Tuesday, June 28, 2005
its getting from bad to worse. everything dat i tried to do cant keep it at bay. its haunting me... i tink im going insane. its juz a matter of time from now.. I REALLY TRIED BUT ITS NO USE. ITS NOT LIKE I WANNA BE THIS WAY.. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME AS WELL. stop telling me dat its onli a psychological barrier that i can overcome. im certain its not; its more than dat. it's almost like a disease dats inflicting damage both physically and mentally.
they say "all good things come to an end". how come it doesnt apply to bad things as well?
last night, i gave myself a good talking to bout how to deal wif the problem, after firdaus's advice and all. i tot im becoming betta. but IT had to come. i fell asleep, but i was woken up by a force dat hit my head. almost like someone delivered a blow to my head, and even my ear felt deaf for a moment. i stayed in my sleeping position to sense for anything, not daring to open my eyes, until i broke out in cold sweat again. i heard e sound of tv in e living room, so i dashed out to tell my mama bout it. all e while, my heart thumped like mad like what previously happened. so she made me pray, and smoked me with a special incense supposed to keep e evils away. i moved from e mattress from e bed, to sleep wif my sis and bro. i couldnt sleep coz i was too sensitive to the noises out there. even e screech of e cars passing by sent chilling shivers down my spine and i would open my eyes from time to time to keep checking for anything amiss. even in e blankness of eyes shut, i seem to see e darkness dilating as i start to feel woozy and faint. its exactly what happened dat time as well... like ur energy and consciousness seeping outta ur body, like u're gonna die coz u feel ur heart being relentlessly pressed down and its beating so hard u fear that it might juz break thru e walls of ur chest.
then my sis spoke up and told me that e bed seemed to be quaking. den she realised it was me trembling, tho i didnt know it myself. upon hearing that, i started to feel e tears coming but i din wanna cry in front of her coz it would probably scare her to know what was happening to me. it is scaring me too. e holy pendant doesnt seem to have any effect on my nerves. i feel jumpy and paranoid. at e corner of my eyes, i thought i saw a figure but it turned out to be juz an object. everytime i tot i saw something move, e thing was actuali stationary.
im reali trying to mask my fear, partly coz i know these are not real and ppl would tink me a lunatic if i told em. partly coz i dun trust anyone enuff to tell em what im going thru. dey dun understand, i dun tink anyone will unless dey have gone thru it b4. its an ordeal, its miserable to try and endure it. im still trying to be my cheerful self in school, still trying to smile at everything that comes my way, still trying to be brave. cant u see im trying???
much as i wanna have e luxury of crying and have a total breakdown, it is not a time to. not when e family matter is bearing down on us. not when im going to have my exams in a few month's time. not when i have to be there for my sis, my bro, my mama, should anything go wrong. not when i still have a thousand responsiblities. not when ppl are still out there behind my back, saying stuff and spreading rumours. not when there's so much to tink of. not when im expected to put up a brave front and be strong.
but at e end of e day, at e end of every activity, when night creeps in... it starts to come at me again.. again and again.. it won leave me alone..
butterflies whispered at
6/28/2005 10:39:00 PM
