Thursday, June 30, 2005
im on e verge of collapse. im falling off the edge anytime.
im sori to all those who cared for me. i did what u all told me to do. i tried to fight it, i tried praying, i tried shouting. but its no use. it keeps coming.
i couldnt sleep again. i was totally overwhelmed by sorrow and anguish, and i sat up and hugged my knees to myself, letting e tears fall freely. it hurt so bad... so so bad. i dunno how long i cried but i knew dat it wasnt enuff to empty my heart of the frustration. i had to stop tho, before i let grief consume my whole core. mebbe it sensed my vulnerability and found a backdoor to attack me.
i kept telling myself im not scared of them. for a moment, i felt empowered and strong. i was brave. but onli for dat moment. because the next moment, i felt e paralysis starting. its seizing me bit by bit, i become arrested by fear again. den i'll hypnotise myself time and time again, that im not scared of it. but it sees thru my facade of bravery; it breaks thru e defence i built and crept into my heart and mind again. i even heard e female voice saying 'hello' to me. it was not spoken into my ear, but i heard it in my mind. it was juz one word, spoken neutrally wif no hint of viciousness. juz liek any other sound i would have dreamt of. but i wasn't dreaming. i was conscious. and it spoke to me. mebbe im paranoid, but e more harmless it sounds, e higher e potential to turn into something malicious. u get what im saying? its like, it'll fool me into a trap and then crush me into pieces later on.
have u ever experienced coming close to insanity? yesterday night i was brimming to e pt of going mad. i juz wanted to scream, to flail and throw things away. i needed to release everything pent up inside my heart. its so overpowering that every 10 mins or so, i feel a queer sensation in my heart. in chinese, they call it "xin han". like as if ur heart is freezed up or something. u feel odd and painful at the same time.
i feel like giving up and succumbing to wateva is repressing me. im certain its my hallucination. i feel damned weak. my head feels like its being crushed from e sides. its a constant pressure, and the entire skull feels heavy. like u're gonna fall any minute, faint and juz knock out. i couldnt take it anymore; i broke down in sch. i juz wanna cry it all out but im aware of ppl looking on. ppl getting curious. aware dat ppl are getting worried. im being tugged at both sides; on one hand i juz wanna break down and let my defences fall but on the other, im tied up by other considerations. why izzit dat things hafta work this way? why cant i juz free myself from every other thing and let loose?
mama tinks im juz crazy. she tinks its juz stress. she doesnt understand. now im afraid to ask her to help me.. it seems like der's no one else to go to for help. much as i want to, i dun wanna become a burden to anybody. i dun wanna let my problems disturb them in anyway. i gotta depend on myself... myself alone.
i have to do it... right?
butterflies whispered at
6/30/2005 10:38:00 PM
