Monday, June 27, 2005
im so torn up inside. my heart aches so much.. =( i duno wat to do. i fear the consequences. i feel like doing something drastic to change e situation, but i know its immature and may jolly well negate it instead. i feel damn helpless... i see it yet i can do nutting. or rather, i fear that my actions may make it spiral into something tragedic... i tink of it all e time, whenever my mind is not occupied with something. im starting to feel weary and tired. i wanna break down and scream. i wanna have a good cry, a nice downpour of tears and let it all out. at night, it gets especially hard to bear because dats wen u're most susceptible to emotional outbursts. e tears juz roll silently, unreflected, cold.
but no one muz see it. no one muz know what is going on. offer me a shoulder to cry on, a tight hug... but i won need a ear coz i won tell.
i finally told someone. i told firdaus. he's e onli one who can understand now, so dun start tinking dat im having weird ideas in my head. i won stoop so low to go n break up other ppl's relationship, unlike what ppl love to say bout me. its juz dat he has gone thru e same thing, and i got someone whom i can relate to. i feel much betta. nevertheless, the heart-wrenching feeling doesnt cease...
and i have figured out that im over firdaus. its juz psychologically natural to feel something for a past flame, no matter how long ago e relationship has been ended. but i dun deny wondering if we'll get together again. after all, he's e best i've ever had. but dat i won dare to hope for. and anyway, it'll hafta start all over again. there's nutting left to continue from, to speak of. and mind u, i won do anything to try n get him back. its juz toopid. i got my life to lead as well. its juz dat if our paths crossed again, so be it. i'll leave it to e hands of Fate.
im back to sch again. haben adapted to working mode yet... im feeling lethargic and outta energy. i dun feel like doing anything, in actual fact. juz wanna sit in one corner and stone. ironically, sch work is e onli thing i have now to take my mind off undesirable thoughts. stayed back wif gwen in sch during chinese lesson to finish off our work, tho like most of e others have oredi dismissed themselves since our teachers din come. anyway, had a bad case of tummyache thru-out e whole of today. went to e loo and lao-sai for 3 times lor. den now feeling a lil painful as well. and i felt dat i was a lil less bubbly, less cheerful today. simply coz i din feel happy enuff to do it. im glad to see my frenz again la.. but my spirits juz wont lift. sorry if i ever seemed cold or unacknowledging at times.
izzit wrong to stretch oneself beyond e limit? izzit wrong to try too hard? sometimes, trying to be stronger breaks you, because you have exceeded ur capacity. instead of becoming more enduring and tolerating, you snap and the tables turn against you. u become weaker than you used to be, because now you have no resistance AT ALL. had a heart to heart talk wif my sis on saturday night till bout 4am. lotsa tears and mucus flowed but we sorted some things out. hope i've enlightened her on some stuff, and made her stop tinking so narrowly bout some issues. i got to know my own flaws as well, and i've resoluted to try and change them. shall stop hollering at my younger siblings when im annoyed, or being selfish with my property. time to be a good daughter as well as a good sister from now on. if e circumstances take a turn for e worse, at least i've fulfilled my duty and my roles. den der wont be as much room for regrets, if dat's any consolation...
hallucination is bad. it plays with your state of mind, and makes u imagine things for no apparent reason. its scary because you know that these are not happening, but its so real and tangible that ur consciousness starts to slant towards e mirages instead. i find myself searching for these "things" to check if they are reali der. its driving me to e brim of my sanity... and my food intake has been reduced drastically. i no longer find a urge to eat, to pick up e utensils and scoop up e food into my mouth, much less to chew slowly and savour it. my meals today seemed terribly bland... instead, i have e tendency to binge on snacks. i've eaten 4 packets of Mamee today, and i swallowed even e seasoning. VERY UNHEALTHY indeed... but i dun have e sensibility to regulate myself. i juz wanna let myself limp... do wateva i feel like doing and not do anything i dun feel like doing. lemme have e luxury of "relaxation" when i can... coz i won get to enjoy it as often in e future.
e temptation of the penknife is overwhelming. yet i've become fearful of e blade. i tink back of e times when i juz slashed myself repeated in a mad frenzy, and all that blood trickling out within seconds. e metallic smell of it filled my nostrils, and perversely, it seemed therapeutic at dat moment. like i've released blood tainted with anguish, angst, pain and sorrow. for e moment, i feel liberated. until i panicked when e blood couldnt be stopped... the tissue paper is soaked to the point of saturation. i even used my lips to suck e blood, and the taste of blood seeping back into my system. den i'll wash e lacerations under e tap, feeling e cold water scorching e raw flesh. den i'll don a long-sleeved shirt and carry on my activities, pretending that nutting has ever happened. but no matter what, e scars are there to remind you. most of it have healed by now, except e deeper ones. my forearm used to be a maze of criss-crossing lines, but now it has all faded back to skin colour and thus concealability, unless u take a reali close look. am i to risk those again? i hope not.
butterflies whispered at
6/27/2005 11:28:00 PM
