Monday, June 20, 2005
happy father's day! we went out for dinner at Blk 526... acutali wanted to go somewhere more special coz its Father's Day bu coz we din plan beforehand, we settled for dat instead coz pa suggested it. in e car, i tried to persuade em to go marina bay for dat ultra-cheap steamboat buffet but ma said its too rushed to go all e way der since kor had to book in at 10 plus so... nvm. den we went to popular to exploit my 20% discount voucher... bought like $54.54 worth of stuff. gave pa e white Goldlion polo tee and realised it was too big. heading down to OG tml to try n change it to size M, but dunno whether can or not coz its oredi past 7 days... shall try my luck anyway.
yesterday went studying wif chaoshun at Nanyang CC. actuali, he sneaked me into e study room coz a membership was needed to access e room and i din have it. stayed der from 11 plus till close to 7. chaoshun left bout 5+ to meet his fren. wah.. its a very very quiet place and reali conducive to study in. e tables were cubicle-style so no worries bout disturbances. e onli gripe i have is e chair... soooo uncomfortable. sitting der for a few hours can be quite ass-numbing. geee, and i broke e rules by eating snacks wen im not allowed to. der's a CCTV at e corner of e room, so chaoshun made me sit right at e side so dat it won catch me. haha. anyway, chaoshun was quite a good companion to study wif. he offers entertainment i.e introducing me to some nice New Age songs, gets me out for munchies i.e he whisked me off to KFC at 4 plus to eat Cheese Fries while i ate Shrooms Burger, and keeps quiet wen he's supposed to. did i mention he looks reali cool wif e braces? they are TEAL in colour... very striking! haha.
shishi msged me today using fir's hp. it went something like "i love you ah... i still got feelings for you." im like.... hmmmm... so i replied, "even if u give me money to take him back, i oso dun wan ah, haha." its her bdae today anyway... happie birthday to u! anyway, it was quite amusing la, tho i dunno wat she's up to. probably testing my response? but seriously, im over fir liao. yea, i do tink back of e times we shared as a couple, but its merely recounting e feeling of being loved and not longing for e person himself. it just so happens dat our breakup was quite a traumatic one for me and till now, i couldnt get over e pain. these days, i wasnt feeling reali good and optimistic bout stuff so it juz dug up past experiences of pain and letdowns.
sigh. i tink im too paranoid. a symptom i had last time. i cried bout 2 times ever since my spirits started rolling downhill. e first time, i shan't elaborate coz its a personal matter. but its scary nonetheless... i dun tink it'll break up e family constitution but still, its a sensitive thing. and probably will do a reasonable deal of damage if it ever comes to light. upon finding out, i got reali afraid and i juz msged my bro in camp. din noe wat to do, felt so helpless so e tears juz came. my sis heard and came over, so i told her bout it and she started crying too. e second time, was because my sis came home late. she was supposed to go to jp for a while to do her fren a favour, but she took longer than expected. so i called her hp and it was switched off. its like 10 plus oredi... so i kinda got worried. den i called her other hp... got thru and it suddenly got cut off. when i called back again, it was switched off. i panicked like shit... my heart juz kept thumping madly against e heart cavity and i ran over to my kor's room. i was almost hysterical when i told him bout it coz i tot mebbe she got abducted or something and e perpetrator turned off her hp, not knowing she had a second hp. so wen he heard it ringing, he interrupted e call and switched it off. turned out dat she left her second hp in kor's room and it switched off due to low batt. den i frantically msged her to call home and went to open e door to wait for her. wen she finally called, i juz kept quiet and went to my room coz i was in too much agony to say anything. when she came home, i stayed silent when i would have normally screamed at her for coming home late. till it became too much to bear. i went to e kitchen for some ice cream to calm myself down when pa came over and questioned me, so i juz broke down.
but reali, this sis of mine ought to be more responsible la. it doesnt matter if she goes out late as long as she bothers to tell us when she'll be back home. but everytime, she'll exceed e supposed time she told us she'll be back and she doesnt call back or msg until its reali late. dats why i always had to holler at her when she comes back home. not a very nice thing to do la... but she juz won repent despite e number of times i've been nagging at her to do it. even kor had to interfere at times. den she'll get real pissed and give lotsa reasons for why she's late. still, dats no excuse not to account to us ma... i mean, ppl at home will worry what... she probably doesnt know i scream at her coz i care since i show it in such an unruly way. ah well, i dun need her to know anyway. ppl care without having to let others noe bout it, juz like how ma loves us. tho she doesnt speak so, juz by showing concern by cooking or even nagging is enuff to let me know dat she genuinely cares for us.
coming back to e topic of paranoia. i reali dunno how to get rid of this demon. it has become a part of me. i tend to tink of e most pessimistic situations when something crops up. say, if my fren is late for 1 hour for no reason, i'll be tinking... "where could she be? could she have gotten lost? could she have been held up? could she have overslept? could she have been accosted?? what could they have done to her? is she safe? could she have an accident? WHAT IF ITS FATAL? DOES ANYONE KNOW? IS E AMBULANCE IN TIME TO SAVE HER? ARE THE DOCTORS CAPABLE TO REVIVE HER? WHAT HAPPENS IF THE DOCTORS HAD A MISHAP WHILE HAVING THE SURGERY???????????????" that's my thought process for that 1 hr entirely. frightening huh? den i'll be there trying to contact her, pacing up and down blah blah blah.. now that things are not reali going my way, my paranoia seems to go one notch higher and im reali tortured by it. cant concentrate on my work and i keep tinking bout it till sometimes, i even cry. its silly i noe.. but say if it were to come true, i'll be truly devastated. and e degree of fear i have of that possibility is so high that it makes me break down upon tinking bout it.
I'm tired of rumors startingI'm sick of being followedI'm tired of people lyingSaying what they want about meWhy can't they back up off mewhy can't they let me liveI'm gonna do it my wayTake this for just what it isim coming to terms wif e rumour. but e emotional consequences that have been dragged up from e past doesnt wanna go away...
butterflies whispered at
6/20/2005 12:24:00 AM
