i'll get weird looks. except for deniece and chaoshun la... who fools around with me too.

my period cramps are super-duperly bad this month. and its e 2nd time this month oredi. e exam stress is screwing up my hormonal balances. =(

paper 1 was okay la. forgot alot of my textual quotes, but the evidence was there. i conjured alot of my own points as well, so i dunno if its relevant or not. juz wanted to fill up 12 pages worth of words.. and i did it! haha..

one more week to go and im freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

feeling insecure these days. feel as if im not doing enuff for my friends. yesterday, elaine was quite upset over her paper but i couldn reali do anything to console her, except to be by her side wherever she went. evelyn's been calling me to complain bout her exam woes, but its like i nv had enuff words to help ease her worries. chaoshun is feeling stressed up over e prelims as well, but i oso have no idea how to help him get over it too. bleah. it sux knowing that ur ability to help is not sufficient. and tho its not likely to happen, i wonder if my friends would take it in a negative light... im getting very paranoid bout this. gaaaaaa. i need lavender...

my entries have been quite random and incoherent. it juz goes to show e state of mind im in...

indulgence

2005-09-13T17:10:00.000+08:00

in my prelims. how nice.

Post Prelims Plans (PPP):
1. go swimming with elaine
2. go out wif eve and fidz
3. go out wif xiaowen
4. go partyworld with chaoshun and peeps
5. go out with firdaus
6. go gymming with deniece
7. go out with (fill in particulars in block letters)
8. go out to (name of activity)
9. go out...

im home early for once. finished my econs essay. ah... i dunno how i'll do. im confident of just one question for now. to tink i studied so bloody hard. =( there's this irresistible urge to feel discouraged and demoralised, but i wont take e easy way out. i'll cope. anyway, i came online to play. and realised i dun reali have anything to play. so sad.

lately, im listening to Symphony 92.40, doing yoga at night, and bathing in lavender bath foam. im doing everything i can to get myself in tiptop condition for e exams. i hope it'll do me good la.

speaking of which, im prone to irritation and frustration so do keep away from me. my tolerance strand is as taut as can be from mugging, so don't try me. i was so surprised that i got pissed even when my sis was packing her stuff when im trying to sleep yesterday night. its all those sounds la.. after those period of isomniac nights, i've developed a super acute sense of hearing that's sensitive to every single earth on earth. i got soooooo stressed up that i almost cried for no reason.

i keep seeing * around. which is good. ^.^

i finally gotten around to watching e repeat telecast of Project Superstar. i look so dumb on tv. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, and my screen debut for ONE MORE CHANCE!!!!! my sis says i kept smiling away, andrew says i look cute (in which i tink means ugly but adorable). and im proud of chaoshun! haha. tho its a short few seconds, i believe it'll lead on to something betta.

im sorry if i sound cliche. i've been counselling so many ppl that it seems as tho im repeating a pre-recorded tape over n over again... my friends are all getting stressed up. i wish i could too, but i can't. no luxury of time... jia you guys! its onli e prelims... you still have e A levels!!! RELAX!!! haha. i dun practise what i preach.

i've been poor too long. i actuali prefer Cremo to Cornetto.

this is bad

2005-09-12T13:44:00.000+08:00

2 down. 8 more to go.

paper 1 was alright. i did another alienated question again... "there is no greater inequality that equal treatment to unequals". i hope i addressed e question correctly la... and lets pray that a fuddy duddy marker will get my script. paper 2, on e other hand, was quite hard. my comprehension was kinda messy, but i guess i scraped thru somehow. but i din finish my AQ... spent too much time on e passage. im a goner!!

mr tan returned us Econs common test. i got a miserable 5/20 for my DRQ. so angry and disappointed. my Econs grades seems to be slippin and slippin even tho i have a betta grasp of my concepts now. i juz dunno how to answer to e point... ARGH!!!! but thankfully, i got 17/25 for my essay la... which was quite okay la... but could have done even betta. overall still fail la... sigh. tml's paper 3 (essay component), i wonder if i can suffice. quite demoralised now even tho i keep telling myself not to get affected.

anyway, im in e sch library taking a break from studying... so im using e sch comp. even faster than my home comp lor....

ciao!

=(

2005-09-09T12:45:00.000+08:00

i've went to e loo 5 times this morning... and now, my asshole is burning wif pain. owww. so i decided to stay home n study instead of going to sch... if not, i'll be waddling to e toilet every half an hour, and considering that e nearest toilet is almost a 2 min walk from the canteen, its not a very desirable option for one who's faced with diarrhoea woes. which is absolutely unhealthy coz im sitting here typing away instead of flipping away at my notes.

im here to boast that i've acquired a very nice tan, not too light and not too dark, after 2 hrs in e pool wif deniece yesterday. it rained in e morning but it was real sunny in early afternoon. good workout too! and elaine made a pact wif me to go swimming everyday after e prelims. weeeet.

i finally could stomach it no longer and told him to stop wateva he's doing and stop hurting us. i hope he gets e message, before i start buying parangs and hacking ppl into pieces. that bitch betta scram far away from my sight. in any case, i felt betta getting it off my chest after toiling wif it for so long. i love my ******. i won let anyone break us up.

feeling kinda disturbed after reading bout Hurricane Katrina. tho its happening halfway around e world, i cant help but feel e extent of e damage done to New Orleans. not so much of e infrastructure but of how it corroded human integrity. i feel like i was watching Dawn of The Dead, when i read in e newspaper that ppl eat dead bodies coz they simply have no food to go around. instead of watching out for each other in e midst of a disaster, they had e audacity to loot, to rob, even to rape in e premises of Superdome, right there where 150000 others were huddled together as death looms around. i cannot imagine how they can tink of doing such things when ultimately, they shld be caring for each other to get thru this ordeal. the newsprint was written in as detached a way as possible, and i wondered how ppl can juz look on, report, publish without an inkling of emotion. from e words alone, i could almost visualise the kind of catastrophe happening in e heart of a global superpower and yet, crimes of all sorts, tangible or otherwise, are happening. e reporters themselves are guilty of ignoring the plight of these ppl as well. seriously, i got no idea how human beings can stoop to this level. the world should really come to an end with e existence of these beasts.

and im not surprised if someone launches a terrorist attack on USA on 9/11. especially when ppl are exploiting each other, killing each other.

meanwhile, back to my apathetic life of mugging... *cringes*

going under

2005-09-07T23:06:00.000+08:00

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. im bugged by flu AGAIN!! grrrrrrrr. of all times. but thankfully, i nipped it in e bud before e onset of fever. went to ngee ann poly to study wif fir... wa, e library soooooo big. a few stories high... and compared with our miserable jj library.... such a stark contrast. of all ppl, we had to bump into his ex gf at e Atrium lor. now i can be prepared for another bout of rumours liao... i oso dun care liao, as long as my conscious is clear. anyway... aishah came over to meet me as well! missed her soooo much. she suggested a class outing during december... weeee, i reali reali hope it'll materialise. haben been in touch wif alot of 2/5ians these recent years... yay, got lotsa plans after e As. gonna party hard! but muz oso find a job to fund my uni fees liao... both my kor n me are enrolling in e same year, so e financial burden is gonna be tremendous. sigh.. very troubling.

tml going to swim wif deniece. it betta not rain!!!!

juz wanna say a big thank u to my study gang, mainly chaoshun, elaine, yingpeng, andrew and sometimes peixuan. they make e mugging sessions so much bearable, though it may be very conducive at times la. home is a horrible horrible place to study so i thank heavens above for blessing me wif such wonderful peeps! and i've got a new nickname by them... APPLE PIE! so goosebump-inducing right? haha... and not forgetting evelyn as well! she's always kind enuff to smuggle me into her club to hog the study room for hours on end and oso treat me to lunch. and she's e onli one i can snack wif w/o feeling guilty.. coz we both have itchy teeth! chocolates and potato chips are a must-have during study sessions.

kor bought a new digicam... panasonic LUMIX!!! weeeee, e Ayumi-endorsed brand. weeet. very clear, and e video is especially shiok. but with that, all my facial blemishes would be "yi lan wu yi" oredi. haha.

i was telling fir that, i dun wan my kids to grow up like e typical chinese kid, spoilt and pampered. i wan them to have a "malay-style" childhood, whereby they can run around without me having to keep an eye on their every move to make sure that they dun fall down or anything. i saw 2 lil malay boys running on grass without their shoes on their own, while their daddy is eating at e foodcourt. they look so carefree, so unafraid of e dirt or bugs lying around. then i saw 2 other kids who were chinese. and they were sitting with their mother, being spoonfed and all. i dun wan my kids to grow up like us chinese, paranoid over everything. i rather them have a fulfilling childhood not packed with tuition classes or enrichment courses at e expense of academic excellence. i reali regret being stuck in this rigid education system of Singapore. no doubt, it makes scholars and achievers outta us but its forgoing alot of other things as well... like happiness, pursuing dreams, nurturing innate talent. at e end of e day, we juz become ppl with a scrap piece of paper for a degree, and we're constantly judged on that piece of junk everywhere we go. sorry but its not my cup of tea. however, im oredi caught in e cogs of e wheel so i can onli go on wif this miserable way of life i have, or else i'll end up wif nutting. e best i can do is to make sure that my offspring doesnt go e same way as i do. and this reali helps to nurture e kinda of attitude we have when we grow up. the chinese are so self-centered and apathetic while e malays care for brotherhood, loyalty and kinship.

sigh. back to mugging...

emotionally advised

2005-09-03T21:40:00.000+08:00

title of maia's debut album. sounds like a good catch but i won be buying it coz im so broke. my bank account has fallen below e 100 dollar mark... which is real real bad. muz get my sis to sell my earrings liao... and MDC haben mailed me my pay for e acting job in One More Chance. oh ya, e movie's out... go catch it ya? its very moving...

one more week to prelims... AHHH!!! a few ppl have been telling me not to do too well for prelims, coz that'll be peaking too early. but i dunno leh... i dun wanna get demoralised by my results. doubly stressed now... bah. can't wait to get my A levels over and done with.. hope you guys are coping well too~ i got back my GP mock prelim. quite satisfactory i guess. 32.5 for paper 1 and 30 for paper 2. somehow i feel as if i've oredi reached my maximum potential

i've decided that, it'll be quite impossible for me and fir to get together again. attraction's there but i guess we'll juz run into problems again coz till now, we still dun quite agree with each other. haha. been toking to him on e phone at night.. and it won be ideal la. besides, both of us are fancying others oso. hehe. so we shall juz stay as good buddies for now.

let's call my admiree * la. im getting quite fond of him by e day, partly coz i keep seeing him. esp. during night study programme. e best we could do is to wave to each other, smile or acknowledge with a nod. well, at least it makes mugging more bearable haha... got incentive to study harder since i got eye candy as reward. other than that, im not harbouring other thoughts la.

yay, weilian is our SUPERSTAR!!!! i got nutting against kelly (in fact, she did betta than him in e finals) but i tink Weilian is more deserving. he's one of a kind whereas Kelly is quite like e typical popstar. anyway, it was great going to the Indoor Stadium to watch e show. and we sat so near to e stage summo! but e experience was marred by some immature ppl in e fanclub. me and my sis were cheering for weilian, but she being a kelly supporter, decided to spite us by doing alot of naive actions and dishing out sarcastic and biting remarks bout Weilian. i cant be bothered really... juz treat her as a fly buzzing around. good thing is, she pissed her own frens off too. haha, serves her right. i voted more than 10 times for Weilian... thank goodness it din go to waste ^.^

it still hasn't stopped. am i to keep on pretending nutting's happened and let e hatred gnaw away at me? e longer it drags, e worse it gets...

those were e days

2005-08-31T23:16:00.000+08:00

happy teacher's day! love all my teachers to death...

i went back to css today. wah... i missed e sea of blue, in contrast to e sea of mud in jj. so many memories, so many things have changed and yet so many things stayed e same. i saw a few friends and i miss him alot. miss phoon say i fat liao( T_T) but she tried to lessen e blow by saying i look nicer this way. ok, i shall be a good student and believe her. stayed for e concert and missed e rowdiness of it all. i compare it to JJ's concert, and realised that JJ's paled in comparison in terms of spirit. most of the j2s were positively dead and gone... so much for enthusiasm. in CSS, there were constant whoops and yells to cheer (or to sabo ppl) regardless whether e performance was nice or not. everyone was spontaneous and participating in some way... i was sitting at e back with e teachers and they were laughing so much. so different from way e jj teachers responded to our own concert. mebbe we're all jaded and skeptical now that we have grown up, or we're juz too lazy to bother.

yay, i love my cookies and im glad ppl loved it too! ^.^

going to gym is good. it makes u feel good bout urself. somehow, after a workout, i feel instantly slimmer. it muz be some psychological factor coz it cant possibly be true. everytime i go home after gym, i'll look at e mirror when i bath and i'll nod wif approval. but mebbe after 3 days after dat, i'll start frowning again. haha... now i have one more dimple. it popped out of nowhere. i tink its coz of e fats on my cheeks... and it juz so happens that there's an indentation. YAY! haha. evelyn told me that my papa muz have a buttchin (coz i have one...) or else he's not my real father. but no leh... its my mama who has it. so how??!!

studying has juz become another routine. its slowly setting in. im probably on what mr ng claims as 'second wind'. its juz like running in a marathon... e initial journey is bound to be tough but once u adapt to the climate and conditions, ur body will become more comfortable and u can cruise on from there. im comfortable wif my pace of studying la... dunno bout e cruising part tho. haha. i see others sticking on their feathers and preparing to soar, whereas im still choosing my feathers. i feel as if im studying alot but learning nutting leh. EH HOW!!! haha.

heard some creepy stuff bout jjc lecture theatres. now im very very very freaked out.

The Emaciation of Applie

2005-08-28T00:46:00.000+08:00

yea! GRAD NITE is gonna be held at Suntec this year! whoohoo... thank goodness for e synthetic field. this is e onli time im grateful for e lao ya field we have in good old JJC. its been bald in some parts, and with our constant feeding of flour and soap, it has officially withered off and died. therefore, the need for a new field, yippee! so in preparation for that, i shall be dieting very consciously from now on and diligently keeping to my exercise regime. its barely the A levels yet, and im oredi tinking of post-As activities. hahaha.. BUT I DUN CARE~ i shall then treat it as an incentive to work reali hard so that i can go partayyyyyyyy after that~

being single can be quite worrisome. i find that im looking out for guys too easily. haha. coz recently, i've been taking note of this guy in sch. i knew him by name since last year la... worked together a few times for some sch programmes but until till a few weeks ago, i started to notice him more. and his presence is somehow, dunno whether by my own hallucination, multiplied as in, he seems to be appearing everywhere i go la. scary... haha. no la, juz find him cute. ^.^juz like how i find alot of my other eye candies cute as well. ladeeda.

fir is single now. and eve says we are being scandalous. NO LOR! i can't help it if e guys i noe love to come to me right after a breakup. but okay la, we do tok on e phone till e wee hours, we do tease each other, we do go out wif each other. cannot meh? scandalous meh???!!!

had GP mock prelim yesterday. i barely pulled thru la.. coz e paper was quite hard. for paper 1 alone, i got stuck a few times... i was hoping to do something on advertising since i wrote quite a good one for my TCA(30/50) but e 2 that came out on this topic juz din seem appealing to me... in e end, i settled for Religion coz e question requirement was relatively easy. it was more of a obligatory choice coz i couldn plan properly for e questions i chose, so in my panic, i juz grabbed whichever question seemed e easiest to me. so im banking on my language lor... coz i wrote it quite literarily... hopefully hopefully i can garner a decent mark for it. paper 2 was not very smooth-going as well. i din even finish my AQ tho i wrote quite substantially... but e first part was more like throwing in snippets of Econs knowledge i have. what! demand for imports, employment, national income... omg, i've been poisoned by Econs liao... anyway, im praying that my comprehension can salvage me from my damnation.

tml going to study at eve's house, then gonna meet up wif deniece to do up e teacher's day gift. currently trawling for ideas and facing a Welfare Fund deficit. shall come up wif something nice and meaningful for our beloved Mrs Razal. reali.. i cant find another teacher betta than her. she's dedicated, motivating and always very positive. tho she may have high expectations of us and it may be tough working under her constant pushing, i am aware she has good intentions and i reali love her for this. she's like the epitome of an ideal woman; i juz totally respect her for that. she's got a family yet she manages her time so well (i.e returning us assignments asap unlike some of her fellow counterparts), she's not young anymore but she'll pass off as anyone of us with her wild yet sensible personality plus e fact that she's so knowledgable and sensitive. whoooooooooooooooo. I LOVE YOU MRS RAZAL!!! not forgetting Mr Tan too! he's reali dedicated as well... and i reali admire him for his commitment to e students. doesnt hurt that he's such an amusing character who has e most witty repartees and cutest body language ever. im so blessed to have them as tutors... ^.^

anyone wans cookies? im gonna bake 'ai xin' cookies for my dear teachers... so i shall grant any willing victims to experiment my creations. i shall not be held liable for any cause of injury or fatality tho.

ow

2005-08-23T22:51:00.000+08:00

im quite sure that i need sleeping pills. its no longer e noises. i dun need to hear sounds to feel scared anymore. coz i get scared FOR NO APPARENT REASON. one night, i tried to sleep with the radio and the lights on. nothing scary, din hear anything fishy but still, the heart seizures came. after trying to bear it down for half an hour, i couldnt take it anymore and went to my parents' bedroom. and i still couldnt sleep. even with the presence of both my parents. i still shivered in cold sweat. i swore that my blood pressure shot up multifold... i desperately thought of good and nice things to wipe out e fear, but everytime i was about to slip into a peaceful slumber, my good thoughts would be erased and replaced with e acute consciousness and fear. either i go to a shrink, or i take sleeping pills. simple as that. since it has nutting to do with spirits watsoever, there's no reason for me to go for divine help aye? dun wanna dabble in so much of spiritual stuff... to some extent, it scares me. i onli go when i reali feel the need to go. if not, i stay away. i dun like e way e gods stare at me. the Kuanyin temple is fine, coz the gods are benevolent. deities, on e other hand, are aggressive and they always always always are painted with piercing eyes set in a fierce look, which is meant to scare off spirits la i guess. but it scared me off too.

evelyn says me and fir still act like a couple. hmm.. i dunno la. its juz an unconscious response on my part to behave however i was behaving la. i oso dunno how to qualify my feelings anymore... whether i still feel for him or what. heck ah. if it comes, it comes. if it happens, it happens. i'll juz be passive bout it and let nature take its course lor. so yea, juz wait and see ba. anyway, i dun deny that toking to him is reali great, being with him is reali fun coz i feel that he's one person whom i feel truly noes me, understands e way i work and such. i guess its e level of interpersonal engagement we had with each other during the 2 and a half years we were together lor... i feel no need to disguise when im with him. im at my most vulnerable when i tok to him, and he understands. this feeling aint mutual wif any other person on Earth. and yes, i do miss e times we shared. still, it doesnt mean im hoping for anything to happen.

haha. im losing weight as quickly as im gaining weight. as long as i stop exercising, e fats will pile on. and as soon as i start, they instantly emulsify. hehehe, so e morale of e story is not to stop exercising. yep... i've been doing sports all my life, so my body starts to wreak havoc once i halt the routine. logical eh? every wed go gym, then do own exercises every weekend.

im downloading every nice song i tink i can sing in preparation for Campus Superstar. hahaha... actuali not reali la. i was tempted to do so ever since my vocals opened up. now im itching for a karaoke session, but NO! no time to do dat... muz spend every waking minute mugging liao. and i crave to dance as well... after watching Masters of Dance on sunday, when i watched fir and other hiphop dance flaunt their stuff at J.E library. wah... damn cool. and now it has aroused my dormant dancing spirit. ahhhhhhhhhh.... lemme dance lemme dance.........

have decided to stay in sch till 7pm every weekday to revise and go out wif evelyn every weekend to revise as well. HAHAHA! I HAVE NO LIFE SIA!!!!! well, thats e way it has to be until e prelims are over. den i'll take a short break before starting to mug again. die die muz do well for prelims... if not, i'll be too demoralised to do anything liao...

a notice was sent to my home today. it was titled CRIME PREVENTION ADVISORY - OUTRAGE OF MODESTY. mmm.. der's a pervert/sex maniac/molester lurking around my neighbourhood. scary... so i should not stay out late anymore. no joking matter... i was traumatised before, so im being extra cautious now. shall equip myself wif a whistle and 'artillery' from now on...

for goodness sake, chaoshun... there's nutting between me and yingpeng. and yingpeng, there's nutting between me and andrew or chaoshun. and andrew, there's nutting between me and chaoshun. i seriously dun understand why u guys wanna portray me as much-sought-after. haha. im onli loyal to weijian ok?????

campus superstar?

2005-08-20T22:10:00.000+08:00

channel u is coming up with a spin-off of Project Superstar specially for sec sch and jc students! haha. me and sis prolly gonna join... juz for e fun of it la. auditions in sept... so close to prelims. hopefully it doesnt clash with anything impt.

yay, weilian is in!!!!!!!!!!! yahooooooo... but xinhui out le =(

its getting more stressful by e day. mrs razal got kinda hard on us yesterday and i felt quite demoralised by her words. deniece, elaine and a few others got kinda affected as well. and im afraid dat der's still more to come... prelims are looming and teachers are rushing us like bullet trains. e days seem to be getting shorter yet e amount of work we hafta do seems to be getting more n more. i was close to snapping at one point, but it wouldnt be appropriate to break down at this point of time... there was too much at stake. so i told elaine, that we'll hafta watch out for each other and encourage each other. same to all my frenz out there, u guys muz hang on! we're in it together, so ALL THE BEST!!!!

yesterday went to town wif fir. hahaha, he oso fat liao... i mean, put on weight la, not reali fat. den he oso laughed at me... sama sama la. it felt good being with him but there was no feelings involved i guess... its juz a level of comfort we have since e past times. he's still lame as ever... and he's so dismissive at my attempts at being likewise, coz he's e ultimate KING. he let me choose e pants he wanted to buy, but most of what i picked, he dint like. haha too bad... den went to eat Pastamania. wah.... e baked rice very very nice.. but they cooked until abit chaota. nevertheless, its still superduper yummy!

yay, i got tix for the grand finals!!!! juz saw it on Weijian's forum!!!!!!!!! yeap!!!!!! most probably la.... yipee!!!!!!! grand event sia...

.

2005-08-18T03:01:00.000+08:00

C and E have another misunderstanding again. i tink this time, it will be e last. i dunno if it's for e betta of em; i certainly hope so. mayhap both of em have taken away something good from e friendship they shared and oso learnt their lessons on how to be a fren. i hope at least, i tried to make things clearer between u guys. all e best to u both... and i love u two.

yay. good news. prom's gonna be at suntec. mmm, i cant wait to finish my exams... 80 days to go...

e last thing i needed was to find out that my yellow Chinese textbook went missing as well. i tink my notebook, Econs notes and text went missing altogether. unless im reali suffering from senile dementia... to e point dat i keep forgetting to take things and worse, forgetting where and when i last placed them. its indeed very worrying...

went to e gym wif deniece, rach and chaoshun. din reali have much of a workout... juz an introductory session and some trials of e machines. i felt like a clown coz i was new there and there were so many ppl around. e instructor kept laughing at me because i looked too extra-ly happy. i almost fainted when the weighing machine stated that i was 53kg. IMPOSSIBLE LA! thank goodness deniece's weight was wrong too...

shit la. e beach shorts i bought juz last month, either shrunk or its because my bottom is ever expanding. i prefer to tink its e former.

Project Superstar was a huge disappointment. i was watching wif deniece at her house and we juz felt so outraged at how it was going. tml, im gonna CHANG PIAN DA LUN bout it in sch wif yingpeng and elaine. so ridiculous and biased lor... cant believe it. e integrity of singing is totally GONE WITH THE WIND. onli HEAVEN KNOWS sia. but anyhow, weilian is oredi a winner in my heart... to hell with e competition. now im pinning my hopes on Xinhui...

i gonna be alright. i will be. because i have to. thank u all who showed me concern. u know who u are. -bows-

outta my mind

2005-08-17T23:33:00.000+08:00

i hope someone takes a gun and blows me into pieces.

alright, sorry. that may be a lil insensitive in this age of daily bombings and K-mart access to shooting sprees.

wateva it is, my life is screwed. too many bad things are happening at too short a time. im tired of trying to maintain e objectivity. i dun wanna be the mature one, e responsible one anymore. i wish i could juz throw my hands up and act like a spoilt brat, crying whenever i cant find a solution or raving when i dun get what i want. without my elder bro, its me in charge. everything's bearing upon me and e worst thing is, i cant breakdown. i cant divulge e secret. every single day, i come home to a whole load of clothes to iron, to hang out, to fold/dishes to wash/a playful brother/an irresponsible sister and piles of homework + revision to finish. the stress is beginning to take its toll. i onli reach home at 6 everyday, and i have that much to clear. even so, i couldnt sleep at night. e stress and fear has manifested itself into isomnia and paranoia.

i realised dat my Production and Cost Theory notes were missing, and despite searching for it a hundred times over, it refused to turn up. i dunno what came over me, but i started to rant at e empty room, demanding that whoever or whatever took my stuff to return it to me. at dat moment, i knew i oredi lost my wits and control. e buildup had culminated to such an extent that it onli took such a trivial matter to trigger this outburst. i felt helpless, angered and reali afraid dat i was going insane. later on dat night, i couldnt sleep again and i juz cried into e darkness. consumed by e paranoia dat was starting to surface after i tried so long to bury, i went to my parents' bedroom in tears. i wouldnt wanna go if i could help it coz i dun like to worry my mama. in e end, i caused her to change e aircon filters coz e noise was frightening to me, to come n sleep wif me in my room, to accompany me. i noe dat its uncalled for, but i felt bloody useless and unfilial.

i told yingpeng and andrew bout e secret after much reluctance. my reins went loose, right there in sch, when i couldnt find my notebook n notes. i was there in LT5 with chaoshun and i 'ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhed' and 'arggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' till he almost freaked out. mebbe i reali acted like a nutcase. i dunno. i juz had to unleash e anguish inside somehow.

everything bout me has gone wrong. im having memory lapses again. im hyper for no reason. i cant sleep. im not sane. i have fallen apart.

chuck me on e shelf

2005-08-13T23:23:00.000+08:00

eve decided to have another craving and this time its durians. so early morning, fidz, eve and i trudged down to Chinatown and ate a total of 4 durians. we stank of durian breath e whole day lor... did a lil gift shopping. e stuffs were sooooo delectable, all oriental and dainty. i fell in love wif e silk evening pouches but i oredi exhausted my spending capacity, so i din buy it... after dat we went to harbourfront to walk round e new addition to e shopping mall. not much diff la... took lotsa spastic photos at Mac. haha...

supposed to meet firdaus to pass him his birthday cookies. but eve and fidz decided to eat up a whole load of it and e jar was left wif onli 3/4. i tot it clearly din look presentable as a present so i din meet him lor. anyway, e cookies tasted great! and some of it, supposedly underbaked, became brownie cookies! coz its very chewy... yum yum. eve says dey look more like chips than cookies coz dey're all flat instead of e usual Famous Amos lookalikes.

i still got no idea how to face e problem in my family. im behaving in a less tolerant way of wats happening behind our backs more so than before. i used to conceal it and gloss it over wif cheeriness but i no longer have e heart to carry on. e masquerade is too draining.

im seriously behaving outta sorts. mebbe ppl dun notice it but i sense it myself. even when i tok, i dun care to elaborate both, so mebbe dats y i juz agree with whomever im discussing with juz so i can end it and get back to my enclosure. there's alot of things i used to do but now langour juz takes away e initiative. whateva passion and enthusiasm i have have been dulled by lassitude of e situation. and nowadays, i keep sleeping. despite having enuff sleep, i still feel very dreary in sch, esp. after meals. like a pig day in day out. e adrenaline rush in preparation for e exams is gone too. =(

looks like im in for some deep shit.

zoned out

2005-08-13T02:22:00.000+08:00

i dunno wer to start.

i feel disoriented. im unsure of alot of things...

im starting to dissent from my revision plan, thanx to e national day break. no goooooooooooood. nooooooooooooooo good. im bout 3 days delayed from e original schedule, and its like another 31 days to prelims. time to get back on track...

im facing this huge crisis that is entirely unnecessary. i dunno how to explain it but it bothers me like hell. mebbe i question and ponder too much. mebbe i give in too much. mebbe im too sensitive.

i feel myself constantly putting myself in other ppl's shoes and reflecting on what i had reacted to whatever was said by anybody or how i behaved, den i get very paranoid and fearful of e impression dey may wrongly incur from an unintended portrayal of reaction on my part. its hard to put in words. i juz feel quite insecure these days. feel like im being targeted by ppl. its a very intangible feeling but my intuition detects it very significantly. could jolly well be e stress catching up wif me. i have no idea too..

i dunno... if i shld be giving in to aggressiveness. most of e time, i relent coz i dun wan a discussion or topic to go on and on but e other party would take his/her stand as guaranteed. as a result, i feel suppressed coz i couldnt get my point across. i might have if i tried harder but i din wanna strain relationships. sometimes, its that tender when it comes to certain ppl, and i fully understand that it wouldnt be appropriate to clash head-on. on one hand, it doesnt help e other party coz he/she may be in e wrong and i din try hard enuff to rectify e problem. but on e other, i couldnt reali be sure of what's right n wrong. in fact sometimes, even tho i know my facts well and am 100% sure that im correct, i feel threatened enuff not to substaniate myself.

weijian got eliminated. im sad =( haha. but i shall support sin huey still, despite having declared to boycott e show if weijian is kicked out.

ppl dun noe me well enuff. i did my best scrolling thru my mental list of friends yesterday night, and i realised there's not reali one i actuali share a deep sense of chemistry and telepathy with. im good friends with everybody coz im amiable enuff, but i dunno who i can call my BEST friend legitimately. by right, a best friend should know me well enuff, my character, my mentality to e extent of predicting my responses. u may tink its too high an expectation for a best friend, but its not. its e same with love. u say 'i love you' very casually to ppl that u wanna proclaim a treasureship and liking for, to friends, to family and even very mere acquaintances, when love actuali embodies something alot deeper than juz affection, adoration. so "best" friend gets used too frequently as well, even when it actuali doesnt reali fit into e exact criteria of 'best'. but anyway... i juz feel quite helpless la. its not anyone's fault but mine that im having such a crisis coz its me, myself and i who's perpetrating it by not sharing my private problems and musings. not brooding over it but juz cant help lamenting.

got lots to write. but im beat. i dun tink im writing coherently coz e tears are swirling in my brain instead of my eyeballs. im crying mentally. i feel my inner self crying out but my outer self is there typing away wif a stoic face and emotionless expression. by e way..... e sleepless nights are back... dunno whether due to 7th month or this problem... =(

happy national day

2005-08-09T23:31:00.000+08:00

its been a very relaxed week because its Singapore's 40th birthday. and we had a super long weekend... haha. all my revision plans were foiled. but i managed to salvage it today, right on e birthday itself! went to evelyn's club and mugged for a few good hours on Econs.

well, yesterday was spent celebrating in school. we had our annual sports carnival and whoa, i loved it! coz i participated in Tug-of-war for e first time in my life! haha. because of my size, i had never been picked to be one of e players, nor have i volunteered myself coz i know my limitations. but nevertheless, i wanted to give it a shot. actuali i was supposed to be running fartlek, but i complained coz i din sign up for dat event. thanks to the ever-wonderful Gabriel, i got my wish! and so did Elaine and Rachel. we lost our first match to Bikila(who had all e 'dua jiat') but we won against Owens! we lost to them in e first half but we persisted in e second and turned e tables around. it was a great experience but a very strenous one. i could feel myself being tugged from one side to another, and at one point, i almost flew frontwards due to e force. now im suffering from rope burn and very serious muscle aches. after dat, Rono shone in e fartlek event, coz we got 2nd for e girls' race and champions for the guys! woooot!

indulged in a delicious thank-you lunch for the SLOs. after seeing e video they played, i kinda missed my Pre-U Seminar days... it was nutting short of a miracle that 20 ppl could come together within 5 short days and shared some much with one another. but it dissipated as quickly as it was formed.... not even one plan for a Group 13 outing materialised! haha.

around evening, i met up with Yingpeng, Andrew and Elaine to go watch e fireworks at Esplanade. because i knew im gonna look weird standing next to all these tall ppl, i chose to wear platforms but how was i to know that, on e way to the interchange, both soles split into half and i had to totter awkwardly to Speedy Rhino juz to buy a new pair of shoes. wasted... if that wasn't interesting enuff, a Prudential salesman approached me juz before i stepped into the MRT station and tried to sell me insurance. here's a snippet of the most amusing conversation i've ever had:

Him: "I presume you are a student studying nearby?"
Me: "Ya."
Him: "Oh alright. Let me guess... NTU?"
Me(bewildered): "Er, no."
Him: "NUS?"
Me(more bewildered):"No..."
Him: "Oh, it muz be SMU then?"
Me: "Erm, no.............."
Him: "Haha, then which are you studying then?"
Me: "JJC...."
Him: "OH! I thought you dressed quite maturely and I mistook you for a University student or something... -blah blah blah-"

wat more can be more laughable than mistaking me for being older than what i actuali am, when most of the time ppl tink me to be a secondary sch student?? haha.

anyway, we found a spot outside marina square with a perfect view of the Esplanade and waited for the fireworks to start, which was supposedly 8pm. but as we waited and predicted and waited summo, it juz din happen. by den, we were oredi crying away from hunger coz we wanted to catch it first b4 heading for dinner. den andrew called his fren and realised that it will onli start at 11pm. so we went to eat dinner before coming back again at e exact same spot, and sang songs to pass time. one thing i love bout hanging with them is that i get to sing! haha... coz usually i'm too shy to sing in front of others, except for evelyn la but even den, i dun sing properly. YP, Elaine, Chaoshun and Andrew have definitely influenced me a great deal.. 11pm came and went and still no sight of fireworks. yingpeng have oredi start 'kunning', and e rest of us were a bit outta our minds, presumably too crazed from waiting so long. haha. we decided to wait till 12 and true enuff, we heard e first bursts of e explosives and we juz took to our heels, heading for e direction where e sounds came from.

and i tell u, those hours of waiting were truly worth it. e display was soooooo BEAUTIFUL and magnificent. it lasted for bout 10 mins, and ppl milling around were juz rooted to e ground and beholding e sight above us. very cooool! and dat marked e 40th birthday of Singapore! haha. after dat, Elaine's father kindly offered to fetch us home. u shld have seen how cramped e car become after Andrew and Yingpeng got into e car coz their legs were so long... anyway, i was so tired that i 'borrowed' Andrew's shoulders to sleep on. den Yingpeng almost fell on the other side of his shoulders as well coz he oso 'kunning' oredi.. very funny. reached home at around 1+ and juz dropped dead on e bed...

so 'chickened'. coz evelyn made me eat McNuggets, and chicken chop today coz she had a craving for chicken so i was forced to eat with her too. and it was chicken wings for dinner. wah... chicken overload...

goodies

2005-08-03T12:46:00.000+08:00

seems like eons ago e last time i blogged. been trying to dig time to come online but alas, i couldnt afford dat luxury until today.

sunday was spent hollering at e 3rd level of IMM for who else but Weijian? but dat was quite an unpleasant experience la. lotsa pushing and squeezing till those in front(including me) were almost squashed to e point of suffocating. its THAT bad. and im surprised dat e fans were not e ones pushing, but the AUNTIES who come and "cou re nao". and there goes our parents nagging us for doing such foolish chasing after ppl who dun even noe us.

well, after dat, i had this public ruckus with my sis quarreling over some toopid matter which im too lazy to elaborate. but i do agree its partly my fault for losing my temper. i was oredi pissed off at e situation during e Superstar event, den my sis provoked me wif her stubborn attitude and i juz lost it all, in e middle of e street wif ppl whizzing past and cars zooming beside. so DRAMA! all these to emphasize once again that i have no capacity for tolerating ppl who refuse to admit to their mistakes. it juz takes a simple sorry to appease e situation but unfortunately, dats e last thing on her mind. so i blew it. now u guys noe how not to trigger my boiling point.

chatted wif fir bout 2am dat night. apparently, their relationship looks reali shaky now and he is oredi giving up. dun tink it'll be long to go before they go their separate ways ba. sigh. another failed relationship. we discussed bout domestic partnerships lor... coz now both of us are afraid of commitment. our breakup resulted from e issue of commitment and now dat he's experiencing yet another blow, its kinda like "bitten twice, thrice shy" liao. seriously speaking, i wouldnt be surprised if both of us were to go into a no-strings-attached kinda engagement lor. might sound scandalous to some ppl out there, but i guess its something dat can onli be understood by ppl who have gone thru e pains of a failed relationship and suffered for it, therefore turning to alternatives. dat way, there wont be so many restrictions to spark off petty arguments and meanwhile, we could still maintain our present social circle without having to devote so much time to juz one person alone. and the feelings involve wont be so deep. come to tink of it, it might be betta since im going to the University next yr and im bound to meet new ppl who i might find more compatible with. besides, there's no saying if this domestic partnership might still develop into a proper relationship. after all, no matter how long i've been over him, u'll have a thing for ur past love. its juz der niggling at u whenever u tok to him. BUT still. its juz a casual discussion. im juz expounding a lil more on it here to make a point that formal relationships may not be e onli option in e arena of love and feelings.

speaking of relationships. to me, platonic friendships can never develop into BGRs. i juz feel more comfortable being a close buddy rather than e gf coz both of us would have known each other too well to become lovers. in fact, it kills all impulse to fall in love coz there's no element of discovery, mystery and surprises anymore. e reason why i developed this acquaintance into a deep, proximate platonic friendship and not a BGR in e first place, is because i oredi have no reason to venture into e latter option. there's no mutual chemistry, no sparks; juz a very comfortable level of confidentiality and connectivity between us. so boliao Andrew and kuku Yingpeng betta stop teasing me and Chaoshun eh? if not, we'll gang up and whack e lot of u. =p

feeling veri stressed up these days. recently, i couldnt find my BOP notes and i totally freaked out. i spent 2 hours searching for it in e same places over and over again though i oredi know dats it futile but the subconcious paranoia juz grabbed hold of me. i got so frustrated dat i almost cried over such a silly matter. thank goodness i had it photocopied from dearie Elaine. but e aftermath still lingered... i lost my appetite and couldnt absorb a damn thing from e lessons. i was mostly juz staring blankly at e notes, trying to make sense outta e words and struggling to figure out e answers but e mental block couldnt be removed.

KONG BLA BLA!

still adamant to my revision plan but mr tan pointed out that my strategy was probably flawed coz i started from e first topic in J2 and planned to carry it on till the last topic in J2. he said there wont be enuff time. so muz re-format e econs part. suddenly i feel like my whole revision plan was a flop.. coz there's so much to study and so lil time. i keep tinking of e number of days left to e prelims and i start panicking oredi. i feel as if i dunno alot of stuff. soooooooooooo demoralised now. =(

eeeps.

2005-07-30T01:20:00.000+08:00

yesterday's Partyworld escapade was great! u shld have seen yingpeng sing.. wah lew. its a pity he nv joined Project Superstar. albeit im e onli girl der, andrew yingpeng and chaoshun were very accomodating towards my sophomore attempt at singing karaoke. at first i was still quite apprehensive... coz i shy ma. e voice nv open den keep "zao sia" lor.. den dunno how to sing wif mic, so i sounded like a mouse compared to chaoshun's booming voice. had so much fun!!! haha. well at least im more comfortable wif singing in front of ppl liao la.. coz dey practically heaped praises for my singing tho it wasnt exactly good. anyway, im suffering for it now... my throat hurts so much!! *cough cough*

speaking of which, yingpeng was from my sch but we hardly knew each other den. now we meet almost everyday and exchange daily topics like nobody's business. so glad dat i've found another post-Commonwealth acquaintance.. he's always there wif his megawatt smile and im always so amused when he gets excited over singing.. and now it brings me to yet another issue. i miss commonwealth and all my frenz from there. im still keeping in contact wif more than half of them la... but still, i miss 2/5 and 4/4. i miss e netballers. i miss xiaowen. i miss running on Morning, Wednesday mornings, and at Macritchie on Friday afternoons. i miss mr yong. i miss mr leong scolding us. i miss waving to all my peeps along e corridors. i miss e morning rendevous with firdaus (oops). i miss taking class photos. i miss being saboed in e toilet with water sprays, shampoo and eggs. i miss griping bout how squeezy it is in e hall and not getting a good view of e stage. i miss e canteen food. i miss all e private corners i shared with different ppl; e shower cubicle in e 5th level girls toilet with Xiaowen, e 6th level staircase landing with Firdaus, e space outside 4/4 classroom with Evelyn and Fedora...

its one of e most memorable times in commonwealth i suppose, coz it happened at e most impressionable period of my life when i was a teenager. when u get away scot-free with having fun and u're forever in holiday mood. when u get all suicidal juz coz ur best friend backstabbed you. when u took pride in e most minor things dat ppl praise u for. and im dead sure that these memories are here to stay. here's a deep-felt thank you to all e ppl i've encountered in CSS, for making up such an important journey of my life. love u all...

how time flies. im sitting for A levels in another approximately 3 months. attended the talk by NUSFASS today, and i was pettily pissed at e science students who had e slightest intention of stealing our places in FASS juz coz dey cant get into THEIR science faculty. we arts students slog our butts off, writing essays a hundred times longer than their miserable formulae and SPAS, struggling so hard coz our subjects are so abstract. we suffer unnecessarily long timetables because e arts subjects wouldnt fit into a short day. dey look down upon us because of our relatively inferior results. if dey were all dat good, den why dun dey compete for e places in their faculties instead of degrading themselves to get a place in Arts? and why did dey even take Science in e first place if dey wanted to come to a Arts fac? so trashy la... take Arts as last resort juz bcoz dey din specify very stringent admission criteria. ewks.

oh good news. weijian got in. yays~ <-- notice e unsually calm tone that's distinctly un-Applie behaviour. that's bcoz i decided that i shall not go all hyper over him anymore in public, unless im with e fanclub or at home coz im aware dat ppl may think it's childish and fanatic. so i shall reserve that for private moments.

revision is going smoothly. *beams*

^.^

2005-07-27T23:06:00.000+08:00

eeps.

i sang till my voice sounds hoarse now. coz bout 5 days ago, i discovered i noe how to harmonise... haha. so i kept singing along to any songs i noe. den 2 days ago, elaine, andrew, yingpeng, chaoshun and me stayed till 8plus in sch to study. on our way out, we walked along e track and realised e ambience was perfect for singing! e wind was cool, it was dark and e lights from the nearby flats illuminated a beautiful background. we went to e basketball and juz started singing all e songs we possibly tot of right then. i used to be quite shy bout singing in front of ppl coz i wasnt confidence of my voice. after all, all of em were such good singers!!!! got formal training (voice lessons.. choir practice...) ok! but i opened up la.. den now i sing like der's no tomorrow. keke. and we're going to partyworld tml to blast our voices to e max! how cool can dat be eh?

got back GP. got 35 for paper 1 and 31 for paper 2. not bad la... a B3 overall. but i felt like i don't deserve e marks. it has certainly been inflated coz i wasn't impressed by my effort this time around. if mrs razal were marking it, im sure she would penalised me more. hopefully, we can get back our lit papers on friday. then i'll see how ugly my progress report would look for this term. and my mum gonna meet mrs razal this saturday to discuss my academic performance. den i'll head down to my aunt's house for my cousin, Kei Kei's, bdae party.

weijian dance sooooooo cute. he's so charming lor... i went for e recording on tues and boy! he sang real good. 2nd highest scorer. and weilian sang very well too!!! very very touching... he improved alot too! so proud of him.. but toopid, dey cut off alot of parts in e telecast. there was one very cute part in weijian's video, where he was climbing up this pole, BUT THEY CUT IT OFF!!!!!! ARGH!!! and did i mention i took a photo wif weijian's gf? she so chio, so amiable and so nice... coz sherlynn and yuhui sat right in front of her during e recording den dey requested to take photo wif her. den i juz 'chop' in and take oso.. hehehe. if onli i could do so wif weijian as well.

today stayed to study until 7. yay, so proud of myself! so far, i've been keeping to my revision schedule. manageable i guess... hopefully it'll stay this way for e months to come until e prelims and oso to e A levels. had a talk by NTU today, and im quite convinced dat i won apply there. most probably, i'll be going to NUSFASS.... if my results permit la, dat is.

downloaded lotsa lotsa songs!

im so broke. im told to watch The Island (i oredi missed War of The Worlds). alot of bdaes are coming up (xiaowen in particular, firdaus, joan...) and im so outta cash. argh. and i gonna spend another 10 bucks on tml's outing. bleeeee. sponsors anyone?

APPLE SAID I LOOK SLIMMER!!!!!! WHOOOHOO! its either i grew taller, or i reali lose weight. actuali i noticed it too this morning when i was dressing for sch, but i tot it might be juz a psychological mirage, upon tinking dat e exercises i've been doing e past week shld have some effect. yippee yippee yay yay! now ppl cant say im fat anymore. wakaka.

frankly i dunno wat izzit all bout between me and chaoshun. we're juz reali good buddies lor. true, we may be spending alot of time together but dat doesnt mean anything what. we're enjoying each other's company as frenz and nutting more than dat. and im 100% sure our friendship will not blossom into anything more than that, be it now or in e future. but kuku andrew and kuku yingpeng juz kept teasing us. even ELAINE helped to put us together. aiyo..... play play can la... dun push it too far can oredi. man! chaoshun, we muz unite and fight against e evil forces! haha.

muackz

2005-07-24T23:39:00.000+08:00

love weijian to bits. went to see him at Bishan Junction 8 yesterday wif my sis and sherlynn. met another weijian lover, and she happens to live near us! next time can go together le. hahaha, another eye candy feast. and he's standing wif weilian!!! den i can take photos of them together. anyway, we were waiting for the Superstars to arrive and dey played alot of songs by Jolin. e place was reali crammed and we were almost sniffing each other's BO. we were like, almost headlice-jumping distance apart. but being Applie, i couldn keep still and i kinda bounced to e beat la, but i was being conscious and took care not to bump into other ppl. den this 14 year old or so, tapped me on e shoulder and told me in a very buay song tone to "STOP SHAKING!" and she diaoed me in e face. haha. i dun see e rationale for her behavior so i shook even vigorously to make my point. mebbe i shld have juz sang "wo yi ge ren tiao wu..." to her. haha.

being photomaniacs, i suggested to take neoprint after dat! haha. we barely knew each other but are united by one common reason: weijian. i love this clique of ppl coz dey're very nice and humble. not like some other unscrupulous beings who resort to anything to diss other fans, fight for tix or criticise other contestants. yea, dats e ugliness of this whole idol-chasing thing lor.

anyway, i was caught between fir and shishi again. bleah. im so innocent lor!!!!!!!!! and i realised how much shishi was like me in e past.. always getting jealous over lil lil things. thankfully i learnt my lesson.

REVISION OFFICIALLY STARTS ON MONDAY!!!!
got everything panned out liao. shld be able to complete e whole syllabus by e next 45 days. yeap.. jiayou ba!!!!!!!

YES YES!!!

2005-07-22T00:17:00.000+08:00

weijian is in, whoohoooooo!!!! our votes din go to waste..... yay!!!!!! i swear dat my heart almost stopped when dey announced e last one to be kicked out. when leon's face was flashed on e screen, MY SIS AND I JUZ SCREAMED OURSELVES MUTE IN OUR PARENT'S BEDROOM. WEEEE!!!! more chances to see weijian le...... im so so happy....... this sat, i muz go catch him at Bishan, no doubt. even arranged to go der early to 'chop' place... den i bring my homework der to do while waiting for e event to start at 2pm. wahahahahaa. this time MUZ take photo wif him..

sia la. i very demoralised leh. my academic performance is going downhill. e tests i've been getting back, either fail or juz pass. so so so so disappointing. am i reali not working hard enuff???? but i very 'yong xin' oredi.. i try not to sleep in class anymore, i try to engage in more discussion... tho my teachers said im generally quite consistent, i dun see e reflection in my results lor. 51 more days... i muz improve by leaps n bounds, no matter what.

tml going to see RAPTURE by sajc dance. hope we'll enjoy it ba...

if it happens one more time, e tears will stop. and i'll make my heart stop beating from dat moment onwards... i can no longer stomach e betrayal...

neh neh ni bu bu

2005-07-20T22:59:00.000+08:00

deniece, rach almost laughed their tummies off when dey heard me pronounce e above phrase. apparently, dey found it very amusing from e way i say it.

i failed econs. 47/50. 'sickened' was e word when i saw my marks... i reali din expect myself to fail, esp. after i spent almost e whole of one week mugging for this subject. so disappointing... =( damn, 52 days to prelims. i betta betta betta start to get reali serious. no kidding.

went for Project Superstar recording on monday and bam! its really cool... being der in a real studio, seeing my idol live in e face (tho im like almost 10m away from him...) and juz enjoying myself in e presence with so many other fans. e atmosphere was real good, and everybody juz gave their best in cheering. im not biased, but Weijian's fans cheered e craziest lor. we screamed at every lil thing.. haha. even e hosts were overwhelmed. and most imptly, Weijian sang sooooooooooooooooo well! it was so touching and so good... e judges all had good comments for him. he reali deserves to get in, no doubt. if all goes well, he will. im keeping my fingers, toes and all e other parts of my body that can be crossed, crossed. anyway, saw e telecast on TV juz now and saw myself behaving quite fanatically when e camera caught me in its view. most of e time, i was like grinning from ear to ear and waving my placard (self-made okay!) like nobody's business. elaine commented dat i looked so funny on tv... and chaoshun said i was crazy. which i dun deny la... coz i shouted myself hoarse until i had a sore throat e next day. and i skipped MO XIE bcoz i wasnt feeling up to it. muz make up tml..

procrastination is e killer of time. im practically butchering mine ruthlessly. oh no.

1. i muz study everyday.
2. i muz work out at least 3 times a week.
3. i wanna tan.

3 resolutions to myself. dat means, no more afternoon naps coz it wastes time. gotta sleep early everyday... but i prolly noe i won la. i'll try... i'll try.

mrs razal wans to see my parents. =( onli elaine and carmen were exempted. oh man............... der goes my hopes of wanting to become top 3 students in e class. HOW??????????????

my bank account is rapidly being depleted. my sis owes me 50 bucks. and der's alot of other expenses i haben paid for, like topping up my ez-link and buying dat Econs TYS for practice. grrrrrr.... everytime i had to draw money out, i feel a great sense of reluctance amounting to dat of parting with ur lover. im not stingy or what la... its juz dat i feel reali annoyed at e way im spending, tho most part of it is necessary. im cutting my daily spending to at most 3 bucks a day, surviving on plain mee fen and drinks at all times possible. tok bout fiscal discipline.

i cant wait to start working. im oredi flipping thru FastAds. haha. anybody wanna recruit me?

bastardised

2005-07-17T01:12:00.000+08:00

blah.

oh i forgot to say dat weijian has 2 vampire teeth! hahaha. i have this fetish for guys... i dun like straight rows of teeth; i like e occasional vampire tooth coz when dey smile, dey juz look so cutely flawed. firdaus last time oso liddat one.. awwwwww...

went online to check out e university courses. a few days ago, i was comtemplating not to even go to university coz of e lack of direction and confusion. none of e courses actuali interested me den. i guess it was juz a side effect of my condition... but now after browsing thru FASS's site, i felt like doing so many courses lor. im interested in Communications and Information and Psychology, Sociology. and im spoilt for choice between NUS and NTU coz NTU offers a double major in which i could take Psychology and Sociology since i cant reali choose between e two. it offers both e micro and macro perspective of how e human mentality functions and how society is formed on that basis. eh eh... so interesting. i always wanted to do these courses but was turned off due to lack of career choices. dunno whether its credible or not, but the webbie said dat those grads were employed into PR positions, marketing analysts, tourism among others. a-ha! all of which i'll gladly try my hand at... esp. tourism. For Communications and Information, i could branch out into e media industry, trying journalism, radio broadcast or even television broadcast. haha. i've always be a people-oriented person, so i guess i gonna specialise in dat! cant stand being shackled in e office typing away, or researching thru piles of mini-print and coming up wif a thousand ther hypotheses or reports. but e web alone is not enuff information la.. still cant make a decisive choice based on dat. will see how again.. if not, i can always go NIE and become a teacher. juz dat it doesnt seem dat appealing anymore since i got more interactive options.

bug-a-boo. yesterday night around 2 plus, shishi actuali msged me again coz fir was angry wif her for something and sought help from me. i was oredi asleep by den... and guess what? i dreamt of firdaus! e moment i woke up n saw those msgs, it was almost like deja vu. in my dream, i was running away from someone whom i dun like (but in real life, he's actuali my close fren la... and he kinda pushed his boundaries a lil too much in my dream). den i was running to e bus stop when i saw firdaus on bus 99, standing and holding e handgrips wif bags of groceries. e most ridiculous thing was dat he was wearing this baggy pale yellow singlet (not e shoddy type, but rather those hunky type). it would be sooooooooooooooooo laughable in reality coz he's too skinny to carry it off but aiya, he looked quite snug in my slumber illusions. haha.

its like 1.33am now. i got a tummyache caused by Justea dat my lil bro took home from NDP for e pri sch students. haha. i still rmb my own experience at e National Stadium, soaking in e spirit of National Day along with e youth of my age, our vibrance lighting up e whole atmosphere and our ever-curious-but-never-satisfied craving for fresh discoveries. e fireworks juz totally fired us up as well... oooooh. juz love it.. wonder when i'll get to go again eh?

DjEiRaInC

2005-07-16T22:18:00.000+08:00

im so tired. i woke up 7.40am this morning juz so i could reach Esplanade early for e tix to Project Superstar's revival round. dun ask me why im so fanatic this time round when i have nv gone so crazy over such idols before. brought my sis along. met a few new frenz and we did banners together. whoa, im so proud of our work. muz reali thank Sherlynn for her hard work, as well as Angie and Huiyin (if i rmb correctly). we hit it off quite well. haha. guess what? im like one of e oldest in e group.. probably less than five who are older than me. but everyone mistook me for a sec sch student. oh well. haha. for our hard work, we were awarded e tix! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....... im gonna root for weijian on monday!!! yippee yea yea! and i gonna vote for him too. mebbe 10 times lor.. 6 bucks.. at most dun eat lunch for 2 days can oredi. anyway, juz a comment on e fans: dey're quite civilised la, albeit lotsa bitching and gossiping bout other contestants and blah. but i reali liked my grp of new-acquired frenz... dey're much more mature than e rest. anyway, e title is e name of our fanclub. yay, go figure what it means.

wakaka. wif juz a few clicks on friendster, i found out who's weijian's gf. man. so disappointed but im happy for him all e same coz e girl seems quite nice. judging from her testimonials and profile, i tink she compliments weijian perfectly. both very cute and kiddy-kiddy. looks real demure too. and dey onli got together this June lor. see, my news so 'ling tong'. so no chance of them breaking up la haha. wish em all e best ba..

actuali tml got event one. but i dun tink i'll be going... wanna start my revision proper liao. tho i doubt it'll begin tml.. staying at home kills all my motivation to work hard. gotta tidy up my room and start to plan my revision schedule liao..

2nd night w/o fear..

the darkness

2005-07-15T23:14:00.000+08:00

i'll live with it. i know dat my condition is pretty bad but i'll overcome it somewhat. i'll find e strength within me to get thru this. i may not succeed but i'll try.

"I cannot get enough of people that know what they want, and that want all the beautiful things life has to offer them. But it’s not enough to just know, they need to believe they’ve the right to it, and that it’s possible. Everything really is possible, and I don’t believe we are living in a bland age where nothing exciting ever happens, where everyone is apathetic and uninterested in anything aside from making life a little more bearable for themselves." -sarongpartygirl

i cant agree more. anyway, elaine tan immediately comes to mind when i saw this on SPG's blog. she's like e perfect ambassador for this. i find dat my life is so mundane, sch home sleep sch home sleep. occasionally trips to town and hanging out wif frenz. typical 18-year-old life. i so wanna do something outta e ordinary... i wanted to do part-time voiceover. i wanna be in e service industry, smiling and serving ppl everyday. i have no big dreams; i juz dun wanna be part of this insectified society, working a 9-5 job, having e same routine everyday. i crave excitement. i have e zest for life. shouldnt everyone have that too? i guess ppl have varied definitions of zest. fedora told me dat this top student in her faculty actuali studies e minute she reaches home till bout 2 or 3am, till she understands every single bit of her lecture notes. it is onli when she needs to eat or go to e loo dat she rests. otherwise, its juz STUDY SLEEP STUDY SLEEP. that is totally scary. i cant imagine myself doing that. i'll have no life la... i wonder if she ever feels contented doing that. mebbe for her, getting e results she desperately wants is her ultimate achievement in life and striving for that is a fulfilment to her. mebbe it would be healthier to strike a balance... like Mr Leow. he works sooo hard yet he has e time for so many other tasks. and he thoroughly enjoys himself. how i wish i could pan my life out this way too..

starting my fitness regime again in dunno-how-many-months. began wif a 15 run in e park, 30 sit ups and 30 push ups for mere warming up. gonna increase it gradually... next session will be tml. yea man.. time to get those fats burnt away. but gotta admit dat i almost burst my tummy eatign at deniece's house today. rachel, her and me went over to cook spaghetti! haha. had such fun... and we cooked so much dat we were practically struggling to finish e last morsel of pasta on e plate. but it was nice! digested our food by way of teaching deniece econs haha. i haben been very close to rachel actuali, juz dat i hang out wif her in sch. but i find her a very nice person to tok to... she's very soft-spoken, very tolerant, easy-going and easily amused. yea.. love rachel!!!

have i mentioned how i detest ppl who takes my things w/o permission? its basic respect ok. if you're reading this, u jolly well know who you are. i dun hafta spell it out. i mentioned it to you alot of times before, and just before i kept quiet bout it doesnt mean i dunno anything bout it. u betta stop what you're doing before i get nasty. im being very nice here by not flaring up at e invasion of my private space.

was going to sch today alone coz my pa nv fetch. i was walking from e life landing to e bus-stop when i passed by a group of teenaged hooligans and dey wolf-whistled/made teasing sounds. i ignored and continued walking since i normally dun bother bout such boliao ppl, and was standing quite a distance away from them when this guy rode up on his bike and tapped me on my shoulder. i was kinda startled, and he said dat his fren wanted to noe me and requested my handphone. being e patient person i am, i politely told him "im going to sch and i dun have time for u" sorta stuff but he kept persisting dat dey could wait till im dismissed from sch blah blah blah. heck. firstly, he could barely speak Chinese decently and secondly, he looked like some underaged adolescent. and he dares to come up to me for my number. some ppl... i juz cant believe how desperate/thick-skinned/ignorant dey are. apathy i say.

ah. now i onli got weijian to tide over my frustrations. tml im going to "fight" for tix to e revival round. den help e fanclub paint banners. weeeeee. hopefully i'll get to go la. ^.^ jia you jia you.

applie is not applie anymore

2005-07-13T23:25:00.000+08:00

u probably cant see thru e screen i've put in front of myself.

for a moment, i wished i was a recluse. shut out from the troubling world, from the disturbing affairs of everyday life. i could do with indulging in solitude...

yesterday night, i slept fitfully. tink its coz i was reali tired. was on e phone with firdaus till 3.30am... he has something on his mind, and he asked if i could call him to chat. might as well, since i was reali scared to sleep after e previous 2 nights. before we knew it, it was oredi been 3 hrs on e line. told him bout my problem... dunno why but i instinctively felt dat he's e onli one i could confide in. no feelings of lingering affection or watsoeva; i tink its juz e fact dat i trust him enuff. and we traded secrets as well. anyway, juz hope his problems will blow over soon. same goes for dearest xiaowen.

i still cant help being disappointed at my Econs common test. mr tan analysed e article with us and i could understand everything dats in there. i could even answer majority of e questions he posted. but why a miserable 11/30??? there's something wrong in the way i answered the question because a few of my paragraphs that were painstakingly written and thought over, was simply labelled "irrelevant" or "out-of-point". due to this, i had this very strong impulse to revise the whole of my Econs syllabus starting from today. i've resoluted to stay back during e extended study hours and start my preparation for A levels. cant allow e same mistakes to occur during this crucial exam... gotta find time to work out a revision timetable till prelims so that i've got everything panned out. jiayou, menghui...

this is for -you know who you are if u r reading this-. thanx, i reali appreciate ur concern but im quite certain its something dat divine interference won help. dats why i went to e priest in e first place... it did help for a while but i guess its still my mind doing e dirty work. its purely psychological, i figured. this has got nutting to do with u, but upon hearing what u wanted to do for me, i immediately felt this reflex to shut myself out. as in... just keep quiet bout my problems and not tok bout it aynmore. im not saying u caused it or that im blaming u; its juz my character. mebbe it helps if i explain that this is why i dun tell ppl my problems. i feel uneasy bout ppl helping me... u can listen, u can offer me a shoulder, or even encouraging words. but somehow... i am extremely uncomfortable with ppl going to such lengths for me. u get what im saying? i reali do noe how much u care and i reali am touched, speaking from e bottom of my heart. but unknowingly, i felt very pressured and very stressed out. i oso dunno why. i want u to knoe that its not ur fault and that u've done nutting wrong in doing so, truly. its juz a disorder in me.. but rest assured, i'll consult my mummy bout it. if she agrees, she'll bring me over to e temple k? thank u so much...

tml is chinese oral. i nv prepare leh, how?

crunked

2005-07-12T22:21:00.000+08:00

its recurring again. e last 2 nights were spent in my parents' bedroom. now im reali afraid to sleep at night. even having my parents in e room doesnt help, coz its right there in my mind. its fooling around with my sanity...

i noe what is causing it. but i cant do anything to stop it. i found out yet summo evidence. its causing a big gaping hole in my heart, a reeling state of mental imbalance and incessant fear. i find dat my tolerance is slowly wearing off, my attention is short-spanned and i get psychologically exhausted easily. because of e tumultous nights, i cant keep awake... coffee doesnt help too. i keep switching off... and today i juz got back my Econs case study. 11/30. huh... e fact dat everyone has this kinda grades across e level, doesnt come as a consolation to me. my MCQ sucked even more. 7/15. FAIL. i spent one week studying for Econs alone and came back with this kinda grades. and i need 30 marks for my essay juz to pass... 30/50 leh. its not a very high possibility...

bleeding my life away...

star-gazing

2005-07-10T01:28:00.000+08:00

YEP! or rather, superstar gazing!!!!!!! i went down to P.S to catch them at Design Fiesta. tho dey onli came for a while, it was still very nice. i was like squashed among bout a hundred over screaming girls. i onli shouted for Weilian... but it was drowned in all e shrieks and screams. i came for Weijian tho... haha. all e contestants looked so good in real life... esp. Weijian lor! very very cute. saw qiuyiong, wenting and jeannie der as well. hahaa. took lotsa pics of em. gotta upload em into shutterfly. but i dun tink i'll be going down for other events anymore... im not reali into fanatic impulses. after this experience, im quite contented oredi. and i was enlightened bout how ppl get so ugly and detestable, gong to extreme lengths juz to catch a glimpse of their idol. i was like pushed so many times over and i heard ppl insulting rival fans, as well as dishing out unpleasant remarks bout them and e contestants themselves. aiyo... i dun understand why.

gotta thank chaoshun for accompanying me down in e sweltering heat, juz to stand behind me idling away while i ogle at Weijian. hahaa. i spent like close to 8 hrs wif him today, going to e event, eating Ichigo Bliss at Mos Burger, trying out e scores at Yamaha, and most of all, taking neoprints. we took 2 times coz e first one was tooooooo bright. i swear nv to take dat machine again.. haha. i shall pledge my commitment to COCOA. its e best one i've ever taken and i love it man! had so much fun posing away........ i was on a perpetual high the whole time. hahaa. anyway, when we alighted at our bus stop, chaoshun entertained me wif his newly-bought harmonica. man, he's got e talent. all he needs is practice and voila!!!! u can showcase it in halogen's jamming, baby!!!! and i realised dat e harmonica is more of a sad instrument. e sound of it juz reaches into ur soul and tugs at ur heartstrings, i duno why.

and i onli ate one meal today. hahaa. woke up too late to have breakfast. lunched at cineleisure foodcourt and supplemented it wif Ichigo Bliss and strawberry milkshake. den i din touch anything until it was dinnertime. i simply ate an onigiri from Yoshinoya coz i wanted to eat at home to save money, but when i came back, i din have e appetite so i juz ate e corokke and contended with dat. haha... super unhealthy! but tml, ma say we having steamboat for dinner... so i shall make up for dat by eating more tml.

hmm. i need to exercise badly. my fats are jiggling out.

ultimate crap

2005-07-09T00:48:00.000+08:00

how can weijian be out?? why kelly out???? why ruth and jason in????? WHY???!?!!!!

but e worst is still e exit of weijian.. so unfair. he can sing lor... =( i was like reali stunned when the screen showed weijian's face instead of jason's to determine e one who's gonna be out. my heart juz sank lor.. im sure alot of other ppl felt e same. eeeee yer. kelly oso liddat. but i felt dat xinhui shld be in and ruth shld be out. ~>_<~ i like xinhui... she's got style!! like maia liddat... whoo~

anyway, today i attended the councillor's investiture. was abit like last yr's la... but it was great all e same. this batch of councillors worked reali hard and reali put in their heart and soul for e sch. anybody who cant feel it, is probably blind, deaf or juz plain unappreciative. dey cried so badly today, could reali feel their sadness and reluctance. but i gotta leave halfway, right after dey were done wif e 24th student council, i quickly rushed down to Plaza Singapura to meet fidz n eve.

and e bus journey was a butt-numbing, ass-freezing, bladder-managing, vomit-inducing ride. it was a holy one hour long.. all e way from jurong to dhoby ghaut. and i sat thru it without even sleeping lor. haha. reached p.s juz in time to eat!! we had pizza hut.. student's lunch promotion. we ordered baked rice, hawaiian pizza and seafood lasagna to share. it's to celebrate EVE'S BRITHDAY on thurs! yea.. me n fidz got her the Oasis album dat she wanted... after dat, we walked around, took neoprints and fooled around wif eve's digicam in e neoprint machine. hehe. it was a blast. and during dat time, chaoshun msged me to say dat weijian was in town. juz one street down at topshop! OMG!!!!!!! i almost wanted to run all e way over der to see him. haha. dats juz crazy la. but oh well, elaine had e heart to take a pic of him and send it to me. sooooooooo cute lor! THANX SO MUCH, ELAINE! its my wallpaper now haha. but too bad i cant see him in real person...... so near yet so far lor.

but hey, tml im going down to p.s again to support him coz he's got this event la. and chaoshun even shoved his plans to accompany me there. yay, chaoshun rox! im so sorry to make u change plans... i promise to treat u lunch someday. DATS A DEAL OK? DUN YOU DARE TO REFUSE!! hopefully can see him up close. mebbe will be lucky enuff to get an autograph or something. aiyo... im going gaga over him la haha.

anyway, im so anxious over my results of e common test. onli Chinese is returned... e rest still dunno yet. argh. i could die waiting. oh ya. we had this video viewing during gp on religion and e world. found it quite interesting la... at least i made sense outta it. it all makes logical sense but once i got outta e lecture theatre and i tink bout it, i get so confused again. i do understand but i cant seem to find a direction amongst all these conflicting views and theologies. but its thought-provoking nonetheless. i dun understand why some ppl juz dun get e idea of these philosophies and concepts. not dat i wanna stereotype and be biased but i see this apathy most prevalent in e science students. dey were like either dozing off, or chatting among themselves or simply juz not paying attention. mebbe its coz dey dun get it.. i dunno.. but izzit dat hard to grasp such ideas so close to our hearts???

*yawns* wish me luck for tml. im going to slp oredi.

hi!

2005-07-07T09:13:00.000+08:00

im in e sch comp lab now, supposedly doing my GP research but ah... i was too tempted wif e superfast connection here and e fact dat i ahben been updating my blog for bout 2 days.

im feeling hungry..

anyway, e visit to e priest worked. no more sleepless nights.. actuali i still am afraid of e sounds, but its as tho i've been blessed with a sort of power to overcome. everytime i hear something, e familar feeling of fear creeping over my senses will still be there but it won seize me easily coz i've somehow had this shield against it oredi. yay.. and for e first time in bout 2 weeks, i finally was able to dream of something...

but e problem in my family still aint solved yet. im not as upset as im angry over it. feel like screaming at e top of my lungs to let it all out. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

AND WEIJIAN IS SOOOOOOOO ADORABLE! man, e results are coming out tonight. im keeping my fingers crossed dat he won be booted out. he's so so so charming and so cute. im totally in love with him oredi... he's my SUPERSTAR!!!

yesterday night, i spent like close to 1 hr msging fan phang. he asked whether i was attached and all... den he kinda hinted dat he wanted to ask me to be with him after i told him dat im single. but somehow, its juz doesnt right la. we haben met for so many years, and both of us certainly has changed alot since we last met. i tink he likes me as e image of e primary 6 girl dat he's in love wif. but he doesnt noe how much i've changed in terms of mindset, mentality and values etc etc. personally, i tink he's not mature enuff in e aspect of relationships... so i dun tink we'll click at all. true la, i had this major crush on him before but dats like 7 years ago! he's not even e kind of guy i would fancy now... coz he's so different from me. but i'll give it time to let him noe me betta, since he asked so... i'll see how it goes den...

ah, lesson ended. time to go...

=)

2005-07-05T21:38:00.000+08:00

yesterday i went to meet e 6.1 peeps after dey visited alvin. i wasnt allowed to go coz of my condition. guofeng, fan phang, lai kuan, yetfeng, junjing and chongkeat were der and we played pool at cineleisure. my virgin attempt... i malu-ated myself learning e basics, but ah well, dey were kind enuff to lemme cheat, and i got 2 balls in at e very least. how long has it been since i've last seen them? a yr ago i guess. i miss them so much.. guofeng and fan phang haben changed... still clowning around. i felt a lil weird upon seeing fan phang tho.. coz im vaguely aware of his affections for me. yea, after 6 years leh!!!!! but i no response la. dun feel anything for him in return tho i had this major crush on him in primary sch. i was behaving more consciously in his presence lor.. hope to go out wif em again someday, or even have a chalet as yetfeng suggested it!

oh, i din mention dat mama brought us out to bugis on sat for a shopping spree after praying at e temple. i got a blue tube for $9.90, a swirly-coloured spag top dats onli $19 instead of e usual $49 and maroon sweatpants for onli $13. and we ate alot of vegetarian goodies coz my aunt is a vegetarian and she recommended lotsa delicacies.

been slacking around for sometime. oops. nv even bother to check my bag for homework when i reach home...

why did god create men with their brains in their balls? like what dey say, their organs are probably the most impt part of their body coz without it, der's no offspring to speak of. i wouldnt even be here without e integration of a particular spermatoza wif an egg, i admit. but does it give males a right to let their lower part of e body rule over their rationality? on an individual basis, it doesnt affect me much but tinking of it on a large scale male population, its juz very mind-boggling and infuriating at how men can juz be controlled by their sexual impulses and not tink of e consequences after that. married husbands can have extramarital affairs even if they do have a loving family, ignorant teenagers injure themselves masturbating up to 20 times a day, boyfrens go skirt-chasing or visit prostitutes in Geylang, some go to the extent of raping any old auntie in e alley juz coz of e urge to satisfy their sexual desires. don't dey even stop to tink of the consequences beforehand?? im not a guy, i dunno how hard it is to quench dat hunger for sex. mebbe its precisely why i dun understand e whole rationale behind all these acts of stupidity and infidelity. no matter what it is, it won stand as an excuse for all those sins dey commit in e name of sex. sex is supposed to be a display of love, the apex of pleasure between lovers. be it premarital sex, one night stand(note: there's no S), or sex in a marriage, at least it complies with my definition. but going around on e pretext of sharing ur balls amongst a heap of women, IS JUZ NOT RIGHT! promiscuity, that is. why cant they juz keep it to themselves, or to just one partner? if e girls( albeit a few black sheep) can do it, why cant the guys follow suit? its plain injustice when hotheaded males give shitloads of excuses and apologies after committing such sins against the women. go fuck a kangkong if u have to.

=(

2005-07-03T23:04:00.000+08:00

sleepless nights. nv one night passed without all those illusions haunting me.

my mum cooked me herbs to make me sleep betta.
i went to the kuan yin temple and prayed.
my aunt bought an amber pendant dat has calming properties.
she taught me a mantra to ward off evil.

it still din work. last night, i tot i would be able to get over it but i couldnt. i was in my room initially, chanting e mantra over and over again whenever my mind succumbs to it. but i still kept trembling, still kept breaking out in cold sweat. den i went to my parent's room, tried to get some sleep but i ended up crying coz i felt so bloody useless.

dunno when we're gonna resolve this matter. its seriously affecting me... this week alone, i misplaced my hp 3 times, and my wallet once. thankfully i found them back. e longer it drags, e worse it'll get. today i discovered something again... and it is disturbingly hurting. cant bear to tink it...

mama took em to a priest this morning. he chanted some prayers, and blew a breath of air into one of my holy bracelets. i tink its supposed to gimme strength. i juz drank e water dissolved with e ashes of a talisman... im keeping my fingers crossed...

yuck

2005-07-02T00:01:00.000+08:00

mama made me drink some awful chinese medicine dats supposed to make me sleep fitfully. i almost puked at e smell of it but thankfully it was quite tasteless. lets hope it takes effect coz if its gonna happen again, i'll juz scream e night away. i cant stand it anymore.

yesterday night was another nightmare. i tot i could sleep betta coz my sis was still up, e lights were still on and i might feel more secure dis way. but no. i rmb myself falling asleep oredi coz i was dead tired, i was oredi halfway into dreaming. u noe wen u dream, u'll tink of events, things and whatnot visually in ur mind's eye. suddenly, the dreaming stopped for no reason and my mind's eye blanked out completely. then e sensation of fear starts to grab me again. i oredi listened to elaine and put a talisman under my pillow but it still won work. i tried to go back to sleep after dat when i heard the same voice saying "oi" to me. juz one word as well. and i was so startled dat i juz let myself up into a sitting position. my sis noticed, and she asked me wat happened but i din tell her coz i din have e guts to tok bout it. i fell back into my sleeping position again and tried to block out e sounds, but i still couldnt sleep. mama came by and i cried out to her dat i couldnt sleep, and she immediately asked me to go her room. before dat, she made me offer incense to e altar to bless me wif a peaceful night, but it was no betta. i was still very sensitive to the sounds around me but mebbe i was reali reali tired out dat i eventually fell asleep.

every morning, i wake up in a very dazed state, not knowing what to do and how e day will go. but im pretending to be normal as always, going bout my routine as usual and going to sch after dat. mebbe ppl will see me behaving queerly in e morning but i'll try to get myself warmed up by not tinking of that problem and by joking around wif ppl to make me forget. i hope im behaving like myself then. elaine probably sensed dat i was faking it, and she asked if i was alright or not. she and chaoshun were quite worried for me. im sorry, guys. sorry to make u see me liddat. i'll be strong for ur sake ok? im trying, still trying...

going home would be a different story. i dunno wats with my brother's room but everytime i seem to enter it, i get a feeling of being repressed. even now, as i sit in front of the computer, my heart is clenched, my head is pressed against, my hands feel jellyish and weak. sometimes wen i go to e kitchen and i become alert to those sounds, i'll experience it as well. its juz dat i feel it more in his room... i dunno why...

tml got interhouse netball. got informed onli today. so i can onli go to the kuan yin temple later in e afternoon. hope dat she'll bless me. on my part, i'll hafta do wateva it takes to hang in there...

and i got absolutely no idea how to approach my brother bout it. i cannot garner e courage to broach e subject at all. coz everything is still so fragile. i dun wanna upset e delicate balance. for now, mebbe i'll even be contented wif how it is. but i'll noe it'll always weigh upon my heart like a stone. i feel so terrible.. terrible..

help

2005-06-30T22:38:00.000+08:00

im on e verge of collapse. im falling off the edge anytime.

im sori to all those who cared for me. i did what u all told me to do. i tried to fight it, i tried praying, i tried shouting. but its no use. it keeps coming.

i couldnt sleep again. i was totally overwhelmed by sorrow and anguish, and i sat up and hugged my knees to myself, letting e tears fall freely. it hurt so bad... so so bad. i dunno how long i cried but i knew dat it wasnt enuff to empty my heart of the frustration. i had to stop tho, before i let grief consume my whole core. mebbe it sensed my vulnerability and found a backdoor to attack me.

i kept telling myself im not scared of them. for a moment, i felt empowered and strong. i was brave. but onli for dat moment. because the next moment, i felt e paralysis starting. its seizing me bit by bit, i become arrested by fear again. den i'll hypnotise myself time and time again, that im not scared of it. but it sees thru my facade of bravery; it breaks thru e defence i built and crept into my heart and mind again. i even heard e female voice saying 'hello' to me. it was not spoken into my ear, but i heard it in my mind. it was juz one word, spoken neutrally wif no hint of viciousness. juz liek any other sound i would have dreamt of. but i wasn't dreaming. i was conscious. and it spoke to me. mebbe im paranoid, but e more harmless it sounds, e higher e potential to turn into something malicious. u get what im saying? its like, it'll fool me into a trap and then crush me into pieces later on.

have u ever experienced coming close to insanity? yesterday night i was brimming to e pt of going mad. i juz wanted to scream, to flail and throw things away. i needed to release everything pent up inside my heart. its so overpowering that every 10 mins or so, i feel a queer sensation in my heart. in chinese, they call it "xin han". like as if ur heart is freezed up or something. u feel odd and painful at the same time.

i feel like giving up and succumbing to wateva is repressing me. im certain its my hallucination. i feel damned weak. my head feels like its being crushed from e sides. its a constant pressure, and the entire skull feels heavy. like u're gonna fall any minute, faint and juz knock out. i couldnt take it anymore; i broke down in sch. i juz wanna cry it all out but im aware of ppl looking on. ppl getting curious. aware dat ppl are getting worried. im being tugged at both sides; on one hand i juz wanna break down and let my defences fall but on the other, im tied up by other considerations. why izzit dat things hafta work this way? why cant i juz free myself from every other thing and let loose?

mama tinks im juz crazy. she tinks its juz stress. she doesnt understand. now im afraid to ask her to help me.. it seems like der's no one else to go to for help. much as i want to, i dun wanna become a burden to anybody. i dun wanna let my problems disturb them in anyway. i gotta depend on myself... myself alone.

i have to do it... right?

finally a day i smiled happily

2005-06-30T00:20:00.000+08:00

finally, i dun hafta force myself to smile. finally, i felt truly happy. the first time in so many frightful days.

because i was ranked 3rd in mr tan's econs group. 4 classes in all. but dat was for e second common test la... e case study in which i unexpectedly scored well for. nonetheless, i was reali happy coz before that, i wasn't even in e top 25 for e first test. in fact, i was near borderline passing. im glad dat i've improved so much and econs seemed to be my best subject so far. yay yay! my target is gonna be fulfilled soon. but mid-yr results not out yet... im keeping my fingers crossed dat i won deprove. and another good thing is, 04A5 has made a great leap from e 3rd class to e 1st class in terms of passes. whoohoo!!! mr tan was positively beaming and heartened to see us improving, and im reali proud of my fellow classmates as well. our passing rate increased so drastically lor... and i hope dat our quality passes will improve by leaps and bounds as well. kudos to 04A5!

i've fallen in love with Weijian of Project Superstar. he's so superly cute. i dunno why but i juz tend to develop huge crushes on ppl wif this kinda looks. no go for those hunky guys wif bulging muscles n towering height. i fancy lanky ppl wif CUTE CUTE CUTE faces, and i tink Weijian is e epitome. and its a delicious bonus dat he sings so well too! i started to notice him during the episode wer all 24 contestants were briefly introduced and shared a lil bout their lives. even one of e judge said he was real cute and he shld follow dat route to megastardom. so now, im rooting for 2 ppl on e show.. first is Weilian and second is Weijian. one for the voice and one for e looks. purrrrr-fect.

attended a Stress Management Talk during civics. pretty enlightening and engaging. we took a mini-personality test and my behavorial style is Steadiness followed by Influence. so true eh...
im said to be friendly, outgoing, emotional, enthusiastic, sociable, sincere, dependable, loyal, supportive and considerate. sounds juz like me eh? and it suggested dat for me to cope wif stress, i gotta:

1. talk to others
2. confront the issue at hand
3. verbal encouragement from friends
4. sleep

e 4th option seems like e best option, but for now it wont be coz e interval time from being awake and falling asleep is juz e right time for my mind to start and hallucinate. well, i've tried toking it out to firdaus and i've received lotsa support from my friends. gotta thank elaine, chaoshun, jesline for keeping me going. i noe u guys will be der, but for e moment, i won tok bout it. mebbe not for a long time to come. i guess e onli thing i haben done is to confront e issue at hand. i cant tho... even tho i wished i could. coz i dread e consequences...

i observed e situation at home. LOOKS pretty normal but judging from e interaction, it juz doesnt feel all that comfortable at all. in fact, i feel the undercurrents most... and den e fear crept right back into my heart. =( i dunno how else to put it into words... its just... so bleak and intimidating. im 18 years old, going into adulthood... den this kinda thing happens. yea, im supposed to have betta coping mechanism now, and i guess i am than i would have if it happened 4 years ago or something. but still... nobody wans it to ever happen to their own family.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how i wished i'll go bonkers at this very instant then i won hafta tink so much, wonder so much, fear so much...

2005-06-28T22:39:00.000+08:00

its getting from bad to worse. everything dat i tried to do cant keep it at bay. its haunting me... i tink im going insane. its juz a matter of time from now.. I REALLY TRIED BUT ITS NO USE. ITS NOT LIKE I WANNA BE THIS WAY.. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME AS WELL. stop telling me dat its onli a psychological barrier that i can overcome. im certain its not; its more than dat. it's almost like a disease dats inflicting damage both physically and mentally.

they say "all good things come to an end". how come it doesnt apply to bad things as well?

last night, i gave myself a good talking to bout how to deal wif the problem, after firdaus's advice and all. i tot im becoming betta. but IT had to come. i fell asleep, but i was woken up by a force dat hit my head. almost like someone delivered a blow to my head, and even my ear felt deaf for a moment. i stayed in my sleeping position to sense for anything, not daring to open my eyes, until i broke out in cold sweat again. i heard e sound of tv in e living room, so i dashed out to tell my mama bout it. all e while, my heart thumped like mad like what previously happened. so she made me pray, and smoked me with a special incense supposed to keep e evils away. i moved from e mattress from e bed, to sleep wif my sis and bro. i couldnt sleep coz i was too sensitive to the noises out there. even e screech of e cars passing by sent chilling shivers down my spine and i would open my eyes from time to time to keep checking for anything amiss. even in e blankness of eyes shut, i seem to see e darkness dilating as i start to feel woozy and faint. its exactly what happened dat time as well... like ur energy and consciousness seeping outta ur body, like u're gonna die coz u feel ur heart being relentlessly pressed down and its beating so hard u fear that it might juz break thru e walls of ur chest.

then my sis spoke up and told me that e bed seemed to be quaking. den she realised it was me trembling, tho i didnt know it myself. upon hearing that, i started to feel e tears coming but i din wanna cry in front of her coz it would probably scare her to know what was happening to me. it is scaring me too. e holy pendant doesnt seem to have any effect on my nerves. i feel jumpy and paranoid. at e corner of my eyes, i thought i saw a figure but it turned out to be juz an object. everytime i tot i saw something move, e thing was actuali stationary.

im reali trying to mask my fear, partly coz i know these are not real and ppl would tink me a lunatic if i told em. partly coz i dun trust anyone enuff to tell em what im going thru. dey dun understand, i dun tink anyone will unless dey have gone thru it b4. its an ordeal, its miserable to try and endure it. im still trying to be my cheerful self in school, still trying to smile at everything that comes my way, still trying to be brave. cant u see im trying???

much as i wanna have e luxury of crying and have a total breakdown, it is not a time to. not when e family matter is bearing down on us. not when im going to have my exams in a few month's time. not when i have to be there for my sis, my bro, my mama, should anything go wrong. not when i still have a thousand responsiblities. not when ppl are still out there behind my back, saying stuff and spreading rumours. not when there's so much to tink of. not when im expected to put up a brave front and be strong.

but at e end of e day, at e end of every activity, when night creeps in... it starts to come at me again.. again and again.. it won leave me alone..

broken

2005-06-27T23:28:00.000+08:00

im so torn up inside. my heart aches so much.. =( i duno wat to do. i fear the consequences. i feel like doing something drastic to change e situation, but i know its immature and may jolly well negate it instead. i feel damn helpless... i see it yet i can do nutting. or rather, i fear that my actions may make it spiral into something tragedic... i tink of it all e time, whenever my mind is not occupied with something. im starting to feel weary and tired. i wanna break down and scream. i wanna have a good cry, a nice downpour of tears and let it all out. at night, it gets especially hard to bear because dats wen u're most susceptible to emotional outbursts. e tears juz roll silently, unreflected, cold.

but no one muz see it. no one muz know what is going on. offer me a shoulder to cry on, a tight hug... but i won need a ear coz i won tell.

i finally told someone. i told firdaus. he's e onli one who can understand now, so dun start tinking dat im having weird ideas in my head. i won stoop so low to go n break up other ppl's relationship, unlike what ppl love to say bout me. its juz dat he has gone thru e same thing, and i got someone whom i can relate to. i feel much betta. nevertheless, the heart-wrenching feeling doesnt cease...

and i have figured out that im over firdaus. its juz psychologically natural to feel something for a past flame, no matter how long ago e relationship has been ended. but i dun deny wondering if we'll get together again. after all, he's e best i've ever had. but dat i won dare to hope for. and anyway, it'll hafta start all over again. there's nutting left to continue from, to speak of. and mind u, i won do anything to try n get him back. its juz toopid. i got my life to lead as well. its juz dat if our paths crossed again, so be it. i'll leave it to e hands of Fate.

im back to sch again. haben adapted to working mode yet... im feeling lethargic and outta energy. i dun feel like doing anything, in actual fact. juz wanna sit in one corner and stone. ironically, sch work is e onli thing i have now to take my mind off undesirable thoughts. stayed back wif gwen in sch during chinese lesson to finish off our work, tho like most of e others have oredi dismissed themselves since our teachers din come. anyway, had a bad case of tummyache thru-out e whole of today. went to e loo and lao-sai for 3 times lor. den now feeling a lil painful as well. and i felt dat i was a lil less bubbly, less cheerful today. simply coz i din feel happy enuff to do it. im glad to see my frenz again la.. but my spirits juz wont lift. sorry if i ever seemed cold or unacknowledging at times.

izzit wrong to stretch oneself beyond e limit? izzit wrong to try too hard? sometimes, trying to be stronger breaks you, because you have exceeded ur capacity. instead of becoming more enduring and tolerating, you snap and the tables turn against you. u become weaker than you used to be, because now you have no resistance AT ALL.

had a heart to heart talk wif my sis on saturday night till bout 4am. lotsa tears and mucus flowed but we sorted some things out. hope i've enlightened her on some stuff, and made her stop tinking so narrowly bout some issues. i got to know my own flaws as well, and i've resoluted to try and change them. shall stop hollering at my younger siblings when im annoyed, or being selfish with my property. time to be a good daughter as well as a good sister from now on. if e circumstances take a turn for e worse, at least i've fulfilled my duty and my roles. den der wont be as much room for regrets, if dat's any consolation...

hallucination is bad. it plays with your state of mind, and makes u imagine things for no apparent reason. its scary because you know that these are not happening, but its so real and tangible that ur consciousness starts to slant towards e mirages instead. i find myself searching for these "things" to check if they are reali der. its driving me to e brim of my sanity... and my food intake has been reduced drastically. i no longer find a urge to eat, to pick up e utensils and scoop up e food into my mouth, much less to chew slowly and savour it. my meals today seemed terribly bland... instead, i have e tendency to binge on snacks. i've eaten 4 packets of Mamee today, and i swallowed even e seasoning. VERY UNHEALTHY indeed... but i dun have e sensibility to regulate myself. i juz wanna let myself limp... do wateva i feel like doing and not do anything i dun feel like doing. lemme have e luxury of "relaxation" when i can... coz i won get to enjoy it as often in e future.

e temptation of the penknife is overwhelming. yet i've become fearful of e blade. i tink back of e times when i juz slashed myself repeated in a mad frenzy, and all that blood trickling out within seconds. e metallic smell of it filled my nostrils, and perversely, it seemed therapeutic at dat moment. like i've released blood tainted with anguish, angst, pain and sorrow. for e moment, i feel liberated. until i panicked when e blood couldnt be stopped... the tissue paper is soaked to the point of saturation. i even used my lips to suck e blood, and the taste of blood seeping back into my system. den i'll wash e lacerations under e tap, feeling e cold water scorching e raw flesh. den i'll don a long-sleeved shirt and carry on my activities, pretending that nutting has ever happened. but no matter what, e scars are there to remind you. most of it have healed by now, except e deeper ones. my forearm used to be a maze of criss-crossing lines, but now it has all faded back to skin colour and thus concealability, unless u take a reali close look.

am i to risk those again? i hope not.

everything burns

2005-06-27T22:10:00.000+08:00

She sits in her corner
Singing herself to sleep
Wrapped in all of the promises
That no one seems to keep
She no longer cries to herself
No tears left to wash away
Just diaries of empty pages
Feelings gone a stray
But she will sing

'Till everything burns
While everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate
And all of this pain
I'll burn it all down
As my anger reigns
'Till everything burns

Walking through life unnoticed
Knowing that no one cares
Too consumed in their masquerade
No one sees her there
And still she sings

Till everything burns
When everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate
And all of this pain
I'll burn it all down
As my anger reigns
Till everything burn...

- Anastacia feat. Ben Moody "Everything Burns"

it cant be happening

2005-06-25T01:07:00.000+08:00

shishi called me on my handphone juz now coz she had a quarrel wif firdaus and he is refusing to pick up her calls or reply her msgs. so she came to me for help... but what i could onli do was to calm her down, and give her advice on what to do... nutting much. but its surprising that she came to me first instead of anybody else.

so wanting to be a mediator... i called firdaus up and tried to tell him bout it. i detected e sense of helplessness and pain in his voice and he hung up on me before i even finished toking. called him back and asked him to juz cool down... his desolation was so raw and blatant. and wats more surprising is dat, i actuali felt a pang of heartache upon hearing it.

i have no idea whether it was juz feeling for a fren, sympathy for his state of anguish, or simply e lingering remanants of my love for him. i insist dat im over him; im juz not aware dat some things juz cant be gotten rid of no matter how hard i try.

but tinking back.. i cant seem to stop toking bout him entirely, esp. wen ppl around me tok bout relationships and e immediate link in my mind would be him. juz ask evelyn. she observed how i kept recounting e past to her bout events dat happened when we at that time happen to be either in e same place or same circumstance of what i experienced before with firdaus. but i cant help it if me and him reali shared dat much to be rediscovered and trounced on again in e future.

one thing is for sure.... i cant still be in love with him....................................................................... can i?

rawrrrrr

2005-06-24T23:40:00.000+08:00

exams are finally over. had my last paper and im free from e clutches of mid years... for e time being. ah... last min studying helped a lil i guess. some of e things i read came out, but most of e time, i was crapping and making things outta nutting. bout 90% of e stuff i wrote probably weren't what he thought... i juz added in my own coz i simply dunno how else to fill up a decent one and a half pages for each question.

yeap. went to town wif andrew, yingpeng, elaine and chaoshun. went to meridien hotel's shopping plaza downstairs to have elaine's jeans customised. she brought like 7 pairs and e total cost is like onli 71 bucks. $10 for each on average which is a pretty good deal coz it'll be done according to her way of wanting it.. and some include converting jeans to skirt and stuff liddat. quite cool eh... shall do der someday and do e same wif my unusable jeans. den went to.... OG again!!!!!! haha. i bought a bikini top from bodynits. thats going for onli half price, at a cool $13.45. wanted to buy it for my fren... but decided against it coz she probably won wear it. shall get her something else when i see something betta. i tried it myself and it was tooooo small!!! hahaha. i tink im going back to change it for a medium-sized bottom... coz e cutting of the bikini doesnt go wif my body. haha. looks funny wen i wear it. den went cineleisure and shared yoshinoya wif elaine b4 heading home. i tell u ah... my heels were practically killing me lor. in order to fit into their looks (all of them are at least 170cm lor...), i wore 3 inch heels. wahhhhhhh... all dat walking is taking my life. its quite a funny picture lor... 3 giants, 1 tall girl, and 1 short misfit. hahahaha. and i nv felt more grateful when i finally reached home and rested my feet on level ground. i almost flew.

speaking of bikinis, tml im going to suntan at sentosa wif gwen! weeeeeeeeeee. i was intending to wear e pink one dat xiaowen gave me... but its a halterneck and e tanline will show. so i was trying all means and ways to find out how to wear it without looping it around my neck... den i was struck by an ingenius idea!!!!!!! i turned it into a tube-halter instead by juz changing e way it could be worn, and dats juz wat exactly i wanted to buy initially. im so happy!!!!!! no more tanlines whoohooo!!! i actuali took down e pic of its 'transformation'... got 'before' and 'after' summo. cant wait to get my new tan!!

and how could i forget to comment on Project Superstar? 4 contestants were cruelly kicked out.. but thankfully weilian still remained. from e start of e auditions till now, he's been e onli one i've supported wholeheartedly not coz i pity him for being blind, but coz he's e onli one who sings from the heart. i dunno how, but whenever he sings, his voice and emotions touches me. what's more, his bravery to stand up amongst his competitors despite his disability is reali admirable. he may not have e looks, e talent... but he definitely has e passion and perseverance to go on. his performance on wednesday may be a lil lacklustre, but i believe he'll reach greater heights in the later round. JIAYOU, WEILIAN!!!!!!!

the night before:

i dunno wat got into me. after blogging, its bout 1.50am. packed my stuff and went to sleep.. but i tossed and turned without any inclination of falling asleep. my senses suddenly became very heightened, to e state of hypersensitivity. onli my bro was in e room wif me. i lay on e mattress, an unknown force paralysing my body. i became acutely aware of e sounds around me; e churning of the air-con.. e creak of e window grille.. e bus passing by 14 storeys below. with each and every sound, my body froze and broke out in cold sweat. i have no idea why im so afraid. i opened my eyes and surveyed e surroundings for anything, but there was none. but whenver i closed my eyes, my ears took on even more alertness. i tot i vaguely heard e shrill sound of a whistle somewhere, and i juz stopped breathing altogether. i felt my heart thumping erratically and my brain was juz overwhelmed by fear. i chanted prayers and hoped dat e sound won come closer to me. it went away but e other sounds kept making me jump. i tried to tink positive tots, i tried to escape into dreamland. i forced myself to dream. but e noise would then wake me up again in the cold, dark room. i was so so afraid. it was a horrible feeling. i juz felt like screaming in fear to keep these away. there wasn't even e consideration to cry.. i juz felt reali empty in e head, my breathing was becoming heavy, i felt e central area of my face becoming numb. i felt like something was zapping my life, my consciousness away, like im going to faint or slip into a coma or juz die. i fought to keep awake and i jerked up in an abrupt motion that almost caused a cardiac arrest. i felt reali scared and reali helpless, but i knew nutting was wrong. it had to be my hallucination. i became so scared dat i resorted to creeping up e bed and sleeping next to my younger brother for security. i even put my fingers on his arm to feel his presence... i dunno what was happening to me and it was frightening. e time was oredi 3am and i realised dat i had been consumed by fear all this while for no reason at all. still, i couldnt sleep... e sounds seem to become an existent presence in my head. until i used my bolster to cover my ears so that i wont hear e sounds anymore, that i finally found sleep.

writing bout it makes me recall. and recalling it brings back all e physical contortions i've experienced last night. i feel my heart being repressed now.. im feeling scared....... i dunno what to do....... what the hell is wrong wif me????????

kiss me

2005-06-24T01:47:00.000+08:00

i juz love to hear these lovely innocent and pure tunes when everything else in my life seems to be so bleak. its by Sixpence none the richer. Eve and me juz adore e song to bits.

im heartened. by e peeps who came n offered me encouragement, or at e very least, a listening ear. it may not seem alot, but enuff to give me a considerable sense of comfort and bring some light back into the darkness. xiaowen. keng ee. chaoshun. azrul. ahh... ziheng too.

speaking of which, i was browsing thru my "Sent Items" in my hp juz now. i've got a habit of deleting msgs straight after i read them coz unliek my Sony Ecrisson, Nokia doesnt offer the "Delete All" option when e inbox is spilling over, so to save e future cost of time and effort of deleting msgs one by one, i've decided to juz get rid of it once i've read it. but sometimes, it'll slip my mind and some msgs gets retained in e inbox. so i was looking thru... den i saw e msgs sent to ziheng, and it sounded suspisciously fishy coz msgs in between were deleted. suppose someone were to look at these msgs, he'll prolly tink dat im having something on wif him. so lemme clear e air(based by wat i rmb la... coz most of it have been deleted):

ziheng: hey whats on ya mind recently?
applie: exams and personal problems...
ziheng: ya ok? -something like, what kinda problems-
applie: im alright
ziheng: tell mi bout ur problems
applie: thanx but nvm la.

blah blah blah (i forgot)

applie: hai, i dun intend to tell anyone bout it... dun wan word to spread around
ziheng: -something- i won tell anyone, i assure ya.
applie: as in, dats juz part of it. i dun intend to tell anybody bout it. Im not confident of teling it to anyone. And y u wanna trouble urself with dis anyway...
ziheng: its no trouble. i reali do care alright. -something-
applie: thanx but im not about to share. take it as my bad k?

-end of conversation-

dats e real thing. and now compare it to what is currently left...

applie: hai, i dun intend to tell anybody bout it.. dun wan word to spread around.
applie: as in, dats juz one part of it. im not confident of telling it to anyone. and y u wanna trouble urself wif dis anyway...
applie: thanx but im not bout to share. take it as my bad k?

like i secretly wif ziheng den dun wan ppl to noe liddat right? ahh.. in any case, we're not. and probably never will.

anyway, 2 papers down. 1 more to go in another 6 hours. lit paper 1. i totally have no idea how to study for it leh... so i juz went online and searched for some theme analysis and such. but dun tink it'll help much heh. im planning to wake up at 6am tml den go sch by 7 for last min study, but its almost 2 and im not in bed. coz im PARTY MOOD! chinese paper over liao and its a huge load off my chest! phew. so now i very relac...

well, econs went alright but not spectacularly good. at least i noe enuff to put ink on paper instead of spending most of my time dallying and staring blankly at e question, which is what usually happens 1 yr ago when im still an econs failure. but im planning to ace it for my A levels!!!!!!! er hum, but chinese wasn't as good la, coz i din prepare sufficiently. i mean, THERE CAN NV BE ENUFF TIME OR BRAIN CAPACITY TO PREPARE FOR CHINESE coz der's simply tooooooooo much to memorise. but i tink i managed to crap my way thru. shouldnt be a problem passing la.. geee.

tml going out wif andrew, yingpeng, elaine and chaoshun to town! yay yay... den saturday going tanning wif gwen!! after dat sch reopen liao... i haben finish my homework leh. how ah?

i DIY-cut my fringe. but e rest of my hair needs trimming.. its getting too thick. but im phobic of haircuts liao. hate e way it turns out everytime. mebbe i'll juz content for now.

whats wif e internal strife in blogsphere bout SPG and xiaxue? basically, there's nutting between them directly but ppl are making up stories and criticising xiaxue for being jealous bout hogging the limelight with e boobs on SPG's entry. yea, she posted a naked pic for herself on her blog. den ppl had to go and kick up a big fuss over it. c'mon la, there's so much porn on the Net and u wanna pick on this tiny pic that shows her body in black and white? summo, its an artistically-taken picture lor. SEE WHAT I MEAN BY SUPERFICIALITY? den xiaxue being her usual sarcastic-humorous persona, wrote bout how SPG's boobs looked weird and commenting bout e fuss in e media over that. den it juz spiralled wen e ppl started to put words into her mouth and all. so misconstrued that WanBao even posted a picture of xiaxue and identified her as SPG in a horrific mistake of direct translation from TNP.

one word: RIDICULOUS. and i completely feel for it coz the issue bout me and ziheng has been scandalised in the same pathetic and horrible way. hey ppl, get ur facts right la. u're causing unnecessary stress and tarnish on ppl (xiaxue is facing a breakdown amidst hate mail from ppl defending SPG) as well as e inevitable criticism on their social life and habits (SPG's family upbringing got dragged into the picture). and all this won escalate to such a ugly state if u guys bothered to keep ur gossip-hungry mouths shut or even tried to clarify e truth instead of juz "duan zhang qu yi" from hearsay. bleah. enuff of this sick shee-it.

i almost gave myself away while trying to spy on it. im certain im close to having a heart attack last nite. xian is not home and i got no one to tok to bout this. e problem is staring me in e face right now and i can do nutting but keep my eyes shut and pretend its not der, while trying to figure how to make it go away. quite futile as i can see it. and e fear is growing like a malignant tumour as days go by. if i dun solve it, or if there is no cure, i'll be devoured by it someday.

i dun wan it to happen. im scared. =(

screwed up world, screwed up life

2005-06-21T01:47:00.000+08:00

tell mi what can i possibly do now? i seriously wanna find an outlet to let it out, but i jolly well noe e bearing of this matter if dis gets out. no.. not even my frenz muz know. i dun even tink my sis can be trusted now... its not dat im biased or what, but she judges too extremely and leaves no room for other considerations. it makes it harder that its a very touchy subject and broaching it alone is painful enuff. what makes things worse is dat she's real stubborn and i dun have e luxury of energy to go explaining the philosohies behind it. she likes to tink dat everyone is entitled to their own opinions and i shouldnt exert mine on her. im not saying she cant have her own views; its juz dat i wan her to see a broader and more mature perspective of things. but going into it will juz evolve into a quarrel over differing viewpoints, which isnt e central focus. and recently, im feeling reali frustrated that i tend to snap at her too quickly when she gets on e wrong side of my nerves. juz bout 15 mins, she said something insulting and im still reeling from it. i noe its not true but it hurts all e same and it makes me wonder why she comes up wif it anyway. mebbe she misunderstood or juz wanted to find something to spite me wif. doesnt help that kor is in camp e whole of e week... e entire burden seems to rest on my shoulders now. its a fragile balance and im trying my bestest to keep it there. nobody understands e kind of restrain i gotta put myself thru in order not to show any signs of abnormality when i juz wanna burst in tears. having no one to trust or to confide in juz add fuel to e fire.

i hope i get e exams over n done wif asap. currently, im still in a state to concentrate but once it hits e brim, thats it. for now, i'll manage. for e sake of my family... went studying wif evelyn today at her country club and i barely finished half of what i normally would have done. 2 more days to econs paper... but im more worried for my Chinese and Lit..

worries worries worries.

went to OG Orchard to try and change e tee for pa but it was outta stock so it was quite a wasted trip. had to go to e loo when i was waiting at e bus stop to go home, so i went to e nearest building which was Winsland House. and e ladies had to be situated at e 4th floor... so i need to take e lift with all those working adults as dey stared at me in my tee and track pants. so intimidating. and i had e misfortune to be there at e peak hour so when i was going out, it was practically "people mountain people sea". during e bus ride which took a good 1 hour despite being 174e, i tot bout lotsa stuff. i tried to sleep and shut my mind out coz i was reali zoned out after sleeping late yesterday, but my brain doesnt allow me to. e thoughts juz kept rushing thru... one after another... i feel so helpless.

i cant seem to find e strength to keep me strong. somebody tell mi wer to go find it...

raindrops keep falling on my head

2005-06-20T02:40:00.000+08:00

its almost 3am. its raining outside. everyone's asleep by now. its dead silent except for e roll of thunder. perfect weather for snuggling in bed and for feeling comfortable.

and its during these kinda moments when u feel most vulnerable. for no reason, ur heart starts to feel queer. its an odd feeling of discomfort, and u try to squirm outta it. den e psychological part comes in. ur mind starts to wonder bout things u've chucked away at e corner of ur mind, things u least wanna tink about coz it hurts.

it makes sleeping so much harder when the prospect of crying it out in oblivion seems like an easier option...

pig-o-rama

2005-06-20T00:24:00.000+08:00

happy father's day! we went out for dinner at Blk 526... acutali wanted to go somewhere more special coz its Father's Day bu coz we din plan beforehand, we settled for dat instead coz pa suggested it. in e car, i tried to persuade em to go marina bay for dat ultra-cheap steamboat buffet but ma said its too rushed to go all e way der since kor had to book in at 10 plus so... nvm. den we went to popular to exploit my 20% discount voucher... bought like $54.54 worth of stuff. gave pa e white Goldlion polo tee and realised it was too big. heading down to OG tml to try n change it to size M, but dunno whether can or not coz its oredi past 7 days... shall try my luck anyway.

yesterday went studying wif chaoshun at Nanyang CC. actuali, he sneaked me into e study room coz a membership was needed to access e room and i din have it. stayed der from 11 plus till close to 7. chaoshun left bout 5+ to meet his fren. wah.. its a very very quiet place and reali conducive to study in. e tables were cubicle-style so no worries bout disturbances. e onli gripe i have is e chair... soooo uncomfortable. sitting der for a few hours can be quite ass-numbing. geee, and i broke e rules by eating snacks wen im not allowed to. der's a CCTV at e corner of e room, so chaoshun made me sit right at e side so dat it won catch me. haha. anyway, chaoshun was quite a good companion to study wif. he offers entertainment i.e introducing me to some nice New Age songs, gets me out for munchies i.e he whisked me off to KFC at 4 plus to eat Cheese Fries while i ate Shrooms Burger, and keeps quiet wen he's supposed to. did i mention he looks reali cool wif e braces? they are TEAL in colour... very striking! haha.

shishi msged me today using fir's hp. it went something like "i love you ah... i still got feelings for you." im like.... hmmmm... so i replied, "even if u give me money to take him back, i oso dun wan ah, haha." its her bdae today anyway... happie birthday to u! anyway, it was quite amusing la, tho i dunno wat she's up to. probably testing my response? but seriously, im over fir liao. yea, i do tink back of e times we shared as a couple, but its merely recounting e feeling of being loved and not longing for e person himself. it just so happens dat our breakup was quite a traumatic one for me and till now, i couldnt get over e pain. these days, i wasnt feeling reali good and optimistic bout stuff so it juz dug up past experiences of pain and letdowns.

sigh. i tink im too paranoid. a symptom i had last time. i cried bout 2 times ever since my spirits started rolling downhill. e first time, i shan't elaborate coz its a personal matter. but its scary nonetheless... i dun tink it'll break up e family constitution but still, its a sensitive thing. and probably will do a reasonable deal of damage if it ever comes to light. upon finding out, i got reali afraid and i juz msged my bro in camp. din noe wat to do, felt so helpless so e tears juz came. my sis heard and came over, so i told her bout it and she started crying too. e second time, was because my sis came home late. she was supposed to go to jp for a while to do her fren a favour, but she took longer than expected. so i called her hp and it was switched off. its like 10 plus oredi... so i kinda got worried. den i called her other hp... got thru and it suddenly got cut off. when i called back again, it was switched off. i panicked like shit... my heart juz kept thumping madly against e heart cavity and i ran over to my kor's room. i was almost hysterical when i told him bout it coz i tot mebbe she got abducted or something and e perpetrator turned off her hp, not knowing she had a second hp. so wen he heard it ringing, he interrupted e call and switched it off. turned out dat she left her second hp in kor's room and it switched off due to low batt. den i frantically msged her to call home and went to open e door to wait for her. wen she finally called, i juz kept quiet and went to my room coz i was in too much agony to say anything. when she came home, i stayed silent when i would have normally screamed at her for coming home late. till it became too much to bear. i went to e kitchen for some ice cream to calm myself down when pa came over and questioned me, so i juz broke down.

but reali, this sis of mine ought to be more responsible la. it doesnt matter if she goes out late as long as she bothers to tell us when she'll be back home. but everytime, she'll exceed e supposed time she told us she'll be back and she doesnt call back or msg until its reali late. dats why i always had to holler at her when she comes back home. not a very nice thing to do la... but she juz won repent despite e number of times i've been nagging at her to do it. even kor had to interfere at times. den she'll get real pissed and give lotsa reasons for why she's late. still, dats no excuse not to account to us ma... i mean, ppl at home will worry what... she probably doesnt know i scream at her coz i care since i show it in such an unruly way. ah well, i dun need her to know anyway. ppl care without having to let others noe bout it, juz like how ma loves us. tho she doesnt speak so, juz by showing concern by cooking or even nagging is enuff to let me know dat she genuinely cares for us.

coming back to e topic of paranoia. i reali dunno how to get rid of this demon. it has become a part of me. i tend to tink of e most pessimistic situations when something crops up. say, if my fren is late for 1 hour for no reason, i'll be tinking... "where could she be? could she have gotten lost? could she have been held up? could she have overslept? could she have been accosted?? what could they have done to her? is she safe? could she have an accident? WHAT IF ITS FATAL? DOES ANYONE KNOW? IS E AMBULANCE IN TIME TO SAVE HER? ARE THE DOCTORS CAPABLE TO REVIVE HER? WHAT HAPPENS IF THE DOCTORS HAD A MISHAP WHILE HAVING THE SURGERY???????????????" that's my thought process for that 1 hr entirely. frightening huh? den i'll be there trying to contact her, pacing up and down blah blah blah.. now that things are not reali going my way, my paranoia seems to go one notch higher and im reali tortured by it. cant concentrate on my work and i keep tinking bout it till sometimes, i even cry. its silly i noe.. but say if it were to come true, i'll be truly devastated. and e degree of fear i have of that possibility is so high that it makes me break down upon tinking bout it.

I'm tired of rumors starting
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lying
Saying what they want about me
Why can't they back up off me
why can't they let me live
I'm gonna do it my way
Take this for just what it is

im coming to terms wif e rumour. but e emotional consequences that have been dragged up from e past doesnt wanna go away...

back in e doldrums

2005-06-16T22:57:00.000+08:00

u nv knew juz a mere knowledge of dat incident could send me back to e state of how i was 4 yrs ago.

it wasnt bout e incident. im over it. but it oredi ripped off e scab, opened up e wound and started to grope my previous injury again. and dats wat is hurting me so much.

i feel like crying at everything i see, everything i hear. i feel so impossible empty yet full of sadness and anguish. i duno how to describe it. i feel like something grabbing at my throat, u noe, dat kinda feeling wen ur about to cry. a sour feeling seeps up ur nose and ur eyes moisten. den i feel e pressure on my chest... like some invisible force pressing on it. i feel like i cant breathe and i juz wanna scream. inwardly, it feels like someone squeezing my heart tightly and it feels real terrible. it feels all so familar. all those ugly memories rushing back like a tidal wave. i tried to contain it but it couldnt. it seems as if juz a few days ago, my best friends ran away and backstabbed me. it seems as if juz a few hours ago, untrue rumours spread across e classes and i was misunderstood to e worst case possible. it seems as if juz a few minutes ago, alvin passed away. it seems as if juz a few seconds ago, firdaus left me.

so much for being Miss Nice. so much for trying to be a stronger person. so much for morphing heartaches into smiles and laughter. so much for building up my inner strength and devoting my outer energies to e ppl who matter to me. so much for trusting once more.

i feel so unnatural trying to be e usual person i am. i was consoling jinyi juz now... i felt like breaking down myself. i was asking chaoshun how he was with his fren.... i felt so tired. i was toking to firdaus bout philosophies of relationships, i felt like telling him things that i shouldnt. i feel like being e weakling i used to be last time... let everything come and crush me. i'll juz succumb to e blows till u hit me no more. it suddenly dawned on me how hard it is to be stronger, to be braver. but i have come this far.. i've overcome e odds.. i've learnt valuable experiences and lessons. im not about to let go of these things.

i love, care for and respect ppl i regard. but why don't i get e same kind of treatment as well? mebbe im not tinking hard enuff but i cant tink of someone who reali loves me now. i noe my parents and my family do, but mebbe for now, i cant feel it. and if dat is so, doesnt it mean dat it aint enuff? i juz wan someone to come n shelter me from the onslaught of these traumatising memories. i promise i won need for long... juz this while will do...

pissified

2005-06-15T00:37:00.000+08:00

some ppl juz cant keep their mouth shut. firdaus told me even e ppl in ngee ann noe bout e scandal of me and ziheng. and i got labelled as a boyfren stealer. great... ppl whom i dun even noe are probably gossiping bout it a few hundred miles away from me. it doesnt matter if its true. e fact dat they dunno e full works of e issue is juz frustrating. word gets from mouth to ear to mouth to ear a few million times over, and there's bound to be distortion of the story. yea, IT IS A STORY. ppl juz dun like to hear e truth... dey LOVE e falsified part that provides all e juicy bits. and i reali reali reali have no idea y the world works liddat. weird aint it? i cant reali blame them for being this way too. but if ppl all keep to e principle of honesty and integrity, won it be a betta place for all?

i haben been this worked up for long. e last time it happened was in sec sch when my best frenz turned against me and some others started spreading rumours bout wat happened. i mean, its juz plain vicious la. i duno who did it, but i hope these ppl have a conscience bout wat dey're saying. i juz felt like an old wound dats chucked aside for long, being ripped apart again. this issue is not reali a big matter la, but e fact dat it reminds me of a past experience is juz traumatising all over again. becoz of dat incident, i clammed up. i refused to tell anyone bout my problems and how i was feeling. when e angst and frustrations built up to a climax and i cant take it anymore, i juz took it all out on the penknife. now dat im slowly walking out from dat shadow, its all beginning to cast its malicious gloom on me again. i swear im never going to trust anyone again. im never going to confide in anybody anymore. dun cajole me into these games anymore.

i won bother clearing up my innocence. der's too many ppl to clarify to anyway. its useless. some ppl are juz not worth e effort. let em speak wateva dey wan and i won care, as long as my conscience is clear. dats all dat i hafta account for. i'll let time and fate decide e rest.

ppl who truly noe me, noe best. juz wanna thank firdaus for standing up for me. and for those who in one way or another facilitated this spreading, u noe who you are. my heartfelt thank you for making me learn a valuable lesson.

and now i noe e power of e mouth. "Fan ke yi luan chi, hua bu ke yi luan jiang" now i truly comprehend e meaning of this saying. why dun dey propagate "seeing is believing" instead?

im a church extra

2005-06-14T22:02:00.000+08:00

haha. i acted as a calafare yesterday in e movie "One More Chance". very fun experience, except dat der are so many takes of e same scene dat it can get boring at times. and e waiting part too.. super super sian. i guess this is how movie filming goes... nv knew its so tiring, esp. for e production crew. hope it'll be a success for em ba! and if u happen to catch e movie, do look out for me during e last few scenes in e church haha. anyway, im supposed to get 30 bucks for juz sitting der and acting a few bits here and der. got few meals too. pretty cool huh? i dragged my lil sis along too haha, but its like from 8am till 7pm de timing... so if u dun mind e sweltering weather, putting up wif repetitive takes, its quite a nice bargain if ur free to take it up. gotta thank Chaoshun for giving us this rare chance to appear on e big screen, and his sis for being e facilitator and for fetching us der.

went to johor on sunday wif my family to collect rent. but its quite a disappointing shopping trip tho. we went to The Store, which used to be loaded wif bargains and nice clothes. but turned out dat its becoming obsolete soon and e place is quite sparse le. but i managed to get a purple off-shoulder top wif e ribbon on e side for bout 35 ringgit. der were a couple of nice-looking tops as well but i figured it wasnt reali worth e money. before dat, we went to Plaza Angsana for groceries. me and sis went to e upper levels of UOcean to look at e clothes and i tried on a black tunic. but i din buy it coz i tot The Store would have betta bargains... now i regret it. gotta wait a few more months b4 going to johor again, and this time around, we're going to Metrojaya or Jaya Jusco instead.

today, i went to JE library to study wif evelyn. did some quite work la.. finished my Chinese Essay and finished recapping part (D) and (E) of Role of Government. but we stayed der for bout 5 hrs+, so this lil bit is considered unproductive le. sigh... one more week to common test. dunno whether can cram everything by den or not. shucks.. now den i realised i shld have studied for common test instead of wasting my time doing Chinese and Lit homework coz dey won come out for common test. shee-it.

i wonder why ppl like to use "Fuck" so much. its invented for a purpose, which i figured is to express extreme emotions of anger, distress or frustration. by right, i tot its original definition is to have sexual intercourse, but mebbe it got miscontrued to this day. but these days, esp. teenagers juz like to pepper their conversations with this word as if it's so cool to do so. imagine hearing it in Layman's term, "Have sex you" when u say "Fuck you". seriously, its been severely abused for e wrong purpose. moreover, its so crude. i juz cant find it anywhere on my tongue to speak this word. i find it even more bewildering when girls use it. Girls saying "Have sex you" to guys? Eww.

for those who know me, i treasure love more than everything else. and dat love includes kinship, friendship and relationships. material stuff nv reali did matter dat much to me unless these are fulfilled. i live for these basal emotions and onli den, will my life be a meaningful one because without love, its like a body without a soul. haven't u heard dat love conquers all? dats why i treat my frenz with my utmost sincerity, i love my family with my best (tho i may not express it fully), and i'll shower my beloved one with affection and concern. i believe in touching ppl with my emotions and care for them because these ppl mean alot to me. it doesnt matter if i dun get to live in a luxurious home, or get a high earning career, or a reputable social status. at e end of e day, in striving for these, u lose e capacity for e basic human emotions of love and affections. why do u tink dat primitive ppl lived without worries? dey may not have experienced e kind of romantic and sacrifical love we have nowadays, but the bond amongst them is expressed thru battles to protect their own tribe, thru working as a community against external forces.

speaking of that, i miss e feeling of being in love. but unfortunately, i dun have anybody i like now. too bad ^.^

once in a blue moon

2005-06-12T23:42:00.000+08:00

how apt since me and xiaowen haben met in almost a year already.

we went to town (again!) and intended to catch Mr and Mrs Smith. but wen we went to Plaza, e queue snaked all e way from e counter to e lift lobby, which is just horrifying. and e tix were selling so fast dat e next available show was 6pm (we reached der at 2+) and dey had prolly 5 shows starting from den till 6pm. mmmmmmmmm. juz goes to show how good this movie i guess. so we dismissed e idea and went to Starbucks for a snack. and xw introed me to New York cheesecake, which was plain addictive and sinful. she swears that she can achieve an orgasm juz by eating dat. hahaa. doesnt apply to me tho. e coffee eclair was reali commendable too... so nice dat e hot cocoa paled in contrast to these confectionary dat it actuali tasted bitter.

took a walk down to OG and dats where we began our rampage. i bought e corduroy pants... weee! but holla, i had to upgrade to a L size. eeeks. we were like, at Fiorucci (e brand) for almost 45 mins trying on stuff we would have nv worn b4 coz its so affordable. believe it or not, both of us squeezed into e same cubicle. two approaching 18-year-olds. hahaha. but its this kinda experience dat colour ur life, aint it? after dat, we went up and looked around for more clothes. bought a Goldlion polo shirt for my daddy for Father's Day. juz wen we're bout to exit, xw decided to go back to Fiorucci and buy summo stuff. haha. she bought 5 tops in all, if im not wrong... bout onli 60 bucks at most? e best bargain u can eva have... and she looks reali good in those clothes. i couldnt have pulled it off, man.

den we went to The Heeren to pursue our fav. pasttime... NEOPRINTS! i missed taking neoprints wif her... i still rmbed e number of times we could patronise a neoprint machine in juz 2 hrs in our sec sch days, together wif joan and simyee. e max was like 6? everytime we went to a mall, e first thing we wanna do is to take neoprints. yep, those were e days. and this time around, it turned out reali nice... as usual. hahaha. we wanted a lesbian pose of us pretending to kiss but due to a lack of experience and expertise, we din choose dat shot coz it looked too fake la. oh, and xiaowen got me 2 beautiful bikinis for last yr's x'mas and this yr's bdae. hahaa. one's pink and one's blue. and i can use e blue one for tanning since its almost like a tube, except for e straps. weeeeeee! thanx so much.

we made a deal to go out during e last week of e hols. and i cant wait already. ^.^

i love my facial cleanser.

2005-06-10T22:50:00.000+08:00

hahaa. my title has no relevance or watsoever. i juz typed wateva came to my mind dat very instant. but since its THE TITLE, i shall give it some spotlight and free advertising. The brand is Clear O2, available exclusively from Watsons. e skincare range onli consists of 4 products; cleanser, toner, exfoliator, anti-acne serum. currently, i haben tried e exfoliator yet coz its a freakin 29 bucks for one bottle. but as for e others, its reali effective for oily skin like me. most of my peeps know how prone my face is to pimple breakouts, but ever since i started using this brand, i dun have a single breakout at all, lest some occasional bumps here and there dat disappear as soon as i pile on the anti-acne serum. doesnt come cheap tho... both e cleanser n toner is 19 bucks per bottle of 100ml and e seurm is 23 bucks. actuali i din bear to buy but my mum told me it'd be a gd investment if it reali did help my skin. may be a lil pricey but its still cheaper than other dermatologist-prescribed solutions. so ya... juz a wee bit of info on dat.

i realised dat i tend to repeat words in sentences den wat i intended to say doesnt make any sense anymore. like in my previous entry, i spotted 3 errors. e first is "make everyone make for her" when i meant "make everyone wait". e second is "the small was small" when i meant "the place is small". e third is "it got used to it liao" when i meant "i got used to it liao". and speech-wise, i cant seem to articulate properly these days. lack of oral practice i guess. i keep stumbling over my words, or i hesitate coz i cant find e right word in my head at dat instant. mmmm...

din go out wif xiaowen today coz my lil bro had a fever and started to have diarrhoea this morning. since everyone is out, i stayed home to take care of him instead. my apologies to xiaowen for dat. i promise to get u something nice frm johor on sunday. well, e day was spent mostly on sleeping. i woke up at 11, ate breakfast, watched some tv and went to nap. den my bro woke me up at around 2 to cook maggie mee for him. after eating lunch, i watched MTV den felt bored and went to sleep again. woke up at around 6 this time... decided to do some abdominal exercises b4 going to bath. ate dinner.. watched tv again and here i am. bahh.... one day wasted liddat. but truly, i had no mood to do work. i duno why. not disciplined enuff today.. *slaps myself 100 times across e cheeks* aiyo, how can???????? common test is juz one week away... and e whole weekend would be spent going out. wer got time to study??? mebbe i'll do midnight study instead... i dun feel sleepy anyway. hah. outing wif xiaowen postponed to tml. she said to call me tonight but its 11 oredi and i dun hear a single ring. mebbe she forgot. haha.

fact of the day: soya bean increases female hormones. as claimed by my sis. and i prolly finished half a litre of it thru-out e day. hahahaha.

im pretty sure i've stagnated at e developing stage of puberty. which means, im not fully developed. or mebbe im juz born with this amount of hormones and it has oredi reached its full productive capacity. coz i dun see myself growing any taller or any more bosomy. bleah. i onli feel myself growing horizontally. i dun mind my current appearance, but sometimes i do feel inferior to e ppl around me la. still, i accept it positively coz i noe its juz skin-deep and wat reali matters is my personality. my outlook is not something i can help, but of coz i can make myself more beautiful inside so i shall work on dat more instead.

Project Superstar is very nice! similar to Singapore Idol but i like it much betta coz e judges are much nicer and e hosts were great. anyway, there was this blind contestant who got into the second round of audition and he sang I Believe by Fan Yi Chen. its soooo moving, coz he sings with such sincerity. e whole crowd was dead silent and hearing his voice resonate around e stage. he may not look great, nor has wat it takes to be a superstar, but he definitely has touched everyone with his voice. he's soo much betta than those ppl singing for e sake of impressing ppl. i juz felt like crying when he sang the song... come to tink of it, i saw him b4 performing on e streets as a busker. reali admire ppl like this coz dey got e courage and the heart what they believe in. my utmost respects to him.

did u get to see Kelly Clarkson's music video of "Behind these hazel eyes"? she's soooooooooooo beautiful and mesmerising. she doesnt have e classic beauty of "pretty pretty" or supermodel material (speaking of which, i tink supermodels look ugly. dey onli have e body) but she has very charming features. and e video is very nicely shot too. and Ayumi's "My name's WOMEN". super girl powerrrrrrrrrr and as usual, she looks stunning. and i downloaded "Step You" oredi.. v.v.v.v. nice. haha.

everytime e holidays come, i resoluted to learn how to cook/bake or make stuff but i nv gotten down to doing it. argh~ i wanna learn how to make ba zhang but mummy won teach me coz she's too busy. =(

deniece is missing her ben ben coz he went to m'sia. juz wanna tell her dat time will pass real soon and before u noe it, he'll be back. ^.^

shall we dance?

2005-06-09T22:51:00.000+08:00

superficiality is so prevalent in Singapore nowadays. i dun get it... ya, a certain degree of image-consciousness is important yet some ppl juz go wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy overboard. one classical example would be one of e girls frm my pre-u sem group. she wakes up wen everyone was still sleeping and makes up her hair for heaven-knows-how-long with her home-brought hairdryer. dat's e personal thing and i dun mind as long as she doesnt harm anybody, but e fact dat she comes down half an hour late for breakfast and makes everyone make for her juz so she can do up her hair, is sooooo not right. well, i juz swallowed it down whole and juz told her nicely to keep track of e time from now on. besides dat, she said "applie" sounded toopid and silly and dat i shld revert to Elaine when i clearly told her e purpose of choosing "applie". ahh... she had to kick up a fuss over a mere name... but i took it nicely all e same. but e last straw would be proclaiming on her online journal dat on seminar night, e tears shed by e SLOs were tooo dramatic and uncalled for. i mean.. its not like we deliberately wanted to cry. we certainly dun look great wif puffy eyes n swollen lips, do we? we cried becoz of our efforts put in and paid off... but she juz couldnt see e meaning behind our tears. den dats juz too bad.. some ppl juz aint appreciative i guess. and this is juz one of e soooo many ppl dat i noe but dey're shallow in other ways la... sigh. i feel sad to tink of it. realli.

snap out of it, ppl. it aint doing u any good to judge based on looks. dun be so shallow... u'll get to noe betta things in life and beget more sincerity if u look deep inside of those around you. age and time will do monstrous things to ur physical outlook, but nutting about ur character will ever change even till e day u die. but im assuming ceteris paribus la... i mean, some circumstances may make ppl change their inner being over time. so do urself and others a favour. superficiality is not to be championed. im not criticising anybody in particular but i juz hope dat dey find betta meaning in everything they encounter. its truly sad dat some ppl juz scrape e surface n conclude dat it is/is not of good stuff, den dey forgo all dat goodness lying beneath dat exterior.

enuff said. today i went swimming with elaine n chaoshun at Arena country club today. e small was small but its very quiet since its a weekday, and we get e whole pool to ourselves!!!! great weather; cloudy n no sun but it was disappointing for elaine n chaoshun coz dey intended to tan. for me, i juz wanted to exercise so it din matter. spent bout 2 hrs der, mostly chatting bout stuff n all. at first i was quite conscious bout wearing a bikini in front of chaoshun. i did wear it in front of him during e F1 outing earlier this yr but i wore shorts dat time and he wasnt around me quite often. this time, its a full-fledged display of pink candy-striped bikini and flab. haha. but it got used to it liao la... and i guess its time to be more confident of myself coz der'll be more swimming n tanning in time to come! went to bath and pig out at BK. den chaoshun had to leave for his lil date, so me and elaine stayed till bout 6 to study. weeeeee, i managed to finish my chinese assignment, paper 8 drama analysis and started on one paragraph of my chinese essay. haha. not alot actuali, but considering its juz e first day of serious mugging, i commend myself for e effort ^.^ haha.

Primetime News Headline: Dear Mummy has agreed to sponsor my 30 dollars bikini! i swear im gonna scrimp n save for e next half of this yr so dat i dun hafta take so much pocket money from her.

tml going to town wif xiaowen!! haben met her in close to a yr, perhaps? wow.. we're gonna watch Mr and Mrs Smith, den we gonna pig out on stuff and possibly go window shopping again. hahaa. i cant get tired of window-shopping coz i juz cant wait to get my hands on everything! soooooo delectable!!!!!! but due to budget constraint, im onli left wif like 20 bucks for Bugis, Plaza Singapura, Wisma Atria, Takashimaya, Wheelock Place. bleah.. its Mission Impossible practically. i shall juz drool at e stuff outside e glass windows den might as well dump e 20 bucks in e bank. because..........................................................................................................................

IM GOING TO JOHOR THIS SUNDAY!!!!! WHICH MEANS MORE MORE MORE SHOPPING!!!! AND IN RINGGIT SUMMO!!! WHICH MEANS I GET TO SPEND MORE FREELY!!!!! WHOOHOOOOOO!!!

aiya, i tink im going crazy. i haben gone shopping during e GSS season in e whole of my life, so pls forgive me for being so hyped up bout it. anyway, im not a major spender even if i am going on a spree.

i wanna learn dancing at StudioWu. esp. street jazz and hiphop. i wanna take up Modern Indian dance too, but its not offered der. currently, onli True Yoga does.. and im quite sure it costs a bomb. BOOM! i've been harping on this for so long.. but mostly i dun do it coz of e lack of time. dun wanna risk my A levels for it...

exciting weekend ahead. i cant wait i cant wait! shall go paint my nails coz e old layer is cracking quite horribly hehee... tata!

guess my phone model??

2005-06-08T23:10:00.000+08:00

gee i changed back to nokia liao. and i got myself e 7260 model, e black n red one. doesnt look "applie" at all but its nice la. e packaging is sooooooo stylo! it came wif this black leather pouch wif a black leather strap but i din bear to use so i decided to save it for grander occasions instead. meanwhile, it shall be decorated wif my Happy House butterfly and e blue prism heart that dear Rachel gave us during Talentime. actuali i din reali wanna change my Sony Ericsson K500i coz i oredi used to it and its not even half a year old. anyway, i got quite tired of changing phones as well.. but since my papa got free voucher and his plan needs upgrading, i traded in my old phone for this new gizmo for absolutely zero dollars! and it's got a clearer camera as well as FM radio! yabadabadooooooo~

half e world has watched Madagascar. i belong to e pathetic other half.
ALL BCOZ EVE AND FIDZ PROMISED TO WATCH IT TOGETHER, E 3 OF US BUT DEAR EVE OREDI WATCHED IT WIF HER FRENZ!! !@#$%

so dear fidz n i shall go watch it ourselves after/before a day of tanning and shopping. speaking of which, i oredi met up wif her twice this week, yesterday and today. yesterday she asked me out for swimming but i dragged her out for shopping instead. so we went to town... got xiaowen her advanced bdae present, a pair of Waveline goggles and a white tube top which cost me 13 bucks onli! it used to be like 40+ and it got slashed down for e Great Singapore Sale. i wanted to get a pair of corduroy pants as well (U.P $109 NOW $19) but aiya.. it aint a necessity so i decided to save e money for something else. finally got a taste of e XXL Crispy Chicken from Shih Lin Taiwan Street Snacks. very nice.. but very spicy. me and fidz were like sweating away and gulping green tea on our way to OG from Far East. den today, we went out to town again. but dats after 2 hrs of swimming at Jurong East. gwen was supposed to come coz i promised to go tanning wif her at sentosa but heavens above decided to rain so i made a deal to go wif gwen on e last day of our paper instead. no sun, so fidz n me went swimming instead. good workout i muz say... wanted to stay longer but fidz no more stamina liao haha.. so we bathed n hit town again! this time we went to robinsons.. nutting new lor... SALE everywhere... got me real real real tempted. went to The Heeren and got myself a denim tote dats going for onli 15 bucks when its usual price was 49 bucks. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... den headed to Far East again to eat mee sua from Shih Lin and went on a rampage for a halter tube bikini to go tanning! found a couple of super-nice ones but i wasnt willing to buy coz of e price... 30 bucks leh... muz get sponsorship first... coz i keep withdrawing from my bank account. muz keep it in check.. if not, i'll juz spiral outta control with all these friggin' nice clothings.........

and tml im going swimming/tanning (depending on whether e sun wans to come out or not) wif elaine!!!! wahhhhhhh... haha. i've got a affinity for e pool these days. and did i mention dat fidz wans me to go sentosa wif her this sat??????!!!!! hahahaa... im gonna get skin cancer from all dat sun la... but its my onli chance before e common test starts. gonna start serious mugging after all dat play. in fact, after swimming, we gonna study together liao... anyway, i got back my Econs essay. 16/25... so so sucky! overall i had a B grade, but i could have done betta... Mr Tan commented dat my pts were phrased in a way dat it din answer e question so he couldnt award me e marks dat my content shld have gotten. bah. but nvm... shall treat it as a lesson and from now on, i gonna practise more on my essays! weeeeeeeee!

reviewed CAEZURA's dance from e cd AVAC kindly burnt for us. i guess we din do betta coz we din have enuff impact on e audience... no climax at all, so its like, e audience keeps wanting to see more but din manage to. and i realised we repeated 2 of our routines... we din feel it mattered but watching it makes a whole lot of difference coz it suddenly seemed all similar and repetitive. oh well, i guess its too late. for now, im comtemplating dancing for Teacher's Day celebration. Mrs Razal would love dat man... but i dunno if e other girls wan or not. dey probably wanna concentrate on their studies... we'll see how ba.

and i found out dat a whole load of ppl actuali have access to my blog. i dun mind em reading but pls, dun advertise it or anything. and worse still, dun go n contort stories or watsoeva juz coz u read a one-sided account from me. my blog is purely personal but i swear dat everything i said is true. no self-created lies or wat, so i won change anything here juz coz i dun wan ppl to see. go ahead and read but at e same time, juz respect my wishes la. it does u no good to go n make mountains outta molehills. thanx a million ^.^

after thoughts

2005-06-05T16:39:00.000+08:00

i may have lost my voice, lost my patience, lost my cool, lost my strength at NTU during e past 5 days n 4 nights, i gained a wonderful SLO experience, friends and alot of life lessons. i learnt to be stronger, to be more tolerant than i already was. though it may not be as fulfilling as orientation, e accomplishment is still reali satisfying. dats y i cried during seminar night. all e scolding, bearing wif fellow SLOs who din keep to e protocol, trying so hard to hype up e participants wif all those boring talks and all, it was worth it. apple came up to me during e last day and gave me a hug, told me how wonderful it was being an OGL, now dat he himself has gone thru e experience. same goes for yihao, minus e hug tho. so sad~ haha.

and i realised i missed Group 13. i saw fitria's blog, and she saluted JJC for our "infinity percentage of effort" for everything! whoohoo... dats our reward for slogging so hard. anyway, i slept until 5pm today. beat that ^.^

i miss deniece. its her bdae 2 days ago and i wasnt able to celebrate it wif her coz i was away at pre-u seminar. boohoo. cant wait to see her in sch next week. and im soooooo looking forward to holiday lessons. i dunno why. haha. and ima mug wif chaoshun and elaine at arena country club everyday after some swimming/gym in preparation for our exams. cool huh? dats healthy living for u... i cant wait to get down to my books and start doing my homework. but getting it done is another story altogether.

i need to revamp my blog. its B-O-R-I-N-G. no tagboard, no layout, nutting. ewks.

im changing my phone tml. AGAIN. coz pa juz got his $500 voucher so he's gonna upgrade. mebbe he'll pass down his 6230 to me. or mebbe he'll trade in his and make me trade in mine, den both of us will get new phones. yay! haha.

i need hugs. and kisses. im deprived of it for so long. but im not desperate. juz feel emotionally empty dats all. that's e one thing dat lingers after having experienced an earth-shattering love wif someone for so long and be left with nothing in just a short period of time. dun worry, its natural; im not eager to lap up anyone who's juz keen to get it on wif me. im still waiting for Mr. Right. meanwhile, i shall dedicate my life to my family, my friends and ppl around me. i found out dat i had alot more to give to these ppl after breaking up wif firdaus. and im determined not to change that even after i found my Mr. Right.

i seriously need to dance too! i juz feel like moving it when i switch on to MTV and hear all those dancey tunes. jinyi told me dat Wu Studio is offering 10 sessions for 100 bucks... can choose whichever genre i like. street jazz, hiphip, funk... wateva. sounds like a good deal. but going wif him alone is kinda awkward huh...

ma juz scolded me for staying up late. haha. well i slept too much liao. but i shall be a good girl n sleep more den. nightz~

Pre-University Seminar 2005

2005-06-03T22:31:00.000+08:00

overall it was a roaring success on JJ's part as organisers. we received accolades from alot of schs, especially the students. i guess this is what our human touch has done to ppl from all kinds of background. our hard work over e past 2 months has finally paid off. but i won dare say e same for individual group la. got mixed feelings bout it lor. juz a quick recap...

monday was our first interaction with em. did a pretty good job of ushering em to their respective halls of residence and making em feel comfrtable as much as possible. my first impression of my group was quite alright coz dey ored started to mingle around themselves. had all e admin stuff settled within e day and had icebreakers. quite enjoyable and wat's impressive was dat e spirit was oredi quite high by den. had a lashing by mr leow during debrief coz we had some slip-ups dat werent obvious to e participants but deemed very important to mr leow.

second day, e intellectual stuff started. e spirit kinda died down.. coz my group members reali dun like to cheer coz dey tink its toopid. my partner, chio wentian rubs salt into the wound by proclaiming dat he won teach it coz its damn toopid. wah lao... so i cant do anything but to leave it to e later part of e camp, to see if dey're more receptive. had our telematch after dat and it was damn fun, even though we had no water bombs, sap, flour and whatnot from orientation. e special programmes ppl did their job wonderfully to instill e spirit in e participants and i muz reali thank em for dat. nightly debrief was betta this time around... bedtime delayed till around 2am and had to wake up at bout 5am e next day for another 20 hours of action. it was draining to everyone but we kept at it nonetheless, keeping our smiles on our faces and pushing ourselves to e limit of tolerance. by den, i realised dat chio wentian has "mood swings". wen he's high, he goes crazy to e extent of doing toopid things and making everyone roll on e ground with laughter. but wen he's not dat (which is most of e time), he juz sits around and refuses to lead any cheers or songs tho we hafta teach em in preparation for Seminar Night. he won lead anything on his own, which is often required bcoz i was e group slo i/c and i had to run around for instructions to be given and i couldnt be with my group all e while. hanh had special duties so whenever he's alone, he'll juz let em mix around themselves and he'll wander off by himself and tok to other ppl.

third day was a heavy day of boring talks, presentations and small group discussions. tension between me and wentian worsened wen he apparently din like me always having to remind him bout e admin instructions and all to facilitate e movement of 600+ ppl. but i had to take it wif a smile and juz try to cooperate and compromise if i can lor. e group had their kite-making session which was quite interactive and engaging. bedtime was like 2.30am coz i stayed up to do e cards for my group as a gift after e seminar has wrapped up. had to put up wif his waning patience with regard to me but i told myself i could do it. and i did.

fourth day was fun fun fun fun fun! firstly, we went to Thow Kwang for pottery appreciation and we got to know how to shape clay and all into all those ceramic pots. at frst it was quite dreary and everyone were complaining bout it, so i had to psycho em into getting it over n done with. e hands-on was cool tho... we got to paint our own pottery and bring it home. after lunch, had kite-flying at Innova JC and it was superb! e field was soooooo vast and e picture of almost a few hundred kites taking off in e sky was absolutely beautiful. weather was hot but windy, perfect for kite-flying and e group members were juz having fun on their own. me and hanh had an exasperating time flying our kite coz we were positively screaming all e way while trying to keep our kite in e air and not crash into another 600 plus kites. i figured i had a super cardio-workout, judging by e duration of which we juz went crazy and hyped up, which is a good 30 mins or so. released my pent-up emotions and unhappiness by screaming my lungs out and running around in e boundless field... once again, chio wentian had no regard for their attendence and watsoeva... juz cared bout having fun and all.. so it was onli me and hanh doing e job of organising our uncooperative group members. wentian started to get snappy tho he din do it explicitly.. so i juz swallowed it down as well as i could and try to comply lor. next up was seminar night and it was SO HIGH!!!! damn enthu la... e participants enjoyed themselves greatly with e songs, cheers and dance. den e emotions started to flow wif mr leow's address and all. e SLOs cried and e participants started to follow suit. sang all those teary songs together and had a reali touching moment in e Multi-Purpose Hall of NIE@NTU with my group members at last. cried till e cows came home and had our e-web, where dey finally opened up to apologise for their lack of enthusiasm after realising our hard work in making it possible. received alot of hugs and words of thanx from em... made my day fulfilling despite e breakdown wif wentian. finally dey became much more enthusiastic and even proposed an overnight party on this last night. slept at around 3am coz me and hanh were writing e cards for em in my room. as for wentian, he said he was too tired and promised to work on it e next day. before dat, a few of us including wentian were like going crazy playing "ji niu nai" and getting super hyped up bout it. but once we went back to our group and i wanted to teach em how to play this, he became a wet blanket and din wanna do it together wif me and hanh. anyway, it was his birthday la so i juz went along wif it lor without saying a word. din manage to do e compulsory reflections and debrief for em coz of dat.

last day of e seminar. i was technically dead and exhausted oredi from e lack of sleep, plus e fact dat im losing my voice from all dat screaming e previous night. was feeling demoralised over e situation so i juz decided to let wentian handle everything coz i tot, since he wans it dat way, den i shall let him taste how its like to neglect all e important protocol. was almost fainting wen dey had e tea session with Minister Tharman... dats how tired i was. but i kept e smile on nevertheless; it nv wavered although it got less wide and cheery by e minute. my group members took lotsa photos and autographs.. so glad dat dey had a good time. had to abandon my plan coz wentian simply did do wat was necessary and ppl were going missing everywhere, making me and hanh search for em while he was der having fun and chatting away wif em. i got so bitter that i tot dat it din reali matter even if dey're gone after today coz i couldnt feel e bond at all, unlike orientation. broke down wen i was waiting at e transport point coz i could no longer stomach e breakdown between me and wentian, in addition to my state of physical well-being which is almost at zero already. thankfully gwen was der to help me regain my composure.... finally got back to e halls and helped em check out. sent em up e bus and dats wen i felt a tug at my heart at e tot of not seeing em again. after all, i was with em for a whole of e 5 day 4 night camp.. how not to feel attached to em, especially after e emotional outcry e previous night before?

so basically dats how it went la. gained alot of things from this pre-u seminar and im so glad dat i went. i cant help but admt dat im actuali proud of myself as well as e other SLOs for accomplishing this task beautifully, being part of this huge committee to make sure dat everything runs smoothly. for dat, we were rewarded wif affection from our participants and praise from varous schs. and through this, i oso became stronger in e sense dat i have stretched my endurance level to such an extent. and i oso got to experience different sch cultures.. sad to say, i reali despise those top schs. dey may be smart, but they are so condescending towards others who are seen as inferior to em. dat sux totally... not dat i have something personal against em, but i juz cant stand e way dey're so stuck up la.. i din show it tho.. juz had this very strong feeling in my heart as i observed em everyday. but in other ways, dey can be quite nice too so i guess its a love-hate relationship. and now i reali reali reali dislike Anglo-Chinese ppl.. be it ACS or ACJC. dey are juz soooooooo unsupportive and all...(tsk tsk). to tin dey'll become Singapore's leaders in time to come. pui ah... ooops, sorry i cant help it. i also learnt how to deal wif difficult ppl and get along wif em for e sake of professionalism, like with wentian most of all, it was e friendship between e SLOs themselves dat i reali reali cherish. this is what i treasure most bout e seminar.. juz wanna say my biggest thank you to Hanh for being such a great SLO. she's always der with me, to stick it out thru e tough times and oso to enjoy e fun moments. LOVE YA HANH! so ya, dats how my week went.

AND TIME TO START ON PREPARATION FOR MID-YEAR! -_-"

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2005-05-30T14:46:00.000+08:00

E COMP HAS BEEN REFORMATTED AND EVERYTHING IS GONE!!! INCLUDING MY PICTURES!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but thankfully, i got some of em backed up in Shutterfly and mypicgallery.com. so my loss aint dat great la. but those pics i took of myself all gone.. hahaa. im so devastated lor!

and tml's Pre-U Seminar! i cant wait! gonna be away for hostel life for 5 days n 4 nights. pray dat it'll be a great success alright?

im so excited dat i cant think coherently now. which explains im typing in short spurts instead of chunky paragraphs.

oh ya, i lost elaine's lit script along wif my foolscap. it was for a test in which she done very well for, and thanx to me, she cant get it anymore. boo hoo.. i was so pissed wif myself. even tho she said she's alright wif it, i still very guilty leh. sigh, how careless of me. i can onli hope dat i lost it in sch and some kind soul would return it to me lor.

and we scrapped e CAEZURA outing on saturday coz half of em cant make it at e last min. so sad... actuali i had alot of dates de. mich asked me out for overnight movie marathon and warren had a bbq at east coast, but i kept my slot free for e outing at kbox. in e end, i couldnt go for all coz e outing was cancelled at onli 6 plus, one hr b4 meeting time... so couldnt change plans in time. wanted to go out n thank auntie justine for her help during talentime de... but nvm la, hope we'll get to go out another time ba.

i wanna watch MADAGASCAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! booked it wif eve and fidz last wed, but it wasn't out! thanx to fidz' 'cock-eye' syndrome.. she mistaken e opening date. but we got to spend time wif each other for a while la... hahaa.

mid-year exams in 3 weeks time. gotta do my best for it! im slowly improving le.. got praised by Mrs Razal for my Lit test too! 31/50... my highest so far! gotta maintain it and keep it on track... after Pre-U Seminar muz pia very hard liao... whoooooooooo! i feel e adrenaline coming hehe! i guess its good, coz usually, i'll be like damn sian de. hahaha... yay! im on a high baby!

cya after Pre-U Seminar den!!!! gotta have an early night........ sweet dreamz

last one standing

2005-05-21T23:39:00.000+08:00

yay, im back from SLO camp oredi. super tiring, but i still dun feel sleepy leh hahaha. probably due to e fact dat its onli 2 day 1 night. but still not as 'high' as orientation camp la, coz we keep doing dry runs and memorising admin stuff and instructions. kinda mundane, but dats onli for e planning part. for e real thing, im sure its gonna be real great and im reali looking forward to it!!!! 5 days away, tucked away at a cosy corner of NTU hostels, away from home and immersed in e spirit of studying and knowledge. whoooo~ but b4 dat, we still have another dry run next fri and possibly saturday if we cant perfect it on friday. =S anyway, juz a comment on e camp... fostered lotsa acquaintances wif e grp members. can mingle quite well wif em, esp. wif my partner Chio Wentian and Hanh. most of em are j1s anyway, but it doesnt hinder me from getting along wif em. got lotsa things to improve tho... juz wanna thank e excos for their hard work behind e scenes and all e stress from being kena-ed by mr leow publicly.

hahaha. i went to camp wif flu and a horribly phelgm-plugged throat, somehow managed to dispel some of it by way of shouting/screaming and numerous water parades, but toopidly made it come back again by pigging out on Vochelle's White Chocolate. haha.. my fav choc after Tofifee liao. dun care liao la.. camp is over anyway, dun hafta put my health in 1st priority as yet. oh ya, did i mention i acquired e husky and sexy voice again? whoa~ haha. got one week to recover till Pre-U Seminar starts... so i muz start downing fruits n vitamins liao. surprisingly, Hanh and a few other family mates were bugged by e flu as well so we were quite a pathetic sight coughing away and sneezing while cheering n dancing. speaking of which, i had yihao as my dance partner for e first segment of mass dance. haha. a lil awkward coz i dun wan Nana to whack me, keke.

MIRACLE! ziheng din msg me for 2 days straight! haha. after a sidetrack from e usual routine of 3 msgs per day, on Thursday, he smsed me to ask how was my day blah blah and carried on for bout 4 msgs before he stopped replying again, asking bout e opening of Star Wars and dat he was bored and lonely these days. e next morning, i happen to walk past him and as usual, i couldnt face him so after seeing a brief glimpse of him, i turned my sight elsewhere and i was positive dat he let out an audible cluck of disapproval, u noe dat kinda sound teachers like to make wen say, someone is not following their orders n such. dat "tchi" sound. mebbe coz he saw e look on my face. dunno whether it was directed at me or wat la... but i figured more or less la coz he din bother to greet me good morning haha. heck ah! ~>_<~

long weekend here i come!

good news~! chaoshun and elaine made it up liao.. no more underlying tension anymore. yay yay! won venture into e details... wat matters is dat all's fine ^.^ im so glad. hadnt been feeling at ease bout it ever since it started escalating. but oh well, its over! hopefully dey will keep to their words and be reali honest wif each other, as well as to change themselves to become a betta fren to each other. WHOO~

ok, im feeling e effects of exhaustion now. no prizes for guessing wer im going.

don't phunk with my heart

2005-05-17T21:33:00.000+08:00

im feeling flu-ey again and its not a good thing. and its worse dat i keep piling on e chocs n biscuits in sch. dunno why but i feel e need to binge tho im consciously cutting down on my carbo intake by eating less rice and more veggie/meat. haben been out for a jog for about one week... kinda lazy and unmotivated la haha. anyway, i got an excuse since im feeling sick. but being one who would feel guilty for not keeping to e routine, i did some abdominal exercises in e hope of getting rid of my tummy. argh, it's taking so long to zap those cellulite off my tummy area. im looking for kakis to go to e gym wif me, any takers???

and i stil haben found e luxury of time to figure out how to decorate a blog. all e HTML i've learnt in e past have flown outta e window, i dunno when it happened tho.

i wanna go for microdermabrasion. get rid of all those acne scars. but its so damn expensive, and being old lil cynical me, i dunno wat happens at e beauty salon, whether dey'll tie me up and threaten to pump me wif e fats from their liposuction waste to make me go for other treatments. i saw one going for 68 bucks at Bioskin but as usual, "Terms and Conditions apply." dats a major turn-off for me. im tinking of e cheaper alternative, Loreal's Microdermabrasion Kit, going for onli 32 bucks. DIY though... and as e saying goes "Cheap things no good, good thing no cheap" so im still pondering over it. bah... mebbe someone can get me dat for my bdae or xmas *winks*

ziheng decide to up his msg output to me from 2 msgs a day to 4 today. it used to be "hey, good morning" and "have a good night". today it was "hey, good morning" then "sorry. forgive me" and now "hey, how's ur day". i presume der's another gd night msg later. and i have no idea y he said sorry... i dun dare to decide whether its good or bad. everything is still pretty much grey and murky. and i dunno y i juz cant look him straight in e eye in sch and mebbe smile for a greeting. today, our eyes met briefly for bout 2 times in all, and both instances, i looked away first. cant rmb how my facial expression was, but i tink i looked pissed. i dun feel pissed, but its juz a natural reaction leh... very hard to explain. i rmb seeing him, closing my eyes for 2 seconds and turning away... u noe? dat kinda "heck care, rolls eyes" look? juz dat i closed my eyes instead of rolling my eyes... one day, i'll master all my guts and smile back at him. show him dat im getting over it. yea, dats wat im gonna do.

surprise surprise. shishi actuali came to me for advice on firdaus. apparently, he's still e stubborn old cow. haha. den i juz related my experiences to her lor... haha. nv tot it'll become this way. and im quite fine wif it actuali. dey invited me for their bbq this friday but i got SLO camp, so too bad lor haha.

been slacking for 2 nights coz i din have homework. by right i shld be studying for my mid-year oredi.. its during e 3rd week of june hols and i probably won have time to study in e 1st 2 weeks due to Pre-U Seminar and remedials. but by left... haha. dunno. have i told u how i always give in to temptation??!!

signing off wif a kiss.

behind these hazel eyes

2005-05-16T22:10:00.000+08:00

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

yea, i downloaded e songs i wanted oredi! very nice ^.^ thankfully iMesh is working.. my Ares is hopeless la haha. this one is by Kelly Clarkson... ooh, i juz love this girl. e original American Idol... i tink she's e onli one who can go on for a long time to come. e others all lost their flavour or disappeared altogether haha.

juz a brief recount of e weekend. saturday, we had our first encounter wif e participants from e other JCs. all e SLOs were decked out in their smartest; court shoes, white long sleeve shirts, blazers and all, all ready to receive them. it was a rainy morning but it did nutting to dampen our spirits. we had to usher them to the various lecture theatres. no major screw-ups... i tot it went quite smoothly la. received some compliments from teachers from other schs for our warm hospitality. after dat, it was reception and i was assigned e food in-charge and i paired up wif Serena and Yijun. quite alright la... except dat e food ran out pretty fast and der was onli beehoon left for e SLos. so jialat... luckily Mr Leow bought chicken ric for all of us at NTU. we had a dry run after e participants finished their briefing in sch... so tiring. and we had to RUN away lor... coz dey wanted to finish it on time. in e end, Mr Leow got quite fed up... raised his voice lotsa times.

after dat, went to watch Kingdom of Heaven wif jinyi. in return for his treat, i treated him to dinner at Yoshinoya den we watched e 730pm show. anyway, e rates r going up liao... so exorbitant! next time i dun wan watch movie during weekend liao, unless someone treat haha. its quite a nice movie la... except for some gory parts, got lotsa blood. but e scenery was wonderful and e plot was very nice. nice filming i muz say... movie ended at around 10 den we went home after dat.

sunday, went out wif elaine, andrew, ying peng as a celebration for andrew's bdae. it was on friday de la supposedly so he treated us to dinner at The Cafe Cartel. went to town again, walked around while waiting for Deniece to come. we met her at PS and took neoprints! yay... very nice.. and we took it twice summo. den headed for dinner but Deniece had to go soon so she din eat much. whoa.. e food portion was soooo big. e total bill amounted to bout 90 bucks for 4 ppl. so me, elaine, ying peng and deniece chipped in to treat andrew to ice cream. we ordered e Viking and The Rock and its like freaking big. it was meant for 4 ppl la... and der were close to 10 scoops of ice cream topped wif cookies and waffles. damn nice.. but we couldnt finish it coz we were oredi bloated wif our main course oredi. and e food is very nice! a thousand thanx to andrew for e treat! den we walked around to digest e food.. walked all e way to The Heeren and browsed around HMV before heading home. great day out ^.^

and we got back our Econs common test, the case study component and i got a cool 20/30 for it! it was a tough piece and i was actuali prepared to fail it... Mr Tan said e highest among e 4 classes he taught was 22, so i guess im among e top ranks. weeee, so happy! gotta keep this up and shine for a A levels! now gotta wait for my essays to come back so dat i'll noe my overall mark. anyway, Elaine and Carmen were both sitting on my two sides wen we got back e papers and well, dey were supposedly e aces for Econs but this time round, i managed to outshine em. instead of feeling proud, i kinda felt a lil guilty wen i saw their expressions. hahaa, dunno y... coz i noe i deserved my mark and der's nutting to be ashamed of excelling in something. den it was quite awkward for a while and it got alright after dat.

im starting to miss ziheng less and less. i guess dats a good thing. i suppose im getting used to e fact dat he's not here anymore tho he smses me very occasionally, like wat mich said. anyway, get well soon michelle. betta take care of urself ya? won wanna see u in e hospital again...

aint no hollerback girl

2005-05-13T22:10:00.000+08:00

i'll spread my wings and i'll learn how to fly
i'll do what it takes till i touch e sky
make a wish, take a chance, make a change
and breakaway...
outta e darkness and into the sun
tho its not easy to tell u goodbye
take a risk, take a chance, make a change
and breakaway...

dats wat i tell myself to do bout ziheng. today he din come to sch, and i wanted to msg him in case he's fallen sick or something, but i stopped myself. i guess dats e good thing...

i hate it! ARES is not working.. i cant download any songs! i wanna download so many songs... Gwen Stefani's "Aint no hollerback girl", Black Eyed Peas' "Don't funk with my heart", Coco Lee's "No Doubt", Kelly Clarkson's "Behind Hazel Eyes"... wahhhhhhhhhh, why muz it stop working wen der's so many nice songs at e moment?

P.S. ziheng juz replied my msg (i told him to return me my penknife coz he "confiscated" it sometime ago...). and my heart juz jumped a beat.

something bout my class: bascially, dey're a bunch of nice ppl, unique in their own ways. its been a lil over a yr dat we've first met; lotsa things have happened, class politics and all. me, being welfare officer of e class, observed certain stuffs here and der and since i have e time, i shall give my lil spill on them.

Carmen: class chairman. every bit the responsible and giving leader. easily tickled by her frenz. very gentle character yet exudes strong qualities. one of e smarter ones in class. hardworking. very obedient, onli occasionally giving in to temptations of slacking. has e same weakness as me: a poor appetite for horror and gore i.e. i saw her cringing at e video clip of Battle Royale during Project Work Oral Presentation even though it was onli of a girl stabbing a guy's crotch. (ewks)
Conclusion: everybody loves carmen!

Deniece: fellow welfare officer. one of e louder ppl in e class, known for her enthusiasm in sch-oriented events and famous for cheering. prime choice for teachers to take on leadership roles. devout Christian. has a loving boyfren, Ben! and most imptly, my best pal in e whole school. listens wif no complaints, offers wise advice and a shoulder to lean on at all times. my confidantee! hehe. superb singer-cum-dancer-cum-emcee. has her share of low moments though, resulting from low self-esteem and failure to reach others' expectations. quite emotional and succumbs to pressure at times, but still displays a strong character nonethless. been thru thick and thin with her, laughter and tears. and i love this girl to bits! ^.^

Hafizah: one of e more amusing ppl in e class. a sharp sense of wit and humour; nv fails to crack up her pals. advocate of motivation and leadership. has a high level of confidence in herself and takes pride in her work. fun-loving and playful in nature. has low tolerance for ppl who pisses her off. had some falloutswif ppl in e class b4 but managed to patch it up. e cutest thing i find bout her: her Malay accent and e sound of her laughter!

Elaine Jean: most aggressive and assertive member of e class. highly philosophical and well-versed in e arts. appointed leader of my PW group; assumes her responsibility well and handles pressure well. though she looks unapproachable, she is in fact very easily amused. however, just as easily pissed off. very sticky bout Mr Koh's command of English haha. e onli person in e class who dares to lash out at Alvin. fantastic British accent. but behind dat aggression, lies a fragile personality that uses e former as a facade for e latter. u just need time to get along wif her and she'll be a great person to hang out wif.

Gwen: ECONS REP! e onli person who takes e same subject combi as me in e class. very nice, sweet and caring. always there to cheer u up and nv fails to let u noe dat ur appreciated. regards her duties seriously. loyalty is her strongest trait. admirable capacity of tolerance but once u get past e boundary, she nv hesitates to snap at u. my fav. gossipmonger during Chinese A class ^.^ another one of my confidantee as well! one of e few ppl who makes strangers feel at ease wif her with her cheeky grin that makes her eyes disappear and her teeth bared as well as her amiable warmth. e "old woman" of 04A5; supplement dat wif her frequent whines of backaches keke.

wah... its oredi 11.12pm. i still have 4/5 of e class to go and i got SLO at 7am in e morning. im sorry guys, but i regret telling u dat i gotta leave this till tml. haha, keep u in suspense. yes chaoshun, i noe ur waiting in anticipation for ur name to appear haha! nightiez~

terrible thursday

2005-05-12T23:23:00.000+08:00

things have finally come to a standstill. we agreed to be juz frenz for now, but i tink i noe too well that "for now" will become "now and forever". yesterday i felt so ill at ease wif e situation (him being distant and all) that i msged him to clarify things. as usual, he din reali make it clear la... he probably had stuff dat he din wan me to noe. den i kinda got agitated and pessimistic... kept asking telling me dat i shld get out of his life lalalala. so melodramatic haha. anyway, ya... we agreed to keep it neutral lor. but in any case, if he's willing to comply, it juz means dat his feelings has cooled off. might as well la.. dun hafta put up wif this bewilderment anymore. sigh. but no matter i try, i'll always be looking out for him in sch but turning my head instantly wen our glances meet, or constantly checking my hp to see if he replied or not. bah... shee-it happens.

anyway, JJC or rather, all e J1s, OGLs and SLOs went down to Toa Payoh Sports Hall to root for e volleyball girls. dey got into e finals and dey won NYJC, who was reigning champion for dunno how many yrs. well done man.. haha, i was suaning evelyn for dat. juz wanted to say dat our cheering was reali commendable. i wasn't able to soak in this atmosphere b4 coz all e schs i've been nv had e chance to bring e whole sch down to support a single event and i muz say e feeling was juz great. e sense of pride, on seeing the whole sch cheer in unison and getting all hyped up over every point dey scored. i tink i positively went crazy as i cheered... i juz screamed my heart out. partly coz of e heartache i was feeling over e issue wif ziheng, so i juz took it all out on e screams and all. had so much fun... JJC rox! whoohooo~

cant wait for e weekend to come. gonna meet up wif e Pre-U Seminar participants this saturday and den we're going down to ntu again. after dat going for movie wif jinyi coz he owed me this treat (he said he won win CAEZURA but dey did, so i made him blanjah me) den sunday going to celebrate andrew's bdae! haha... i feel so liberated now dat all e small tests are over. had my TCA 5 today and my mo xie. i guess i din fare too bad for both la, hopefully.

tml is carmen and andrew's bdae! happy 18th, peeps!

i dunno y but i keep recollecting e times we went out, e times we spent together. but nonetheless, im convinced dat its a mistake and i'll get over this mistake in time to come, no matter wat... dats a promise to myself.

some tension going on between my classmates. hope everything will smooth out asap... but i love u guys all e same. ~muah~

torn apart

2005-05-07T17:40:00.000+08:00

im alternating between feelings of like and dislike for ziheng. i dunno why and i dunno what to do about it. sometimes, i juz miss him but at other times, i get reminded bout his various flaws and i get reali turned off. alot of times, i'll tink of just ending this whole thing and just keep it as the level of normal friends, but after a while, i'll start to reconsider again.

but frankly speaking, i muz say that he's not reali e ideal guy for me. der's too many things that i don't agree with him. it's kinda like a personality clash of sorts. e way he handles things is just not mature enuff, i feel. but i aint gonna impose my opinions on him... i mean, some other girl might bear it but as far as i know, if we gonna get together, we'll have alot of conflicts la. e level of incompatibility is too high. still, i can't stop myself from liking him.

i feel bad for blowing him hot and cold. many times, i told him to juz give up or that i wanna end it off, but he gets reali reali upset bout it and i cant reinforce my intention anymore. i end up agreeing not to bring up the issue of "separation" but i noe, somehow it'll surface again bcoz it concerns my future and happiness. i know too well that we won't get along well for long. i dont wanna be giving in all e time, like that week when we almost officiated our relationship. and when i contradict his viewpoint, he's not strong enuff to take it. i don't wan a man liddat coz in terms of relationships and feelings, i noe myself too well to trust myself in the hands of someone liddat. i myself am too weak and prone to breakdowns.. i'll neeed someone way stronger than that.

speaking of which, i sense that he's distancing himself as well. he's not contacting me as much as he used to. it may be a good thing, now that he's backing out on his accord... but it makes me think again bout his words of promise; that he'll gladly wait for me till e A levels, that I am very important to him blah blah blah. men and their promises.

brace urselves

2005-05-07T17:27:00.000+08:00

ah, since xiaowen wans to noe bout e date.. i shall start off on that note. it din turn out well la.. coz he had to go for lunch wif his family and we onli managed to meet up at 5 liddat. i was quite piss-ified oredi coz he always keeps me waiting, but since its his bdae, i shall juz keep quiet. thankfully i had foresight and brought my econs along to study... ended up at Mos Burger for close to two hours and i was complaining to mich bout it haha. it was quite hostile wen we met up coz i kinda "told him off" via sms for doing dat, coz its not e first time dat i've been waiting for hours and it doesnt make it excusable that its his bdae. e fact dat he din even bother to reply my sms or pick up my call showed alot as well.. so we juz walked down to Pastamania and watched him eat dinner coz i was oredi full of Mos Burger's strawberry milkshake and fries. after dat, i softened abit coz he seemed quite upset bout it and besides, he's been having diarrhoea for e whole of e previous day, so i initiated to tok to him more lor. got okay after a while.. actuali i told him dat i had to go off strictly at 745pm, but ah... i delayed it till 9 something instead. took 174 back... he couldnt send me home coz he claimed his mum would nag as der was sch e next day. oh well. boring day... and haha, he hugged me after i passed him his present but i was quite stoic bout it la. haha.. din allow him to touch me after dat. who ask him to make me wait.. hurmph.

and he has e cheek to ask me to celebrate it wif him another day. so i gleefully asked him out for a movie today... called him after Talentime coz i was quite happy and wanted to share e joy wif him. but i spent today sleeping in e afternoon and lazing around at home instead. he nv seem to be able to make any concrete plans for any of our "dates"... its always, "call me wen u reach home, we'll see how" dat kinda thing. and wen i do, he din pick up. actuali he was taking a nap... that, i din blame him coz i oso slept, planning to wake up onli wen he called me back. e thing was, i called him after i woke up at around 7 and he actuali went out wif his frenz. !@#$% and he din even account to me dat he was going out... shldnt have asked him out in e 1st place. argh.. i oredi feel some of my feelings fading away. in fact, it's gradually waning off ever since i distanced myself from him... plus e fact dat i dun agree wif his tone and attitude towards some issues at times. he can be quite condescending but he probably din mean it in a serious way... still, for me, i like ppl to be good-mannered bout stuff lor. anyway, e interesting thing is, i actuali had a nightmare bout him. we met on a cruise together la and arranged to visit some places together, but like in reality, he din concretise any plans and made me wait in vain. so i juz walked away from him. at first, he was quite helpless and onli wen i started to climb a flight of stairs, he started to shout "applie!" and chased after me. den i panicked and fled from him asap... went into this complex and hid in a accessory shop to avoid being seen. i can actuali feel my heart thumping outside e context of my dream.. so scary... i was reali reali afraid of him at dat time, i dunno y. den i came out from e shop and he was gone... probably gone back to his room to rest, i tot. and guess what! i met evelyn, jinyi, starion and a few other faces whom i cant rmb now! hahaa... dats funny.. it was then when i received a call and i feared that it was from ziheng.. then i juz woke up suddenly and found out dat my phone was ringing (e call was frm nadzerah). wah.. got a very ominous feeling after dat nightmare...

it's 2.03am and he hasn't called/smsed me till now when he actuali said "get back to you later" at 7pm. now you see why i haben warmed up to him or accepted him yet?

enuff of him. !@#$% ah, Talentime is over.. CAEZURA got third. quite a disappointment coz we actuali expected first. not dat im being a sore loser or what, but i reali felt that our dance encompasses much mors substance than e other groups. we look good, we had a moves n choreography and we had e coordination that other groups were lacking. i guess e judging juz wasn't professional enuff... alot of ppl agreed as well. even if it weren't true for the Dance category, it was the case for e singing category as well. i cant believe Deniece got third... she at least deserved a second lor. she was so disappointed that she cried. Ying Peng got third.. but that's not e worst. Han Ning actuali lost to Minnie! she got fourth while e latter got second.. so atrocious! Han Ning is obviously the one who sang it betta.. it's onli that Minnie had a bigger voice but that doesnt mean that she can pull it off wif e song she picked. ther was so much controversy... i wonder if der was actuali manipulation involved, coz e results were sooooo screwed up. even for e group category, i personally felt PAL shouldnt deserve it coz pierce sang off-tune so many times while others had it betta. mebbe 2nd la.. and DREAMERZ shldnt be last as well. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. i kinda expected us to get third after hearing e results for e singing category, so it came as no surprise to me when dey announced us 2nd runner-up. still, it was quite a big disappointment. but im glad that alot of our frenz, classmates esp. Chaoshun, Rachel, Azrul, Mrs Razal, Gwen, Afiah, Carmen, GenX, Andrew, Han Wei, Chun Feng and all e others who were there to support us in one way of another. thanx for e rose, chaoshun!!! its so sweet... and these ppl helped us get over e disappointment and e huge group of us trudged down to McDonald's to have a feast. gonna thank Auntie Justine big time for her help during this time.. and we're organising a treat for her sometime next week. yay!!! cheers to CAEZURA! its been such a pleasure working wif u guys.. im sure this is not e end of our time. special thanks to Kai Eng and Taiyi... onli got to know u guys thru this event and im glad to say that i've nv regretted meeting both of u. u guys were great.. love ya!!

after all dat excitement, i had SLO briefing this morning. yep, one event after another. im such a busy girl haha. reported to sch.. had some icebreakers with the family members.. went down to NTU to familarise with the routes and all. overall, had quite abit of fun la.. hope that it'll turn out to be a great success and experience. ^.^

xiaowen, you free on any sundays?

full swing

2005-05-01T16:40:00.000+08:00

CAEZURA's gonna stomp e house next friday! yep, juz one more week to go and we're juz rearing to go man! whoohoo..

one taxing week has passed, and one more to go before we party!!! got toopid econs term test on tues... grrrr.

friday went out wif fidz n eve for dinner at westmall. had mos burger.. den walked around, ate ice cream at mac, chilled and juz took lotsa photos haha. had a great time wif em... den yesterday had a fabulous tanning session wif evelyn at her club. whoa, my tan is damn nice now.. spent like juz 3 hrs lying by e poolside and e sun juz did his job. yay, can show off during talentime.. i wearing a backless halter top anyway. wahahaha... we were positively gushing bout our newly-acquired tan. went to suntec after dat to get bdae presents for a couple of ppl.. bought 2 boxes of liquor chocs intended for xiaojun n ziheng, but after i tasted it, i decided against giving it to ziheng. ended up buying almond roca at Liberty Supermarket... had i known, i wouldnt have gone all e way to suntec. -_-" den made a personalised keychain for him as well. had a blue penguin at e end of it... hahaa, very significant to him de.

going out wif zh tml to celebrate his bdae... hopefully no jj ppl see us... if not, i'll have helluva time trying to explain myself. tink he wans to watch house of wax, but i scared!!!!!! at most go n hug him lor... but i'll make sure its strictly for his bdae onli. ^.^ hopefully it'll turn out well la.... anyway, i confessed to him bout 4 days ago dat i lied wen i said i didnt like him anymore. so things r slowly returning to e days b4 e fateful Monday wen i distanced myself from him... but i'll still keep myself drawn back till he reali reali can convince me. anyway, der won be anything official until at least e A levels... we'll see how la...

gonna go jogging again at 6 later. and yay, im gaining my shape back again! wahoo! eve said i looked damn skinny wen i was trying out a bikini at westmall on fri. hahaa... oh did i mention dat i saw lotsa nice bikinis at sportslink???? but dey're all going for above 40 bucks... one day shall go bikini shopping at far east and hopefully get a cheap n pretty one. and xiaowen still owes me one for my bdae =X

all e shit dats happening

2005-04-24T00:36:00.000+08:00

i realised im not updating periodically here so dats y u guys probably dun get e full story of me and ziheng. but anyway, it doesnt matter. e latest update would be dat im still keeping my distance amidst all e confusion n potential lies. but at e same time, i juz feel like ignoring everything altogether and just planting myself in his embrace and not care bout wat may happen after dat. thankfully, im wise enuff to noe e backlashes this might generate so im doing wateva i can to discourage him. he's trying his bestest to move me, but i guess he's not up to it yet... mebbe coz i've got reali high expectations. im still waiting for him to prove his words and till den, i'll juz wait n do nutting hahaa. anyway, he bought me california strawberries on thurs coz he noes i haf dance practice till reali late and dat i love strawberries. so sweet... but e poor boy din noe dat dey hafta kept fresh at all times. he bought em on sunday and onli passed it to me on thurs... so like half of it has oredi rotted. haha... i froze e remaining ones and ate em wif condensed milk.. yum yum, but it still din taste half as nice as Ichigo Bliss.

seriously speaking, i dunno wat came over me and made me fall for him. i mean, he's not even e typical guy i would fall for and i told him dat. he's from ACS, egoistic, sweet-talker, high-end dirt-rich child...but oh well, sometimes he can be quite endearing. i reali dunno wat to do wif my feelings.. i wish i can juz walk away from him. he claims he loves me and dat im e one for him, but mich told me he cant love unconditionally. so dats a boo-boo. mebbe its impossible to request dat from every guy, but ah, i have my own expectations. he noes how to make me waver wif all his words.. but den again, its all juz words. i'll juz hafta see if he puts em into action or not.

checked out grace's friendster juz now. btw, she's ziheng's ex. ya.. well, she sounded melancholy bout their breakup. and her primary pic was of a bracelet or necklace of sorts which had hearts on it.. and she captioned it "...past". and did i mention she's giving me e stares in sch? and gwen told me dat her gang of frenz din have a gd impression of me coz i was being too close to ziheng.. aiya, wateva la. she may do all sorts of things to me, but i'll juz smile at her. dats wat elaine, firdaus and mich all tell mi to do... so i shall do juz dat.

been piling on e pounds recently but have been shedding them on just as quickly. felt myself growing a lil too much so i went for runs, exercises and OSIM body-shaping to tone down my body. and im so glad dat its gone... so now i hafta make sure i maintain this regular exercise routine and take care of my diet. i realised im eating too much starch and since im not having rigorous traiings anymore, dey're turning into fats from lack of utilisation. haha..

Mrs Razal commended me during civics this week, dat im a very well-balanced learner. i always seem very cheery and bubbly, always having fun yet i produce decent results, unlike elaine who stresses herself out coz she works so damn hard and ya la... she gets her results. and she told me i could improve so ya, im gonna do xtra work on top of e assignments as extra practice and hopefully it'll help me out. and besides, im a peer tutor for econs and it helps me in a way coz im forced to revise my econs notes in order to tutor my tutee, who happens to be Azrul. now, i onli gotta worry for my Chinese A coz i definitely cant make e cut for my language component. i've been failing all e mock exam papers lor... but for my literature component, i tink i can pull thru if i reali do put in effort to memorise... which is a WHOLE TRUCKLOAD of memorising. im oredi dying after studying one piece of poem and dey gonna test e whole syllabus of 5 poems, 5 proses, 8 ancient extracts, 5 dramas... yikes, how am i gonna make it????

anyway i signed up as a Student Liaison Officer for e Pre-U seminar. gonna be something like orientation except dat we'll be working wif ppl from diff schs. wish me luck.. and hope it doesnt take a toll on my studies coz my weekends for e whole of May will be taken up and e first week of my June hols will be gone too. and my Mid Year is scheduled for e 3rd week of June.. so i guess i'll hafta manage my time properly lor. im gonna be a good girl and start revision for all my subjects liao...

oh, i still dunno whether i shld get him a present for his bdae or not. im tinking of chocolates from ROYCE or SINS. we'll see la..

all set for Talentime 2005

2005-04-16T13:26:00.000+08:00

yep, CAEZURA got into the finals! yay... but kinda expected la. onli 4 grps in e semis.. den kick out one grp ma.. OCBC got out. im juz glad dat we've improved since e auditions.. got lotsa positive comments albeit a few screwups here and der. firstly, kai eng couldn come coz she was too stressed up and fell sick as a result. den deniece worried herself over dat and all on top of her other concerns.. secondly, after we finally sorted dat problem out, e AVAC crew had to screw up our dance. initially, e music started too early and we got our moves all mixed up. quickly got back on track and right after e bridge, wen we were changing into our next costume, dey stopped e music coz nobody was onstage(coz its supposed to be kai eng's solo). so we din get to finish off our dance.. sucky. and during e dance, i forgot my first chorus and banged during deniece during e freestyle. but oh well, we got in anyway and hopefully e final showdown will be a good and flawless one.

got back my progress report as well as PW results. i got Band 2! weee.. considered not bad la, but i wasn't reali concerned bout it. i nv had any extreme emotions over results, i duno y haha.. unless its like reali reali bad, den i'll juz cry my heart out. for term one, i had D for Chinese A, D for Econs and O for English Lit. well.. i missed the E mark by juz one miserable point. but my big consolation was GP.. i got a B4 wen everybody else's reflected Es and Fs. geee.. but i reali shldn be comparing results wif other ppl coz i shld fulfil my own targets instead of consoling myself coz of others' inferiority. but it aint a gd reflection of our current standard anyway.. coz alot of tests weren't taken into account. bloody hell !@#$%.

been so caught up wif dance for e past 2 weeks dat i haben been studying properly. thankfully, e finals are bout 3 weeks away tho we have rehearsals for 2 consecutive Fridays until e big day. but all we need is polishing up.. no more choreography so i guess it won be as taxing lor. muz start to get back to my work again... coz i signed up as a Student Liaison Officer for the Pre-U Seminar and i need to commit myself for the span of May and e 1st wk of my June hols. so i gotta get my studies all right n proper b4 i engage myself in other activities. and i seriously need to exercise again.. partly, to beat off e stress as well as to keep myself fit. i find myself getting fleshier by the day, so im cutting down on my intake of food and planning an exercise regime to regain my puny self. if not, i'll juz fill up all my big clothes and overgrow my small ones.. ewks.

ong ziheng ong ziheng. he pops into my head when he wasn't supposed to coz i promised myself to chuck tots of him all away. even if we were to be together, it'll hafta start anew coz all e rumours as well as his lack of action(in accordance to words of promise and watnot) is taking a huge toll on my impression of him. cant help it but i hafta subject him to my 'cold' treatment lor. till now, it seems as if he hasnt reali passed anything yet... and he definitely doesnt noe e meaning of romance. sigh... i can juz go and vomit blood toking bout. he's such a stonehead... but oh well, i guess dats wat endearing bout him. or mebbe he's juz too egoistic to show any true affection. so far, i can onli say its a disappointment la. can some prince charming juz come and sweep me off my horse and juz take me away from this dilemma? but den again, i'll probably be reluctant to go. argh.. dunno la.. e days go by agonizingly, and he's not doing anything great yet. so frustrating...

till i have betta things to write.

bleeee

2005-03-26T12:00:00.000+08:00

its been long since i last updated... 2 weeks in fact? anyway alot has happened.. i dunno wer to start recounting, or mebbe i shldnt even bother coz its long past.

and CAEZURA got into the semi-finals for Talentime!! whoohoo! and btw, dats my dance grp... but e competition wasn't reali dat tough la.. coz onli got 5 groups and 4 got into e next round. but im happy nonetheless, coz e audition din go reali well la. we onli started choreographing last week and we're doing Jumpin' Jumpin' by Destiny's Child summo.. damn fast and difficult lor. in e end we had to repeat some sequences which apparently din go down well wif e audience.. and due to lack of rehearsal time, some of us forgot our steps i.e ME! but i juz smiled it off and continued... most of e comments we got were dat it was hot albeit a lil messy here and there. we promise to go to e finals and show JJC what dance is all about man! dat is.. once we get our steps polished and our grooves right.. watch out! actuali, i seriously tink dat our group has a high chance of winning e competition coz:

1. Firstly, all of us can dance... unlike some of e other groups who got e reali good ppl to pull it off for those who cant reali dance well

2. our choreography is sophisticated and reali reali reali original ^.^ thanx to kai eng

3. we're an all girl group and we tend to coordinate betta...

4. we're e onli group doing a whole song while others are all doing remixes, so we tend to stand out

yep, we gonna put in our best for e FINAL SHOWDOWN on 6th of May so keep ur eyes peeled!

haben been sleeping well for e past few nights.. been worrying over dance, stressed over a sucky timetable and endless tests, family problems and more importantly, ziheng. till date, i have one mo xie and a yu wen exercise overdue for chinese.. sian~ dunno wat dey gonna do wif me man... im certainly not managing time properly and i reali shld sort things out by this weekend. and did i mention dat my new timetable sux? yea i did.. but i shall repeat. MY TIMETABLE SUX! on monday i onli start lessons at 130 but i hafta report to sch at 8 for assembly, or i'll be counted as absent. wed and thur are my suckiest days.. got 6 periods back to back.. and after dat, dey give us a super long break. duh.. and im always so sleepy coz ziheng calls me till reali late in e night.. like till 3am or 4am liddat, so i onli manage a few miserable hours of sleep. and he still dares to tell me dat im having a pimple outbreak... and its all his fault!

given a choice, i would turn back time and not say hi to him at queensway shopping centre

a day out

2005-03-19T22:57:00.000+08:00

its been a long day today.. cant wait to juz fall in bed and sleep.. but ah, e night is young and i still got plenty of homework to finish. haha.. serves me right for leaving everything to e last min..

got up bright and early at 6 today to meet deniece at Jurong East to have breakfast b4 going for CIP at kovan. ben came too and bought us tiong bahru buns.. thanx dude! had chwee kueh from NTUC Foodfare, which wasn't very nice but will pass for a decent meal la. took e MRT all e way to kovan.. fell asleep halfway coz i was juz too tired (hell, i slept at 3 last night..). reached der, met up wif zulia, elaine n azrul and walked 15 mins to e Singapore Triathlon Association. man.. e pools der juz look so beckoning and inviting... and have i mentioned its been damn long since i've jumped into a swimming pool... oh gosh.. anyway, settled down to work on packing e stuff for 1600 runners.. at first it was quite interesting but it got mundane after a long while coz its juz so mechanical. but thankfully e ppl were very hospitable.. even treated us to a meal from e jap kitchen. left at around 3.. took e mrt wif azrul and he got off at dhoby ghaut.

dats wen i msged ziheng.. and we arranged to meet at orchard. actuali i intended to go jurong west cut hair... but i duno wat probed me to go meet him instead. anyway, got down at outram park and travelled back to raffles place to change train to orchard. den i played a prank on ziheng.. told him i suddenly had something on at home and had to rush back wen all e while i was behind him spying on his reaction. den he was like quite disappointed... kept pleading whether i could juz stop by a min or something.. but i rejected, saying it was urgent. and wen he walked off wif a very disappointed face, i tailed him and suddenly msged him to look behind. hahaa... dat look on his face wen he turned his head around is priceless... he probably felt so cheated. haha.. im sorry man.. hehehe.. and i kept laughing away while we walked. aiyo, i was so mean.. but he looked reali funny.. anyway, we walked around town and toked bout stuff.. din noe he could be so chatty and spontaneous. so totally unlike e ziheng whom i tot him to be.. coz he's always giving this buay song face in sch.. like very act cool act dao liddat. how was i to noe dat he's juz this reali amiable guy who loves fun and is quite pure at heart actuali? ya.. it was fun hanging out wif him.. he shared lotsa stories wif me.. and i guess wateva apprehension i have juz melted away by his friendliness and warmth. i felt totally at ease wif him... more so than any guy whom i've gone out alone wif, like alex and jinyi, ever since i became single. i dunno.. i dun wanna give him false hope coz he's still attached but at e same time, i feel like getting closer to him, to knoe him betta... dunno la.. but i muz not completely let my guard down.. coz i still have yet to peel off his superficial level fully to reveal e character underneath.. we'll see la.. but one thing's for sure, im tinking of him more than i shld.. not a good thing i say...

anyway.. had a dream bout yihao yesterday. dreamt dat a grp of us went to sentosa and while e rest went home, he and i were left. he was walking in front oh me wen he suddenly turned around and asked if i wan a ride home coz his dad is fetching him. so i said ok.. but deniece suddenly appeared and told me we have a meeting later on but wen she saw yihao, she cancelled it off. haha.. ya.. so i walked together wif him.. asked him bout nana... and he said dat, after i took e initiative to noe him betta, he started to develop feelings for me. ya.. den we walked.. and saw firdaus and shishi!!! haha.. and he pretended not to see us... so i hugged yihao right in front of him. but strangely, yihao's face wasn't yihao's.. and i was even telling firdaus how much 'yihao' looked like him haha.. e rest of e story, i cant rmb anymore.. but it was a sweet dream nonetheless...

huh.. i wonder if being single does these kinda weird things to u. u get so confused by ur own feelings towards ppl... huh...

KL training trip 2005

2005-03-15T22:26:00.000+08:00

finally im back after a 4-day hiatus. it was reali fun man... there nv goes a day without laughter n fun. reali din regret coming wif em even tho i aint in e team. yea, its been confirmed..

first day, we departed JJ at around 7am.. had a long bus ride down to Kluang for bout 3 hours to train at Chong Hwa High Sch. e soccer boys had their match at e field, while volleyball girls, badminton boys and basketball boys had their games as well. after dat we headed to a Chinese restuarant for lunch.. had another super long bus ride to KL. checked in at Grand Continental and i had reena for my roommate!! weeee.. we were like positively gushing bout everything coz its e first time we are staying in a hotel away from our parents. took lotsa pics hahaa.. and we were like screaming away after seeing e bathtub... muz have alerted e room beside us too yea.. went for dinner at an indian restuarant.. and so e first day is basically gone liddat haha.
second day, woke up at bout 6.. had breakfast at e cafe downstairs and headed for our kajang high. but we were disappointed coz e district team we were supposed to play against din come and we had to pit against a beginner team instead. den e score turned out to be like 50+ to 0. haha.. wasted trip.. so we supported e soccer guys for their game but dey lost 2-1 nonetheless. it was a good fight tho... den comes e juicy part. coz e soccer boys n netball girls share e same bus and both our teams had odd numbers, i happen to be sitting alone in front while waiting for e guys to finish their debrief. den yihao, unable to find a seat, asked if he could sit beside me and i agreed. so e bus ride started.. another long long ride.. so both of us, feeling tired, fell asleep. i was sitting on his left and while i slept, i had my head tilted to e left. den coindentally, his head tilted to e right so our heads were like reali close to each other.. den e bus started to get rocky and our heads met.. haha. i swore dat i stopped breathing for a few moments.. i was like soooooo close to him. man.. juz like wat chaoshun said in sch last week.. haha, he predicted dat this would happen. and it did!!! wooooo.. but it was onli for a while la.. coz after his head hit mine, he woke up and adjusted himself to a proper position.. i woke up after a while coz i was too excited oredi.. and jingyi, who was sitting directly behind us, saw it! haha.. managed to talk wif him for a lil coz i was too shy and din dare to open my mouth too frequently since he's tired.. den got off e bus for lunch at an eatery near e hotel.. had a short rest back in e room wif reena and headed out for training at some public park which had a reali scenic view and a public netball court. but no longer than 10 mins after we took e court, it started to rain so we headed back together and had dinner at some indian restuarant again. had debrief at miss choo's room and slept..

third day woke up bright n early again... were supposed to head for kajang to play another team but e venue was changed to ampang. so we dropped e soccer boys at subang b4 heading der and boy, it was such a long ride coz e driver kept getting lost haha.. quite amusing. finally reached der and had a decent game tho we still won 50+ to bout 8 or 9.. haha, we're strong man! e malaysian girls were super frenly.. took photos wif us after e game n all.. den boarded e bus again to have lunch at some malay restuarant opened by a famous m'sia star. den went back to e hotel to rest b4 going to berjaya times square for shopping!! i bought a MOGU-alike pillow.. tho not as nice as e real thing but its betta than all those imitations nonetheless. and its soooo cheap.. 36.50 ringgit only.. and im sooo totally in love wif it. walked wif reena, cheryl and wenda.. after buying stuff, we went to e Cosmo World indoor theme park. it's e world's largest indoor theme park... super fun man! e rollercoaster is reali thrilling man.. took a few rides.. wahahahahaa... me and reena were totally crazy n hyper oredi.. damn fun lor! and i aint scared at all... aiyo, wats wrong wif me? i tink i need something more thriling... wenda vomitted after one of e rides.. too dizzy oredi.. jietong, xiaojun and xiling who was wif jielin in another grp oso vomitted after dey chiong 6 rides at one go.. haha. but me and reena were like so unaffected liddat.. too bad we couldn take photos der.. oh well.. but it was helluva experience i tell ya.. ya, den headed back to e hotel again.. had debrief and we got reali emotional coz we had to say our most sincere feelings. almost everyone cried... quite a scene la.. coz while crying, we oso cracked up alot.. very very memorable.. after dat invited lawrence n jinyi to our room to play daidee while e others partied at yuyin's room. haha.. quite fun.. got pranked by aneesha, yuyin n jietong wen dey told us miss choo wanted to see us for bringing guys into e room.. haha, i was so traumatised!!! i reali believed em man.. scared e shit outta me. after dey left at 1230 den we slept lor.. i tot we slept oredi but e others actuali slept at 4+ coz dey were still chatting ahha..

last day, we woke up at around 8.. had breakfast and den we headed to suria mall for shopping again! this time i went wif jielin and xiling.. not dat fun la.. coz not alot of things to look at. all branded stuff.. and e adidas warehouse sale wasn't reali great as well. in e end, i bought a reebok shirt for my bro, an orange-red shirt and a blue cap for myself as well as a puma bottle for evelyn. spent like 150 bucks der oredi haha.. yep, after shopping, we headed back to singapore liao.. wonderful wonderful trip i muz say.

managed to take a photo wif yihao wen we reached sch bt i look so ugly lor........ aiyo.. while he looked sooooo handsome.. saw him walking in another direction different from wer he would normally walk. he walked e route dat nana usually took after sch.. so i wondered if he was meeting her or something.. i hope not. i reali hope dey're juz frenz.. coz i sense yihao getting closer to me oredi.. keeps teasing me 'applie, y u so sad' hehee.. well, i'll juz hafta wait n see lor.. hopefully hopefully..

and while i was away at kl.. my 3rd auntie-in-law passed away.. it was onli during new yr wen we last saw him and now he's gone. to tink i was still at ampang wer he lived on sunday morning. my family went down to attend e funeral but dey couldn contact me coz i din have autoroam. so i reached home and my bro told me, i was like totally shocked... i was soooooo near yet i din get to see him one last time. he's a kind man... very very loving to his wife but now she's widowed. my mum cried wen she recounted e story and i cried wif her... for not having e fate to go to attend e funeral. sigh.. life's short.. i juz hope he'll rest in peace.. coz my bro said he looked contented in e coffin.. wish him a good life in e afterworld and we'll all miss him. sigh...

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2005-03-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

dey're not together!!!!!! wahoooooo..... dat is, unless gwen lied to me dat nana doesnt like him and dat dey aint a couple la... but well, i trust gwen ^.^ lalalallala..

and since i had a super long break from 1030 till 2.. i planted myself in one of e cubicles in e library and started studying. snored for bout an hour b4 doing my econs and studying for my chinese test. den wen i was bout to leave at 2pm for my mo xie, i stood up and a few metres in front of me, there he was studying as well.. ooooooooo... i swore dat my heart skipped a beat. geee.. pretended i din see him la... den walked out to get my mo xie done.

met ziheng at e staffroom. well.. he msged me late last night and we chatted for bout an hour.. from 12 to 1. wah.. so hiong. dunno wat motive he had for dat, but well, im on my guard coz he has a gf oredi. den he was like msging me thru e course of e day... i guess i probably spent more than 50 msgs today on him lor. dun worry.. i dun like him.. juz knowing him as a fren. din noe he was such a frenly person coz from his appearance, he always looked so dao... to tink he would smile at me b4 i went off. haha.. he was toking to ms mandy while i had my mo xie, so i happen to eavesdrop a lil haha.. pretty funny la. coz we were together in arts for bout 1 yr and onli recently did we tok to each other. and wen it did start, its on such a frequent basis. im starting to get a lil freaked man... haha. but got it cleared up juz now wen i told him bout my concerns dat his gf may misunderstand and dat we're probably getting it on too fast.

ya.. headed back to e library to study again. actuali i oredi intended to do so no matter yihao is still der or not.. but well, chaoshun msged me during my mo xie to quickly head to e library coz he's der. keke.. i was like so happy wen i saw his bag on e shelf. so i studied.. couldnt reali concentrate coz i was straining e corner of my eyes in case he walked past.. and caught him twice haha. anyway.. i was feeling a lil light-headed after e encounter wif ziheng.. dunno y. mebbe its bcoz im too shy hahahahahhhahaha.. managed to do a lil b4 heading for yoga. and wen i stood up to leave, he made a sound to catch my attention and waved bye to me. lalalallalalalala... im liek totally elated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehehee....

stayed back after yoga to do work wif elaine until 7+... din have a chance to say bye to yihao tho he was in e canteen as well coz he's too busy. but im still contented la.. esp. after knowing dat nana n him weren't an item.. means i still got chance la! hehehehe...

so many things to study for tml..... got 2 chinese tests sia... shitty shitty.ciao den~

=(

2005-03-08T21:51:00.000+08:00

yihao likes nana. and i tink nana likes him too..

today i saw em toking den gwen, afiah and carmen were teasing em. so more or less, it shld be true i guess.. hai..

i was like so stunned.. a pang of hurt juz came over my heart. i nv knew i liked yihao so much.. i mean, he's like e person who made me get over firdaus and now dat im entirely over him, this has to happen. my fantasies, dreams and everything juz got crushed.. but i forced myself to accept it all e same. nana is my fren.. i told her b4 dat if yihao were to like a fren of mine, i would wish em all e best. and if its true dat dey're oredi together, i shld juz get over him and give em my blessings.

but it cant stop e hurt in any case. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... i sank in too deep.

but oh well. today was quite a conducive day coz i did my chinese hw during e 4 hours break i got despite sleeping for one hour of it. went to e library to study so i guess without e distraction of constantly looking for yihao, i concentrated lor. shall do dat from now on and stop wasting my time on him...

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

i hate you

2005-03-05T22:18:00.000+08:00

hate FOD for not logging me in.. it seems like im e onli one who cant login. eve can... may can.. all the rest can except for me me ME! idiot. i think FOD blocked me or something la.. well i can't be bothered. i got blogspot.com.. but even then, im so pissed off because it didn't publish 4 of my entries, all of which were really eventful ones and super meaningful to me. but idiot blogspot.com decided that i spent too much time on penning the entry so it logged me out in the meantime. then when i clicked on 'publish', it required me to re-enter my password and when i got logged on again, it returned me to the main page instead of to "Entries Published". So that's why i abstained from blogging for about... one month? and i must remind myself to copy my entries before i click on 'publish' so that it won't screw it up again. grrr.. i think they all hate me. but oh well.. too bad for you that you couldn't keep up with e gossip that was supposed to be up if not for idiotic blogspot.com. anyway, i've decided to type proper english instead of shorthand because i think it looks intelligent this way. haha.

and hey, i got A2 for my chinese AO! not bad eh.. considering i didn't study very hard. hopefully next year, i can repeat this same performance for my Chinese A and my other subs as well. the J2s were watching a 'live transmission' of the release of A level results in Lt5 and i guess it's a pretty harrowing experience. can see all their 'kan cheong' faces and all.. gets me a lil nervous as well. yikes.. i wonder if i'll be broadcasted like that too.

still battling flu since thurs. i seem to have a never-ending spate of illnesses.. after appendix pain, i got gastric flu.. after gastric flu, i got gastric pains.. after gastric pains, i get flu. is it the feng shui or what? 'coz my sis is down as well.. she's got unaccounted-for tummy pains. went to the hospital and couldn't find anything wrong with her but she still gets e pain all the same. shit. i hope i don't end up like that too. i guess i'm getting better la.. 'coz i keep eating to keep myself full and the gastric won't come. and i realised i got a supersonic metabolism rate; that's why i need to keep eating and eating and eating. pray for me that i won't get fat with all that gorging.. =S

had P6 tutoring today at cps. pretty fun and engaging, though they are more playful than the P3 pupils we had last year. at first, i was quite apprehensive and reluctant to go 'coz i was so tired.. but they perked me up. hope it'll be fruitful for their PSLE at the end of the year. then went out with evelyn to queensway to get my FBT shorts. saw jun, tp and jielin.. then ziheng and his tennis buddy.. then jietong, who happens to be late again 'coz jun was supposed to meet her. met mr ler as well.. and mengqi on the bus. haha.. so many familar faces. i wonder why i never ever get to see yihao outside before. hmmm~ after that we went to JEC for lunch. had a super-duper expensive meal at pizza hut.. wasn't worth the money but we treated it as a congratulatory reward for our chinese results. eve got b4! wow, i'm happy for her! kept at it for an hour haha.. 'coz it was really alot of food and we wanted to prolong it as long as possible to make it worthwhile. walked around popular and headed home after dat. saw hup hua and eu yee at the bus stop, heh heh.

yihao likes nana. how? but i heard from jinyi that he ain't that into her anymore.. and i still catch him glancing at me. gaa.. i don't know. we're going to KL with the soccer boys (albeit with other sports as well) and i hope i can catch his attention during this period. geee.. i sound pretty scheming. and i'm so looking forward to this trip!! everyone's going.. even though not all might be playing. but it'll be a good bonding experience.. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that i'll get a place in the team despite knowing i don't stand a good chance of taking the court in the nationals. but anything beats being left out. i don't want to feel the same way as last year again. sigh~

need to finish loads of homework tomorrow. tata~