Tuesday, August 23, 2005
im quite sure that i need sleeping pills. its no longer e noises. i dun need to hear sounds to feel scared anymore. coz i get scared FOR NO APPARENT REASON. one night, i tried to sleep with the radio and the lights on. nothing scary, din hear anything fishy but still, the heart seizures came. after trying to bear it down for half an hour, i couldnt take it anymore and went to my parents' bedroom. and i still couldnt sleep. even with the presence of both my parents. i still shivered in cold sweat. i swore that my blood pressure shot up multifold... i desperately thought of good and nice things to wipe out e fear, but everytime i was about to slip into a peaceful slumber, my good thoughts would be erased and replaced with e acute consciousness and fear. either i go to a shrink, or i take sleeping pills. simple as that. since it has nutting to do with spirits watsoever, there's no reason for me to go for divine help aye? dun wanna dabble in so much of spiritual stuff... to some extent, it scares me. i onli go when i reali feel the need to go. if not, i stay away. i dun like e way e gods stare at me. the Kuanyin temple is fine, coz the gods are benevolent. deities, on e other hand, are aggressive and they always always always are painted with piercing eyes set in a fierce look, which is meant to scare off spirits la i guess. but it scared me off too.
evelyn says me and fir still act like a couple. hmm.. i dunno la. its juz an unconscious response on my part to behave however i was behaving la. i oso dunno how to qualify my feelings anymore... whether i still feel for him or what. heck ah. if it comes, it comes. if it happens, it happens. i'll juz be passive bout it and let nature take its course lor. so yea, juz wait and see ba. anyway, i dun deny that toking to him is reali great, being with him is reali fun coz i feel that he's one person whom i feel truly noes me, understands e way i work and such. i guess its e level of interpersonal engagement we had with each other during the 2 and a half years we were together lor... i feel no need to disguise when im with him. im at my most vulnerable when i tok to him, and he understands. this feeling aint mutual wif any other person on Earth. and yes, i do miss e times we shared. still, it doesnt mean im hoping for anything to happen.
haha. im losing weight as quickly as im gaining weight. as long as i stop exercising, e fats will pile on. and as soon as i start, they instantly emulsify. hehehe, so e morale of e story is not to stop exercising. yep... i've been doing sports all my life, so my body starts to wreak havoc once i halt the routine. logical eh? every wed go gym, then do own exercises every weekend.
im downloading every nice song i tink i can sing in preparation for Campus Superstar. hahaha... actuali not reali la. i was tempted to do so ever since my vocals opened up. now im itching for a karaoke session, but NO! no time to do dat... muz spend every waking minute mugging liao. and i crave to dance as well... after watching Masters of Dance on sunday, when i watched fir and other hiphop dance flaunt their stuff at J.E library. wah... damn cool. and now it has aroused my dormant dancing spirit. ahhhhhhhhhh.... lemme dance lemme dance.........
have decided to stay in sch till 7pm every weekday to revise and go out wif evelyn every weekend to revise as well. HAHAHA! I HAVE NO LIFE SIA!!!!! well, thats e way it has to be until e prelims are over. den i'll take a short break before starting to mug again. die die muz do well for prelims... if not, i'll be too demoralised to do anything liao...
a notice was sent to my home today. it was titled CRIME PREVENTION ADVISORY - OUTRAGE OF MODESTY. mmm.. der's a pervert/sex maniac/molester lurking around my neighbourhood. scary... so i should not stay out late anymore. no joking matter... i was traumatised before, so im being extra cautious now. shall equip myself wif a whistle and 'artillery' from now on...
for goodness sake, chaoshun... there's nutting between me and yingpeng. and yingpeng, there's nutting between me and andrew or chaoshun. and andrew, there's nutting between me and chaoshun. i seriously dun understand why u guys wanna portray me as much-sought-after. haha. im onli loyal to weijian ok?????
butterflies whispered at
8/23/2005 10:51:00 PM
