Saturday, July 02, 2005
mama made me drink some awful chinese medicine dats supposed to make me sleep fitfully. i almost puked at e smell of it but thankfully it was quite tasteless. lets hope it takes effect coz if its gonna happen again, i'll juz scream e night away. i cant stand it anymore.
yesterday night was another nightmare. i tot i could sleep betta coz my sis was still up, e lights were still on and i might feel more secure dis way. but no. i rmb myself falling asleep oredi coz i was dead tired, i was oredi halfway into dreaming. u noe wen u dream, u'll tink of events, things and whatnot visually in ur mind's eye. suddenly, the dreaming stopped for no reason and my mind's eye blanked out completely. then e sensation of fear starts to grab me again. i oredi listened to elaine and put a talisman under my pillow but it still won work. i tried to go back to sleep after dat when i heard the same voice saying "oi" to me. juz one word as well. and i was so startled dat i juz let myself up into a sitting position. my sis noticed, and she asked me wat happened but i din tell her coz i din have e guts to tok bout it. i fell back into my sleeping position again and tried to block out e sounds, but i still couldnt sleep. mama came by and i cried out to her dat i couldnt sleep, and she immediately asked me to go her room. before dat, she made me offer incense to e altar to bless me wif a peaceful night, but it was no betta. i was still very sensitive to the sounds around me but mebbe i was reali reali tired out dat i eventually fell asleep.
every morning, i wake up in a very dazed state, not knowing what to do and how e day will go. but im pretending to be normal as always, going bout my routine as usual and going to sch after dat. mebbe ppl will see me behaving queerly in e morning but i'll try to get myself warmed up by not tinking of that problem and by joking around wif ppl to make me forget. i hope im behaving like myself then. elaine probably sensed dat i was faking it, and she asked if i was alright or not. she and chaoshun were quite worried for me. im sorry, guys. sorry to make u see me liddat. i'll be strong for ur sake ok? im trying, still trying...
going home would be a different story. i dunno wats with my brother's room but everytime i seem to enter it, i get a feeling of being repressed. even now, as i sit in front of the computer, my heart is clenched, my head is pressed against, my hands feel jellyish and weak. sometimes wen i go to e kitchen and i become alert to those sounds, i'll experience it as well. its juz dat i feel it more in his room... i dunno why...
tml got interhouse netball. got informed onli today. so i can onli go to the kuan yin temple later in e afternoon. hope dat she'll bless me. on my part, i'll hafta do wateva it takes to hang in there...
and i got absolutely no idea how to approach my brother bout it. i cannot garner e courage to broach e subject at all. coz everything is still so fragile. i dun wanna upset e delicate balance. for now, mebbe i'll even be contented wif how it is. but i'll noe it'll always weigh upon my heart like a stone. i feel so terrible.. terrible..
butterflies whispered at
7/02/2005 12:01:00 AM
