Thursday, June 16, 2005
u nv knew juz a mere knowledge of dat incident could send me back to e state of how i was 4 yrs ago.
it wasnt bout e incident. im over it. but it oredi ripped off e scab, opened up e wound and started to grope my previous injury again. and dats wat is hurting me so much.
i feel like crying at everything i see, everything i hear. i feel so impossible empty yet full of sadness and anguish. i duno how to describe it. i feel like something grabbing at my throat, u noe, dat kinda feeling wen ur about to cry. a sour feeling seeps up ur nose and ur eyes moisten. den i feel e pressure on my chest... like some invisible force pressing on it. i feel like i cant breathe and i juz wanna scream. inwardly, it feels like someone squeezing my heart tightly and it feels real terrible. it feels all so familar. all those ugly memories rushing back like a tidal wave. i tried to contain it but it couldnt. it seems as if juz a few days ago, my best friends ran away and backstabbed me. it seems as if juz a few hours ago, untrue rumours spread across e classes and i was misunderstood to e worst case possible. it seems as if juz a few minutes ago, alvin passed away. it seems as if juz a few seconds ago, firdaus left me.
so much for being Miss Nice. so much for trying to be a stronger person. so much for morphing heartaches into smiles and laughter. so much for building up my inner strength and devoting my outer energies to e ppl who matter to me. so much for trusting once more.
i feel so unnatural trying to be e usual person i am. i was consoling jinyi juz now... i felt like breaking down myself. i was asking chaoshun how he was with his fren.... i felt so tired. i was toking to firdaus bout philosophies of relationships, i felt like telling him things that i shouldnt. i feel like being e weakling i used to be last time... let everything come and crush me. i'll juz succumb to e blows till u hit me no more. it suddenly dawned on me how hard it is to be stronger, to be braver. but i have come this far.. i've overcome e odds.. i've learnt valuable experiences and lessons. im not about to let go of these things.
i love, care for and respect ppl i regard. but why don't i get e same kind of treatment as well? mebbe im not tinking hard enuff but i cant tink of someone who reali loves me now. i noe my parents and my family do, but mebbe for now, i cant feel it. and if dat is so, doesnt it mean dat it aint enuff? i juz wan someone to come n shelter me from the onslaught of these traumatising memories. i promise i won need for long... juz this while will do...
butterflies whispered at
6/16/2005 10:57:00 PM
