Wednesday, August 17, 2005
i hope someone takes a gun and blows me into pieces.
alright, sorry. that may be a lil insensitive in this age of daily bombings and K-mart access to shooting sprees.
wateva it is, my life is screwed. too many bad things are happening at too short a time. im tired of trying to maintain e objectivity. i dun wanna be the mature one, e responsible one anymore. i wish i could juz throw my hands up and act like a spoilt brat, crying whenever i cant find a solution or raving when i dun get what i want. without my elder bro, its me in charge. everything's bearing upon me and e worst thing is, i cant breakdown. i cant divulge e secret. every single day, i come home to a whole load of clothes to iron, to hang out, to fold/dishes to wash/a playful brother/an irresponsible sister and piles of homework + revision to finish. the stress is beginning to take its toll. i onli reach home at 6 everyday, and i have that much to clear. even so, i couldnt sleep at night. e stress and fear has manifested itself into isomnia and paranoia.
i realised dat my Production and Cost Theory notes were missing, and despite searching for it a hundred times over, it refused to turn up. i dunno what came over me, but i started to rant at e empty room, demanding that whoever or whatever took my stuff to return it to me. at dat moment, i knew i oredi lost my wits and control. e buildup had culminated to such an extent that it onli took such a trivial matter to trigger this outburst. i felt helpless, angered and reali afraid dat i was going insane. later on dat night, i couldnt sleep again and i juz cried into e darkness. consumed by e paranoia dat was starting to surface after i tried so long to bury, i went to my parents' bedroom in tears. i wouldnt wanna go if i could help it coz i dun like to worry my mama. in e end, i caused her to change e aircon filters coz e noise was frightening to me, to come n sleep wif me in my room, to accompany me. i noe dat its uncalled for, but i felt bloody useless and unfilial.
i told yingpeng and andrew bout e secret after much reluctance. my reins went loose, right there in sch, when i couldnt find my notebook n notes. i was there in LT5 with chaoshun and i 'ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhed' and 'arggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' till he almost freaked out. mebbe i reali acted like a nutcase. i dunno. i juz had to unleash e anguish inside somehow.
everything bout me has gone wrong. im having memory lapses again. im hyper for no reason. i cant sleep. im not sane. i have fallen apart.
butterflies whispered at
8/17/2005 11:33:00 PM
